Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Song Lyrics and Ana

I relate this song so much to the way i feel about Ana... I thought i'd share it with you all:

Silverstein-The Ides of March

Tie me up with sheets, and hang me from your tree
I'll stay out here all night, it doesn't even matter
As long as I can see, into your room and feel
Like I'm inside your life, I'll follow you forever

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
And I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

The snow won't go away, My nose runs down my face
No one sees me here, It doesn't even matter
And every step I take, I stay in the same place
I can't begin to start again why can't I just be perfect?

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

You see my ghost and you'll never forget it
My face is as white as the snow that haunts me
Your windows my door and nothing can stop me
Sometimes betrayal can make you happy

Don't cut me down just yet, I'll make things right again
Don't close your blinds on me, on me...

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

I will never recover from this
I will never believe in this again
I can never go back to the way I used to be before this started

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mirrors and Smoke

Guess what, everyone! I'm back again--that's two days in a row! Well, i'm excited about it. Oh, and i got Jacob to promise me that i'd be able to have computer access at least once a week but closer to every other day. I can update you all and catch up on you and comment and everything again now. Do you know how friggin excited that makes me?! I got 3 comments on my last post and started geeking out just because you all's words make me so happy. I love you all INSANE amounts. Seriously, you make my days much brighter than they would have been without you.
Unfortunately, my update on myself isn't the best this time around... I've definitely got some mental issues... but i'll give you that update in story form.

I'd gone so long without a mirror that would show me my body that i'd forgotten what it looked like, how awful it really was. Sure, Ana reminded me all the time that it was horrid, but Jacob was always telling me that it was beautiful. I'd decided that they both had a prejudice opinnion and that i must be in between the two: just average. But as i wandered into the bathroom at work to clean it while closing down the store, the mirrors caught my eye. They would show me from my hips up! I walked over in front of one and shivered. Did my stomach really look like that or was it just the shirt bugging out and making it look like there was a lot of fat there.
"Don't blame the shirt," Ana whispered in my ear and lifted my shirt . "It's all of your body."
I stared in horror. "I don't eat enough for it to look like that," i said. "And Jacob always tells me i'm beautiful--"
"He's lying, trying to take you from me," Ana told me.
"Jacob wouldn't lie..." i countered, but as i looked at my reflection, i knew that he must be. I look horrible.
"You've got to come back closer to me, Jo," Ana said. "I'll make you skinny, so that you deserve his compliments."
I nodded. "I will," i told her.... but then on the ride home, i binged while driving, C (also known as Compulsive Overeating) whispering in my ear that it was fine. "It doesn't matter; you're fat already," she said.
I cried. This had to stop. I threw the rest of the food out the car window. "Get away from me," i hissed at C. I'm going back to Ana; i swear it!"
C glared at me. "I wanted that food, you dimwit!" she shouted.
"Leave!" i shouted back.
And with one last dirty look, she left. Mia took her place. "Pull over, throw up alongside the road. I know you feel full enough that it'll probably work out just fine. Come on, at least try."
So i did.
"Good job, hunny," she said patting my back and kissing my cheek. "Good job." Then she too was gone.
"Ana!" i screamed. "I need you!"

