Monday, November 29, 2010

It's Okay

If i say it enough, maybe i'll believe it: It's OK. I'm just tired. Little pointless things make me cry (or want to; i'm too stubborn to actually let the tears come). Yesterday i woke wanting to cut, and that longing stayed with me all day. It's still there today, just more subtle. The crazy part is that i have no idea why. I mean, sure, i'm tired of not having my own house to live in, and i'm tired of being fat (even though that's my own dumb fault), but that's no excuse for being so emotional and dumb like i am right now. Everything either pisses me off or makes me want to hide away and cry. I don't know what the hell to do. BUT IT'S OK! Saying that will help.... right?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


You all always make me smile. All of my fellow American anas, good luck with the Thanksgiving feast... Try not to push yourselves too hard or punish yourselves; one day slightly off your diet won't ruin everything, regardless of what Ana tries to tell you. Hang in there; stay strong, and just for one day, believe that you are beautiful. I love you all so much; hopefully i'll fully update soon. XOXO

Monday, November 22, 2010

Hi... It's been so long. I miss you all so much, but it's hard to update when i don't even know where i'm spending the night. I've found a place to stay for a while now, and i know i'll be able to stay as long as i need to until Jacob and i get on our feet financially, but... she has two little girls, and they're so curious. I don't want them to find out about this and acquire Ana for themselves, so i've got to be careful and make sure that no one but Jacob and i are here when i do update. It sucks... but i'm here and updating, so that's a plus.
I've gained... Don't want to talk about it. I'm disgusting... and i don't even know where to begin to fix it, so i'm just gonna leave that out.
I saw a girl working at a gas station... she was skinny and lovely. She looked at me as if she knew me and smiled. I looked away quickly. Then when we went up to pay for our stuff, i noticed her name tag: "Ana". I looked at her in awe, and she smiled at me again. I shyly smiled back then hung my head, knowing that i'd failed Ana many times... Was she our Ana? I didn't know she really existed in the flesh, but the way she looked at me made me believe that she just might. I don't know. Maybe i'm just going crazy.
I've been having so many Ana-related dreams of late. Some are beautiful, and i want to stay in them forever and never wake up, but others are terrifying. Do any of you have those dreams often... or even occasionally?
Also, a shout out to anyone looking for a new blog to follow: Newbie is new here (as the name tells you), and feeling lonely. Swing by blog and show some love and follow.