Friday, July 31, 2009

Bitter Tears

Ana put a comforting hand on my shoulder as i sat in my car and watched the rain. Lunch break was always so very long and boring, and i had nothing to do but sit and think about how fat i was as i pinched the blubber that still resided on my stomach. "Why won't it go away?" i asked her. "i can see my ribs, but my stomach still has this damn fat-layer on it. I don't get it."
"It's only when you raise your arms that you can see your ribs," Ana reminded. "That may be progress, but it's only small progress. The fat will leave once you've listened to me long enough to see big progress."
"Ugh. How long?" I really wanted results, and i wanted them now!
"That's up to you."
"Only you can decide how far you're willing to go, how little you're willing to eat, how much you're willing to exercise."
"I'm willing to do anything," I muttered. "I just want results!" Being thin seemed so much more important than anything else, even more important than life itself.
The cows started lumbering by. It was almost time to go back to work. As they walked along, i stared at them. I could see enormous rib-cages without difficulty. "Holy crap, Ana," i whispered. "I'm fatter than the cows!"
Ana only nodded, being the supportive, loving personality that she was. "Yeah, kinda."
So i finished up work, and when i got home, i promptly binged away my sorrows of being fat, as if it really made sense to do so. Half a loaf of white bread magically jumped first into the toaster and then into my mouth, and then a container of yogurt followed the bread in its journey to my stomach, all of this after i'd already eaten my salad for dinner. I screamed for Mia.
She came. "Use your toothbrush instead of your fingers this time," she encouraged once i was next to the toilet. "You can do it."
I accepted the toothbrush from her hand and stuffed it down my throat. Nothing, not even a gag. I looked up at her, my eyes begging her to give me further instruction, to tell me i was doing it wrong, to tell me how to make it work.
"Wiggle it around until you find the right spot," she suggested, blowing her horrid breath in my face to try to help me.
I obeyed, finally finding the spot that made me gag. I held the handle of the brush there for what seemed like hours, gagging, but unable to get anything up. "I can't do it," i whimpered, tears and sweat matting the hair i hadn't bothered to pull out of my face.
"Keep trying," Mia said. "How's your stomach feel?"
"Like i could throw up... But i know i can't."
"You're getting there."
I went back to wiggling the toothbrush and gagging. Finally i coughed up a teaspoon of whiteness--the beginning of the yogurt!
"That's it, hunny!" Mia shrieked. "Keep it up."
I tried. I tried so hard, but it didn't work; i could not, for the life of me, get anything else to come up. At last, i turned my bloodshot eyes to Ana, who was standing by just observing the whole thing. "I'm so sorry," i murmured. "So very, very sorry."
She just shook her head and turned her back to me. I looked to Mia, trying to find support somewhere, but she just handed me a piece of toilet paper for my runny nose, said "better luck next time" and joined Ana. I stared at their backs, tears streaming down my face. I had failed them both. AGAIN.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Day 3 of ABC, Altered

I awoke, yawned, stretched, and jumped straight from my bed into my workout clothes. "Let's go!" i said enthusiastically when Ana appeared in my room and helped me wrap a cloth bandage around my achy leg.
She laughed. "Good morning, sunshine."
I giggled giddily. "Fast day!"
She nodded. "And i'm so impressed that you had the initiative to break the ABC in a good way this time."
I still loved her praise more than anything. Her words "i'm so impressed..." rang in my head, over the music of my iPod as i struggled through my workout and carefully disposed of my breakfast without taking a single bite.
My resolve did not waver throughout the day. In fact, despite the fact that i was surrounded by my friends stuffing their faces with grease-covered burgers and salt-drenched fries, i did not even feel the longing to eat.
"Please, jo, just eat one fry," Antony begged me for some unknown reason.
But i just wrinkled up my nose, said "Ugh no, i really can't," and reveled in the feeling of Ana's arms surrounding me.
I did not eat, and all was well.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Intermission: Picture of me

Here's a quick picture of me. I was thrilled with it because you can kind of see my collarbone. I guess i am making progress after all! Yay!

Does anyone want to join me for a fast day tomorrow? I really want to fast (even though it's not on the ABC schedule) and it'd be so much easier if i had others doing it with me to give me support. Just let me know.

