Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Darling, I Want To Destroy You

Matt's name glared up at me in angry red letters on the skin above my barely protruding hip bone. "That's by far the stupidest thing you've ever done," Ana told me with a smirk. "You could have at least carved my name into you, but no, it had to be his."
"My name's on him," i answered lamely.
She snorted. "Your name is in my heart; can you say that much about him?"
"Maybe," i said with a shrug.
She just shook her head. "Whatever."
My hands shook as i reached for the diet pills and water bottle she handed to me, and i couldn't help but smile. "I'm shaking," i told her proudly.
She smiled softly. "I know. That's progress."
I agreed. "How many Calories today, Ana?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't been giving you a maximum number for a long time. Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing and stick with as few as you possibly can?"
"Ok.... Can i have breakfast?"
Another shrug. "Can you avoid eating much during the other mealtimes?"
"I think so. I don't think i'll be eating lunch at all and i'm not going to eat dinner with my parents; i never do."
"Then fine; eat some breakfast."
I nodded and began to make my way into the kitchen.
"Oh, but Jo?" Ana stopped me. "Not to much, right?"
I smiled. "Of course not."
She returned the smile. "Good."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I've not been reading and commenting as much as i should... I've not been posting as much as i should... i've not been exercising as much as i should... and i've not been restricting as much as i should. But i WILL do all of those things very very soon. I promise. I love you all so much!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Almost Beautiful

I smiled as i looked into the mirror. My collarbone was starting to show. My hip bones had begun to poke out a little bit. My ribs would be showing soon. I was almost beautiful. "I love you, Ana," i said aloud to no one in particular.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Rainy Days

"I'm lonely," i whispered into the rainy morning air. I poked at my stomach. "And i'm fat." I reached up to feel for my collarbones, the first bones to start to show, the only comfort i had. "Where are you, Ana?"
A musical laugh sounded in my ear. "Right behind you, sweetie." And i felt her arm slide around my shoulder.
I sighed and leaned into her. "I'm cold," i complained, and she draped a blanket around me.
"Just go back to sleep," she told me. "It's an excellent morning for sleeping, and as long as you sleep, you're not going to be eating."
"But i dream about eating," i complained, remembering the giant, icing-covered cookie from last night's nightmare. I'd devoured the whole thing, only to realize that it was over 2,000 Calories.
Ana smiled sympathetically and handed me two diet pills. "Here, take these then."
I swallowed them down with a glass of water, knowing they'd make me feel queasy anytime something entered my mouth, but also knowing that that was a good thing. "I'm still lonely and fat," i said sullenly.
Ana looked hurt. "Don't be lonely; i'm here. And you're not going to be fat for long."
I sighed. "I know. I'm sorry; i guess it's just one of those days where it's impossible to be happy."
She nodded and brushed the hair out of my eyes. "It'll be all right," she promised, and somehow, i believed her.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I think i have an addiction...

And it's not drugs or alcohol or caffeine. It's not food, and it's not even Ana. No, it's cutting! I did it again today, and i don't even have a reason. Sure, i'm stressed and sad about the Matt/Brandon situation. Sure, i'm pissed at myself that i keep failing at food goals. But that stuff wasn't even in my head when i cut. I just wanted to see my blood... Is it just me or does that make NO SENSE? And i'm too stupid to cut some where that isn't my arm. (You know, like somewhere i could more easily hide.) Don't ask me why; i have no idea. I thought about it, but then decided, no i like cutting my arm and started carving away. There are now 5 new shallow cuts on my arm and 4 new deeper ones. That's what it took to satisfy my bloodlust...I really think i have a problem... I mean sure, my ED is a problem too, but this problem i actually don't want to accept. I wanna fix it, but i don't know how. :'( Life is crap...

Oh, but don't worry, that picture isn't of me. I just found it online and thought it was pretty. Holy shit, i'm twisted!

