Monday, August 31, 2009
"Caffeine addict," Ana accused teasingly, wrapping her arms around me protectively.
"You know it," i replied with a laugh. I took a sip of my drink. Sweet salvation, all black and steamy, bitter and beautiful in bone-white cup. "Oh, coffee, my love, it's been too long," i addressed it.
Ana laughed at me. "You're crazy, talking to your drink like that."
I winked at her. "Would i be with you if i wasn't crazy?"
"I suppose not." But she considered her laughter.
I sipped away at my coffee and read a bit of the book Ana handed me, Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. Ana pointed out certain sentences and i wrote them down in my thinspo scrapbook. We must have looked like quite an odd pair: two girls, a coffee-addict just starting to become skinny and a thin little waif, cuddled up together, chattering away and sharing a book like the very best of friends, but i didn't mind. I was just glad that Ana was being such a lovely friend today. I vowed silently to myself to not disappoint her, at least not today; i would do everything she asked of me.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Progress! Beauty! Now, i admit i had to suck my stomach in a bit for these lovely bones to show, but they're showing nonetheless and i am beyond thrilled. I just HAD to share with you all. I'm as happy as can be. Stay strong all you beautiful people! :)
I groaned. "I feel like i ought to." I felt like i was going to be sick, quite involuntarily, after eating less than 300 Calories.
"You're a failure," she told me.
"Oh come on, Ana, don't be so hard on me. I was practically force-fed that little bit of a lunch."
"Well you wouldn't have been if you'd come up with a lie last night instead of telling your mom that you hadn't eaten dinner."
She was probably right, but i hadn't had the energy to figure out what i'd supposedly eaten for dinner right there on the spot. My mom had frowned when i'd told her i hadn't eaten anything, possibly because she knew for a fact that i hadn't had lunch either and suspected that i hadn't had breakfast.
"When's the last time you ate?" she'd asked me.
"I don't know," i lied. I knew full well the exact hour i'd eaten last and exactly what i'd eaten, but i wasn't going to tell her that.
Then she'd figured out that i hadn't eaten breakfast again, even though i'd gone through all the trouble of fabricating dirty dishes. Therefore, lunch was an absolute must. I'd sat at the table and carefully pieced together a sandwich, (It had to be just so.) and then miserably picked it apart, peeling the crust off the bread, eating that, and then eating the remainder of the sandwich layer by layer. Mom had looked at me again with disapproval, but seemed satisfied that i was at least eating something.
"I'm sorry, Ana," i apologized for something that had been beyond my control. "You do realize that my fast lasted for 43 hours though, don't you?"
She laughed. "Yes, i suppose that is intense progress for someone as prone to failure as yourself." She gave the compliment with a razor edge tacked onto it, but it was still a compliment, and it made me smile. "And you're paying for your sins now."
I nodded and put a hand on my poor stomach. It was so full! But secretly was really quite pleased with the fact that so little food had made me belly-burstingly full. "I'm not going to be eating anything else for the rest of the day," i promised.
"Very good," Ana said, slipping her arm around me. "You didn't hear this from me, she whispered in my ear, "but i really am quite proud of you."
Saturday, August 29, 2009
1.) the only good thing about today: the fast went well, no slip ups, no hunger, no temptations
2.) i wrecked the car... and now my parents are plotting out the best way to kill me for it
3.) i think my boyfriend's mad at me because i asked him if he'd be mad if i cut. i didn't cut because he told me not to, but i hope i didn't upset him by asking... i just really really wanted to cut, you know?
4.) i have a ton of your blogs to read and comment; feeling like such a bad person for posting before reading but i just don't know if i'll even be able to find the energy to read them all tonight. i will try though
5.) killer headache: prolly from not eating and stressing and crying a lot
Wow. I hate my life right now.... Hope everyone is doing better than me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
"Just call me C," she answered, rooting through the cupboards.
I frowned. "What's that short for?"
"Nothing really. Here, just eat something."
I'd already eaten too much, but i accepted the food she offered, barely even seeing what it was as i stuffed it blindly into my mouth. Some sort of ravenous hunger gnawed at my stomach and begged me to keep eating. "You're going to make me fat, C," i told her.
"Nonsense," she tsk-tsked. "Everyone knows you could use a few pounds on you."