I love you all so very much.

ABC Day 2

"I eatin' chicken nuggets!" the 2-year-old my mom was babysitting announced proudly. I looked away and ignored her. So she decided that it would be best to scream. I looked over at her. She smiled and stuffed a chubby, ketchup-covered hand into her mouth. "I eatin' chicken nuggets," she repeated through a mouthful.
"Good for you," was all i could say. I turned to Ana. "I will burn in hell for this... but that kid does not need chicken nuggets. She has a double chin."
Ana only laughed.
"I'm serious. Her thighs are really big too." I knew that what i was saying was cruel and wrong on so many levels; the kid was only 2! But i really couldn't help it. It was just what i thought. "Maybe she'll lose it; maybe it's just baby fat," i murmured, trying to be kinder and feeling bad about being so mean. It didn't last long. "But she'll never lose it, baby fat or not, if all she eats is chicken nuggets like she does now."
Ana laughed again. "Your'e wicked... but you're starting to think like me." She winked at me. "I like it."
I smiled. I wasn't particularly sure that i liked thinking like Ana, but i did know that i loved her praise.
I glanced over at my cell phone, which was vibrating with a new text. I didn't want to talk to anyone; i wanted to become a recluse with no one for company except Ana, the pro-ana people who followed my blog, and the boy who made me feel beautiful and OK about myself. I reached for my phone wearily, flipped it open, read over the text quickly. It wasn't Timmy, so i ignored it. "There's something wrong with me, Ana," i said. "I never want to talk to any one anymore."
She waved her skeletal hand dismissively. "That's only bbecause your'e sick of people telling you lies."
I nodded. She had a good point. People were always telling me that i was thin, that i should eat, that i needed more food than i ate in order to live, that i exercised too much. All lies. And Ana was right; i was sick of being lied to. "You never lie to me," i said, smiling at her.
"Of course i don't, sweetie," she answered. "I never lie, and i always love." Then, for the first time since my miserable binge, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her.
It felt so good; i wanted her to never let me go.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Second Beginning: ABC Day 1

My thighs rubbed together at the very top, something i noticed more now that it was summer and i was hot and sticky with sweat. I lifted up my dress to glare down at the fat, white, round things that had the nerve to still be so big, as if glaring at them would shrink them into submission. It didn't. Tears welled in my eyes as i looked at the subtle stretch marks on the inside of my upper legs, the result of a lack of control. "So fat..." i murmured in self-pity.
"Well you wouldn't be if you'd just obeyed me from the very beginning. It won't all just disappear because you finally obey me for one day," Ana told me. "Now stop your sulking. You have a work-out to get through."
"I didn't know you were there, listening to me," i told her with a sigh.
"I'm always listening to you; i'm always right here with you."
I nodded. How stupid i was to have forgotten. "I'm going to obey you tomorrow too, you know?" i said in an attempt to please her.
An attempt that failed miserably. "You'd better! And you'd better do the same the day after, and the day after, and the day after for the rest of your life." She paused and sneered at me. "Otherwise, you'll be fat, fat, FAT forever."
I didn't like how cruel Ana was being. I took it upon myself to say so. "I liked it much better when we were getting along," i stated simply.
She laughed bitterly. "Believe me, sweetie, so did i... But it seems this is the only way you'll learn that you can't rebel against me, that you can't lose me."
I'd best start behaving again; no cause to make her more angry with me than she already was. I wiped the foolish tears from my cheeks and got ready for my evening work-out.

