Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Baby!



Fate Alice Jefferis was born Monday, September 26, at 3:38 am, weighing in at 6 lb. 8 oz. and measuring 18 inches long. In doing so, she completely stole mommy and daddy's hearts. Perhaps i have a biased opinnion, but i think she is the most beautiful baby in the entire world. :) Honestly, worth all the physical and emotional discomfort i've gone through. But, of course, i'm running on very little sleep at this point, so this post is going to be rather short because my brain is just too tired to form many words into sentences. I'll update you all more later on... if i ever get bloody internet connection again! ugh. Love you all bunches. And here's a pic to hold you over until i come back...probably with many more pictures.



Saturday, September 3, 2011

Finally!

Sorry it took so long to update you all. Right after i posted my last update, Jesse and i decided to just say fuck it and move into the appartment without waiting for the mold to be taken care of. Fortunately, the landlord actually kept his word and "took care" of the mold on tuesday, so it was taken care of when we did move in. However, i'm not sure how taken care of the mold truly is, considering that all he did to take care of the mold was scrape the ceiling and paint over it. We've decided to just keep the room closed off for a good while and see if the mold grows back and go from there. The baby can just sleep in a bassinet in our bedroom for a while rather than have her own room. Who knows, it might even be a better idea to keep her close for the first several months just to make it easier on us. But we are fully moved in! And i'm sleeping on a bed! And i have privacy! It's amazing.
The only bad thing is i have no internet access there yet. We will get it hooked up sometime soon. Just a bit tight on money and trying to buy a bunch of stuff we still need for the place. But that's why it took me so long to update you all on everything with that.
Oh, and more good news, my baby is completely fine. The "too big" kidneys were simply a mess up on the part of the person doing the ultrasound last time. They measured perfectly normal with this past ultrasound. So thankfully there's nothing at all to worry about there.
Everything is going very very well. And i only have one more month to go until my baby comes. Can't wait! The end of pregnancy is indeed very miserably uncomfortable. I'm always too bloody miserable to even think about how much i hate my body at the moment. Ha. Lovely, isn't it? Oh well. At least everything else is going well. :) Hope you all are doing well also.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Update

So... I've got some bad news and some bad news. Where should i begin? With the bad news, i suppose...
I'll start with the simple bad news: i'm still not moved into the damn appartment. Jesse says we'll be moved in this week, but hello, it's thursday already! I did completely clean the kitchen cabinets and cupboards a few days ago, and i started putting away some dishes and other kitchen-ware, and the carpet is almost completely laid, and the electric is even turned on, but the mold is not taken care of yet--slow landlord anyway! Supposedly, he took care of it on tuesday, but i haven't been down there to see if that's true or not...so i'm just going to assume it's not since last time he told us a specific day he'd look at it, i swear all he did was just that: use his eyes and take a glance at it. Also, the landlady said she's going to scrub the walls in that room and paint it for us as soon as her hubby finishes up getting rid of the mold. Being pregnant, i can't be around paint fumes, so if she truly is painting today, as i was told she was planning to do (notice how little i believe it's actually happening...), that puts our move-in on hold for at least a couple days. Blah. This is the stupidest move-in i have ever heard of!
Now the not so simple bad news: i went for an ultrasound a couple weeks ago to doublecheck my amniotic fluid levels because the measurement for that came back a bit high on the previous ultrasound. The results of this last ultrasound had the amnitic fluid level measurement coming back normal, but the baby's kidneys were measuring too big! The doctor said that that could just simply be the person doing the ultrasound making a mistake, but he also said that if the kidneys really are too big, there's some sort of blockage keeping my baby from urinating properly. So, not this monday, but next monday i'm going for another ultrasound to doublecheck the baby's kidney measurement. I'm worried...even though the doctor told me not to worry. I mean, yeah, it really could have been the ultrasound technician's screw up, but it could also be a problem with my child's health. Of course, i'm gonna worry! I really hope it was just a mistake. The amniotic fluid measurement was a mistake, and the same person that screwed up that measurement did this last ultrasound, so hopefully it's just that she doesn't really know what she's doing... Fingers crossed and prayers going up like crazy.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Still Not Moved In

That's right. I'm still waiting to get moved in. We've got half the carpet laid, but we have to wait until this weekend to lay the rest (and not even completely all of it. The cieling in the baby's room needs fixed before we lay the carpet in there.). I'm so tired of paying rent on a place that i'm not living in! I was so happy because i had an appartment of my own before, but now, that same fact is making me depressed. We're still flat broke, too. Spending all that money on stupid carpet and other essentials for the appartment is killing us. We don't even have money to get food, which at any other time would be the best thing ever, but it doesn't exactly work that way when you're 32 weeks pregnant. So all i've been eating for the past 3 weeks is really nasty, cheap, kill-you, processed foods...and i can see that it's making me gain. Yes, yes, i know i'm supposed to gain because i'm pregnant, but this isn't just baby weight. This gain is making my face chubby and my thighs even bigger than they were before. I'm hating my life at the moment...
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm sure i'll be posting a much happier post if i ever do actually get moved in. I'm hoping to be moved in this weekend, but i'm not counting on it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Ugh!

I feel like total shit on so many different levels right now.
I've caught a cold, complete with aches, stuffy nose, and sore throat. The stuffy nose is what's really killing me right now. It's hard enough to breathe when you've got a baby squishing you're lungs, but top that off with stuffy nose and it's absolutely miserable. I get out of breath from just standing up! And of course, all i want to do is sleep all day because i'm so bloody sick, therefore, i feel even more useless than i did before. Cold medicines that are safe to take during pregnancy? Of course not! Why on earth would they ever make those. Gah!
I'm also stressing out to the tenth power sqared about getting this appartment set up. I realized that the carpet does not need scrubbed--but replaced! It's going to be impossible to scrub because it's peeling up and has a bunch of wrinkles in it, not to mention my friend said that her carpet scrubber probably wouldn't even get it clean without those wrinkles because of how dirty it looks. Fuuuuck!!! Carpet is expensive (I priced it this past monday and the cheapest i found was $65.99 for a 9 ft. by 12 ft. roll. We're probably going to need at least 3 of those rolls.).... Maybe Jesse and i should have fully thought this through and looked much closer at the carpet before we signed the lease... Stupid us! Oh, and the electric is still not turned on. I called the electric company and asked about all the fees, and discovered it's probably going to cost us around $300 to get it turned on. Plus, we both have to go in and fill out paperwork and have a credit check and a bunch of other bullshit. The difficult part about that is their office is only open from 7:30 am to 4:00 pm on Monday through Friday. Jesse is never not at work during those times, and his boss is a dick if he tries to call off, so we're still trying to figure out how we're both going to get in there, and how we're going to afford that ridiculous $300 fee. Why does it have to cost so friggin' much to live?! And that's just the stuff that absolutely needs done before we move in. There's a ton of stuff that will need done eventually after we move in. (The walls most definitely need painted. They're a horrid blotchy beige. The light fixture in the living room is a hiddeous, dark-colored, egg-shaped thing that most definitely needs replaced because it's probably not going to give off much light at all. Oh dear, i don't even want to think about what all esle we'll need to do!)
Stress stress stress stress stress! "Don't stress while you're pregnant; it's not good for the baby," everyone says. Anytime someone says this, i just want to smack them and say, "You live my life for a couple weeks and see if you don't fucking stress!" UGH! HELP! Freakout, meltdown... and now i'm making no sense... so i'll shut up...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Picture *grimmace*

