Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I feel like total shit on so many different levels right now.
I've caught a cold, complete with aches, stuffy nose, and sore throat. The stuffy nose is what's really killing me right now. It's hard enough to breathe when you've got a baby squishing you're lungs, but top that off with stuffy nose and it's absolutely miserable. I get out of breath from just standing up! And of course, all i want to do is sleep all day because i'm so bloody sick, therefore, i feel even more useless than i did before. Cold medicines that are safe to take during pregnancy? Of course not! Why on earth would they ever make those. Gah!
I'm also stressing out to the tenth power sqared about getting this appartment set up. I realized that the carpet does not need scrubbed--but replaced! It's going to be impossible to scrub because it's peeling up and has a bunch of wrinkles in it, not to mention my friend said that her carpet scrubber probably wouldn't even get it clean without those wrinkles because of how dirty it looks. Fuuuuck!!! Carpet is expensive (I priced it this past monday and the cheapest i found was $65.99 for a 9 ft. by 12 ft. roll. We're probably going to need at least 3 of those rolls.).... Maybe Jesse and i should have fully thought this through and looked much closer at the carpet before we signed the lease... Stupid us! Oh, and the electric is still not turned on. I called the electric company and asked about all the fees, and discovered it's probably going to cost us around $300 to get it turned on. Plus, we both have to go in and fill out paperwork and have a credit check and a bunch of other bullshit. The difficult part about that is their office is only open from 7:30 am to 4:00 pm on Monday through Friday. Jesse is never not at work during those times, and his boss is a dick if he tries to call off, so we're still trying to figure out how we're both going to get in there, and how we're going to afford that ridiculous $300 fee. Why does it have to cost so friggin' much to live?! And that's just the stuff that absolutely needs done before we move in. There's a ton of stuff that will need done eventually after we move in. (The walls most definitely need painted. They're a horrid blotchy beige. The light fixture in the living room is a hiddeous, dark-colored, egg-shaped thing that most definitely needs replaced because it's probably not going to give off much light at all. Oh dear, i don't even want to think about what all esle we'll need to do!)
Stress stress stress stress stress! "Don't stress while you're pregnant; it's not good for the baby," everyone says. Anytime someone says this, i just want to smack them and say, "You live my life for a couple weeks and see if you don't fucking stress!" UGH! HELP! Freakout, meltdown... and now i'm making no sense... so i'll shut up...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Picture *grimmace*

I finally figured out a way to post a picture that you can see my baby belly in. It took me a while to figure that out, actually, because there's no mirrors that show more than just my face at the place where we're living, and i always forgot to ask Jesse to take a picture for me. Then i saw that my friend Emily tagged me in one of her wedding pictures on facebook. Perfect! ...Ok, not so perfect, i look horrible, and my hair is fucked up in it, but whatever, it's the only picture i currently have that shows my baby bump. It's about a month old, i think, so my belly is definitely bigger now, but you can get the general idea. :/ Jesse and i are obviously the couple on the left. (And yes, i dyed my hair while preggo.) But yeah, there be it. Remember i love you before you comment! Lol.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Awesome News

We got the appartment! Two bedrooms, a nice sized living room, a fair sized kitchen, and a smallish bathroom. It even has a hookup for a washer and dryer--a friggin' miracle if you ask me because i hate laundromats. It's actually quite big, and really nice for as cheap as it is, and on top of that, it doesn't even need much fixing up. All that really needs done is the carpets need a good scrub, the tile floors need swept, and the one bedroom needs the ceiling redone (which the landlord said she'd get done as soon as she can, and somehow i trust her to make that happen fast.). She also told us that she has no problem with us wanting to paint walls or exchange carpet or decorate how we please as long as we consult with her first, just to make sure it's not some sort of crazy color or look that no one else would be likely to like. So really all that's left to do is clean like a fiend and get our stuff moved in and set up... oh, and get the electric turned on...which is actually gonna take a little bit since we're broke as fuck from the security deposit and first month's rent. We've just gotta wait until Jesse gets his next check, and then we'll use that to turn the electric on and start moving in. He gets his check this Saturday (or Monday if the mailman feels like being a cock like he did last week...) so that's not so far away. Even if it was a ways away, i don't think anything could bring me down right now. I'm on cloud nine! I HAVE A HOME!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Well, hello...