Monday, July 27, 2009


"Please, please, please," i begged my body. "Please, just throw up!" But it wouldn't, and i couldn't make it. "Mia!" i screamed, though she was standing right there. "You have to make this work!"
"What on earth do you want me to do?" Mia asked.
"Tell me how to make that God-damned food come back up," i sobbed. "Just help me."
"I haven't any idea. You're the one who put it in there. Why can't you get it back out?"
"I don't know." I leaned my head on the side of the toilet bowl. "I wish i did." I raised my head slowly and stuffed the first two fingers on my right hand down my throat for the millionth time. A little gag... nothing else. Why wouldn't this work? My stomach hurt; i felt sick; i wanted to puke. So why couldn't i?"
"Because you're weak." The sound of Ana's voice brought a curse to my lips. "Leave us, Mia."
Mia kissed my hot forehead, her rotten breath blowing in my face as she did so. It almost made me retch... but i couldn't be so lucky as that. "I'll see you later, hunny," she whispered and left me to face Ana's wrath alone.
It had been such a good day until roughly half an hour ago. I had been fasting, not even so much as wishing for a bite of anything. I'd even made cookies without allowing so much as a granule of sugar to slip between my lips. Then the binge monster came out and slapped me around, making me ravenous. I ate anything and everything i could find.
"5 cookies?!" Ana shouted at me. "Seriously, Jo, 5?! What the hell? No one--not even a gluttonous hog--eats that much!"
I just hung my head. I couldn't very well argue; it was true.
"Oh, and that was just the beginning of it. What all did you eat, dammit? Tell me!"
"I don't even know," i admitted.
She made a disgusted sound in the back of her throat. "I'm nice for one day, give you a break for one freakin' day, and this is how you repay me? You ungrateful bitch!"
"I'm sorry, Ana. I'll fix it. I'll do better. I promise." I was barely able to get the words out between hiccups and sobs.
"Well, you'd better," she spat, "because there's no saving you if you don't. Obviously, you can't even be turned over to Mia. You're starting the ABC over again tomorrow, and this time, NO BREAKS!" She paused, a cruel smile curling across her lips. "No breaks, or you'll have to be broken."
I put my head down on the toilet seat and sobbed, and this time, Ana did not comfort me. I'd have to either prove that i deserved her comfort or never be wrapped in her beautiful, bony arms again.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Day of Rest

I sat nervously glancing around my Sunday School classroom, hoping no one but me could see Ana's skeletal figure in the chair next to me, her hand on my shoulder. There were 7 girls (not including Ana and myself) in the class. 3 were overweight, 2 average, and 2 painfully thin. I turned in disgust from the overweight and average girls and let my gaze rest on the skinny ones, counting how many bones i could see, imagining how their ribs must show. That must be such a beautiful sight. Wasn't i supposed to be learning about God? Instead i was obsessing over bodies. This had to be some sort of sin.
The lesson, however, held a point of interest to me. It was the ancient, over-used story of Adam and Eve and the fall of mankind. As many times as i'd heard the story, this one time, it held something new. FOOD had been the downfall of mankind, his first failure, his first sin.*
Ana took my notebook and quickly scribbled down:
Food was man's first downfall (Adam and Eve in Eden), and it continues to be just that: a downfall, a weakness, and an unreasonable sin.
"Hang that up on your wall," she whispered to me.
I nodded. How fascinating that no one had ever mentioned it quite that way before. Obviously it was the truth. Why had no one seen it before me?...
Later that day, as i sat pondering this new and interesting venue and fussing with my belly button ring, Ana came and sat next to me. i felt like a bloated hippopotamus beside her. She'd given me a break-day from the ABC. I was allowed to have 1500 Calories today, and i'd had every last one of them (but not over, thank goodness). "How do you feel?" she asked.
"Fat," i whispered the abominable word, then quickly changed the subject. "I think this is starting to get infected." I pointed at my new piercing, which was a bit sorer than it had been yesterday and now had a little pink at the top. "I don't know why. I've been cleaning it like crazy."
"If you'd be stronger and stop eating, it wouldn't hurt," Ana mocked.
Some crazy part of me believed her. "I'll fast tomorrow instead of eating the Calories i can for the ABC," i told her.
"Excellent. That ought to fix it."
I shouldn't have believed her; i knew better than to think food was infecting my piercing. The piercing was on the outside of my tummy, the food inside. But i did believer her; i always believed her. Ana would never lie to me.

