Sunday, September 30, 2012

Story post!

"What on earth are you eating?!" Ana's stern voice whispered in my ear.
I turned around guiltily to face her. "Apple pie," i muttered.
"No shit, Sherlock," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Let me rephrase that question. What on earth are you thinking?"
I shrugged. "I thought we decided that Sunday was a treat day when i didn't really have to worry about what i ate as long as i didn't get ridiculous with it."
"Well you just did get ridiculous with it. Seriously, apple pie?!"
I hung my head as my brain reeled throughout it searching for some sort of plausible excuse. "It's been sitting on the counter so long...and i don't want it to go to waste. Besides, it's low sugar." That was the best i could come up with.
"Low sugar doesn't mean low fat," she countered, "and who really cares if something so pointless goes to waste?"
"I was just really hungry and it was the fastest thing i found," i admitted. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I just thought it would be ok since i hadn't eaten for 24 hours on top of working my butt off."
"You used to do that on a daily basis and you never bitched out on me like that."
My turn to roll my eyes. "You're supposed to stay nice and not turn into a monster again."
"Ugh!" was all she had for a response, and she slowly faded out of the room, leaving behind only a mild case of guilt.
It doesn't matter, i thought to myself. Sunday IS my day off, and it's not like it was a full out binge. That pie is really all i'm going to eat for lunch anyway. I worked hard enough to earn it.
"Stop making excuses," Ana's voice reached me from an unknown source, and i had to agree with her. It was rather pathetic to make such excuses when i could have chosen something much better to eat... "But it's in the past. I can't change the past by sulking about it. I'll do better now," i promised myself.
And i really will do better now.

I'm proud of myself! I actually found some motivation and wrote you all a story post! Does that give me license to rant a bit now? Pleeeease? Oh well, i'm doing it anyway. I live with two men. This life has brought me to the conclusion that men are worthless, lazy pieces of annoyance that are really only good for the occasional sweet action. Seriously, i worked my butt off the past two nights and the men of the house can't even take out the garbage? All hubby's been doing today is complaining about how tired he is--which i might add, he really is so tired by his own choice of staying up late when he didn't have to. I'm trying to get some housework done and only asking him to watch Fate. He is doing it, but not well. Roommate on the other hand has done nothing all weekend except sit in front of the TV playing his retarded video game. Ugh! Seriously, i wish i was a man so i didn't have to do anything of value.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

No Time to Post Anything Intelligent... Here, how about some pictures instead

Funny faces with me and Fatie

Lounging with Fatie.
 Neither pic is particularly attractive, but i think they're funny, and i thought i'd show you all some of my more laid back side. I love how in the bottom picture Fatie and i both look like we're pissed at the world. Haha.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Yesterday and Today

I need to start writing in story mode again. I was proud of the fact that i did that because i felt it made my blog unique...but i've just gotten lazy. I've thought about it several times since i started posting again, but i sort of have a problem writing that way now that Ana isn't so prominent in my life. I'll have to ponder on it a bit more, and  hopefully soon i'll figure out a way to get back to my old writing style.
Writing hasn't been the only thing i've become lazy in these past several days. I haven't done yoga since monday, even though Fate is constantly reminding me to do it by tugging at my rolled up yoga mat and trying to mimic what she's seen me do on it. It's adorable, really, and i think she enjoys watching me and trying to copy my movements. That alone should be enough motivation...but damn depression had been making me lose all motivation to do anything.
Jesse had to quit his job on tuesday because we were losing money getting him to and from work with the ridiculous price of gas and such a long drive to get there. He says he thinks he should be able to receive unemployment compensation because just before he said he needed to quit, they ended his assignment for lack of work anyway, so my fingers are crossed that he can. I like having him home...but for some odd reason i seem to be more motivated to eat well, exercise, clean the apartment, and spend all day doting on my little lady when he isn't here. I think it's just because i know i have help with everything since he's not working, so i rely to strongly on that help and lose all motivation to do anything on my own. Foolish, since he certainly doesn't even do half of the cleaning and playing with Fate that i do, but i hold onto my false hope of a day to just relax with determination. Oh well...
Yesterday was a horrid day, but that was mainly my own fault for not drinking my pot of coffee in the morning. The day just started out awful because i got my check from the insurance company in the mail and it was $1000 short of what it was supposed to be. I thought i was going to get screwed over so badly when i saw that, and i freaked out. Thank goodness that when i called in, my agent readily admitted that he had made a mistake and told me he'd put the check in the mail with the rest of the money he owed me on it. I thought for sure i'd have much more trouble getting what i was owed than i did. The only down-side is that i've got to wait even longer to get a new car now, but it really could be much, much worse.
The rest of the day was horrid because even though the situation that threw me into spaz-out mode was easily cleared up, it left me in a depressive state because my brain likes to linger in such states for no apparent reason. I also was hurting all over... I swear i have arthritis in my knees, and there is something wrong with my neck and spine... I don't know how to fix it though because i don't have a family doctor to see about it, or the money to get one. Pain always puts me in an awful mood since there's nothing at all i can do to fix it.
On top of that, i just gave up caring about not eating junk food and ate a piece of pie. Also, as before mentioned, i failed to do my yoga. So all of that made me sulk and feel like a failure.
BUT today is a new day, and it will be better. I'll make sure of it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Fatie had a fantastic birthday. :) She smashed her cake and figured out how to open and play with all her gifts. I ate some cake today, but that was to be expected anyway, so ana hasn't said anything at all about it. Hope you all enjoy the pics. There's a couple with Jesse in, and a couple with me in, but most are just Fate by herself.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Depressive Post.... Fuuuck