I finally figured out a way to post a picture that you can see my baby belly in. It took me a while to figure that out, actually, because there's no mirrors that show more than just my face at the place where we're living, and i always forgot to ask Jesse to take a picture for me. Then i saw that my friend Emily tagged me in one of her wedding pictures on facebook. Perfect! ...Ok, not so perfect, i look horrible, and my hair is fucked up in it, but whatever, it's the only picture i currently have that shows my baby bump. It's about a month old, i think, so my belly is definitely bigger now, but you can get the general idea. :/ Jesse and i are obviously the couple on the left. (And yes, i dyed my hair while preggo.) But yeah, there be it. Remember i love you before you comment! Lol.



Thursday, July 21, 2011

Awesome News

We got the appartment! Two bedrooms, a nice sized living room, a fair sized kitchen, and a smallish bathroom. It even has a hookup for a washer and dryer--a friggin' miracle if you ask me because i hate laundromats. It's actually quite big, and really nice for as cheap as it is, and on top of that, it doesn't even need much fixing up. All that really needs done is the carpets need a good scrub, the tile floors need swept, and the one bedroom needs the ceiling redone (which the landlord said she'd get done as soon as she can, and somehow i trust her to make that happen fast.). She also told us that she has no problem with us wanting to paint walls or exchange carpet or decorate how we please as long as we consult with her first, just to make sure it's not some sort of crazy color or look that no one else would be likely to like. So really all that's left to do is clean like a fiend and get our stuff moved in and set up... oh, and get the electric turned on...which is actually gonna take a little bit since we're broke as fuck from the security deposit and first month's rent. We've just gotta wait until Jesse gets his next check, and then we'll use that to turn the electric on and start moving in. He gets his check this Saturday (or Monday if the mailman feels like being a cock like he did last week...) so that's not so far away. Even if it was a ways away, i don't think anything could bring me down right now. I'm on cloud nine! I HAVE A HOME!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Well, hello...

I take forever to update, don't i? Grrr! Lazy butt!
Anyway, i took all of your advice about the sex thing, and talked to Jesse in detail about it. He pitched a fit just as i suspected he would from hearing me say how ugly i felt, but i think it made him understand why i am the way i am about anything sexual now. It all happened last night. He kept touching me and i kept pushing him away. Eventually, he got that sad, puppy face and asked me why i was doing that. So i swallowed my fear that he'd be angry with me for feeling the way i do about my pregnant body and told him. He told me a billion times that i'm not fat, and i'm not ugly, and of course i argued to the opposite end of it all, but in the end it all turned out quite well. We made love, and the entire time all he did was tell me i was beautiful, and that he loves me. AND might i add, he asked me why i never take my shirt off! I guess he really was just clueless to how i felt. So that's actually quite a relief.
Oh, the trailer thing didn't work out at all. We didn't even get to look at it because the people who called about it before us took it before we even got the chance. Let's just hope that that's for the best. Tonight we are most definitely looking at a place though, and there's no one in line in front of us for it. The lady told me over the phone last night that if we want it, we can sign the lease tonight and it will be ours! She seems really sweet too. When i told her i'm pregnant, she seemed excited and was like, "Well, the one bedroom will be perfect for a nursery!" That instantly made me like her. It seems that she's really taking an interest in us as people, not as income. As long as the place looks liveable, i'm snagging it! Can't be too picky or i'll never have a place. Plus, it's not like we can't make improvements if they are needed. Oh, i really really hope this works out as beautifully as it's seeming to. I'm so ready to have my own place.
I'm doing alright as far as depression over the weight gain goes... for now. Let's hope that keeps up.. I just keep telling myself that it will definitely be worth it in the end when i see my baby. I also found a pregnancy weight gain calculator online, and it told me that i'm barely gaining enough weight. I'm in the lowest of the low weight gain range, so that's helpful to me. I know i'm gaining enough, but not too much. :)
I'll try to keep you all more updated. Maybe i'll even get my lazy ass moving tomorrow and walk down here to the library and tell you how looking at the appartment went! They did finally get their air conditioning fixed, so it seems much more desirable than sitting in the house with absolutely no AC.
Love to you all!

