Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm Scaring Myself

I looked in the mirror today and thought, "Oh, wow, i'm not as fat as Ana says i am." Then i thought about not listening to anything she says at all.
But then her skin and bone reflection appeared next to mine in the mirror, and i realized that i was wrong. "No," she whispered in my ear. "You can't leave me that easy. Look at yourself again." She pinched at my thigh, "Chubby there." Then she poked at my stomach, "Pudge there." She kissed my cheek. "Could be a bit bonier there..."
I sighed and conceded, "You're right."
"You've been trying to approach taking me back in a much too healthy manner," she told me. "Wanting to start out with just making sure you cut back to 1000 calories a day, then slowly edging it back down without even a single workout planned. Come on, Jo, that's not like you. You need to jump back into this quickly. Fuck that healthier approach. Fuck your thinking 'oh its fruit, it doesn't count'. Jacob has gotten far too into your head with this whole health thing. Food is not healthy; it makes you fat."
I couldn't help but agree. I really was trying to ease myself back into Ana's lifestyle far too slowly. That was never how i'd done it before. Why should i start now?
"Honestly, sweetie, you're scaring me with this new 'healthier' side of you," Ana told me.
I nodded. "I'm scaring myself with it too." It seemed so sick to be healthy. "I promise i'll stop right now. Tomorrow i'll start the 2468 plan and find some way to work out."
She smiled. "That's my girl."

P.S. To all of you who follow me, yes every single one of you, i love you very very much. And to those of you who leave me comments, thank you very very much for your words and encouragement and support. They mean the world to me.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Once upon a time

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, a woman named Ana appeared in a little town called Siena, Italy. Many people scorned her, saying that she was frightening. The people whispered among themselves in their native Itallian tongue, "Just look at her! She's far too thin!" "She has no last name that she will tell us." "Does she ever eat? I saw her buy a lot of food and then throw it all away." "Her only response when i asked her where she came from was 'my own willpower.' What is that to mean?" Almost the entire town began to shun her. But not Caterina Benincasa. This lovely sixteen year old girl was far too kind hearted to shun anyone. Besides, she thought to herself, Ana seems to be hurting just as much as i am.
One day on the street, Caterina approached the fearsome stranger that seemed far from fightening to her. "Are you lonely?" she asked her.
Ana smiled and nodded. "Profoundly." She offered Caterina her arm. "You are too; i can see it. You don't have to be anymore. I can be your friend."
Caterina hugged her tightly and they became fast friends from that point on. Caterina always told Ana everything that was hurting her. Even that very first day, she spilled her heart. "My older sister has died, and so has my youngest. Now my parents are wanting me to marry my older sister's husband! It's horrid. He was my sister's husband, not mine. And i've already sworn chastity to God in heaven. I cannot marry," she mourned.
That was when Ana showed Caterina something that she promised would solve everything: Fasting. "I used to speak with your older sister," Ana told her. "She used the fast to get that brute of a man she married to treat her better. It really does work for everything."
The fasting was hard for Caterina sometimes, but Ana never let up on her pressure to do so. "The greater the suffering, the greater the triumph," Ana reminded, and Caterina agreed. "Soon you'll be so thin that no man will want you," Ana said gently stroking Caterina's freshly cut hair. "But i'll see you as beautiful."
Caterina smiled. "That's so lovely," she said and fell to sleep.
She became a nun and changed her name to Catherine, and Ana followed her there giving her a helping hand as she fasted and gave away all of her food to the poor. She traveled all over the world helping people and serving her God in Heaven with Ana at her side, never letting her stop the fasting as many people pressured her to do, until she died in Rome at age 33. Ana buried her kindly and went in search of a new friend.
"Why do all of my friends die," she mourned, "and i never will."
It's the truth. That was back in the 1300's, and Ana still has not died. She does have many, many more friends now though. And in 1940, Ana even convinced the Pope to name Catherine a patron saint. Ah, yes, Ana is much much more popular and loved now. She's not lonely anymore. We all love her very much.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