The Only Way to Fix This is to Starve

I awoke with a sigh. "Ana?" i whispered.
"I'm here, sweetie," she replied, putting her tiny arms around me.
I put my head on her shoulder and burst into tears. "I don't know what to do," i sobbed.
"Shhh," she soothed, stroking my hair with her hand. "It'll all turn out ok; it always does."
"No, it never does."
"Talk to me, sweetie."
I shook my head. "I don't want to."
She smiled softly. "Yes, you do. I know you do."
"It's Matt and Brandon again," i told her. "Matt told me last night that he knew that Brandon had cheated on me. I'd say whatever because i know Matt just wants us to break up, but i know Brandon has cheated on his girl before, and once a cheater, always a cheater, you know? But i don't know. If i ask Brandon about it, he'll say he didn't, whether he did or not... And Matt will just keep insisting that he did. There's no way i can know what's going on."
"Wow, sweetie," Ana said with a shudder. "That's the worst situation you've been in yet. Maybe you should listen to Jacob and just take a break from everyone. Jacob does know a lot about a lot of things." She handed me the bottle of diet pills. "Here, take one of these."
I nodded and obliged, swallowing the pill down with gulps of water.
"Or maybe you could just starve, that'd solve things."
I shook my head. "You're ridiculous. How would that help anything?"
She shrugged. "It helps anything."
And sadly enough, she seemed so right.

*ok, everyone i really need your opinions on what to do about the Matt and Brandon situation... cuz i'm sooo confused and upset by it all. I love you all!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Bloody Wednesday

"Oh shit..." I muttered. "This isn't supposed to happen to me anymore." I stared at the brown spot inside my panties. "I stopped getting my period long ago."
"You know what that means, don't you?" Ana asked.
"That i'm failing worse that i thought," i replied.
She nodded. "Exactly."
"Well not anymore; i'm getting rid of this! I don't want it. It means i'm fat."
Ana laughed. "Not exactly, but kind of."
I rummaged through the cabinet in my bathroom. "I don't even have any tampons," i whined. "Now i gotta go to the store."
"You might as well walk there; get some exercise in."
"Yeah, well you know what?" I said opening up the box of diet pills i'd always been to afraid to use. "I'm popping these bitches. And i'm eating nothing but fruits and veggies today and hopefully tomorrow. And the day after."
The pill stuck in my throat until Ana handed me a bottle of water. I took a huge gulp to get it down. "Hopefully this helps," i said. "And hopefully it doesn't fuck me up."
"You'll be fine, sweetie. Trust me."
Trust Ana? Of course i will!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Stop Telling Me I'm Not Disordered!

Ok. To all of you who keep telling me i'm stupid or not anorexic or whatever, go fuck yourself. I never claimed to be anorexic. I said Ana was my friend; i did not say she ruled my life. I am EDNOS, but seriously, how do you personify EDNOS? EDNOS said this, EDNOS did that... Yeah that just doesn't sound as good. Did i ever claim to be anorexic? NO! I am Pro-Ana, that doesn't mean i'm anorexic. Go do your research.

And as far as not being disordered at all: well i'm pretty damn sure that i am. When you want to look like a skeleton, i'd say you're disordered. I want to see my ribs; i want to see my hip bones; i want my cheek bones to stand out; i want my collarbones to poke through my skin. I want to be TOO THIN (as if there is such a thing). That is my definition of beautiful. When i say Ana will make me beautiful, i don't mean big boobs, tiny waist and a nice ass, which is what all of you probably think. No, i mean skeletal, painfully thin, like a breath of wind could blow me away.

This is what you think is beauty:

This is what i know is beauty:

Tequila Rose!