Friday, July 15, 2011

More Randomness

It's been a while, hasn't it? My vow to myself to keep caught up on blogging and try to get some exercise by walking to the library every single day has been horribly dishonored... mainly because i'm just so friggin' lazy. The weather has been pretty indecisive for the past week as well though, and i didn't want to walk in the rain or in the 100 degree heat, but when the weather was fine, my body was far from it. My feet and ankles have been swelling up again for no apparent reason seeing as i'm really not on them all that much, and i'm not eating a lot of salty foods or anything else that should make it that way... Perhaps i should have told the doctor about it. Is it important somehow? Also, i think the fact that my lung was collapsed a little over a year ago is a very bad thing for me now that i've got the baby pushing on my lungs all the time. It doesn't take much of anything for me to get out of breath. The other night, just lying in bed i felt as if i couldn't breathe and was pushing invisible hands away from my face. I guess i should probably tell the doctor about that too, huh? I've been having a lot of headaches as well, and have wanted to do nothing but sleep all day and go to bed early in the evening. Then last night--in the middle of making love (which is a bit awkward now... i'll update you more on that in a minute)--i got a nosebleed out of nowhere. What is going on with my stupid body? It needs to quit doing weird things to me like this!
Anyway, about the awkward love-making. It's kind of an issue for Jesse and i now. I mean, it's hard enough to do anything when you're living in someone else's living room, but there are times when we have the privacy to do things, so he wants to...and i really just don't. It's odd for me; i used to be a complete sex addict, but now, i don't even want to think about it. A few days ago, Jesse asked me, with a hurt look on his face "Do you not like making love to me anymore?"
I responded, "Of course i still do... We just live in a living room, and never know when someone will walk in."
"Do you find me unattractive now?" he asked.
"No! You're still gorgeous, hunny!"
"Then why do you always push me away when i touch you?"
The only thing i could think to say was an unsatisfying, "I don't know."
I feel really bad about that exchange... but i just don't know how to tell him that making love doesn't feel good when i can't hardly move because there's too much of me, and all i can think about is how disgusting i must look naked, and i know he has to agree with me on that because the last several times (warning: tmi about to come) we did anything, he made no attempt at taking my shirt off, which has never happened before. I also didn't take my shirt off, and he didn't complain about that like he used to... I don't know. Maybe i'm just being stupid and overthinking things... I'll stop telling you all about my sex life now.
On the posative side of things, we finally have the money saved up to begin looking for our own place, and we made several calls to places that were listed in the newspaper yesterday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the 3 bedroom trailer that only costs $450 a month, including everything except electric. The lady we talked to about it said that the outside isn't that great, but the inside is "in decent condition". I'm kind of worried to see how crappy it looks, but at the same time, if it's just in need of some minor fix-ups i'm more than willing to go with that, and take care of the fix-ups it needs. We're planning on going to look at it this weekend, and if we want it, i've got the cash for the security deposit and first month's rent to just hand to her then and there to hope that she'll give it to us right away with that sort of a bribe. I just like the idea that it doesn't cost very much, so we'll still be able to save up to actually buy rather than rent a place to live. Plus it's one of two places that actually allows pets, and i really don't want to give my kitty away.
More posative, i went to the doctor this past monday for a routine checkup, and apparently the baby is doing really well, so that's always good news. ...The negative side of that is when i got on the scale. I tried not to look at the number, but i had to know what it said, and the number i swore i would NEVER EVER see was there, plus 4 lbs. I now weigh 154 lbs. It's absolutely horrifying to me, regardless of the fact that i have a child inside me. I always swore i'd never see 150, no matter what... and now it's there. I'm so ready for this child to come out so i can lose and lose and lose! Actually, i think that right now, i'm going to start being more careful about what and how much i eat. I haven't been paying much attention to it, and i really think i need to. Don't worry, i'm not going to go into psycho restrict mode, i'm just going to try to eat only healthy things in smaller quantities than i have been. I just don't want to be fat after the baby does come... I really hope she doesn't learn eating habits from me. :/
Well, this has been an insanely long post... so i think i'll save some of the other stuff i have to tell you all for the next time i post, hopefully that will be sooner than later. I love you all very much, and really do appreciate your comments and patience with all my whining and crying about stupid stuff. I LOVE YOU!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Randomness

I got all posative responses from you all on whether or not i should get the baby bump pictures taken, so i suppose that means i really should get them done. Let's just hope that whatever day i go in to have them taken isn't one of the days that i particularly feel like i'm hiddeous. I'm thinking of doing them sometime this next month. That way it's not too early, and not too late. (I seriously have this feeling that she's going to come premature. In all the dreams i have about my baby, i dream that she's premature, but with no complications at all. I take it as a sign.)
Speaking of dreams, i've been having the weirdest dreams ever! Some are just horribly violent and graphic. I dreamed about watching a bunch of pitbulls rip a man to shreds, and then the owner of the pitbulls disected and began to eat one of them. And every single bloody bit was so crystal clear... Then i dreamed about seeing an absolutely beautiful girl be completely dismembered and then beheaded, once again, perfectly bloody clear. Those kind are the ones that are the most upsetting, and i've had so many of them it's horrible. Then there's the ones that are blatantly sexual...in odd ways. I dreamed about trying to seduce my one ex that i never slept with, and i dreamed about having the time of my life with a girl whose name i didn't even know (though i never have done anything with another woman). I don't know if it's all fantasies about things that i wish i could have done in the past and never got to do or what. It's not like i'm not perfectly satisfied with Jesse and i's sex life. I honestly don't think i could do anything with anyone other than him anymore. But yeah, my dreams are really really strange here of late, and i have no idea why. Perhaps it's my out-of-whack hormones?
Those hormones are turning me into a royal bitch though! Between my hormones being all screwed up, being terribly hot all the time because there's no air conditioning where we live, stressing out about getting my own place to live, and just feeling awful because i can't move around very easily (seriously, it's difficult to stand up from sitting down!), i'm completely miserable all the time. And i guess i'm taking my own misery and trying to inflict it on others because i've noticed that i keep trying to pick fights over nothing. I don't know why! I've never done that before. I've always done the opposite, and not cared if i was miserable just as long as everyone i love was happy, but here of late, i don't even know what's up with me. I picked a fight with Jesse the other day because he was tired and fell asleep almost as soon as he got home from work, saying he didn't want to spend any time with me. Wtf? How on earth is that a reason to fight. And i keep doing things like that. Ugh! Someone fix me; i'm broken!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Thanks so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. I was so down when i wrote it, and then your comments brought me up again. You're the best. :)
I spent the 4th of July (Independance Day Holiday in the US) with my parents and my mom's side of the the family... Had a bit of a hard time even getting myself to go though, just because i feel so ugly, and i don't want anyone who hasn't already seen me in the ugly prego form to see me that way.. No one said anything that intentionally hurt me... but i did have those common "my goodness you're getting a nice belly there!" "are you sure you're not having twins; you look pretty big for just one?" and "you were always so tiny, now look at you" comments that almost any pregnant woman should be expecting. I was expecting them...but they still cut into me just because i'm having such a hard time with the way i look.
I'm not so sure if i want to go through with getting pictures of Jesse and I done while i have this belly or not. I mean, yeah, it's a unique idea and all but idk.. i'm so fuckin' ugly! What do you all think? Should i or should i not? I want brutal honesty in those opinnions!
I really do plan on getting those ultrasound pics and my baby bump pics up soon. Just bear with me; i'm slow at these things.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I feel so needy...

We've been at Jesse's friend's house since yesterday, which i really shouldn't mind. I've got wifi here, so i got caught up on all of your blogs, and i slept in a bed last night... but i'm not even half enjoying myself. Since we got here i felt like Jesse was just ignoring me, not on purpose, but because he was distracted by his friends' company (there's a bunch of other people just hanging out here too). I didn't let it get to me until about the middle of today. I just feel like any time i tried to talk to him he wasn't listening, because he only answered me half the time because his friends won't shut up long enough for me to get a word in. I feel invisible... to everyone.. And i feel like that stupid bitchy wife/girlfriend that must have her man's undivided attention all the time for feeling that way.
And there's lots of mirrors here that show me more of myself than just from the neck up. It's the first time since i've had the baby bump that i've actually seen what i look like, and i feel like i look absolutely horrible. I know i'm not fat; i know it's all baby, but I'm still huge, and it's so ugly..
On top of all of that, i've learned that apparently normal people do NOT eat three meals a day. I have not eaten anything since 7 this morning, and then i only had a really tiny breakfast. It's 6:15 in the evening now, and i have a migrane from hell (have had one since noon) because the baby is sucking any vitamins or nutrients i did have in me right out of me like a little parasite, but i don't want to just walk up to someone and be like "hey, i need food." because i'm weird about things like that. I still hate to admit that i need to eat, especially when no one else seems to need to eat. But i'm light-headed, and dizzy and feel like i'm going to be sick...because as much as i hate to say it, i DO need food. And that makes me feel like the most needy, disgusting person ever.
I'm just so miserable right now that all i want to do is hide away and cry... so i guess i should be thankful that i'm invisible to everyone... but i'm not. I feel the need to be seen at the same time as i feel the need to hide... and i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do about that.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Clothes Make The Person... No, I Really Think They Do