I take forever to update, don't i? Grrr! Lazy butt!
Anyway, i took all of your advice about the sex thing, and talked to Jesse in detail about it. He pitched a fit just as i suspected he would from hearing me say how ugly i felt, but i think it made him understand why i am the way i am about anything sexual now. It all happened last night. He kept touching me and i kept pushing him away. Eventually, he got that sad, puppy face and asked me why i was doing that. So i swallowed my fear that he'd be angry with me for feeling the way i do about my pregnant body and told him. He told me a billion times that i'm not fat, and i'm not ugly, and of course i argued to the opposite end of it all, but in the end it all turned out quite well. We made love, and the entire time all he did was tell me i was beautiful, and that he loves me. AND might i add, he asked me why i never take my shirt off! I guess he really was just clueless to how i felt. So that's actually quite a relief.
Oh, the trailer thing didn't work out at all. We didn't even get to look at it because the people who called about it before us took it before we even got the chance. Let's just hope that that's for the best. Tonight we are most definitely looking at a place though, and there's no one in line in front of us for it. The lady told me over the phone last night that if we want it, we can sign the lease tonight and it will be ours! She seems really sweet too. When i told her i'm pregnant, she seemed excited and was like, "Well, the one bedroom will be perfect for a nursery!" That instantly made me like her. It seems that she's really taking an interest in us as people, not as income. As long as the place looks liveable, i'm snagging it! Can't be too picky or i'll never have a place. Plus, it's not like we can't make improvements if they are needed. Oh, i really really hope this works out as beautifully as it's seeming to. I'm so ready to have my own place.
I'm doing alright as far as depression over the weight gain goes... for now. Let's hope that keeps up.. I just keep telling myself that it will definitely be worth it in the end when i see my baby. I also found a pregnancy weight gain calculator online, and it told me that i'm barely gaining enough weight. I'm in the lowest of the low weight gain range, so that's helpful to me. I know i'm gaining enough, but not too much. :)
I'll try to keep you all more updated. Maybe i'll even get my lazy ass moving tomorrow and walk down here to the library and tell you how looking at the appartment went! They did finally get their air conditioning fixed, so it seems much more desirable than sitting in the house with absolutely no AC.
Love to you all!

Friday, July 15, 2011

More Randomness

It's been a while, hasn't it? My vow to myself to keep caught up on blogging and try to get some exercise by walking to the library every single day has been horribly dishonored... mainly because i'm just so friggin' lazy. The weather has been pretty indecisive for the past week as well though, and i didn't want to walk in the rain or in the 100 degree heat, but when the weather was fine, my body was far from it. My feet and ankles have been swelling up again for no apparent reason seeing as i'm really not on them all that much, and i'm not eating a lot of salty foods or anything else that should make it that way... Perhaps i should have told the doctor about it. Is it important somehow? Also, i think the fact that my lung was collapsed a little over a year ago is a very bad thing for me now that i've got the baby pushing on my lungs all the time. It doesn't take much of anything for me to get out of breath. The other night, just lying in bed i felt as if i couldn't breathe and was pushing invisible hands away from my face. I guess i should probably tell the doctor about that too, huh? I've been having a lot of headaches as well, and have wanted to do nothing but sleep all day and go to bed early in the evening. Then last night--in the middle of making love (which is a bit awkward now... i'll update you more on that in a minute)--i got a nosebleed out of nowhere. What is going on with my stupid body? It needs to quit doing weird things to me like this!
Anyway, about the awkward love-making. It's kind of an issue for Jesse and i now. I mean, it's hard enough to do anything when you're living in someone else's living room, but there are times when we have the privacy to do things, so he wants to...and i really just don't. It's odd for me; i used to be a complete sex addict, but now, i don't even want to think about it. A few days ago, Jesse asked me, with a hurt look on his face "Do you not like making love to me anymore?"
I responded, "Of course i still do... We just live in a living room, and never know when someone will walk in."
"Do you find me unattractive now?" he asked.
"No! You're still gorgeous, hunny!"
"Then why do you always push me away when i touch you?"
The only thing i could think to say was an unsatisfying, "I don't know."
I feel really bad about that exchange... but i just don't know how to tell him that making love doesn't feel good when i can't hardly move because there's too much of me, and all i can think about is how disgusting i must look naked, and i know he has to agree with me on that because the last several times (warning: tmi about to come) we did anything, he made no attempt at taking my shirt off, which has never happened before. I also didn't take my shirt off, and he didn't complain about that like he used to... I don't know. Maybe i'm just being stupid and overthinking things... I'll stop telling you all about my sex life now.
On the posative side of things, we finally have the money saved up to begin looking for our own place, and we made several calls to places that were listed in the newspaper yesterday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the 3 bedroom trailer that only costs $450 a month, including everything except electric. The lady we talked to about it said that the outside isn't that great, but the inside is "in decent condition". I'm kind of worried to see how crappy it looks, but at the same time, if it's just in need of some minor fix-ups i'm more than willing to go with that, and take care of the fix-ups it needs. We're planning on going to look at it this weekend, and if we want it, i've got the cash for the security deposit and first month's rent to just hand to her then and there to hope that she'll give it to us right away with that sort of a bribe. I just like the idea that it doesn't cost very much, so we'll still be able to save up to actually buy rather than rent a place to live. Plus it's one of two places that actually allows pets, and i really don't want to give my kitty away.
More posative, i went to the doctor this past monday for a routine checkup, and apparently the baby is doing really well, so that's always good news. ...The negative side of that is when i got on the scale. I tried not to look at the number, but i had to know what it said, and the number i swore i would NEVER EVER see was there, plus 4 lbs. I now weigh 154 lbs. It's absolutely horrifying to me, regardless of the fact that i have a child inside me. I always swore i'd never see 150, no matter what... and now it's there. I'm so ready for this child to come out so i can lose and lose and lose! Actually, i think that right now, i'm going to start being more careful about what and how much i eat. I haven't been paying much attention to it, and i really think i need to. Don't worry, i'm not going to go into psycho restrict mode, i'm just going to try to eat only healthy things in smaller quantities than i have been. I just don't want to be fat after the baby does come... I really hope she doesn't learn eating habits from me. :/
Well, this has been an insanely long post... so i think i'll save some of the other stuff i have to tell you all for the next time i post, hopefully that will be sooner than later. I love you all very much, and really do appreciate your comments and patience with all my whining and crying about stupid stuff. I LOVE YOU!