I looked down at my bloated stomach. Funny, i'd thought i was too fat.
Mom yelled at us for eating her cherry poptarts, but we didn't care; we just kept eating them. Dad asked what in the world i was doing eating a hamburger, but i ignored him and took another too-big bite of greasy, fat meat.
"Here," C shoved a bag at me. "Eat these too."
"But i don't even like Cheetos," i protested.
"Why does that matter?" she asked me, biting into a frozen something-or-other, not wasting the time it would take to heat it up.
I shrugged and dug into Cheetos. Might as well eat them; C was right, and it didn't really matter anymore anyway. Together we ate everything in the kitchen except the silverware. (Ok, maybe i'm exaggerating just a little bit.)
I was stuffed; C was not. "We should go buy ice cream!" she suggested, and for some odd reason, it sounded like a fantastic idea. I grabbed the car keys.
Then Ana appeared. "Get out of here, you bitch!" she screamed at C, who cowered into a corner.
"She-she's yours?" C asked, her voice trembling as she bowed before Ana. "I didn't know..."
"No, really... I didn't!" and with that C ran away, leaving me to face Ana's wrath alone.
"Why would you listen to her?" Ana turned her fury to me.
"Who is she?" i whispered, too afraid to speak aloud.
"Compulsive overeating, you dumb-ass."
C.... I should have known....
"What were you thinking?!"
"I.. I don't know." It was my turn to stammer and stutter before Ana.
"You're pathetic. I don't know what's wrong with you," she murmured.
"Sorry doesn't cut it, Jo; it doesn't even come close." She turned away from me.
"How can i fix it then?" i asked, desperate to patch things up with her.
Her head spun around and her shocking eyes met mine. I did my best not to shudder or pull my eyes away. "Fast," she said sharply. "Fast for at least two days."
I nodded. "I will."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The little girl my mom babysat stood next to me and stared. That was normal; she was always staring at me, even when i was acting normal. "Go play toys," i told her. I didn't want her learning disordered eating from me.
She didn't budge, nor did she answer me. She just stood there and stared at me with a blank expression.
Ana laughed at her. "Don't push her away; a little bit of me would do her good."
"Ana," i cried, horrified. "She's only two!"
"Have you seen her eat?!" Ana defended herself. "Every time someone goes into the kitchen she squeals 'i hungry; eat!' and then she only wants to eat junk."
It was the truth, but still. "Have a little pity, Ana," i said. "Ashley, go play toys!"
The little girl blinked and then ran away, hollering my mom's name. "I hungry; eat!" she shouted, even though she'd just eaten five minutes ago.
"See?" Ana said smugly.
I ignored her--secretly thinking that she was completely right; that kid was going to be obese--and continued licking the oatmeal from my spoon. By the time i was halfway through the bowl, i was full and it was cold, clumpy and disgusting, but i finished it off for no other reason than the fact that "clean your plate" had been ground into my brain. "Why do you suppose parents do that to their kids?" i asked Ana. "It's just plain cruel."
She just shrugged. "How should i know? I spend my time trying to get people to overcome that."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I answered without hesitation, "Matt."
Ana snorted. "Other than him."
Again, i had no need to hesitate. "To be tiny."
"Elaborate," she encouraged, pushing a notebook at me. "Make a list."
I picked up the pencil on my nightstand and nibbled at the eraser. "Oh shit," i muttered. "I wonder how many Calories are in pencil eraser."
Ana laughed at me. "You've lost your marbles... to me!" she said delightedly.
I rolled my eyes and let out a little laugh. "I suppose i have," i consented, and then i began to write:
"Things i want(a comprehensive listing):