Omg can you believe it took me less than a week to actually make it back to the library and update?! How crazy is that? I really don't have much to update on, unfortunately... Same old boring life. I do feel a bit more comfortable in my skin today, but i think that's simply because i'm dressed in my own style instead of the style of all the hand-me-dowm maternity clothes i have to wear usually. I stole one of Jesses black band t-shirts that's kind of tight on him, so it fits me pretty well (tight-ish, but not too tight), and i did my make up the way i used to..back when i actually cared what i looked like. If you look at me from the chest up and not at the baby belly, i look very much like my old self, that weird girl that people looked at funny because of her alternative style. Kinda nice to have found something in that style that still fits me. Isn't it odd how just the style of my clothes can make me feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Does anyone else have that issue?
Unfortunately, once again, Jesse has the car which has my ultrasound picture CD in the glove compartment. :( But he does have off the next 3 days, so perhaps i'll make him drive me here to the library on one of those days and upload those pictures to show you all. I promise when i have pictures of her outside my belly, i won't take this long to upload pictures. ...I'm kind of thinking about showing you all what i look like with my baby bump too, since i've always showed you what i looked like before. But then again, i'm kinda scared to do that. It's really not the prettiest thing ever when all you want to see is skin and bones... What do you think? Should i or should i not?
Also, thanks very much to Mich for those websites with alternative style maternity clothes. I have yet to look at them, but i have a feeling that i'm going to want to buy up the entire pages... which is both a good thing and a bad thing, but i'll not complain at all. ;)
And Peri, you are just the bestest! :) I absolutely love all shades of purple, so that lavender will be fantastic. I cannot wait to see those booties!!! I'm sure they're going to be so lovely that i'll almost be afraid to wear them on her little feet... but i'll have to because i'll need to show them off! I'd love those cross stitch kits too if you're sure you don't mind giving them up. I promise to put them to use. Lol. Hmm South Africa... not quite. I live in the good old USA, but South Africa sound much more interesting. Let's just pretend i live there.
And everyone else who left me lovely comments, i don't know what i'd ever do without you. You're all amazing, and i love you bunches.
I'll leave you with this awesome quote that my one friend had on his facebook this morning, and it reminded me very much of myself, and of you all:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas A. Edison

Monday, June 27, 2011

Finally Back!

Hey everyone. Sorry i was gone for so long... i've just been so lazy lately, not wanting to walk down to the library in the heat and in clothes that don't fit me, but i finally got my ass moving, and i can now tell you all the things that i have to tell you! There's so much...
First off, i'll start with something really simple: i finally got some maternity clothes! Yay! They're all hand-me-downs from people i know, but hey, it's better than nothing. I really can't complain just because none of them are really my style considering they were all free.. Besides, finding maternity clothes in my style is impossible anyway. Do any of you happen to know any websites where i can find some alternative/punk/goth maternity clothes? I tried googling it and didn't find much. If you have better luck, let me know. I just want to buy one really cute maternity outfit because sometime soon Jesse and i are going to have our pictures done professionally while i have this baby bump. I think that should be kinda cute, and definitely unique... what do you all think?
Now, the exciting news. I found out what my baby is! AND it's a girl!!! Just like Jesse and i were both hoping. I would post the ultrasound pictures on here, but the CD that has them on it is still in the car, which of course Jesse has. But i'll try to get motivated and get down here again to post them soon. At least we're pretty sure it's a girl... she had her legs crossed being all modest. Haha. But from what we could tell, she's a she. I'm pretty excited to start buying some pink stuff now! :) We found that out exactly a week ago, and at that point the doctor told us she weighed just under 2 lbs. We got to see her little hands and feet and a 3D image of her face too. So exciting. I'm ready to see her for real now!
Oh, and by the middle of July, Jesse and i should either have our own place or have the money to get it anyway. His new job is really helping out quite a bit, and we're both selling whatever we can to try to scrape up the money. We found some places open now that we're hoping will still be open when we have the money for the security deposits... keep your fingers crossed for me!
Other than that, there's really not a whole lot going on. I spend most of my days just reading a book or working on my cross stitch--which is actually quite an addictive hobby for me. It's difficult for me to put that down once i pick it up. Good thing i've got two more to do once i finish this first one! I think i really do need to be a bit more active... It's just so difficult for me right now because i feel so enormous, and my bones are not used to supporting that extra weight, so something is always aching, especially my hip that was massively fucked up by the car accident. I mean, fortunately all the weight i have gained is in my belly and my boobies...and a teeny tiny bit on my butt, so it should all come off easily after the baby comes, but ugh i'm huge!! And being big like that makes me want to hide away and never go out, even if it is obviously pregnacy. I guess that doesn't make much sense, does it? But it's just how i feel.
Oh well, off to try to catch up on all of your lovely blogs now. Love to you all, and thank you for all the comments! They always make me smile. :) Only 3 more months until i can post pictures of my baby outside of my belly!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Brief Update

In 13 days i will know if my baby is a boy or a girl. Can't wait! Then in the beginning of October, i'll find out what my baby looks like outside of my belly. That i really really can't wait for. But thinking of popping the baby out makes me wonder, how long will it take to lose whatever weight i've put on that isn't baby, placenta, and extra water? Will it be more than a month? Especially since i'm going to be breast feeding and can't hop right back on the Ana train instantly? I'm tired of being fat... I know it's because of the baby, and i'm not considering not eating or anything else that would be harmful to the baby, but i'm just so tired of not being able to fit into my clothes.
I guess it doesn't help much that i don't have the money to buy some maternity clothes that will actually fit me, thanks to my dickhead ex boss. He's not going to easily pay my unemployment, of course since he's such a tightwad, so i've got to file an appeal and hope for the best. It's just the reason i wanted to get the unemployment was so we'd have enough money to get by until jesse starts gettin his good paychecks from his new job, and since i've got to file an appeal and wait for all of that to be processed, the unemployment really isn't going to help much with that. He's such an asshole. Seriously, you fired a pregnant woman AND her husband on the same day and you won't even cut her a break and let her collect unemployment. Be considerate for once in your life!
Sorry... I'm just so friggin' tired. I've been getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep every night on average because my body hurts so bad from sleeping on the floor, and i can't take any pain meds to help out with that. The only thing i'm allowed to take while pregnant is Tylonol, and that doesn't do a single thing when my entire lower body is screaming in pain and keeping me awake. Last night i woke jesse up because i was crying from being exhausted and hurting so much. I just don't know what to do. I already asked the doctor if they could give me anything, and they said no, but i can't take this shit!
Oh dear, my brief update is more like a long sobfest... Do forgive me, lovelies. I'll try to find the incentive to walk my lazy ass down to the library again tomorrow and give you the thinspos you requested. I love you all, and i'm beyond grateful to those of you who manage to read through all of my whiney posts. xoxo