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I got all posative responses from you all on whether or not i should get the baby bump pictures taken, so i suppose that means i really should get them done. Let's just hope that whatever day i go in to have them taken isn't one of the days that i particularly feel like i'm hiddeous. I'm thinking of doing them sometime this next month. That way it's not too early, and not too late. (I seriously have this feeling that she's going to come premature. In all the dreams i have about my baby, i dream that she's premature, but with no complications at all. I take it as a sign.)
Speaking of dreams, i've been having the weirdest dreams ever! Some are just horribly violent and graphic. I dreamed about watching a bunch of pitbulls rip a man to shreds, and then the owner of the pitbulls disected and began to eat one of them. And every single bloody bit was so crystal clear... Then i dreamed about seeing an absolutely beautiful girl be completely dismembered and then beheaded, once again, perfectly bloody clear. Those kind are the ones that are the most upsetting, and i've had so many of them it's horrible. Then there's the ones that are blatantly odd ways. I dreamed about trying to seduce my one ex that i never slept with, and i dreamed about having the time of my life with a girl whose name i didn't even know (though i never have done anything with another woman). I don't know if it's all fantasies about things that i wish i could have done in the past and never got to do or what. It's not like i'm not perfectly satisfied with Jesse and i's sex life. I honestly don't think i could do anything with anyone other than him anymore. But yeah, my dreams are really really strange here of late, and i have no idea why. Perhaps it's my out-of-whack hormones?
Those hormones are turning me into a royal bitch though! Between my hormones being all screwed up, being terribly hot all the time because there's no air conditioning where we live, stressing out about getting my own place to live, and just feeling awful because i can't move around very easily (seriously, it's difficult to stand up from sitting down!), i'm completely miserable all the time. And i guess i'm taking my own misery and trying to inflict it on others because i've noticed that i keep trying to pick fights over nothing. I don't know why! I've never done that before. I've always done the opposite, and not cared if i was miserable just as long as everyone i love was happy, but here of late, i don't even know what's up with me. I picked a fight with Jesse the other day because he was tired and fell asleep almost as soon as he got home from work, saying he didn't want to spend any time with me. Wtf? How on earth is that a reason to fight. And i keep doing things like that. Ugh! Someone fix me; i'm broken!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Thanks so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. I was so down when i wrote it, and then your comments brought me up again. You're the best. :)
I spent the 4th of July (Independance Day Holiday in the US) with my parents and my mom's side of the the family... Had a bit of a hard time even getting myself to go though, just because i feel so ugly, and i don't want anyone who hasn't already seen me in the ugly prego form to see me that way.. No one said anything that intentionally hurt me... but i did have those common "my goodness you're getting a nice belly there!" "are you sure you're not having twins; you look pretty big for just one?" and "you were always so tiny, now look at you" comments that almost any pregnant woman should be expecting. I was expecting them...but they still cut into me just because i'm having such a hard time with the way i look.
I'm not so sure if i want to go through with getting pictures of Jesse and I done while i have this belly or not. I mean, yeah, it's a unique idea and all but idk.. i'm so fuckin' ugly! What do you all think? Should i or should i not? I want brutal honesty in those opinnions!
I really do plan on getting those ultrasound pics and my baby bump pics up soon. Just bear with me; i'm slow at these things.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I feel so needy...