01. I want to be thin
02. I want to be able to wear all white and still look tiny.
03. I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint--rather cliche, but still true
04. I want to be beautiful
05. I want to rock a bikini
06. I want to not be embarrassed when i have to change in front of others
07. I want to be confident
08. I want to be the first one to shed her clothes at the beach
09. I want to be strong
10. I want to see my bones: my collarbones, my ribcage, and my hipbones especially
11. I want to fit into my mom's wedding dress when i get married (she only weighed 100 pounds when she wore it)
12. I want to put my hands inside my ribcage--twisted, right?
13. I want to deserve praise
14. I want to smile at the number on the scale or tape measure
15. I want people to call me thin
16. I want to be the thinnest girl in the room ALWAYS
17. I want to be hungry
18. I want to be someone's ultimate thinspo girl
19. I want to be proud
20. I want others to be jealous of my body
21. I want to feel accomplished
22. I want people to tell me to eat because i'm "too thin"
23. I want to love myself
24. I want bruises from bumping my bones on things when i'm clumsy
25. I want a concave stomach--flat simply isn't good enough
26. I want to make Ana proud
27. i want to never have to consider Mia because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up
28. I want delicate, stick-thin legs (instead of my disgusting thunder thighs)
29. I want to be in the double--not triple--digits on the scale
30. I want the pain of payment..."
I paused for the first time since beginning my list. It kind of scared me that i hadn't even had to think to write down those thirty things i wanted, and yet it also made me proud. I handed the list to Ana, who read over it with approving eyes. "Keep this somewhere close to you at all times," she told me with all the seriousness in the world, "and read through it every time you want to eat anything, even something 'safe.' It'll help you."
I nodded. "I will," i promised. "And i will not fail again."
"Shut up," i hissed at her. I didn't want Ana to find out. I didn't need her to tell me that i was doing wrong; i just knew it.
But Ana already knew, and there she stood in the kitchen doorway, shaking her head. "You are a pathetic waste of entirely too much skin," she insulted.
"I stayed under 900 Calories," i defended myself.
"On a 400 Calorie day!" she countered.
I hung my head. "But i'm not going to eat anything else today," i said to the floor. "Under 900 means i'm in control of a binge."
"Would you rather be in control of a binge or in control of everything?!" Ana shouted. "And look at you; you're not in control. You're standing in the kitchen eating a COOKIE! At least take it to the blasted table, which is supposed to be the only place you ever put food into your mouth. And at least binge on something worthwhile in nutritional value. What is wrong with you?"
"I don't know," i said sarcastically. "Maybe i was hungry?!"
Ana snapped, "Don't you get smart with me."
I looked away. It was the first time i'd ever picked a fight with her. Perhaps she wasn't out of line at all in asking what was wrong with me. "I'm sorry," i muttered penitently.
She snorted. "You'd better be." Then she was gone, leaving me to throw the last bite of my cookie into the garbage can.
"Mia?" i cautiously mouthed the name of the friend whom i hadn't seen in forever.
She was there. "Yes, hunny?"
"Can you help me?"
She shook her head. "You can't throw up, remember?"
I remembered that fact far too well. "Yes, but i can't stand having this food inside of me!"
"Laxatives," she suggested in her musical voice.
I rushed to the medicine cabinet and tore it apart, only to find that we had no laxatives.
"Sorry, hunny," Mia said, disappearing. "Better luck next time."
I sank down to the kitchen floor, pulled my knees into my chest despite the horrid pain that caused in my too-full stomach, and wept. "Damn cookies. Damn cravings. Damn mouth. Damn food!"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I frantically searched my brain for something that would be believable. "Sheetz," was the only thing i could come up with. She knew i loved their french fries--loved, past tense because now the thought of all that fat just made me want to throw up-- so i was safe and wouldn't have to come up with the exact food i'd eaten.
She nodded vaguely. "Have a good time?"
I smiled. That was a question i could answer. "Yup." I'd spent the day with Matt and his friend Jacob. Basically, we'd just driven around, wasted gas, and killed time, but nothing was ever boring as long as Jacob was involved, and i'd managed to avoid all forms of Calories, except for an 8 oz. sugarfree Red Bull (10 Calories) while i was with them, which finished off my day at a beautiful 265 Calorie intake.
But that brought another thought to my mind. "Oh crap," i muttered to myself. "I forgot to ask Matt if he was hungry at dinner time." I hadn't even thought of it; he'd had me so distracted, and i hadn't been hungry so the thought that he might have been hadn't even crossed my mind.
"Oh, relax," Ana tried to soothe me. "Surely he would have said something if he was hungry."
"No he wouldn't have," i argued. "He already thinks i spend too much money on him."
"Well it's not like he doesn't have food at his house," she countered. "Besides, if he'd wanted to eat, you would have had to eat."
"Would have been worth it just to make sure he didn't need anything." I said it too low for her to hear. "I'm such an awful girlfriend... I didn't even want to make out today because i felt so fat and gross."
