Friday, December 17, 2010


All your uplifting comments have made me feel so much better. Especially Stephanie. Thank you so much, darling. You even made me smile; ALL of you did! I love you bunches.

Monday, December 13, 2010


Here's what my last whiny post was all about: I told you i'd give you the details and reasons, so here they are.

I wake up, and i don't want to. I don't want to be awake, don't want to move, don't want to function. But i have to...
So i get up, get dressed and get into Sherry's car to go to work (because once again, my car is broke down). I'm tired of her bitching, tired of her pointing out what everyone else does wrong, tired of her in general. But she's nice enough to put a roof over my head and give me a ride when my car is down, so i deal with it... and hear her tell me that the man i'm more proud of than anything is "slacking" and should have got up early in the morning to fix the car. I do my best to defend him, but i know she's not listening to my defenses. She's only listening to herself as usual.
Then i get to work and have to fake a smile while i'm there. I have to pretend to be normal and happy, all the while feeling so much inexplainable emotional hurt. Top that off with Sherry (who is also one of my bosses) making me feel as if i don't have a clue what i'm doing as manager (i just got promoted about 2 weeks ago) even though i've told her a million times that i do know. I've done it myself for an entire week now; i've got it down. It just makes me feel helpless:
I mean, think about it, i'm incapable of having the money for my own home; incapable of being a normal person in many regards; incapable of following Ana as i should; and according to her, i'm incapable of doing to paperwork and positioning the crew... and then...
I come home, still feeling helpless, mind you, to see Jacob hurting, and there isn't a damn thing i can do to ease his pain. I really AM weak and helpless, the exact opposite of what i really long to be. To top that all off, i'm so weak and selfishly helpless, that rather than try to focus on him and his hurt, i focus on me and my own and break down crying for an hour and a half. All eyes on me!
Selfish bitch.
But wait, there's more!
On the ride back from work, Sherry planted some odd seed of distrust in my already aching heart. She talks about her past drug usage--don't ask me why, i don't have a fucking clue, but she always talks about it with me. "I don't mean to worry you," she says, "But i think Jacob might be doing something behind your back."
"Don't be ridiculous," i reply. "He doesn't hide anything from me. He tells me absolutely everything. And even if he did hide things, there's no way he could do that; he has nowhere to get the money for it. I have access to all of his money, and he has access to all of mine. We both know exactly where all the money goes."
She shakes her head. "There's been a few times when mike and i have just watched him and thought he's on something. You've gotta admit, the other night when i mentioned this to you before, he was definitely acting weird."
I shrug. "He just wanted to sleep because he didn't sleep much the night before. He wouldn't do that to me," i say, but my brain argues with itself. Should i talk to him about it? no, i know better than to think he'd do that. that's just dumb... i don't know...
When i first walk through the door,that's still on my mind. I watch him suspiciously (how awful! I should be so much more trusting of the one i've given my hand in marraige). Is he acting odd? a bit sluggish, but he's just tired. it's late. clumsy... he must be fucked up! and then i find out it's because he's hurting. I overreact to everything; look at that: another sign of stupidity and weakness. What the hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So Tired...

But i slept plenty last night. I'm so tired... and i think that's just because i'm tired of life. There's so much drama in this household. Constant anger and screaming. I hate it. I can't be around it; it makes me want to cut so fucking bad. Last night i cried for an hour or more. God, i want to cut!
I wish i was exaggerating when i tell you that i'm seriously considering selling myself on the street corner so we can have our own place to live... but i'm not. If Jacob didn't have a problem with it, i really would do just that.
Fuck my life. Fuck it. I don't know how to deal with it.
I'm fat on top of all of that, and i don't know how to fix it right now. I'm just going to try to get through the damn holiday in one piece, and then i really will tear myself apart with Ana's help.
But for now, just fuck it all...
I promise i'll give you a full update as to why i'm feeling this way sometime soon... I'm sorry. This is such a shitty, whiny post. I'm sorry, loves.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

All Apologies

I'm so sorry, darlings.... I have no excuse whatsoever for not catching up on all of your blogs, for not commenting on all of your blogs, for not reading all of your most recent posts, and then for not staying caught up on all of your blogs. I've just been so down in the dumps, and i feel overwhelmed by all the catching up i have to do here. Then my ADD kicks in, and as a horrible person, i say, i can't.... I'm so sorry everyone. I really do still love you, i promise. And i always will, i promise.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Ana Sang This Song to Me

Skin & Bones by Romance on a Rocketship

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Hush your lips
Cuz i'm about to speak up.
If i talk real slow, do you think you can keep up
With me this time,
Or am i our of line?
I'm tryin' to be a gentleman,
So please don't make me ask again.
Yeah, i got a lot of nerve comin' after you,
But you're the only thing that's on my mind,
So what's a boy to do?
So let me keep this short and sweet:
You're the prettiest thing that i ever did see.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go if i'm dangling
High above the world where the angels sing.
Back it up;
Let's turn this train around.
Let's get this party hoppin'
Till we're shakin' the ground.
When the ground starts shaking,
I'll be there to hold you tight;
Don't worry bout a thing
Cuz everything'll be alright.
Let me keep this short and sweet:
There's not a lot i wouldn't do to sweep you off your feet.

I know i'm nothing but skin and bones
But i sure think you're beautiful
With your long, long hair
And your big blue eyes
I'm thinkin' bout makin' you mine tonight (2x)

Don't let me go,
Baby, please don't let me go..

I smiled and danced while she sang. I'm not sure if i believe that she thinks i'm beautiful; i certainly don't see it, but for a moment, i almost did see it, and i felt lovely. She smiled and hugged me. "You are beautiful," she said softly as she kissed my forehead. "Don't think you're not. I'm just trying to help you become even more beautiful."
I nodded. Perhaps i understood. "Do you love me?" i asked.
She nodded. "More than you could ever imagine," was her reply. "And you're doing better than you think you're doing. You only eat one small meal a day; that's impressive. People think you never eat--even more impressive. Hang in there. Once you begin to work out again, you'll be nothing but skin and bones too."
My smile took up my entire face, and my hug tightly squeezed her prominent bones. I believed her, and for the first time in a long time, i was happy again.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

What can i do?

I'm going to talk to my mom about paying for me to see a doctor about my depression. I don't know why it's here, but it won't go away. I slept until 2PM today because i couldn't bear the thought of getting up. Help me....