"Here, hun, you have to try this," Jacob said, shoving a bottle of tequila rose my way.
"Calories?!" Ana screamed. "I don't know the Calorie count of that stuff!"
I smiled sweetly at him and tried to pacify both him and Ana. "I do have to drive home in less than an hour, you know?"
"Come on, it's me. You know i wouldn't give you anything that would mess you up to drive," Jacob told me. "You're not that much of a light-weight."
I trusted him, so much that i'd trust him with my life. He was one of my very best friends. I reached for the bottle.
"Jo, you don't know the Calorie count!" Ana cried.
"I haven't eaten anything all day, Ana. A couple Calories won't kill me." I tilted my head back and felt the liquor burn only a little bit on my throat. "Wow," i said. "It's delicious!"
Jacob laughed. "See? I told you. I could chug the whole bottle."
I laughed with him. "If i wasn't driving, i'd second that."
"Calories, Calories, Calories," Ana buzzed in my ear.
I tried to shut her up with another shot of tequila... Then a couple sips of Ryan's DeSorreno. I hadn't had much, but the room was starting to look a little weird, so i took one last shot of Jacob's drink and said i was done.
"Do you want some food or anything?" Ryan asked me.
Ana was in control as far as that went. "No, thanks though," i answered. Any normal person would have found that to be a good idea, seeing as i was a little tipsy from four shots of liquor and hadn't eaten all day, but not i. And certainly not Ana.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Only in the Grip of Darkness Can we Shine Amidst the Brightest Stars

The title is a line from "The Death of Love" by Cradle of filth. If you like deathmetal definately check it out. It's an excellent song.
Yesterday was just a bad day. I'm feeling a lot better today, especially after reading all of your comments. Seriously, nothing puts a smile on my face better than getting on here and seeing that you all still love me, even when i mess up. It's magical! :)
I have this little fantasy where all of us in this little community meet each other at a coffee shop and have a huge party (without food, of course). Yeah.. i know it'll never happen, but i can keep dreaming! I'd hug all of you so tight! Lol. I love you guys!

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Ugh. I'm sorry... I failed. Again. Sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder... I mean one minute, i'll be like "fast fast fast, no food for two months" and almost cry when i see a skinny girl cuz i wanna be her and then the next, i'm like "omg CUPCAKES!" chomp. I'm fucking horrible at this! I can't do it; but i NEED to! I need to be skinny! I need to see my ribs. I don't need to binge, but i do it anyway. What is wrong with me?!
Oh and i now have to wear long sleeves all the time becuz i have this beautiful (but rather enormous) cut running along the length of my forearm. Don't freak out on me; it's not deep, it just looks bad. But i don't really know why i did it either. Sure, i'm stressed from the Matt and Brandon drama, but i don't even think that's why i did it. I accidentally cut my finger a little bit while opening a CD and saw my blood so i just wanted to see more. I'm losing my mind.
Another trigger to the cutting was my dad brought home this book: Biblical answers about tattoos, body piercings, and cuttings (how those three fit together, i'll never know but whatever) (and where or why he got it, i'll also never know but whatever), and it's been laying on the counter for a few days. Every time i see or hear the word "cut" it makes me want to do it, so seeing that book right there every day just pushed me over the edge.
I'm just like, eww i'm a horrible blogger and a horrible follower of Ana, and i'm just pretty much useless... Again i apologize.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks

"Forget about yesterday," i said softly. "So what if i binged a little bit on that stupid bag of candy. Just forget it. I'll do so much better from now on."
"I've heard that before," was Ana's bleak reply.
I shrugged. "Well you know i still have a deficit for yesterday and the day before combined. And my hair started falling out in the shower again, so i must still be making some progress, right?"
"Not as much as you would have."
I sighed. "I'm under a lot of fucking stress right now, Ana. Give me a break!"
"No! I don't do breaks, Jo! Either you're with me or you're not. You might want to take a break from Brandon so you can sort out your feelings, and he might be semi-ok with that, but I. Am. Not."
"I'm not taking a break from Brandon... Not yet..."
"You're not taking a break from me either," she hissed. "Coffee for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch, sleep through dinner. Got it?"
I nodded. "I'll try..."
"No, you'll either do it or you'll fail miserably; there is no in between."
I nodded again. "Fine. I'll do it."
"Sweetie, you've gotta stop using stress as an excuse to eat," she told me, her voice softening a bit. "Even if it was a good excuse, it'd still make you fat. You've gotta stop it. You can't eat; you just can't."
"I know. I won't eat today; i promise. I'll actually make it through a fast this time."
"Good," she said, putting her arms around me. "Yes, very good. Don't let me down this time."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