"Shut up and stop being insecure," Ana told me harshly. "He's not going to leave you because you didn't buy him dinner or because you didn't want to do anything."
I knew that, and yet somehow i was paranoid that he would. I loved him far too much; every time i loved someone that much, i simply had to lose them. It was just the way my shit life worked. "He could," i whispered. "And he could get someone skinnier and prettier and more secure."
"Stop it," Ana said. "You're prettier than all the other girls out there."
I blushed. Ana didn't compliment. What was up with that?
"And you're on your way to being skinner than all of them too. Just keep following me." She kissed my cheek.
I hugged her close. "Matt won't leave me, right?" i asked, needing still more reassurance.
"Right," she answered, hugging me back only more tightly. "And neither will i."
I smiled slightly. "Good," i whispered. "Very good."
pokerface gave me the idea with his last post to put up rib pictures. Now, i'll admit, i don't have much in the way of ribs (i'll probably have more to show off by the end of this week, since i'm sticking with the ABC), but i figured i'd show off what little bit of progress i have made. Enjoy... Maybe even be thinspired? Or is that too much to ask?
69 followers, by the way! *giggle* 69. Do excuse my immaturity. Lol. I love you all.
Monday, August 24, 2009
"Making a salad," i replied calmly, filling my bowl with lettuce.
"Because i'm hungry." Duh! Why else would i get food?
She looked at me like i had two heads.
"What?" i asked.
She didn't answer.
Wow. People in my family were so messed up.
Everyone sat down around the table to eat dinner. I joined them with my salad bowl.
"Aren't you going to eat a sausage sandwich?" my aunt asked me.
I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. The very thought of all those Calories made me want to puke. "It's pork," i stated.
"So?" My aunt was beginning to get on my nerves by that point. She knew i didn't eat pork!
"So it's full of grease and fat."
"It's good for ya," she said with a laugh, smearing mayonnaise on one of those huge, 200 Calorie rolls and loading it up with meat.
"Bull shit!" Ana hissed.
I jumped, hoping no one but me had heard her. Swearing was not an acceptable form of communication around my family. "Not really," i said, wondering how the hell my aunt could even dare to give me food advice. At 5 foot nothing, close to 200 pounds, she was not exactly what one would consider thin or even healthy.
She dropped the conversation and began talking to my mom.
"You haven't been dating the best guys," my grandma decided to say to me.
"Fuck you; my boy is the best out there!" my mind screamed, but i bit my tongue and smiled sweetly, answering her with a shrug.
"You should stay away from scruffy boys," she continued. "Well, at least that's what the rumors are."
She'd never even seen Matt, and he was beautiful, certainly not scruffy. I continued to bite my tongue and shrugged again.
My grandma shrugged back at me and joined my aunt and mom's conversation.
"So what are you going to do now that you're out of school? Just look for a job?" my grandpa asked me.
He knew i wanted to be a model, but he wouldn't accept that. "Yes," i answered, "at least until i get enough money to start my career." Too bad he wouldn't even make a donation to help me get my portfolio and get on my way.
He grunted and went back to eating. He just wanted me to go to Bible college and be a missionary to some deep, dark jungle somewhere; that was the only way he'd be happy with me.
"No wonder i need you so much," i whispered to Ana. "This family refuses to accept me for the decisions i make and who i am. I need some way to be perfect."
"I'll make you perfect, sweetie," Ana reassured. "Just keep on eating that salad and don't even look at their fat food."
Sunday, August 23, 2009
"No," i said and reached instead for the broccoli. I measured out exactly one cup, and steamed it in the microwave. I carefully sprinkled the perfect amount of salt onto it and went over to the table to enjoy what was by far my favorite "safe" food.
Halfway through my broccoli, i was bored. I wanted to go read blogs or draw a picture or something while i finished up. But Ana wouldn't let me. "You've got to learn that you can't mindlessly eat; that's what makes you fat. The table is the only place you're allowed to eat from now on." I managed to obey her.
But then, as i took my empty bowl out to the kitchen sink, temptation called to me again. I opened the refrigerator door and peered in cautiously.
"Jo..." Ana warned.
"I just wanna look at it," i reassured her as my hand reached once again for the pizza box.
"Don't," she commanded.