A bit of progress... not in the way i look, but in getting on my way to fixing that. Jacob and i got a mini fridge and a bunch of healthy food, so now i won't be eating fast food every single day (or any day at all) like i was there for the past month. It should really be a lot better. He's telling me he's going to get my workout equipment tomorrow (but he's been saying that for the past week or so... We'll see how that goes). But at least i'm in control of the food that i eat now! I'm excited. Trying to come up with a plan that i'll stick to. Any ideas? What plans are you all following?
It'll all be better soon. :) Things are definitely looking up. Hope you all are doing even better! Best wishes and lots of kisses!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


"Your clothes weren't stolen, dimwit," Ana said harshly. "I gave them to Keia. They'll fit her much better than they'll ever fit your fat, lazy body."
Tears welled up in my eyes, but i just stared at her in shock, saying nothing.
"The skinny jeans will fit their name on her. You turn them into chubby jeans when you put them on," she scoffed. "And lingurie will look much much less fightening on her. You're too fat for all that pretty, frilly shit."
I bit my lip.
"And the bracelet that Jacob gave you for christmas: i gave it to someone with a thinner, prettier wrist."
That was when i snapped. "You fucking bitch!" i screamed. "He loves me just the way i am! And you can't just take things from me like that!"
Her eyebrows raised. "Oh no? I thought you wanted me to take something from you: something called fat. That's what i'm trying to do, darling."
She had a point, but i didn't give a flying fuck. "Get out of my head!" I shrieked. "Get out! Go! Leave me alone!"
"You don't want that," she countered.
I shook my head. Once again, she had a damn good point. "Fuck off," i snapped and clutched a razor. "I'll replace the bracelet myself. "And i began to do just that with blood and cuts taking the place of the gold and silver. Then i burst into hysterical tears.
Ana tried to hold me but i shoved her away and continued my sobbing into the pillow. "I hate you," i told her. "I hate you and i hate the life you've given me."

**When i get back on track, i'm going to get some of the lyrics from the song 'Focus Shall Not Fail' tattooed on me. I just havent decided where yet. Any ideas?**

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Story time!

"Time for a new start," Ana whispered in my ear.
I shoved her away. "Buzz off and let me enjoy this New Year party."
She shook her head violently. "Oh, no you don't. You made me a promise that once the new year got here, you were gonna come back to eating my way." She pointed to the clock. "It's 12:45. Complete new year. No more fucking things up."
I sighed. "You're killing my alcohol buzz."
She nodded. "Yeah, well, you gotta get your shit together. Maybe once your'e skinny and beautiful, your luck won't be so bad all the time."
"Come on! The stuff that happens to me has nothing to do with my weight."
"Oh no?" she said, sceptically raising her eyebrows. "You think i can't bring bad things your way when you ignore me? Think again, love!"
The buzz was gone. "Fine, maybe you do, but... i don't know how i'm going to handle food in your manner with Jacob always by my side."
"Don't make excuses. You know he said he'd be fine with you eating a salad with no meat on it 5 days of the week. You really ought to go with that, and on the other two days eat a bit of grilled chicken and veggies to make him happy. Or, even better, skip out on eating any day any way that you can without lying to him, little miss 'i must tell the truth'. You'll do fine if you just start trying."
I nodded. "Ok. I'll try," i ceded.
"Good," she replied triumpantly as she gave me a hug. "I love you!"
"I love you too, despite how annoying you can be sometimes."
She giggled. "Annoyance is a virtue sometimes."
"Perhaps it is in your mind..." but i really could see her point.

*I've done really well sticking with that plan! I managed to skip eating two days since the year began, and on the other days, the calorie count has been either 500 or below that. I feel skinnier and stronger (and hungrier! which really makes me happy) every day. I'll be truly thin someday soon, my loves. I really will! I know i can.*

Saturday, January 1, 2011


Hi, everyone. Quick update here: everything seems to be looking up. We moved...again, but its much better here. We have our privacy and the people we're living with are really nice whenever we interact. So it really is a lot better.
The holidays are over, and i made it through in one piece, so you know what that means. It's time for Ana to help me tear myself apart. I will stop hating the way i look, because we will make it much, much better. Not sure what the exact plan is yet. Jacob makes it a bit difficult to have a plan, but i guess i could begin to be a bit difficult too, knowing that it'll make me much happier in the end. So i guess that's the plan.
I'll try to start updating and giving you my story posts more often sometime. The internet is down where i'm living right now tho... so... yeah... But i'll try. I love you all. Good luck with all of your new years resolutions!