Friday, June 3, 2011

Thinspo? Not Really... But Still Pretty

































Peridot gave me an awesome idea on my last post when i asked for thinspo requests. She told me to post pictures of pregnant celebrities. I was a bit wary at first because i really don't see how anyone can look good while pregnant, but i still googled it, and i found out that they really are still beautiful. I don't think i'm as beautiful as them... but then i don't have all that photo editing either. Lol. Thought i'd share the some of the pics i found with you all as well as a picture of my belly with jesse loving on the unborn baby (that's the first one, obviously). Maybe sometime soon i'll even get the nerve to post a picture of my baby bump where you can actually see my face.... Maybe... But thanks, Peri, for actually making me feel like i can still be pretty while prego.


Stealthy, i will do the scenespo post for you next.... You might wanna leave me a reminder though. My memory sucks. :D

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Thinspo Requests?

I'm planning on doing some thinspo posts here really soon to help inspire you all right now, and to help inspire me later on. Any requests as to thinspo themes you'd like to see?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Thank you!

Your comments are the bestest things ever! Peri, yours especially always make me smile. I love you all bunches and bunches, and i love it when you comment.
There's not a whole lot new going on right now. Same old, same old, but i figured i should put some kind of update on here because i haven't in a while. I've decided i should make it a weekly thing to update and catch up on blogs. (Hopefully more often than weekly on the catching up part!) Until the baby comes, i really have no updates on anything that i even made this blog about, so i figured i'd keep you all posted on all the fetal developments on a weekly basis. Perhaps that way i'll be less inclined to whine in all of my posts.
As far as the baby goes, i swear i've felt it kick with my hand several times! From what i've heard, i shouldn't be able to feel it kick from the outside for another couple of weeks. But it's a strong little bugger, and is constantly kicking the hell out of my insides just so i can feel it on the outside. Definitely like it's daddy. Haha.
But other than that i really have no updates... boring, i know. But i love you all, and am now off to catch up on what i've missed in your lives!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I'm still here

I suppose i'm doing alright. Nothing's much easier than it was in my last post, which is why i haven't posted in so long. My typed complaints about the same things will not make them any better, so why should i trouble all of you lovely people with reading them, especially when i have been too wrapped up in my self pity to read and comment on all of your beautiful blogs? I feel like a waste of space in this blogging community right now. I'm fat as anything... and i can't so ANYTHING to fix it right now. In fact, i'm supposed to be gaining weight. I truly despise that part of the pregnacy... I miss Ana and all of her ways so badly...
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

That's what's up.

So we moved again... cuz i couldn't take living with ryan's mom. She has some mental issues which she takes medication for, but i dont think the meds do anything at all when mixed with alcohol, which she drinks constantly. I'm crazy enough on my own, thanks; i don't need encouragement to go nutso. I cried almost every night living there. Now we're living with the people we chose to be the baby's godparents. We have no issues getting along... it's just a very tiny appartment, and i'm sick of living out of living rooms.

Oh stop your complaining, just be thankful you're not literally living out of the car. Instead you're only half living out of the car, and you know that really is better. *talking to self, don't worry, i do it all the time. it's just part of my craziness.*

No updates on the baby at the moment except i think i felt it kick yesterday. That was actually pretty cool and exciting. I'm 20 weeks now; more than halfway done. Woo! Now i just need a home for him/her when he/she comes. Oh shit, now i'm back to that rant...

Neither of us has a real job yet, and jesse's under the table deer farm job is bullshit. He hasn't worked once this week, not by his choice but because "he's not needed because of the rain." Yeah, big money making stuff there. I applied for unemployment (i think i already told you that), but haven't heard if i'm getting it or not just yet, so i'm job hunting like a mofo and getting nowhere with it. So yeah... i almost started my rant about how that's making me definitely not have a home, but i'm sure ya'll are just as sick of hearing that as i am of thinking it.

I think i'll just shut up now cuz all i do is bitch and cry about having no home. Sorry guys... I wish i was more in a good mood for you all... but i'm just not. I love you though... Leave me comments; help me through this cuz i know i can't do it on my own.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

There are Thorns on Every Rose, in This I'm Reconciled. They're Just a Little Sharper to a Melancholy Child

So more on that job thing that i REALLY don't feel like talking about... A group of us were goofing off one night and some dumbass thought it'd be awesome to take pix and post them on facebook. Good job, good job. The store owner somehow found them and fired all 7 of us right on the spot BUT he called us all in for a meeting just to tell us we were fired rather than being semi-decent about it and just telling us over the phone. Thanks for wasting gas money we definitely don't have now, asshole!
So jesse and i are both jobless, and of course that means we can't afford to get that appartment--or any for that matter.. We can't even afford to pay the rent to live at the shithole we were living at before. Thank god for ryan and his mom. They're letting us live with them for free because otherwise we'd be living out of the car. Their couch is just so uncomfy it's ridiculous, but i guess i really shouldn't be bitching. At least i've got a place to live, right?
I'm just so afraid i'm not going to be able to get a job because i am pregnant and lots of people won't hire you if they know you're pregnant... And then i'm afraid that we won't be able to afford our own place and i'll be raising my child out of people's living rooms. If that's the case, i'd have to consider adoption or something, and i DON"T want to do that... Grr.
Therefore i have hit a depression and have been sitting around sulking and crying for the past 3 days. Jesse says that makes him feel awful, but how the fuck am i supposed to help that?! So yeah. That's what's up with my life. Ain't it lovely?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

And right after i posted my last update... jesse and i both got fired. FUCK MY LIFE!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Untitled

I never get to post anymore! I miss you all so much it's ridiculous. I've been living out of a friend's living room for the past week, and there's no internet access up there. So once again, i'm at Wendy's just to write to you all.

I believe i've caught cold.. that or alergies are acting up something awful, and there's next to nothing that i can take for any of that, so my head is in a fog and i feel like i can't breathe. So if this post makes no sense, that's why. That's also why this post is going to be so short...because i feel so shittastic. Grr.

Anyway, not much new. Living out of Ryan's living room....his couch is rather uncomfortable, and his mom is rather psycho, but it's whatever. At least we're more welcome there than where we were living. We found an appartment that we will find out today for sure if we're approved for. I pray that we are... kind of. I don't know if we can really afford it because work is shitting on me.

