"What do you want more than anything else?" Ana asked me.
I answered without hesitation, "Matt."
Ana snorted. "Other than him."
Again, i had no need to hesitate. "To be tiny."
"Elaborate," she encouraged, pushing a notebook at me. "Make a list."
I picked up the pencil on my nightstand and nibbled at the eraser. "Oh shit," i muttered. "I wonder how many Calories are in pencil eraser."
Ana laughed at me. "You've lost your marbles... to me!" she said delightedly.
I rolled my eyes and let out a little laugh. "I suppose i have," i consented, and then i began to write:
"Things i want(a comprehensive listing):
01. I want to be thin
02. I want to be able to wear all white and still look tiny.
03. I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint--rather cliche, but still true
04. I want to be beautiful
05. I want to rock a bikini
06. I want to not be embarrassed when i have to change in front of others
07. I want to be confident
08. I want to be the first one to shed her clothes at the beach
09. I want to be strong
10. I want to see my bones: my collarbones, my ribcage, and my hipbones especially
11. I want to fit into my mom's wedding dress when i get married (she only weighed 100 pounds when she wore it)
12. I want to put my hands inside my ribcage--twisted, right?
13. I want to deserve praise
14. I want to smile at the number on the scale or tape measure
15. I want people to call me thin
16. I want to be the thinnest girl in the room ALWAYS
17. I want to be hungry
18. I want to be someone's ultimate thinspo girl
19. I want to be proud
20. I want others to be jealous of my body
21. I want to feel accomplished
22. I want people to tell me to eat because i'm "too thin"
23. I want to love myself
24. I want bruises from bumping my bones on things when i'm clumsy
25. I want a concave stomach--flat simply isn't good enough
26. I want to make Ana proud
27. i want to never have to consider Mia because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up
28. I want delicate, stick-thin legs (instead of my disgusting thunder thighs)
29. I want to be in the double--not triple--digits on the scale
30. I want the pain of payment..."
I paused for the first time since beginning my list. It kind of scared me that i hadn't even had to think to write down those thirty things i wanted, and yet it also made me proud. I handed the list to Ana, who read over it with approving eyes. "Keep this somewhere close to you at all times," she told me with all the seriousness in the world, "and read through it every time you want to eat anything, even something 'safe.' It'll help you."
I nodded. "I will," i promised. "And i will not fail again."