350 Finally!

As i crawled into bed and snuggled up under the covers, my stomach gurgled. Ana giggled and wrapped her arms around me, "What a delightful sound!"
I smiled and agreed. "I'm hungry," i whispered in wonder. "I'd almost forgotten how good hunger felt."
"350 Calories today," Ana praised. "You'd best keep that up."
I nodded. "One meal a day, and that's IT. Once i start eating i have problems stopping, so only one opportunity to binge is 100 times better than three."
Ana nodded. "Good girl." And she planted a kiss on my cheek.
"I wish i could be sickeningly skinny right now," i whined. "If i was disgustingly skinny, i'd know who wanted me more: Matt or Brandon."
Again Ana nodded. "Once you're that skinny, nothing can stop you. You can do anything; know everything; be anyone."
It sounded absurd... Who would believe that skinniness could enable you to conquer the world, so to speak? But i did. I believed it with all my heart, soul, and spirit. And i needed to be skinny, disgustingly, bone-bareingly skinny.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Who's Team Are You On?

I'm taking a poll, cuz all of you lovely people are so important to me and i want your opinion, so tell me, who's team are you on?


Or Matt?

edit: or maybe i should decide this way: get super, sickeningly skinny and see who loves me then, yes?

Now What?

"I just don't have the motivation to do anything today," i whispered in horror.
Ana rolled her eyes. "Then find it; you're pathetic. It's 10 o'clock in the morning and you've already binged. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"That's all i'll eat all day," i promised vainly. I knew i'd probably fail and inhale more than the 550 Calories i'd had for breakfast-binge.
That made me angry. "I mean it!"
"No you don't. You know you'll end up failing."
So what if i did? She hadn't any right to say things like that to me. "I'm going to do it."
She tossed her head. "I'll believe it when i see it."
"Why don't you just shut up?"
She raised her eyebrows and looked at me in shock. "Well, well, well, someone's in a bad mood this morning."
"Fuck you," i muttered.
Her face crumpled into a mask of hurt. "What is your problem?"
"I don't even know," i answered. But i did know. I had no idea what to do. Matt wanted me back. I wanted him back too, but i wanted Brandon too and i didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't help but think it'd be much easier if i just disappeared from both of their lives.
"Jo," Ana whispered gently, putting her arms around me. "Please don't take it out on me. Just listen to me for once and you'll be happy, no matter who wants you or doesn't want you."
I shook my head. "But what do i do?"
"You have to figure that out yourself. The only advice i can give you is to exercise and starve."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Ok. Yesterday's fast didn't exactly happen... But i didn't freak out and binge or go over 1,000 Calories either, so it's progress from what was happening. Ana's ok with it, i think. I feel skinnier already, now that i don't have the binge bloat. And hanging out with Matt and Brandon went well. I love them equally... but Brandon loves me so... yeah. I'm officially his girl now, since a while ago actually. I may or may not have made love with him yesterday... Am i a freakin' whore?! I feel like i am sometimes, but it's always genuine and for love when i do that, so i don't know. Does anyone else get physical with guys too fast and then feel like a slut even though they love them? Or is that just me and my bad sense of judgment? He told me i was skinny and that he could see my rib cage though, so that made me happy...even though he had to be lying because i haven't seen my ribs in a while.
Oh dearie, i'm rambling. I promise to post normally very very soon... i know, i know, i promised that yesterday too, but life is crazy busy at the moment and my brain is fried, but NO MORE EXCUSES. I'll give you a good story post next time i'm on here.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Quickie--you know you like it Lol

No time to post properly (i'm going to see Brandon... and Matt too. i'm hanging out with both of them together. crazy right?) But i'm going to fast today! Hold me to that. I will not fail, and i'll be here to update and post properly once i get home. much much love to you all.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I'll do Better...

I promise. Thank you so much everyone for your support. I printed off all your beautiful comments and put them in my thinspo journal. They mean so much. I'll be back on track right away. I swear it. I love you all so much!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Can't Even Do This...