They're practically demoting me for the sole reason that i'm pregnant. Not straight up demoting me, but telling me to demote myself because apparently i can't handle it in their mind. I don't know what to do. If i don't step down i know they're gonna pick apart my every move until they can demote me themselves which will look even worse on a job application. I don't think my work skills have changed at all except that one breakdown in the past. Nothing else has happened! I hate it. It adds to all the excess stress.

But yeah.. that's really all i have to say.. Too tired to figure out what else is new. Love you guys bunches.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Looooooong update

Wow. I know i haven't updated in forever, but the internet connection is down at the shit-hole i'm living in. I've got so much to tell you all... i don't even know where to begin! I guess i'll just go through it day by day..

First off, on Monday i went to the doctor and got all the results of bloodwork back, and everything is good there. No complications with the pregnacy, and the baby is healthy. Yay! But then after the doctor appointment, Jesse and i met up with my parents to get our mail that was sent to their house. They bought us lunch at the food court in the mall where we met them, and it was all good. We were talking and getting along quite well, but then i saw my ex..the one who cheated on me the entire two years we were together and was mildly abusive. I crossed my fingers that he hadn't seen me, but he did. He didn't say anything, but he stared at me and circled the food court a bunch of times. Then he went and hid behind a stand like a little girl and flipped me off. We left shortly after that, and i thought nothing of it. But wait, there's more to come on that subject.

Then nothing much happened until Wednesday when i went to hang out with one of my close friends, who is also Jesse's ex. Crazy, huh? But we all get along quite well and he's friends with her as well, so it works out. Anyway, Amber and i decided to go to Wendys (where Jesse and i work) mainly to see Jesse, but also to get her some food. Jesse went on break and we were all sitting at a table talking when my ex showed up there too! How on earth he figured out where i work, i'll never know, but it really did scare me because it felt as if he was following me. He sat at a table right next to us and stared at me with some sort of smirk. We left after Jesse's break was over, and once again, i tried to think nothing of my ex's appearance.

On Thursday, Jesse and i went to hang out with a girl i work with and her girlfriend. We were all hanging out, talking away, paying absolutely no attention to the movie we had rented, and having a good time. These two girls are on fairly good terms with the people we are living with... Let's just say that they can get some stuff that the people we live with enjoy having and leave it at that... But as we were talking, the one girl told us that she had talked with the girl we are living with and was told that she was "sick of our bullshit" and "ready to kick us out". What did we ever do to her?! We keep to ourselves and make sure not to bother them at all. Now i hate living there even more than before.. I was thankful for the warning though... But now, i don't know if it's all in my head or not, but i do feel some sort of odd tension in the house between us and them. Jesse said this morning that he feels it too though. Anyway, i'm beyond ready to get out of there now. In fact, we've been staying out till 4 am most nights, just to keep out of the place. I'm getting less sleep because of it, but i kind of feel like it's worth that.

Then Friday--you're going to laugh at this--Jesse was one of the male dancers at a local club. It was "girls night" at the club, so they had mostly male dancers, all of which were local. Oh lovies, he was so sexy i just wanted to rape him on the stage! Lol. But we both had so much fun with it, and now he says he's going to do it every month since it's a once a month thing. I thought i'd feel awkward having the other guys and girls dance on me, but i really had so much fun. We both had a completely awesome time.

Saturday, however, just sucked all around. One person called off work on my shift, and another didn't call and didn't show up on my shift. I was down two people who were supposed to close, could find no one to come in and cover those shifts, and it was quite busy, so none of the regular, pre-closing stuff got done before we locked the doors. It was awful, and then on top of all of that, my ex showed up at Wendys AGAIN! What the hell? He stared at me and did that stupid smirk the whole time, and it terrified me. There's no reason for him to show up at my work twice in one week. He lives an hour away from where i work, and if he really loves Wendys food that much, there are at least 3 Wendys restaurants closer to his house, so i swear, he's following me... and it absolutely terrifies me... I get the chills and shakes so bad any time i see his face. Usually, it'd be whatever if he decided to smack me around like he used to, but now i have a baby inside me to worry about and be careful with! Not that i really think he'd be dumb enough to do it in a public place... but i guess it's just past memories that makes me think he might. I don't know what to do about it! I called Jesse and begged and pleaded and got him to come into work to help me stop my breakdown, and help us close the store. I'm so glad that man loves me so much...

I adore you all for reading this far on my rambly ramblings, so i'll spare you the pain of reading more and shut up now. I love you all! I promise to do my best to catch up on your blogs and keep mine more updated in the very near future. xoxo!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Untitled

I really have nothing to say... Just pray that i don't spaz out at work again today because i'm already feeling stressed and sad before i even walk through the door..

I'm thinking about finding a psychiatrist and seeing if that will help me out at all, but i don't even know if i can afford to pay them. Anti-depressants would be nice though... Are they safe for pregnant women to take?

I'm sorry about all this negativity, loves... I really will try to improve my mood--and my posts--soon. But right now, i just don't have the energy to try all of that. I still love you all and all of your comments though. Help me through this like you always have! ...i need you.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0

Yepp... That's right. I've had two fucking breakdowns in the past two days. The first one wasn't so bad because i was at the shithole (aka the place i'm living) by myself, and i was able to hide it. The second one, however was at work and almost got me suspended, which i CANNOT afford. I totally overreacted... but it was stressing me out to an insane level, and i didn't even know what i was doing as i did it... I guess i should elaborate on this second breakdown a bit instead of making you all just wonder what my psycho ass did, huh?

I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.

Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...

Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.

Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.

I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.

Friday, April 22, 2011

so...




I went appartment hunting yesterday and found absolutely no open appartments. Fuck my life. I cannot live in this house as long as it's going to take me to find an appartment!








Today Jesse went upstairs to cut a pineapple we bought a few days ago so we could eat it, and the above picture is what he found in the kitchen. He came back downstairs with the uncut pineapple in hand and kicked a random shoe all the way across the room. "There's not an inch of clean space, and not a single clean dish or piece of silverware up there," he said, adding several curses, so i went up and looked for myself. Obviously, he was right.








"Let's leave right now and we'll get something from Perkins before i have to go into work," he suggested, slightly calmer than before.








So i got dressed and straightened my hair, and we got in the car. On the way to the restaurant, i said, "We're never buying food to take back to that house again. There's no point in it. We can eat out until we get our own place, and as long as we're careful, we shouldn't spend too much more money or put on too much more weight."








He nodded. "Makes sense."








"I still feel homeless," i told him.








"I know what you mean. We have a place to live, but it has none of the comforts a home should have." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it without taking his eyes from the rainy roads. "I promise we'll have a place soon," he said, "one way or another."