*Further reading on this subject can be found in the Bible, in Genesis 3.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Failure and Reform

"What are you doing?!"
I blushed down at the bowl of ice cream in my hands. "I don't know," i admitted. "Just let me finish it, please, Ana. Then i won't eat anything else, i promise."
"Hell, no!" And she snatched it away from me. "What were you thinking? You've already had your 200 Calories for today, and this--" She pulled the carton out of the freezer and read the nutrition facts label on it-- "is over 200 Calories all by itself!"
I hung my head. "I know," i said. "Its just... i got so tired. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of being hungry. Tired of feeling tired..."
"What? Are you weak?" Ana snarled.
"No," i answered her, though my mind screamed at me that i was, in fact, very very weak.
"Then shape up and prove it."
I nodded. "I will." And then, for no apparent reason, i burst into tears. "Damn PMS," i sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Ana."
"Yes, well we'll have to fix it tomorrow. Now quit your crying, and go for a run."
I should have known better than to eat; i should have known better than to think Ana would let me. I should have known better than to think she would take pity on me; i should have known better than to hope for a day of rest. But, in reality, it all was my fault. I was just a screwed-up, hormonal, fat-ass mess. "Fix me, Ana," i whispered.
"I will, sweetie," she assured me, dumping the soupy, disgusting slop that was all that remained of my ice cream. "I will."

Friday, July 24, 2009

ABC Day 5

"I can't do it, Ana. My mom's going to know what we're up to for sure." Today was supposed to be a 100 Calorie day, but Mom knew that i hated to eat, and she knew when i didn't eat much. Today would be impossible to get through without being questioned.
"Not if we do it the sneaky way," Ana replied with a wink. "Go get a huge bowl of oatmeal, take a couple bites out where she can see you, and then bring it back here."
"We're going to get rid of it then?" i asked.
She nodded slyly. "Of course, silly."
"You'll help me, won't you? I don't know if i can get rid of something i just started eating."
She nodded again. "Yes, but only if you absolutely need it. I want you to try it on your own first, show yourself how strong you are."
"I'm not strong at all," i admitted.
"Oh, that's what you think. Now go on."
I obediently went out to the kitchen and filled a bowl with an insane amount of oatmeal. I'd never seriously consider eating that much. It was awful just to look at how much was in the bowl. "I'm really hungry this morning," i told my mom through a bite. It certainly wasn't a lie. I took two more bites. Then i disappeared into my room with Ana.
She shoved the trash can at me. "Dump it," she commanded.
It was much easier than i'd thought. The sight and sound of the food plopping away into the trash rather disgusted me. Was that how it would sound going into my stomach? Eww! I had no idea how i could ever have considered eating it. I waited exactly 15 minutes before i returned the bowl to the kitchen and claimed the only thing that would get me through the day: my beloved black coffee.
Ana chuckled softly at the sight of me cupping my mug in my hands and holding it so close to me that you would have thought it was worth millions. "You really are quite addicted to that stuff, aren't you?"
"No more addicted than i am to you," i shot back.
"True," she said approvingly. "Very very true... Treadmill?"
I smiled. "Another addiction. Certainly. Just let me finish my coffee."
And just as Ana had said, the day went by perfectly. She helped me, and in return, i pleased her and did not exceed my Calorie limit. All was well.

Intermission #2: To All my Lovely Followers

All of you fabulous people who follow me, i just want to say thank you soo very very much. Without you all, i would not have half the determination i have now. You are all my thinspirations, and i have fallen deeply and irrevocably in love with the whole lot of you. So thank you for your amazing support, and for all the beautiful comments you give me all the time. They really do make my day.
Stay strong, everyone. You have helped me to do so.
Much much love. <3

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Little Bit of Bone

"Wow. Ana, come look at this!"
She stepped into my room and came over to where i stood in front of the mirror. "Ooooh, is that...?"
I smiled proudly and nodded. "Ribcage, baby!"
Ana frowned skeptically. "Only when you raise your arms though."
"But that's a huge improvement over 4 days ago," i insisted. I wasn't going to let her criticism squash my excitement. "And it's bones! I can see bones!"
She laughed. "All right, all right," she consented. "I suppose it is an excellent thing."
"And look at my hands; they're thinner. Don't you think?"
"Hmm, don't get too cocky now," she warned.
"But look! That bone sort of pokes up out t of my wrist. It never did before."
"Ok, sure, you're losing, but take a side view of yourself in this mirror."
I bit my lip hard but obeyed. My stomach still disappointed me, even though it was gurgling. My butt and thighs were still too big. My arms, huge. My good mood? Gone in a flash. "I'm not skinny..." i murmured sadly.
Ana patted my fatty shoulder. "Not yet."
Through all my disappointment, i found a way to smile. Her words were meant as a promise. I would be skinny eventually. Right now i just had to keep on carefully following her rules. I turned around and hugged her bony body close to me. "Don't ever leave me, Ana."
And she made me a second promise: "I won't."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Inspirational Piercing

