Friday, July 15, 2011

More Randomness

It's been a while, hasn't it? My vow to myself to keep caught up on blogging and try to get some exercise by walking to the library every single day has been horribly dishonored... mainly because i'm just so friggin' lazy. The weather has been pretty indecisive for the past week as well though, and i didn't want to walk in the rain or in the 100 degree heat, but when the weather was fine, my body was far from it. My feet and ankles have been swelling up again for no apparent reason seeing as i'm really not on them all that much, and i'm not eating a lot of salty foods or anything else that should make it that way... Perhaps i should have told the doctor about it. Is it important somehow? Also, i think the fact that my lung was collapsed a little over a year ago is a very bad thing for me now that i've got the baby pushing on my lungs all the time. It doesn't take much of anything for me to get out of breath. The other night, just lying in bed i felt as if i couldn't breathe and was pushing invisible hands away from my face. I guess i should probably tell the doctor about that too, huh? I've been having a lot of headaches as well, and have wanted to do nothing but sleep all day and go to bed early in the evening. Then last night--in the middle of making love (which is a bit awkward now... i'll update you more on that in a minute)--i got a nosebleed out of nowhere. What is going on with my stupid body? It needs to quit doing weird things to me like this!
Anyway, about the awkward love-making. It's kind of an issue for Jesse and i now. I mean, it's hard enough to do anything when you're living in someone else's living room, but there are times when we have the privacy to do things, so he wants to...and i really just don't. It's odd for me; i used to be a complete sex addict, but now, i don't even want to think about it. A few days ago, Jesse asked me, with a hurt look on his face "Do you not like making love to me anymore?"
I responded, "Of course i still do... We just live in a living room, and never know when someone will walk in."
"Do you find me unattractive now?" he asked.
"No! You're still gorgeous, hunny!"
"Then why do you always push me away when i touch you?"
The only thing i could think to say was an unsatisfying, "I don't know."
I feel really bad about that exchange... but i just don't know how to tell him that making love doesn't feel good when i can't hardly move because there's too much of me, and all i can think about is how disgusting i must look naked, and i know he has to agree with me on that because the last several times (warning: tmi about to come) we did anything, he made no attempt at taking my shirt off, which has never happened before. I also didn't take my shirt off, and he didn't complain about that like he used to... I don't know. Maybe i'm just being stupid and overthinking things... I'll stop telling you all about my sex life now.
On the posative side of things, we finally have the money saved up to begin looking for our own place, and we made several calls to places that were listed in the newspaper yesterday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the 3 bedroom trailer that only costs $450 a month, including everything except electric. The lady we talked to about it said that the outside isn't that great, but the inside is "in decent condition". I'm kind of worried to see how crappy it looks, but at the same time, if it's just in need of some minor fix-ups i'm more than willing to go with that, and take care of the fix-ups it needs. We're planning on going to look at it this weekend, and if we want it, i've got the cash for the security deposit and first month's rent to just hand to her then and there to hope that she'll give it to us right away with that sort of a bribe. I just like the idea that it doesn't cost very much, so we'll still be able to save up to actually buy rather than rent a place to live. Plus it's one of two places that actually allows pets, and i really don't want to give my kitty away.
More posative, i went to the doctor this past monday for a routine checkup, and apparently the baby is doing really well, so that's always good news. ...The negative side of that is when i got on the scale. I tried not to look at the number, but i had to know what it said, and the number i swore i would NEVER EVER see was there, plus 4 lbs. I now weigh 154 lbs. It's absolutely horrifying to me, regardless of the fact that i have a child inside me. I always swore i'd never see 150, no matter what... and now it's there. I'm so ready for this child to come out so i can lose and lose and lose! Actually, i think that right now, i'm going to start being more careful about what and how much i eat. I haven't been paying much attention to it, and i really think i need to. Don't worry, i'm not going to go into psycho restrict mode, i'm just going to try to eat only healthy things in smaller quantities than i have been. I just don't want to be fat after the baby does come... I really hope she doesn't learn eating habits from me. :/
Well, this has been an insanely long post... so i think i'll save some of the other stuff i have to tell you all for the next time i post, hopefully that will be sooner than later. I love you all very much, and really do appreciate your comments and patience with all my whining and crying about stupid stuff. I LOVE YOU!


  1. Maybe he's leaving your shirt on because he hopes it will help you feel more comfortable with your body? If he's wanting to make love, he clearly still finds you attractive :) There's a girl who posts vids on YouTube under the name LaurenLiveJournal. She was quite severely eating disordered and has a year or two in recovery, and just had a baby. You might get in touch with her, or just check out her vids, for some some support on the preggers & ED issue.

  2. you're on a crazy hormone journey, it's totally normal for your desire levels to fluctuate. don't worry, it's not gone forever. and feeling bad about how you look is just the worst thing for your libido anyway. maybe he left your shirt on because he's uncertain about how to make you comfortable? it's hard, but try to connect about how you're both feeling instead of guessing what the other person wants or thinks. being honest about how your pregnancy is affecting your own relationship to sex will make it easier for him not to take it personally. and i'm sure you look adorable!

  3. Hiya, ive been reading your blog for a while now but have only just found the courage to actually leave a comment, i just wanted to say your a very brave women who should be very proud of herself and everything you have achieved, look after yourself and congratulations on your pregnancy , and thankyou for your inspiring words x x good look x x

  4. Sweetie,

    don't worry about the weight!! Although sticking to healthy stuff is always fine, please, just don't obsess about the weight! Think about in in kilograms if it helps, the number will be much lower!

    As for you and Jesse, in first place I'm sure things will be so much better once you get your own place! Also, he probably doesn't bother with getting you naked because of the living-room arrangement?
    Anyway, he would probably feel less rejected and more loved if you explained him how you feel physically an mentally right now..

    I love you lots and I'm really keeping fingers crossed for you about getting your own place!


  5. hi, I am a doctor (yes, who reads your blog, and I felt moved to comment, because I think you should see your doctor as soon as possible if you are having headaches, swollen ankles and bleeding - you could have a condition called pre-eclampsia, which can sometimes come with low platelets (causing bleeding), in a condition called HELLP. Please respond to this comment if you want me to give you any more information but PLEASE SEE YOUR DOCTOR to get your blood pressure and urine checked (for protein) as this can be a really harmful condition for you and your baby. Please, please don't ignore this. xx

  6. Please do not restrict while you are expecting. Stress and your cortisol responses while carrying and in it's early years program your babies brain for life.
    Please try eat healthy and if your body tells you it needs something listen.
    Love to you and your Bub

  7. The swelling-for-no-reason can be a sign of Bad Things. Get it checked, ok?

    Blimey, tell your midwife about the lung before your due date (When is that, btw?) so she can have any precautions needed for the birth all set up :) (May only need a bottle of oxygen next to the laughing gas, but its better to be safe than sorry!)

    Love you soso much <3

  8. hope the trailer works out be sure to take prenatal vitamins, at least folate, lots of moms dont. dont worry if u eat healthy, lots of raw fruits veggies and nuts you should lose the weight fast, especially from breast feeding :)