I'm trying not to be so glum and moody in my life, and in my blog... But i've hit another depressive day. We're losing money with Jesse going to work because we don't have our car. It was totaled trying to miss a deer. The only help we could get was from his aunt, who lent us her truck, which gets terrible gas mileage and has needed over $200 in parts that WE had to replace. His work is over an hour away from our home, and he gets paid $8 per hour. So we're spending all the money he makes on gas. The car was wrecked roughly 2 weeks ago and we still have not received even the paperwork from the insurance company, so we have no way of getting a car. On top of all that, Jesse is pretty sure that the truck is about to break down again, so he's just going to have to request a leave of absence at his job and hope he doesn't get fired for it. This is all just a bit much on me right now. I can't handle it.
Fate is screaming her head off because she's sleepy and refuses to sleep, and the dude that lives with us is on the phone yelling, so of course that's keeping her awake. Thanks for your consideration, asshole. He does this kind of shit all the time. Not to mention that he doesn't even clean up after himself, so i feel like his mother, always cleaning up after him. It's ridiculous. I need to get out of here.
I haven't done my yoga today.... I've been too depressed. Maybe if i actually did it, it would help me to get more focused and less depressed.
*Bursts into tears*
Sorry... Let me come back and try to post later.
Fuck my life. 

7 hours later i am feeling much better. I stayed in my depressive mode for quite some time, and even ended up having a bit of a junk food binge (3 cookies and one snack cake. ugh!) and completely skipping out on my yoga because i just couldn't find the motivation. But Ana really isn't kicking my ass too bad for it. She's been so nice lately. "Everyone makes mistakes. Just start over, and it'll all be alright," she told me after the binge. It's actually so much easier to listen to her when she's pleasant like that; maybe that's why she's been so nice.
After Fate woke up from her nap, she gave me cuddles and lovies and smiles. I think she could tell that i was upset and she wanted to help me feel better. It definitely worked. She's such a little angel. We searched through Netflix together until we found a show that she liked and we watched that for a while, then read stories and played toys until dinner. Jesse gave her her dinner, and then i gave her her bath afterward. More cuddles and toys, and a bedtime story, and then she went to bed perfectly. I don't know what i'd do without that child.
Then i started cleaning the entire apartment. It had to be cleaned for her birthday party tomorrow. I will NOT have guests coming to an untidy home for my baby's birthday party. There's really something very therapeutic about cleaning for me. No matter how awful a mood i'm in, if i clean, everything is so much better. I have no idea why. It's spotless now, and i'm quite proud of myself for not half-assing cleaning on a depressive day like this.
All of your lovely supportive comments helped me out too. I really do feel 100% back in the game.

Tomorrow is Fatie's birthday!!! I'm so very excited. That's when i'm going to post the new pictures of Fate and i for you all to see because i'm sure you'll all want to see her birthday party too. I can't wait! :)
Thank you for all your love and support. Hugs and love right back at you all. :) 

Monday, September 24, 2012


"Saw your face, my hand you took, just like in a storybook, and, you got me. Yeah, you've got me. I can't even argue, couldn't cuz it's true. Now you've got me. Yeah, you've got me, got me wrapped up in your pocket. Don't know how you won my heart cuz i locked it. Yeah i locked it...."
-She and Him: Got Me

She's back... not full-force yet, though i know she will soon figure out how to get there. I keep telling myself i'm not going to let her take control like she used to. I mean it, really i do, but i'm not even sure if it's possible. I don't even understand why i want her so badly. When it comes to sexual attractiveness, i prefer a woman with some nice proportionate curves... so why on earth would i want to be a stick figure!? 
As of right now, her plan for me is something that i don't think anyone could really object to. She wants me to cut out all junk food, do a short yoga routine daily, and not worry about anything else. I don''t see how this is a bad plan at all, so i'm going with it. How could i not go with it? She's my first love, and there's not a reason to object to such a harmless plan. I've been doing it for about a week already, and i had a couple slip-ups, but she didn't freak on me, just told me to try again. This was how it started when i first met her though...she seemed so harmless and turned into a monster beyond belief. But i won't let her turn into a monster this time... i think. Wish me luck.

On a side note, i seem to have lost a lot of the bloggers i followed. They've just stopped posting out of the blue. This makes me so sad. I'm hoping they're in recovery or too busy with a wonderful happy life to worry about blogging, but i'm still worried about them. If i follow you and you haven't posted in a while, but you're still here, please leave me a comment telling me you're alright. 
The positive side to this is that it gives me some time to check out new blogs. If you need a new follower, comment me with your link and i'll check you out.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


The title kinda says it all. :) So i'll be updating on a more daily basis and trying to get back in touch with all of you and caught up on all of your blogs. I'm so very excited! I  don't have very much time to myself in a day with my daughter taking up all of my time in her adorable-ness, but with the time i do have, i will get caught up and back in touch and update way more often. You all know i've missed you horribly.
To update on Ana, she is slowly creeping back into my life. I should have known better than to think i could be completely rid of her... I'm welcoming her back, and pushing her away in equal amounts. It's al so confusing. I love her, but i hate her. I want her, but i don't want her. But i'msure you all know how that goes.
To update on my lovely little Fatie-baby, she is doing wonderful and growing up so fast. She's going to be a year old on the 26th, for goodness sake! She's walking by herself now, and repeating what she hears so much (calm that potty-mouth, momma!). She gives hugs and says "i love you" now, and she gets more beautiful every single day. I'll have to post some recent pictures of her soon. I'll have to post some recent pictures of ME soon. It's been so long since you all have seen me or heard anything at all from me. Oh i missed you! But i'm really back now. I promise. Love to all of you!