This is a picture of me: how fat i've gotten, how much i've let myself go, how much i need to stop eating, and how much i truly hate myself.

What's wrong with me? Where has my control gone to? I've been doing horribly for almost a month now. I say i'll get back to Ana and then i don't! There's something wrong with me. I'm not recovering because i'm far from happy with the way i look, and i binge a lot of the time. (It's like there's no in between--it's either extreme restriction or binging.) I just want to get back to Ana. Really, i do. How can i? I need help. Someone smack me; tell me i'm fat, lazy, and good-for-nothing. Tell me i HAVE to stop eating, and i HAVE to get thin. Help me. I must get motivated somehow... I just don't know how. Can anyone help me at all? Please, i'm begging you.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I came home from work, and as soon as i stepped through the door, i knew it was over. There she stood, grinning at me, a little bloat already on her stomach, but she wasn't done yet. Oh no, she was never done. "Jo!" she cried, throwing out arms that should have been enormously, disgustingly fat but somehow weren't for a hug.
"C." I said her name with only a bit of disdain. I didn't recoil from her touch as i should have.
"How have you been, my dearest?" she asked.
"Hungry," i replied.
"Oh, yes, me too!"
And together we raided the entire kitchen without bothering to count a single Calorie or stop when we felt as if our stomachs would burst. I had come home in full-blown binge mode, the hungry little monster inside me tearing at my stomach and shrieking for food. I tried to silence it by crushing it under the immense weight of all the food i could find. C encouraged me all too much. But the beast would not be so easily destroyed. Now it tore at my insides, trying to get out from under the disgusting mess i had shoveled in on top of it, but with no success. My poor stomach ached so badly; all i wanted to do was be sick, but i could not.
"Oh, Mia, please come to me, just this one time," i begged, but she wouldn't even show her face to me as i bent over the toilet in shame.
"Tsk, tsk," C clucked. "No room for more food? Whatever is the matter with you? I've still got plenty of room. Why don't you just eat past the pain? It'll go away then, i promise."
I shook my head. I'd already tried that. I was past that point. There was entirely too much food in my system. "I've gotta get it out of me somehow," i murmured.
She shook her head. "Fine, whatever. I'm leaving then." And she abandoned me just like that, taking herself and her anger out the door, but not before she grabbed the last couple of cookies.
"Oh, Jo," Ana whispered. "Why would you listen to C? She always leaves you after she makes you miserable; i'd never do that to you."
I shook my head as tears started down my cheeks. "I wish i knew."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Cry for Help

OMFG! I need ipecac or something else to make me throw up. Anyone know where i can buy some ipecac? Or any1 have any other ideas of some way to make myself purge? Because i ate so much shit and i'm just sick of it. My stomach HURTS! I must get it out somehow. Help help help!

Brandon Again.