"How the hell am i going to eat only 300 Calories today?" i murmured to myself.
"Well, first off, take it easy on the coffee. It'll give you the shakes, drinking that much at once with no food."
I was on my fourth cup--black, of course, so as to have next to no Calories. "Hey, back off the coffee drinking habit, Ana," i said irritably. "I've got to stay awake somehow today... since you kept me up all night."
Ana shook her head and laughed. "Oh no, sweetie, that was all your own doing. Your mind kept wandering; i just gave you some ideas to keep you busy."
"And awake." I'd spent the night looking at thinspo pictures, reading blogs, brainstorming, and doing basicly anything but sleeping, but most of what i'd done had been Ana-related. Fortunately, that had kept me from eating anything. I usually binged hard-core when i pulled an all nighter like that. This morning i was dead tired though; i needed tons of caffiene if i was to avoid food all day.
"Oh, hush now. Let's not quarrel," Ana said cheerily. "Besides, i did give you a lovely idea, didn't i? Are you going to?"
I smiled. Ana was so nice to be around when i was pleasing her. Last night, she'd suggusted that i get my belly button pierced, and i truly loved the idea. There were so many reasons to do it, some for me, and some for Ana: A) i wanted a piercing so bad, one that i could easily hide from my parents, B) also i needed to get in a bit of rebellion, i was tired of feeling stepped on by my parents (and secretly Ana), C) thinspiration, no one wants to see a beautiful piece of jewelry embedded in flab, D) i wanted to reward myself for doing so well thus far with the ABC... The list just kept going on. "I think i will," i answered Ana. "I don't see why not."
"Yay!" Ana clapped her hands, almost reminding me of the less-mature Mia for a moment. "Excited for it?" she asked.
"Way excited," i laughed.
"Good. Me too."
She held my hand when i got the piercing done at the little tattoo shop, and whispered to me that i could have a tattoo when i was thinner. That was huge inspiration, not to mention the chubby guy that pierced my skin, who made an excellent reverse thinspo. Later that night Ana helped me clean the piercing before i went to bed. We'd had an excellent day together, no quarrels and no binges, not even any temptations to binge. "You did great today, sweetie," she whispered as i drifted off to sleep in her arms. I smiled through my sleepiness. I loved to make her happy, loved it more than anything else in the world.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Struggle and Success

My legs screamed at me that they did not want to run, but Ana still took my hand and led me to the treadmill. "Ana, do i really have to run tonight? My legs hurt. Isn't it enough that i did 30 minutes of strength training and stayed under my Calorie limit today?"
Ana laughed, a pretty sound, despite it's cruelty. "No, silly girl. Of course it's not enough; it's never enough."
"But i even scrubbed down the entire kitchen today. I haven't just been sitting around. Besides, i'm hungry already; that'll get worse if i run."
"Hunger is good, sweetheart," Ana insisted.
I lowered my voice and admitted, "I'm afraid i'll binge."
"Because you've run? Oh please, Jo, don't be ridiculous. If anything, the run will make sure you're not binging because you'll be busy."
"My legs hurt," i murmured, just loud enough for her to hear.
Her face became stern, as did her voice. "Don't argue with me, and don't get pouty." She pointed an accusing finger in my face. "You said you wanted my help, and i'm giving it to you. So stop complaining and run. Do you not want to be skinny anymore, or what?"
"I do... I'm sorry. I'm just being lazy."
"My point exactly. Now, let's go. Don't let me down now."
"OK." I cranked up the speed on the treadmill and tried to drown out the screaming of my legs with music from my iPod. I would prove myself. I would be strong.
And i would NOT let Ana down again.