Monday, September 20, 2010

From Short Update to Gigantic Update

I've missed you all SOOOO insanely much. And so much has happened that i wanted to tell you all about since my last post that i don't even know where to begin, and i'm worried that i'll forget to tell you something important that has happened, but here i go anyway:
I'm married to Jacob! Which is incredible. It really truly is. He's the most understanding, loving, and helpful man i could have ever wished for. We were married on August 24th, as planned, and it was lovely. We both cried, but it was the best kind of tears. It really was wonderful...even though i felt like i was too fat to be in the dress. I couldn't see how i looked good in the dress at all; all i could see was my stomach pushing out in the dress and my icky fat arms uncovered by the tube-top. But honestly, i forgot that once i walked up to say "i do." I really wish i could share some pictures with you, but as it is, i haven't even seen any of them yet. My friend has them all on his camera and hasn't given them to me yet. GRR. But yeah, i promise i eventually will share them with you.
We're no longer living with Brad. He happened to steal about $50 from us... which Jacob had hidden in my underwear drawer which rather creeped us both out and pissed us both off. We would have stayed and put up with that anyway because even that would be better than going back to Jacob's mom's house, but then Brad lost the house, so none of any of us could stay. However, luck was on our side and we didn't have to go back to Jacob's mom's house. Now we're renting the upstairs off an older couple who Jacob had made friends with beforehand, and that's going quite well.
Weight loss... seems to be more weight maintainance at the moment... but then again, i haven't really been trying as hard as i could for a loss. I've been eating more like two or three times a day than one like i should be. :/ I'm going to fix that though. I've got a little black notebook that i keep stashed in my purse that i'm turning into a food journal so i can keep track of what i'm eating rather than just not caring and maintaining, which i would swear is gaining, but Jacob says isn't gaining at all. I swear it's a gain though... really i do.
I guess it's hard for me to tell if i've gained or maintained though, because the only mirror in the house we're living in now shows me nothing but my neck and face, not even my shoulders and arms. It's horrifying to me to not have a clue what i look like. Also, there's no scale anywhere at all, so i can't tell you (or me) what i weigh now, which is another thing that is absolutely terrifying to me. Jacob has promised to buy me a full length's just taking forever for that to happen.
Oh, and something happened to me just two days ago that i wanted to share with you all. I was sitting there that evening talking with the woman who owns the house we're renting the upstairs of, and somehow the subject turned to food and eating habits. I told her that i "used to have an eating disorder, but am now more or less recovered" (lies are always laced with truth). She asked more about it and i told her it was kind of like an extrememly mild anorexia. Told her i didn't know why it started, no one had ever called me fat, in fact people always told me i was skinny. Her response to that was "oh, no, you're not too skinny! you look good." I tried to be ok with those words. She said i looked good.... but she'd also told me i wasn't skinny.... and that hurt me like hell, and it's been bothering me ever since. In fact, i think that might be what triggered me to start the food journal up again.
Do you all remember those bruises that were showing up on my legs and freaking me out because i didn't know why or how? (Yes, i'm jumping madly from subject to subject.) Well, i got a lot of comments telling me that it was probably anemia, so i got some iron vitamins and started taking them every day, and the bruising went away, so that must have been the issue... But here's the fucked up part: i want the bruises back, so i stopped taking the vitamins. I miss having bruises all over my legs, and i'm excited for the vitamins' effect to wear off so i get them back... And i have no idea why. I wish i could understand my mind sometimes...
Hmmm.... I'm racking my brain to try to remember if there was anything else i wanted to share with you all.... But i think that might be it for now, so i'll leave you with all of my love and all of my thoughts along with this short little story-form post:

I staggered wearily into the bedroom. An eight hour day of all work and no food had taken quite a toll on me. Ana said taht fact made me weak and pathetic, but i held my head high, simply proud that i'd managed to abstain from food for that long.
Jacob smiled up at me from his place in front of the TV. "Notice anything different?" he asked after kissing me to welcome me back home.
I nodded. "You cleaned the room up. It looks really good."
He nodded proudly, then picked up his controller and resumed his video game. I yawned and made my way downstairs to get a bottle of water--only the water, no food. If i got food, i'd look weak, needy, and god-forbid, human! So i went back to the bedroom with only my water bottle... and snapped...
The bag that i'd bought from modeling school had been in plain sight (in the middle of the floor and very much in the way, sure, but still, easy to find) before i left for work, but now it was gone, and i didn't know where it or its contents were. Somehow, that greatly bothered me. "Where's my bag?" i asked Jacob.
"In the closet," was his reply.
"Why would you put it there before i could even unpack it?! All of my make up is in it and so is my straightener. I need that stuff. It better not have fallen out on the floor," i growled, but didn't bother to check. Instead i went to the dresser to get the cigarettes i'd left on top of it. They were gone. "What the fuck, Jacob?!" i cried. "Why did you smoke my cigarettes? I got them for me! You had your won. Besides, you're supposed to be quitting. How the hell is it quitting to smoke all of your cigarettes and all of mine? What the fuck?!" With that i collapsed on to the bed and started to cry.
My ever-patient husband dropped his game controller and wrapped his arms around me. "Baby, don't cry... I'm sorry. Please don't cry," he crooned. "Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."
"I need a cigarette," i sobbed, followed by, "and i need a mirror... and my blog... and i really, really need a fucking scale!"
"You're needy as hell," Ana scolded.
"But i NEED it," i whimpered and continued my crying.
What on earth is wrong with me?