Brandon's eyes were sincere as he whispered three magical words into my ear: "I love you."
What was i to say? What was i to do? I loved him too... i knew i did, but it was so soon. I still loved Matt as well. I was shaking. "I know you do," i said.
"And how do you feel about that, baby?" His arms wrapped around my waist, letting me feel small. I always felt tiny, breakable, but safe somehow with his arms around me.
"You're not small enough," Ana whispered, breaking the mood.
I ignored her and answered Brandon, "I don't even know."
"It's ok. You can tell me. I want you to be able to tell me everything," he said.
"I don't want to hurt you," i said, tears starting to run down my cheeks.
His big, gentle hands brushed them away. "No, no, don't cry, please." He leaned into me and stole a kiss.
"Ana!" my mind screamed. "What should i do?! You've always made decisions for me; i don't know how to make them myself!" But my mouth returned his kiss and my hands laced through his blond hair.
"Starve," Ana answered. "It's the answer to everything."
"It doesn't help with this!"
She shrugged. "Then follow your heart."
But my heart was broken, which allowed it to go in two different directions, one to Matt and one to Brandon. "Which part?" i asked aloud.
"What'd you say?" Brandon asked me.
"My heart," i said quickly. "It's fluttering."
"Mine too." Oh that Southern accent... Why did it have such an allure?
"I don't know what to do," i whispered into the night.
"Just be mine. I'll take care of you."
"For how long?"
"As long as we can make this last, which i hope is forever."
What was i to do with an answer like that?! Matt was gone... Brandon was right here in my arms. Matt had wanted me for my money and car... Brandon only wanted me for me. "I... I love you..." i said, my tone sounding a bit surprised.
"Say it again, baby, please. It sounds so good."
"I love you." This time more confident.
He smiled. "I love you too."
"Good, good," Ana muttered. "Enough of this ridiculous romantic stuff. Now you must not eat or you'll be fat and he'll leave you."
I sighed. Why couldn't she leave me--just for a few moments?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I shivered in the cold morning sun, and Ana wrapped her tiny arms around me. Her body offered me no warmth, so i dashed to my car and cranked the heater up, praying that it would hurry up and get warm as i froze my way to work.
"Early mornings suck," i said to Ana. "Seriously, who wants to get up at 6 am just to go to work? And it's not even like anyone comes to the store that early anyway."
She shrugged mutely.
"What's on your mind?" i asked.
"I'm just trying to figure out a way to get your work out in today."
"Oh, right. I thought about that last night, and it's seriously impossible. I'm going to work until 1; i'll get home at 1:30, get a shower. Then at 2:30 i'll be on my way to Brandon's place. It's just not going to fit in."
She sighed. "I know." She looked dejected for only a moment, but soon her face brightened. "Maybe you could make it a fast day then!" she exclaimed. "Your mom will never know that you skipped eating. She'll know you didn't eat lunch of course, but she has no clue you didn't have breakfast, and you can tell her you got dinner with Brandon, yes?"
It sounded like a horrible idea. (I won't lie, I wanted to eat everything i saw.) But as i glanced in the rear-view mirror and saw my face, i remembered my friend Cindy's words, "You look like you've filled out a bit more than in school. It looks good on you, but your face looks fuller." Who cares if it's "in a good way"?! There is no good way to have "filled out." I nodded. "Ok, Ana, a fast day it is."
She smiled and clapped her bony hands together delightedly. They cracked loudly in the cold air. She rubbed them together for warmth and turned the heater up a little bit more. "Excellent," she said with a grin.
And i took a huge gulp of my coffee to scald my tongue. No sense eating something if i couldn't taste it anyway.

Monday, October 5, 2009


"Jo, did you eat breakfast?" my mom asked me.
I looked at the clock. I'd been out of bed for an hour and not even thought about food. "Oh, whoops. Nope. I forgot," i laughed. And it was the truth. "Ana, how did i do that?" i whispered to the wraith by my side.
She hugged me. "I have no idea, sweetie. Usually you're obsessing over food, planning breakfast before you even go to bed. But i like this much better."
I nodded. "Me too." I popped two pieces of wheat bread into the toaster. Yuck, scritch-scratchy toast...
"No butter," Ana warned.
"Wouldn't dream of it," i replied. Again, it was the truth. It was so strange that i didn't even want to eat anything. Usually i wanted to eat everything. My stomach growled. It wanted to eat, but i didn't. I liked it.
Ana kissed my cheek as i choked down the dry toast.
"Why am i eating this?" i asked her.
"Because it's all you'll eat all day."
"True enough. I want to run."
Ana looked at me as if i'd just sprouted horns. "You what?"
"I want to run," i repeated.
"Well, damn, it's about time!"
And we went downstairs to dust off the poor, abandoned treadmill.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Brandon? WTF?!