We've been at Jesse's friend's house since yesterday, which i really shouldn't mind. I've got wifi here, so i got caught up on all of your blogs, and i slept in a bed last night... but i'm not even half enjoying myself. Since we got here i felt like Jesse was just ignoring me, not on purpose, but because he was distracted by his friends' company (there's a bunch of other people just hanging out here too). I didn't let it get to me until about the middle of today. I just feel like any time i tried to talk to him he wasn't listening, because he only answered me half the time because his friends won't shut up long enough for me to get a word in. I feel invisible... to everyone.. And i feel like that stupid bitchy wife/girlfriend that must have her man's undivided attention all the time for feeling that way.
And there's lots of mirrors here that show me more of myself than just from the neck up. It's the first time since i've had the baby bump that i've actually seen what i look like, and i feel like i look absolutely horrible. I know i'm not fat; i know it's all baby, but I'm still huge, and it's so ugly..
On top of all of that, i've learned that apparently normal people do NOT eat three meals a day. I have not eaten anything since 7 this morning, and then i only had a really tiny breakfast. It's 6:15 in the evening now, and i have a migrane from hell (have had one since noon) because the baby is sucking any vitamins or nutrients i did have in me right out of me like a little parasite, but i don't want to just walk up to someone and be like "hey, i need food." because i'm weird about things like that. I still hate to admit that i need to eat, especially when no one else seems to need to eat. But i'm light-headed, and dizzy and feel like i'm going to be sick...because as much as i hate to say it, i DO need food. And that makes me feel like the most needy, disgusting person ever.
I'm just so miserable right now that all i want to do is hide away and cry... so i guess i should be thankful that i'm invisible to everyone... but i'm not. I feel the need to be seen at the same time as i feel the need to hide... and i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do about that.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Clothes Make The Person... No, I Really Think They Do

Omg can you believe it took me less than a week to actually make it back to the library and update?! How crazy is that? I really don't have much to update on, unfortunately... Same old boring life. I do feel a bit more comfortable in my skin today, but i think that's simply because i'm dressed in my own style instead of the style of all the hand-me-dowm maternity clothes i have to wear usually. I stole one of Jesses black band t-shirts that's kind of tight on him, so it fits me pretty well (tight-ish, but not too tight), and i did my make up the way i used to..back when i actually cared what i looked like. If you look at me from the chest up and not at the baby belly, i look very much like my old self, that weird girl that people looked at funny because of her alternative style. Kinda nice to have found something in that style that still fits me. Isn't it odd how just the style of my clothes can make me feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Does anyone else have that issue?
Unfortunately, once again, Jesse has the car which has my ultrasound picture CD in the glove compartment. :( But he does have off the next 3 days, so perhaps i'll make him drive me here to the library on one of those days and upload those pictures to show you all. I promise when i have pictures of her outside my belly, i won't take this long to upload pictures. ...I'm kind of thinking about showing you all what i look like with my baby bump too, since i've always showed you what i looked like before. But then again, i'm kinda scared to do that. It's really not the prettiest thing ever when all you want to see is skin and bones... What do you think? Should i or should i not?
Also, thanks very much to Mich for those websites with alternative style maternity clothes. I have yet to look at them, but i have a feeling that i'm going to want to buy up the entire pages... which is both a good thing and a bad thing, but i'll not complain at all. ;)
And Peri, you are just the bestest! :) I absolutely love all shades of purple, so that lavender will be fantastic. I cannot wait to see those booties!!! I'm sure they're going to be so lovely that i'll almost be afraid to wear them on her little feet... but i'll have to because i'll need to show them off! I'd love those cross stitch kits too if you're sure you don't mind giving them up. I promise to put them to use. Lol. Hmm South Africa... not quite. I live in the good old USA, but South Africa sound much more interesting. Let's just pretend i live there.
And everyone else who left me lovely comments, i don't know what i'd ever do without you. You're all amazing, and i love you bunches.
I'll leave you with this awesome quote that my one friend had on his facebook this morning, and it reminded me very much of myself, and of you all:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas A. Edison