Thursday, October 28, 2010

Many Questions and Few Answers

Is it wrong that thinspo pictures don't look skinny to me; they just look normal? Is it wrong that normal people, even normal actresses, don't look normal to me; they just look way too big? Is it wrong that health doesn't sound as appealing to me as thin sickness? Is it wrong that i blame all the problems in my life on my pudge and Ana's punishment for eating? Is my brain all wrong? Or is it just right? That's how Ana wants me to be, isn't it? Is it wrong to follow her?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

You Have My Heart

I'm back for now. I should be able to catch up and post more often... because once again we've had to move. Jacob's sister stole my ipod and my immature response was to tear down the pictures on her wall and burn them. Yes, it may have been over-reacting, but she's stolen so much from me and the ipod was the last straw. (Fortunately, i got it back though.) Anyway, she was quite upset that i did that and said she was going to go live with her dad. Her mother is mad at Jacob and i for "making her lose her daughter" and doesn't want us staying there anymore. BUT now we're living with his aunt, who has internet access... till we can find our own place. So i'm back.
Anyways, i've been doing truly awful with eating.... stress eating a lot. So i'm not in the mood to update on that failure... sorry.
But i just got here and read all of your comments. I was in a badly depressed mood, and then i read your comments. I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! You made me smile so much, and i feel so much better. Thank you for your love. *hugs*

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I know i know, i said i was gonna post more often and now i'm not... but we got kicked out of the place we were living for drama that didn't even happen so once again my world is kinda upside down and i've got so much going on. Just know that i haven't forgotten you all and i love you insanely. Jacob can always tell when i get online whether i'm blogging or not because when i am i have a smile. I promise to update you more here sometime soon. Hugs and love to all of you!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Epic Fail... As Usual

Well... Posting more often hasn't exactly happened, now has it? I've just been working so much that once i get back from work, i want to avoid all human contact--not you all, but the people whose houses i'd have to go to to get internet access. I'm sorry. I've been picking up all the extra work hours i could because Jacob no longer has a job (he didn't get fired; he quit because his boss kept not paying him), so i'm the one supporting us until he can find another one. Talk about stress... I don't know how the hell we're paying our rent this month... I don't know how we're buying anything that we actually do need. I mean, i guess that's good on the food front, but then again, not really... because all the food that we can afford is the fattening stuff. Have any of you noticed that healthy food is expensive and unhealthy food is cheap? It sucks... But enough of my whining...
A posative thing that has happened is that Jacob finally bought me a mirror--i know, i know, we couldn't really afford it, but i NEEDED it! So at least i know what i look like now. Not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not as fat as i feel, but i'm not as thin as i wish to be either. I'm that dreaded word: "average" and that's the last thing i want to be... Well, maybe it's better than being fat... but i don't know. I think they're about equal. Oh dear, there i go whining again! I'll stop that now, i promise. You're probably thinking, "Just shut up, stop the crying, and tell us the story now, Jo!" So here it is, the story form part of the post that you all were waiting for.

My hands trembled as i went into the bathroom. I could feel it, something that i should NOT be feeling. "If you weren't such a fat, greedy food whore, you wouldn't be feeling this at all," Ana told me. "If you'd just listen to me and stop eating 'normal' amounts, you'd be fine."
I shook my head. "I know," i whispered shamefully. "Can you hand me that box of tampons?" My period had come back. There was enough fat on my body to bring it back.
Ana rolled her eyes and did as i had asked her with a scronful snarl. "When are you going to start listening to me, and stop listening to your stomach?"
I shrugged. "Now, i hope...."

Sorry... That was short... but my creativity is kind of dead at the moment... I'll try to post more often, and better. I love you all!
Oh! And here's my newest goal: I want to be a skeleton for Halloween, and i really don't mean by a costume.
Here's a poem i randomly wrote one night. Please, don't take it the wrong way; i really am only talking about Ana. I could never cheat on my Jacob with someone else.

What am i doing?
I'm cheating on my true love
With my first love.
I've got to get away from her;
She's wrecking my life.
She slaps, she bites, and keeps me
under a fucking knife.
I've got to leave her,
But i can't because she says she'll die,
And for some reason,
i've got to keep her alive.