"You're so tiny!" Brandon said, laughing as he picked me up and twirled me around.
I giggled. I knew it was because i hadn't eaten anything all day. It felt good to be called tiny. I even felt tiny when he picked me up. When he set me down, my smile faded. "Is Matt doing ok?" i asked.
His face fell too. "Hun, i don't wanna tell you this 'cause it'll probably hurt you, but he's fine. He broke up with you, not the other way around, remember?"
Brandon was Matt's best friend and next-door neighbor. It seemed so odd that i should be hanging out with him, but it was what Matt had asked me to do. His opening break-up line had been "I think you should date Brandon." Of course, i had no intention of doing so. I was still in love with Matt, after all, but Brandon had been there for me, talking to me since the break up, telling me i'd be alright when i felt that i never would, so when he'd asked to hang out with me, i accepted.
I sighed. "Ok. That's a good thing...that he's fine."
"Don't get me wrong, Matt's my best friend, but seeing him use you like he did just pissed me off. You don't deserve that," Brandon said.
I knew that he thought he could do better than Matt had, but i really didn't care. "He didn't use me," i murmured, still in denial.
"All he talked about was 'my girlfriend will buy me any-fucking-thing,' 'my girlfriend will have sex whenever i want,' 'my girlfriend will drive me anywhere i want to go.' It wasn't about how amazing and beautiful you are. It was all about what you'd do for him. That's not how a relationship should be."
I shrugged. I'd seen it too, the whole time i was dating him. He just wanted me to drive him places and buy him shit, but i wanted to do that for him! Maybe if he saw all that i was willing to do, he's actually love me. Or maybe i'd just ignored it, not wanting to see the truth. Who knows what was going on in my mind.
"You gotta go home, don't you?" Brandon asked.
I looked at the clock. "Yeah... but i don't want to."
Brandon wrapped his arms around me in the most protective of hugs. Why the hell did i feel safe? Was i just using Brandon to get over Matt? I didn't want to do that! I didn't want to hurt him. He really seemed to care about me. "I don't want you to go either," he said in his beautiful southern accent. "You don't know how much i want you to be my baby."
I didn't answer. I was afraid that i might want it too. "Tomorrow," i said. "I work tomorrow and then after that i'll come see you."
"Good." He finally released me from his arms, looking into my eyes as if he really did care.
"Stop caring," i whispered to him. "I'm nothing."
"Little girl"--my heart jumped and Ana clapped at those two words--"i will argue with you about that until i die from arguing. I want you to be my everything."
I bit my lip, gave him another hug, and climbed into my car. "I'm afraid of hurting you and being hurt," i said.
"Then i'll wait until you feel safe," he answered, closing my door and waving as i drove away with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't want to leave...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

It's Over, And Yet it Has Begun

"Why?!" i screamed through the tears that were smothering me. "Why the fuck would you do that to me, Ana? He was everything to me; he was all that mattered. Why would you take him from me?!"
Her face remained calm, her voice, emotionless. "He was replacing me."
"So you were jealous? That's it? You're so immature!"
She shook her head. "That's not all. He made you feel all right about yourself. Told you you were beautiful, and you believed him. You thought you looked good, and you ate! You believed him over me."
"So you were jealous," i accused.
"Mostly, yes," she replied, still emotionless.
I could barely breathe through my sobs, but i managed to scream at her, "Matt was my world!!"
"As i should have been."
"I hate you," i whispered.
She barely twitched. "So you want me to leave you then? What will you cling to, who will help you, if not me?"
"I could get him back."
She laughed. "Not without me. Without me you'll binge eat your way to bizarre fatness. And don't even deny it; you know it's true."
"Then help me get him back!"
"Then leave! Get away! Go! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
"Shut up, Jo," she said sharply. "Just shut up. You know you don't want that."
"I want MATT!"
She rolled her eyes. "You'll never get him. You're too fat. You need me."
And so i did. My stomach lurched. I choked on my tears, and lost my stomach into the toilet. "Fuck you, Ana."
She laughed. "Is that an invitation back into your life?"
I paused only for a moment before replying, "Yes."

Thursday, October 1, 2009

For All of You Hate-Mailers:

Hahahahahahahaha! Seriously? You think telling me what i'm doing is dangerous will make me snap out of it? Well, i've got news for you: i know it's dangerous! I don't care. It's a disorder, not a choice. You make me laugh, telling me you think the skinny pictures are disgusting. You're just too funny. Sorry, but you're not going to change anything. Deal with it.