I didn't listen. Before i knew what i was doing, the box was open and i held a slice of fat-filled pizza in my hand, and my hand was moving toward my mouth. I couldn't see anything but that pizza.
"Jo!" Ana shrieked. I paused, the food suspended just inches from my mouth. "Think of the people doing ABC with you!"
That snapped me out of my food-trance. I hurriedly threw the pizza back in the box, slapped the lid back down on top of it, slammed the refrigerator door, and ran from the kitchen, moving as quickly as i could so i wouldn't change my mind. I went to my room and closed the door, throwing a heap of clothes that had been lying dejectedly on the floor next to my bed in front of it. "No getting out now," i told myself. "No pizza."
Ana slipped through the door and floated over the clothes. "Good job, sweetie," she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I've never before seen you be so strong."
I smiled and replied, "I couldn't have done it without those lovely people and you."
Saturday, August 22, 2009
5' 6" (1.68 m)
The one and only übermodel of the late 1960s who made skinny an "inny" was born Leslie Hornby in Twickenham, Middlesex, England on September 19, 1949, one of three daughters of William Norman and Helen Hornby. By blending pop art with fashion, the doe-eyed, pouty-lipped gamin with the angelic puss and boyish crop took the industry by storm at age 17 defining the age of "flower power" almost singlehandedly. She was the unassuming Cockney lass who "launched a thousand shapes" and forever replaced the voluptuous image of what modeldom had once been all about. She originally was nicknamed "Sticks" because of her reed-thin figure, but then switched it to "Twigs" and, finally, "Twiggy." A model for a scant four years, she had never even walked the runways by the time she exploded onto the scene. Educated at the
Was regarded as "the face" of 1960s swinging
Measurements: 31AA-22-32 (at age 17), 32-23-32 (during peak of her 60s modeling career)
Looks like i'm not the only one who's been inspired by Twiggy. Here's a couple pictures of Keira Knightley (another of my all-time favorite thinspos) paying homage to the supermodel of the 60's.
For a particularly interesting article on Twiggy, click here.
"Yes, yes, Ana, i know," i finally answered her. She was almost annoying me. "I'm going to start it tomorrow with pokerface and sorry_i_can't_be_perfect."
"Are you excited?"
I frowned. "Should i be?"
"Duh! How do you expect to be able to do it without some level of excitement about it?"
She was right. How could i make myself excited, though? I was too busy worrying that i was going to fail everyone again.
"Come on, sweetie. Be excited! I'm excited!" Ana urged.
The frown still wrinkled my forehead as i searched my own feelings for the excitement that was practically radiating from Ana. "How?" i finally asked.
"Silly girl," Ana said softly. "It's easy. Think of all the reasons you have to be thinner: you'll be more confident, you'll be more beautiful... so many more reasons."
I nodded slowly, still not feeling the excitement.
"And think of Matt and how much more worthy you'll be of his infatuation when you're skinny. Think about the people beginning the ABC with you! They're so supportive and beautiful, and they're doing the exact same thing as you, so they'll help you do it better. Think of the others who follow your blog. They're beautiful and going to support you too. Everyone's excited about it but you. Come on, sweetheart..."
The frown disappeared and was replaced by a little bit of a smile as i nodded again. I was getting excited people i loved were the best motivator. "Alright. I'm excited," i said with a laugh.
"Good, great, fantastic!" Ana joined my laughter. "Now... shall we look up thinspo together?"
Take care everyone. Thankyou for all your wonderful comments. You all inspire me more than you know. Much much love.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Ok, i'm sorry, but this just isn't pretty... I was on the website for Glamour magazine looking for thinspo of some sort and i came across this article that was totally glorifying the above picture. I was just like what in the world?! Her stomach's flabby and her thighs are big. I mean, i'm glad she's confident and all, but maybe she should just be confident and not show off everything to everyone. It's just disturbing. I'm not saying she's obese, but she's definately not thin enough to have pictures like that out for everyone to see. If anything, she's a reverse thinspo.
*End rant: sorry. I wasn't going to say anything about it... i just couldn't get it out of my head. Hope you all don't think i'm a mean, unfeeling person now.
Ana shot me a warning look. "Resist it," she warned.
"I am," i insisted. "I've only had 400 Calories today, and i'm not hungry."
"You just said you wanted to binge."
"That doesn't mean the same thing as hungry."