Monday, July 20, 2009

ABC Day 1

I opened my eyes, yawned and stretched. My hand brushed against bone. "Oh, Ana," i gasped. "You frightened me." I rolled over onto my side to see her lying next to me.
She laughed. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I just felt like i needed to sleep next to you, be close to you. Mia was hard on you last night... and so was i."
I nodded, remembering how angry Ana had been with my binge and how frustrated Mia had been when i couldn't make myself throw up.
"But it's all going to be better, starting today!" Ana said optimisticly. "You've got a ton of supporters on your blog, and you've got me to push you along. You'll do splendidly with ABC."
I smiled and nodded again. "Yes. I will." I got out of bed and went straight to the computer to read the encouraging comments left by my blog followers. Everyone was so amazing; they all believed in me so much, maybe even more than i believed in me. And i loved them all for it. I forced down a little bit of oatmeal as i read, hoping it would keep me from food for the rest of the day. "Hey, Ana?" i called, and she appeared in the doorway. "Shall we go work out together?"
A surprised smile lit up her thin face. "Of course."
So we did, Ana tirelessly counting reps as i not-so-tirelessly completed them. "You can stop now," Ana allowed after 30 minutes of sweatyness. "But you'll still have to do 30 minutes of treadmill time later this evening."
"Sounds good to me," i groaned and collapsed onto my pink yoga mat, tired but satisfied with my strength.
Ana stayed close to me the rest of the day, constantly reminding me not to eat, that i was a fat cow. I obeyed and managed to finish off the day, family dinner and all, with only 410 Calories.
"I'm impressed," Ana admitted. "You're doing better than i expected."
I smiled smugly. I had proven myself to her for at least one day. "Treadmill?" i asked eagerly.
"You're just full of surprises today, aren't you?" she laughed. "Let's go."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Ana Boot Camp Plan

Ana pointed me to Kat's blog. "There's the list of what you have to do for me," she said determinedly. Then she gently kissed my forehead. "Stay strong, sweetie. I know you can do it."
Day 1: 500 calories
Day 2: 500 calories
Day 3: 300 calories
Day 4: 400 calories
Day 5: 100 calories
Day 6: 200 calories
Day 7: 300 calories
Day 8: 400 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: fast
Day 11: 150 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 400 calories
Day 14: 350 calories
Day 15: 250 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: fast
Day 18: 200 calories
Day 19: 100 calories
Day 20: fast
Day 21: 300 calories
Day 22: 250 calories
Day 23: 200 calories
Day 24: 150 calories
Day 25: 100 calories
Day 26: 50 calories
Day 27: 100 calories
Day 28: 200 calories
Day 29: 200 calories
Day 30: 300 calories
Day 31: 800
Day 32: fast
Day 33: 250 calories
Day 34: 350 calories
Day 35: 450 calories
Day 36: fast
Day 37: 500 calories
Day 38: 450 calories
Day 39: 400 calories
Day 40: 350 calories
Day 41: 300 calories
Day 42: 250 calories
Day 43: 200 calories
Day 44: 200 calories
Day 45: 250 calories
Day 46: 200 calories
Day 47: 300 calories
Day 48: 200 calories
Day 49: 150 calories
Day 50: fast

Screw up: Ana's Wrath

My stomach ached because it was stuffed too full... "Dammit," I murmured. I'd promised to start Ana Boot Camp (ABC) today. Obviously, I hadn't.
"You can't even stick to anything for a single freaking day, can you?" Ana asked angrily.
"I can. I will! I'll start tomorrow, I swear it, Ana." Her fury scared me so much; i couldn't have her leave me. "Just give me another chance."
Her fist smashed against the wall right next to my head. "How do you expect me to keep giving you chances when all you do is blow them?" she hissed.
I began to shake. I had never seen her quite this angry before. "Ana, please. I didn't mean to... I just messed up. I'm so sorry. I won't let it happen again. I'll start the ABC tomorrow, and i won't fail."
"You'd better not. This is your last chance. Don't fucking eat anything else tonight or you'll be with done with me and stuck with Mia."
I heard Mia's giddy school-girl laugh as she danced into the room to stand next to Ana. "You may want me tonight anyway," she giggled. "I love to be wanted."
I shook my head. "No, not now, Mia." She folded her arms across her chest and changed her smile into a heart-melting pout. "OK, maybe. Just hang on." Then I focused on Ana. "I won't eat anything, i swear."
"Yeah, whatever. I've heard that line from you before, Jo."
"But this time i mean it. No more messing up."
She snorted in disbelief. "Yeah sure." Then her head snapped around and her eyes locked onto mine. "Prove it," she challenged. "Show me you deserve me."
I nodded and squared my shoulders. "I will."
Then Ana was gone. Mia was staring at me hopefully. I sighed. "Mia?"
She smiled her huge, rotten toothed smile. "Yes, hunny?"
"Shall we?" i asked. I wasn't much for puking; i'd only ever tried it once and hadn't been too successful. I hated it, but I couldn't seem to turn her down tonight.
"Oh yes!" she giggled. "Yes, yes, yes."
And we went into the bathroom together to try to empty my stomach. I wanted to be clean for tomorrow, to show Ana i deserved her, and i wanted to make Mia happy, if only for one night. "Well... here goes," i murmured and lowered my head over the toilet.
Mia held my hair away from my face and whispered encouragements in my ear as i tortured myself and cried, hoping beyond hope that this would somehow fix everything.