I really hope he's right...


**Edit. Oh and might i add, i'm doing their fucking laundry so i can do my own because they always leave a load in the dryer and in the washer, so i've got to dry two of their loads before i can begin my own. If the laundromat wasn't so expensive, i'd just say fuck it and go there instead, but i'm not made of money.... gahhhh!


Sorry about the mood swings, guys and gals... I'll blame it on the pregnacy..

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Mood Swings

I have waaaaaay too many mood swings at this point. Shortly after i wrote that happy post, i found out that my phone bill was almost $50 more than usual and i started crying like an idiot and feeling like we'll never be able to afford our own place. Why does this world revolve around money?! Why does my happiness revolve around money?! Unfortunately, the pouty, nothing-is-ever- gonna-get-better mood has stuck with me. So maybe i don't have enough mood swings? I'd be ok with a bunch of negative to posative swings. And poor Jesse asked me this morning why i'm always so mean to him. Dammit, i don't try to be, and it's not like he always does something to deserve my snappiness. Surely i can't blame all this stupid crankiness on the baby inside me.

Monday, April 18, 2011

It's looking up a bit

Well, well, well, i'm going appartment hunting very soon now. It's exciting and scary both at the same time. I'm just tired of living in this house where there's always trash and toys all over the floor that no one ever cleans up. The kitchen is a horror story as well. The ant infested sink is filled up with moldy dishes that no one ever washes. Jesse and i have cleaned up these messes many times only to find them just as bad the very next day. After so many days of cleaning up someone else's messes just to have them come back, it's hard to see a point in cleaning them up at all. We clean up after ourselves now, but that's it. And the rest is disgusting. Ana would have a hayday with a kitchen like that if i'd let her. I can't handle that. So fuck it; i'm not saving up as much as i wanted to. My entire savings account might be depleted just by the security deposit and first month's rent when i do find an appartment, but i don't care! I'd sell my soul to have my own place at this point, and now that dream is gonna come true. Yay! I'll definitely keep you all updated on how all of that goes. Oh, and Jesse is going to finally get a better paying job. His one friend's uncle owns some sort of lumber company that pays it's employees $12 an hour and guarantees them a 40 hour week, so he's going to try to get into that, and his friend said he'll help him. If that doesn't work, he's going through a job hunting agency and asking them to call him for jobs that pay $10 or more per hour. Hopefully he gets something very very soon. We can definitely use that sort of help. I feel as if things are sort of looking up right now... well, not right now, but in the very near future. And for once, i'm not down in the dumps even though i just paid all the bills and all but killed my checking account until we get paid again. Keep your fingers crossed that i stay that way; i kind of enjoy being optimistic.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Pain and Questions

The one girl i know was talking to me the other day about her pregnacy. She said that through her entire pregnacy, she was a waitress on her feet all day, and then she didn't have a car so she walked to and from work every day. All i could say was wow. I don't know how anyone could do that, and i really wish i did know because really the only thing I've got up on her is that i have a car. I'm usually working 5 or 6 days a week for 8 hours each day. In a fast food place, there is no sitting down on the job. In fact, the store owner doesn't even allow us to have chairs behind the "employees only" door at all. Tomorrow i'm scheduled to work a 9 hour shift.... and i really don't know how i'm going to do it. I'm not sure if it's just the way everyone's body feels through pregnacy, or maybe mine hurts so much because i fucked it up with Ana, or maybe i'm just a whiny little bitch, but i came home yesterday from an 8 hour shift and ended up doing my damndest not to cry because i hurt so much. My feet and ankles were swollen and throbbing, and when the throbbing calmed down, it felt like i'd just twisted both of my ankles quite badly. Both of my hips are acting up too. My right hip i blame on the car accident that happened last april and really screwed it up (sliced the muscle all the way to the bone; i had to take physical therapy to even walk again.), but i don't know what the hell is up with the left one. Jesse tried to make it better and massage them, and he said that the muscles are extremely tight. I guess it's just from the extra weight i'm holding right now, and putting that stress onto my legs all day? Then how do fat people do it?! I'm so ready for this baby to come out and to get this painful baby weight off! But the whole point of this whiny post was to ask you all, do you have any suggestions on how to help my feet and legs not hurt so much? I know a few of you have been through pregnacy yourselves, so what did you all do to make them not hurt? Should they be bothering me this much already or is something wrong that it's this bad already? I'm really worried that i'm gonna have to go on maternity leave much, much earlier than i had planned on, which is gonna hurt my pay a whole bunch. Any suggestions or ideas will be awesome. Love you all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Lyrics that make me think of myself and you all

Perfectly flawed by Otep If you do this; if you do this... If you do this you'll never have a chance to try again; If you do this you'll never have a chance to try... It's the same sound, same sting; The same collapse of everything. It's the same slice, same blade; The same lie, same ol' vein. My weight, my face, My height, my race.... I'm a mistake. My weight, my face, My height, my race... I'm such a disgrace. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Let them condemn. Imperfections make you unique. Nothing left to lose, just try again; Nothing left to lose, just try again... It's the same doubt, the same dream; It's the same sabotage 'cause i'm the enemy. It's the same night, same day; It's the same parasite, feeding on the betrayed. My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm a mistake... My weight, my face, My height, my race; I'm such a disgrace... You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique. A disguise of self-deception Hides my secrets perfectly. I'm rejecting my reflection 'Cause i hate the way it judges me. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. Don't you do it; You're not even you yet. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. Like cracks in the glass, And faded photographs. You're perfectly flawed; You're perfectly incomplete. A work in progress, Imperfections make you unique.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ultrasound pics!






I was going to upload the videos because the thumb sucking is muc more obvious in those, but blogger is being a meanie and not letting me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Baby News

I went to the hospital yesterday and had an ultrasound done. I've got a CD of pictures a videos from that, which i'll try to figure out how to upload in a little bit to show you all, but it was pretty exciting. In one of the pictures, the baby is clearly sucking it's thumb! I'm three weeks farther along than the doctor originally thought, so as of today, i'm exactly 15 weeks (one week away from 4 months!), and my due date is actually October 4. I'm kind of happy about that... Mostly because i swore i was farther along than the doctor said and i just got proved right. Haha. But then again, i'm kind of disappointed. I liked the idea of my baby being born the end of October and possibly having a Halloween baby. It doesn't really matter that much though; we're going to love it a ridiculous amount whenever it's born. Oh, and in about 5 weeks, i'll get another ultrasound done to find out the gender! Jesse's extremely excited about that; i guess i'm excited too, but i kind of do like not knowing. I feel like i should find out though, so i can buy stuff ahead of time, and tell people what color to get for the baby shower. Definitely don't want all yellow and green! But there's the update on all that exciting stuff. **To anonymous, actually, i do find it rude. You're picking apart my life knowing almost nothing about it. 1. My "boyfriend" is my husband. If you actually were following me like you say you are, you should know that. 2. When we first got together, he went to meet my parents sans makeup and did nothing wrong in that meeting, but my dad simply looked at him and decided he didn't like him. 3. My parents asked me to abstain from life in general, not drugs (which i've never done), sex and alcohol alone. 4. He is definitely not leaving me. Sometimes i can actually believe him when he says he loves me more than i love him (as awful as that might be.) 5. Leave your name when you comment and perhaps then i'd find it slightly less rude.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sometimes....