She laughed. "You don't make any sense," she told me.
"I know," i said with a laugh of my own. "But it's ok because i don't have to make sense as long as i'm not eating."
The conversation went dry for a moment, a moment that i passed by sitting there poking at my stomach. It was so puffy and fat and gross. I moved on to my thighs, even more fat and gross--and worse, there was a bit of cellulite there. "I'm so ugly," i told Ana.
"I'm helping you become beautiful, though," she reminded.
It was taking to long to be beautiful. It was too much work to be beautiful. However, giving up was simply not an option. "I know you are... Thank you."
"Any time, sweetie."
Thursday, August 20, 2009
She looked at me expectantly, a little smile tugging up the corners of her lips. "Yes?"
"I've been lazy and useless. I haven't even been living up to half of my potential. In trying to control everything about my life, i've freaked myself out and lost control of my eating habits. I've binged far too many times this week, but i want to do better because i know i can. I want to show you all of my determination and all of my bones. I'm done listening to the stupid little voice in my head that tells me i should be more healthy about food; that your way is unhealthy and i should quit. I'll listen only to you now." I took a deep breath, feeling better for getting the long-planned speech out. "I'm giving you my everything from now on."
A joyful tear formed in the corner of her eye. "I've waited so long to hear that, sweetie." Her arms were around me in a flash. "I waited and waited and never left, trying to be patient, just to hear those beautiful words. And now you're finally COMPLETELY mine." She sighed happily. "Oh it'll be splendid, darling. You'll be so thin and weak and beautiful. I'll make you the very best you can be."
I smiled, wrapping my arms around her waist as tightly as hers were clamped around mine. "Thank you," was all i could think to say. "I love her!" my mind yelled in its bliss. "I love her so much."
She kissed my cheek. "I love you," she murmured in a sing-songy voice.
"Oh, Ana, i love you too!"
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
She put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I know... It's not too bad. It's ok this once, i suppose. Just do better tomorrow."
"I will," i promised. "Who would've thought that once can't even get a low calorie salad at a resturant?"
I'd eaten lunch with my boyfriend and his family, browsing the menu for as long as i could without making myself seem like a crazy only to find nothing that could help me stay at 300 Calories for the day. Fortunately, i had only had two baby carrots for breakfast and i wasn't planning on eating anything else, but i'd still gone over my Calorie limit for the day, and that upset me.
I drew some dotted lines on my fingers with a pen lying on my desk. "Cut along dotted line..." was all i could think. Oh the cuts and the blood and the pain would all be so good. Just what i deserved for failing two days in a row, too. It'd leave lovely scars, i hoped. It'd been ages since i'd cut. I wasn't particularly sad; i was quite happy, in fact. I'd been with Matt all day! Nothing could be better than that! But i still wanted to feel pain. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to punish myself for what had been beyond my control.
"You're twisted," Ana accused, but she didn't try to stop me.
"I won't cut too deep," i promised and picked up the knife.
Ana kissed the small incision i made in my left thumb as i drew a line of blood on my ring-finger with the tip of my too-dull knife. "You're strong against pain," she told me.
I threw my head back in the extasy that came from the pain and her compliment. It was all so very good.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Omg 61 followers!! AAAAAHHHH! It makes me so freaking happy! I love you all, even my new ones that i barely know. xoxoxo!
So the real reason i'm making this third post today is to tell you all about a new blog i've found. *strawberry//shortcake* She's pretty much alone, as i'm her only follower so far, but i know you all will give her the support she deserves. She's quite lovely as i'm sure you'll all find out.
Stay beautiful everyone!
I looked up in alarm, guiltily setting down the jar of peanut butter i had been polishing off with a spoon . How long had she been watching me? I swallowed my mouthful and opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't think of a single thing to say.
"Seriously, Jo, who can binge while watching a blood and guts horror movie that makes people sick to their stomach. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I meant for it to make me sick so i wouldn't binge," i said honestly. "But it didn't. It's disgusting, and i shouldn't be able to eat anything while i'm watching it, but... oh i'm so sorry Ana."
She just shook her head. "You have some serious issues, you know that? Don't you want to see your ribs?!"
"I do. I really do."
"It doesn't much seem like it."
I looked into her eyes for a split second, but had to look away. I had failed her. "I even wore my bikini to try to motivate myself not to eat," i murmured. "I don't know why nothing helped."