Intermission in the story

Just a quick note to say thanks so much to pokerface for answering my comment and featuring me in a post! I feel like someone is finally listening to me. Your support is absolutely amazing. I think i've changed the settings so it'll be easier for you all to follow me now. Stay strong, beauties! I'll post more to my story later tonight.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

She Never Gives Up

One binge day had turned into four, and i had given up on Ana. In return, she had given up on me. I'd felt so bad when she left, tears running down her impossibly thin face, but it still hadn't made me put down the stupid ice cream. I told myself i would get her back today, but i was afraid of what she would say when i called her name. My stupid pride...
"I never really left you, you know," a familiar voice murmured, and its owner visualized in front of me.
"Oh, Ana, I..."
"Hush." She didn't say it harshly, but her voice was saturated with hurt.
I hung my head. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, i know, and you should be." She paused, sizing me up (quite literally) with her eyes. "That shirt makes you look fat."
"Everything does."
She rifled through my closet and pulled out an over-sized t-shirt. "Try this."
I obediently took off the shirt i was wearing and pulled the one she handed me over my head. "Will you help me again, Ana?" i pleaded.
She raised her eyebrows. "Are you willing to be helped?"
I nodded. "Please. I'm so sorry."
She sighed. I would have thought it was a weary sigh, but i knew better. Ana was never tired. "OK. Where's your food journal, and what are the damages from this morning's breakfast?"
I dug through the pile of clothes that lay next to my bed. "Here," i said, handing her the battered notebook that had been neglected for far too long. "And only 100 Calories from oatmeal."
"Good. Write it down." She handed the notebook back to me.
I looked down at the page. She'd written the date and today's maximum Calorie amount (400) at the top. I took the pencil she held out to me and scribbled down what i'd eaten at breakfast.
"Now listen to me." Ana took my chin in her hand and made me look into her hungry eyes. "Are you listening."
I nodded slowly, almost afraid to speak. Ana could be so... menacing sometimes.
"No matter what anyone tells you, you are not too thin--EVER. You are not thin enough; you are not good enough. People who tell you that you are are liars. Only i tell you the truth."
Tears filled my eyes; her words were cruel.
"Don't cry." Her voice softened. "It's all because i love you, and i want to make you better. You know that, don't you?"
I nodded again. "I know," i choked, but couldn't keep my tears reigned in. "I'm sorry, Ana. I do want your help."
"I know, i know. It's OK," she crooned, taking me into her arms. I rested my head on her bony shoulder, and she stroked my hair. "I'm here now, and i'm not going anywhere. I'll make it all OK, sweetie. I'll make you skinny."
I smiled. That was all i wanted.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ana Returns