It feels like i'm not getting anywhere in my life. Look at me: i'm nothing, nobody, getting nowhere. Just you're typical white trash that ran away from home and got knocked up before she could afford it. I don't have my own home; i can barely pay what bills we do have; certainly can't afford food on a regular basis (good in Ana's eyes, but what about my family?!). But it's not like i don't work. I work my ass off all the time. My job just doesn't pay me shit for my trouble. I don't know... sometimes it feels pointless to even try to make it somewhere.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Don't Care What you Think as Long as it's About Me













Thinspo post time... basicly because i have nothing exciting to share.


Friday, April 8, 2011

Versatile Blogger Award

Bella has nominated me for versatile blogger award. :) Because she's amazing like that. Thank you so much, dearie. The rules are 1) thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift. Thank you thank you thank you thank you, Bella! I'm putting a link to your website on here, so hopefully you can get more followers too. 2) share seven things about yourself. *I'm a 20 year old want-to-be model from Pennsylvania. I went to school for modeling and graduated at the top of my class, but never made it any farther than that in the industry. I'm pretty sure i screwed myself over with that by getting a giant tattoo and then even more so by getting pregnant, but then again, there are alternative modeling agencys that go for the tattoos and things like that. Plus, the stretch marks i'm going to be getting just might fade into oblivion if i'm lucky. (Hey, i can still hope, right?) *So instead of modeling, i'm working in the fast food industry at Wendy's right now. It's not the best option, but it's really the only option i had. Jobs are hard to find around here. At least i got promoted to a management positon, right? I don't know.... I think management sucks even more, but it's only temporary. At least that's what i keep telling myself. *Another job dream of mine is to be a writer. I've always dreamed of writing a novel and getting it published since i was a kid. In fact, i've started several stories, but then i get distracted and never finish them. Even the ones i do finish once, i feel the need to go over time and time again to make sure they're absolutely perfect, and i've never got the guts to go to a publisher with one of the finished products that i still feel is unfinished and not good enough. *Enough of job talk! I've always dreamed and played little kid games of finding that one person i am meant to be with. I never thought i'd actually get that lucky in reality, but i did! Jesse is the perfect person for me. We started out as best friends and then realized that we should be together; we've barely been apart since that. We've been together for a little over a year, and married for a little over 6 months of that year. Many people told us we rushed into it too fast, but neither of us has even slightly regretted it. *And now i'm going to have his baby! It's a frightening and exciting feeling, but it ties in with the dream i've always had of finding my soulmate. I always dreamed of building a family and a life together once i did find that person, so now we've started doin just that. Once again, perhaps we are rushing into it too fast, but neither of us regrets this decision at all either. *A random little fact about me is that i absolutely love tattoos and piercings and alternative style clothing. Anything dark and unique is absolutely beautiful to me. *And last but not least, i have an eating disorder. I'm sure you've already figured that out (and a lot of the other things about me that i just told you) by reading this blog. It's not anorexia, it's not bulimia, it's EDNOS. I guess it tends a bit more on the side of BDD combined with extremely mild anorexia. But the eating disorder has always been a huge part of my life. I can honestly never remember being without it, so i chose to embrace it and begin this blog, which i've been keeping for approximately 2 years. 3)Bestow this honor onto ten newly discovered or followed bloggers--in no particular order--who are fantastic in some way *Ophelia from A Head Full of Beauty *Lina from Flushed *Peridot from Glue and Pieces *Blake from Ana's Arms *Mich from Sick B*tch *Hanz from A Spoonful of Empty Space *Pokerface from pokerface *Savory Sweet from Savory & Sick *Stick Thin from Stick Thin and *Yum from Yummy Secrets - A ProAna Blog 4) drop in and let your ten friends know you admire them. So i'm off to do that right now. Love to everyone. (Don't think i love you any less because you're not listed here.)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I wasn't gone for too long, was i?

Thank you for all your lovely comments on everything. You all are darlings. Oh, and, Danni, i'm not hating on you, but you've definitely got some of my followers hating on you since i posted your comments; go ahead and read some of their comments about you and your comments if you're strong enough (or think you are anyway). Guess what! I went to the doctor two days ago and i heard the baby's heartbeat! Jesse was in the room with me and he got the biggest smile on his face as soon as we heard it. I'm sure my smile was just as big, but his was just absolutely lovely to me. My goodness, i have a living being inside me!!! I really did want to break the doctor's finger off though. Like, seriously, why the hell is it necessary to ram your finger up my vagina to try to feel...i don't even know what he was trying to feel! Anyone know? Please do tell me. Also, tell me how to deal with that, because for some reason it's really really apalling and bothersome to me. Anyway.... Sorry i didn't post for the past couple days. I've been working my ass off. I don't think i got 8 hours of sleep in the past 3 days combined (ok, slight exaggeration, but only slight). Not good for the baby, i know, but there's really no way of fixing it; i think whoever does the schedule at work is trying their damndest to kill me. Seriously, close the store (which means get home around 2 am) and then get up at 8 am to be at a 9 am manager meeting the next morning, close again that night, and then get up at 5 am to take my serve-safe test, which i get back from around 8 pm! HOLY HELL! I'm so tired it's ridiculous. I think i passed the test though. But last night it was impossible for me to sleep for some reason. All i wanted to do was lie in bed and cry my eyes out, which is exactly what i did. The crazy thing is, i have no clue what i was crying about, and it was some rather hysterical crying. Jesse got less sleep than me the two nights before that, so he was too tired to even wake up when i started my stupid sobbing, which i actually think is a good thing considering i had no reason to tell him. But it's whatever, i made it through work today somehow, and now i'm back to catch up on what's new with you all. So i'm going to quit my random rambles and go read up on all your lovely blogs. Love yous!!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Finally Wedding Pix!



















Well, looky here; someone was finally able to upload her wedding pictures to her blog. Horray! We were married on August 24 2010 for those who don't remember. And here's my favorites of the pictures we got from that tiny little wedding. You can see the pretty waterfall we were married on, the few brave souls who actually came to our wedding, my sneakers that i wore during my wedding (hey, i was afraid of breaking my neck otherwise, don't judge), and the bride and groom's happy smiles.


Please do read and comment this and the other post i did today. Love your comments.