"Maybe because you're not fucking trying hard enough!" She was back to shouting. "Oh i hope you get so sick from that food."
I met her shout with a whisper. "I do too, but you know Mia and i don't work together."
"I know," she replied. "It's a pity. You've got the binge part down perfectly. You'd make a perfect bulimic if only you could PURGE!"
My stomach did feel awful. I said a silent prayer that i would naturally purge. "I'll be back on track tomorrow, Ana. I promise."
"You'd better be. I'm getting sick of you," she spat and left in a swirl of too-baggy clothing.
I threw the peanut butter jar across the room and wept.
As always, thanks everyone for your support and comments. I love you bunches!
Monday, August 17, 2009
I glanced down at the number with a grimace. "At least it's not a gain."
"Sure, sure," Ana said, without sounding very convinced that it was a good thing. She scribbled down the last measurement number on the chart she'd drawn. "Let's just hope that when we measure you again in a week you'll have lost a lot more." She was in a such a sour mood.
"I will," i said with a frown.
I reached for my sugar-free Red Bull, hoping the caffeine high would boost both my metabolism and my mood. My mother had told me earlier that i was crabby, but i wasn't trying to be. It was her fault; she'd walked in on me and Ana while she was taking my measurements, caught me red-handed in my disordered behaviors. I hoped she hadn't noticed how spazzy i'd been about trying to hide the brightly colored measuring tape; i hoped she hadn't noticed the tape at all... But what if she had? Would she monitor my eating? I couldn't afford that, not now that i was so determined to go through with the ABC without a single failure.
"What will i do if she finds out what we're doing, Ana?" i asked the waif rummaging through the clothes in my closet.
"Be strong and find a way around all of it," she answered without even looking at me. "Stop being such a baby about it." She pulled out the beautiful dress i was too afraid to wear because of my fat arms. "Do you want to be confident in this or what?"
The glorious, goth-style dress took away my breath, and all i could do for a moment was nod. "Oh yes," i whispered. "I want to be able to wear it for Matt one of these days."
"I think he'd love it on you... if you weren't so fat," Ana said in all her brutal honesty.
"I think i'd love it on me if i wasn't so fat," i said dejectedly.
Ana pounded a nail into my wall. "Yes. I think i would too." She hung the dress and its hanger from the nail. "There," she said proudly. "Now you'll see it all the time, and you won't be able to forget your goal."
"You're brilliant," i told her, wrapping my arms around her tiny body.
She laughed and returned my embrace. "I know. And you'll be brilliantly beautiful if you'll keep listening to me this time around."
"Oh, i will, Ana," i vowed. "I really will."
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I don't know about anyone else, but lately i've been feeling rather... uninspired. So hopefully this little thinspo will help me and everyone else too.
Yeah, this first picture is me. :) I'm giving you all a kiss! Thanks for following me! I seriously love all 56 of you!
"But i'm back." I hoped that that tiny fact would relieve her pain even just a little bit.
She bit her lip. "But you gave up. You just abandoned me. No warning, just *poof* and you were gone. Why would you do that?"
"I don't know."
"You were making so much progress. You were starting to see ribs without raising your arms; you were starting to see hip-bones poking through. Your stomach was flatter than it had ever been before. Then you just gave up! I don't understand you at all." Ana was yelling now, but her tears still flowed down over her pronounced cheekbones.
"Neither do i," i muttered. "Please just forgive me. Give me a second chance. You saw how far i made it this time, and next time i'll make it even farther. Don't leave me, Ana."
"But you left me."
"I came back!"
Ana put a hand on my shoulder. Her eyes pierced into mine. "Maybe it's you whom i should be begging not to leave me," she said bitterly. "You need me, Jo."
I nodded. I knew the truth of that statement. "I won't leave you again, Ana, i swear it. I'll fast all day today and then i'll restart the ABC tomorrow. And i won't even fail anymore."
"I've heard that before." Her hand clamped down hard on my shoulder, making me cringe. "You'd better see to it that it's true this time."
I bit my lip to keep from crying out at the strength of her embrace. "I will," i said.
"Good." She released me, her eyes flashing. "I'll be around. I'm always watching you." Then she walked away, leaving me to nurse the bruise on my shoulder, the dark reminder of what happened when things went terribly wrong between me and my dangerous friend. I loved her all the same, and this time, i told myself, i would not fail her.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ana laughed. "Still not good enough, are you?"
I shook my head. "Never will be, but check this out." I pulled my shoulders back so i was standing up perfectly straight. "You can see my ribs a little bit."
She nodded and put a thin hand on the bones that were beginning to show through my pale skin. "Yes, yes i can. How beautiful. Perhaps there is hope for you." She shuffled through my closet a bit and then tossed me a black t-shirt. "Here, try this. It should look alright."
I smiled and pulled the shirt over my beautiful ribs. I spun around in a circle in front of Ana. "How do i look?"
Her eyes ran over me skeptically. "You'll do," she finally consented.
They weren't exactly the words i wanted to hear, but they were better than a downright insult. I slipped back out of my skinnies and grabbed the pair of scissors by my bed. "Just in case..." i murmured as i cut out the size tag. In case of what, i didn't have any idea, but it did make me feel better to get rid of the tag that could betray me by letting on that i was more than the size 00 that i wanted to be.
Ana chattered to me as i straightened my hair and went through the process of putting on my make-up, telling me over and over that under no circumstances was i to eat today. It was a fast day. No cheating.
"Yes, yes, of course," i said and ran out to my car.
On my way to Matt's house, i sang with the radio. "Confidence," i told myself. "He'll like that." But then my heart leapt into my throat. "What if he thinks i'm too skinny?!" I'd never had such a thought before, and it made no sense at all, seeing as i was so certain i was fat, but i knew i'd been losing weight since starting the ABC. "Stop it," i told myself. "You're being ridiculous. Yesterday he said you were beautiful. He'll think the same today." I pushed aside my fears and pulled into his driveway.
To my relief, his first words were not "you're so fat," nor were they "goodness, you're way too skinny. Instead, a smile rested on his glorious face. "You look so beautiful," he said to me.
I smiled, and i'm sure i blushed. "Nonsense," i muttered.
"Total and complete nonsense," Ana agreed.
"No, really you do," Matt insisted. "You're beautiful."
I smiled again. I didn't believe him, and Ana wouldn't ever let me, but still it was so very nice to hear...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Her face was stern as she said a decisive, "No friggin' way."
"I'm under today's 500 Calorie count though, and you woke me up at midnight last night just to keep me up all night. I'm tired and i'm hungry," i whined.
"No. You're not eating the cereal. And no. You're not eating the bread. And no. You are not eating a cookie! Goodness, Jo, what is with your new obsession with carbs? Do you want to get fat? Seriously, just think about what that food will do to you. You're supposed to see that beautiful boy tomorrow. Do you want to be fat for that."
My eyes widened. Ana was right. What would happen if he invited me to sit on his lap? What would happen if my shirt lifted up just a tiny bit and all the rolls of blubber from a binge were exposed?
"I'll tell you what would happen," she said with a wicked smile. "He would think you're fat and disgusting and, if he knew anything about eating disorders, disturbed. We can't have that."
What on earth had i been thinking? I couldn't eat! The very thought of food made me sick to my stomach. "You're right, Ana. I shouldn't even have asked. I'm sorry. I won't eat."
Ana's smile transformed from wicked to kind in an instant. "That's my girl," she murmured, kissing my brow. "Why don't you try to get some rest now, sweetie?"
I nodded. "Thank you for stopping me, Ana." I paused, wondering if i should say the words that were on my mind, the words that were on my very heart. When my decision was made, "i love you," i told her.
"Oh, darling," she giggled. "I love you too."
"And i need you."
"That you do, Jo. That you do..."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
"Sure you can. That's what the drink's for, sweetie."
I nodded, and finished it off, but it didn't help. It was a trick to walk around the fair all day in the hot sun without staggering, but i managed alright. I had to; couldn't let anyone know that anything was wrong. A skinny boy asked for my number, and i gladly gave it to him, thinking that must mean i was semi-skinny myself. I smiled at that, but Ana had to whisper in my ear and remind me that i was certainly not skinny enough just yet; i had to keep working at it.
"I will, of course," I told her. I managed to get through the day on only 360 Calories, feeling slightly sick after even that little bit of food.
When i got home, i instantly fell asleep in Ana's glorious arms. All was well.