"Miss me?"
"Holy hell, yes! Please don't ever take the day off again, no matter how much i beg." I fell into Ana's open arms. "I ate so much crap... now look at me!"
Yesterday had been Ana's day off. I'd begged and pleaded with her to give me just one day to eat whatever i wanted, and she'd reluctantly agreed. And i'd eaten... I'd eaten everything in sight. I could almost feel my body expanding as i ate, my arms and thighs ballooning out around my bloated stomach, but it didn't stop me. I'd just eaten, and it was still affecting me today. I was bloated from the intense binge that had been all day yesterday, and i was having extreme sugar cravings.
Ana handed me an apple. "Natural sweetness, negative calories."
"Thanks." I bit into it. "Look at me, Ana. I'm a huge mess from just one day!" A tear slipped down my cheek, but Ana brushed it away.
"That's why you need me," she said. "I'll fix you up, but you gotta listen to me, OK?"
I nodded.
Ana smiled and wound the bracelet we'd made together around my wrist-- a braid of red string that told the world i belonged to her and reminded me the same thing. "Good," she said. "I found a killer-hard workout yesterday. Want to try it?"
I nodded again. "OK, lets go." I tossed my apple core in the trash. Surprisingly it had helped me... But then i saw the peanut butter.
"Hey!" Ana snapped, catching my hand that was now holding the jar. "500 Calories is your max. today. Do NOT go over." There was a warning in her voice.
I set it down with a sigh. "OK. Let's go work out."
"Now that's better," she laughed, her voice light again. And we headed for the door.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mia's Visit

I stood in front of the mirror, still not happy with what i was seeing.
"Laxatives would fix u," an almost familliar voice singsonged in my ear.
"Mia?" I spun around. "What are you doing here?"
"Tempting you." She smiled, her rotting teeth showing, but she was beautiful; she was thin. "We used to talk every once in a while, Jo. Remember?"
I nodded. "But you turned me over to Ana because i couldn't make myself throw up."
It was her turn to nod. "Yes, but i still wanna check up on you every once in a while." She kissed my cheek. "How have you been?"
"Good." I choked on the sickening sweet smell of her rotten breath. "Ana's got me on a short leash, but that's a good thing. I haven't had a binge in 4 or 5 days."
"Oh goody!" Mia clapped her skeletal hands together. "I'm so glad it's working for you, hun."
"Me too," i smiled. "I even had to ask Ana to help me tighten that corset-dress that was too tight on me last week."
"Don't let it go to your head, hunny, but it does show," Mia giggled, sounding like a giddy little schoolgirl. (Ana always had seemed so much more mature than Mia.)
A huge smile broke my face. Ana and Mia never gave compliments, especially on looks. "Really? Oh wow, you don't know how much that means to me."
"Yes, i do," she kept giggling. "I know your thoughts, remember?"
I had to join her light hearted laughter. "Oh, right."
"Keep up the good work," she told me and patted my shoulder. "I'll keep checking on you from time to time. If you ever need me, just give a holler." She turned to leave. "Oh, and tell Ana i said hi," she added.
"Will do. Bye, Mia."
"Bye, hunny. Do a punishing workout for me!" Then she was gone.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Ana's Day Off

I woke up in the middle of the night, shocked and afraid. "Please tell me that was just a dream," i thought. I couldn't really have eaten all that could i? I took a careful inventory of everything: turkey with gravy (370 Calories), mashed potatoes with butter and gravy (320), ice cream (260), two poptarts (400). "Dammit..." i muttered and reached for the knife i kept on my dresser.
"Hey, take it easy on yourself," i heard Ana saying. Then she flipped on the light, blinding me for a few painful seconds. "It was just a dream; i made sure you didn't eat anything in your sleep either."
"Oh," i sighed and began to laugh.
Ana joined my nearly hysterical laughter and took the knife from my hand. "Quite a nightmare, huh?"
"Yeah... really bad binge." I couldn't tell her more, couldn't bear to admit to all of those dream Calories.
"I know."
I blinked, and not from the light this time. "What do you mean you know?" i asked her.
"I gave you the dream, sweetie. To remind you not to go overboard on my day off."
I nodded, remembering she'd agreed to give me a day to not worry about Calories or starvation, but that dream had given me a glimpse of what might happen. "Ana, i... i don't think i want you to take the day off anymore."
She smiled, her thin face looking exceptionally beautiful to me. "I was so hoping you'd feel that way. Shall we discuss meal plans?"
I nodded eagerly.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Day Three: Ana's Praise

I collapsed onto my bed, more to get away from the kitchen than anything else, but i really was tired too. Ana sat down next to me and ran her bony hand up and down my spine--the spine she was going to make me able to see! "You're doing great, sweetie," she told me.
I grinned over at her. "Am i really?"
"Duh," she laughed. "I'd never lie to you."
"Good point." Ana always told the truth, even when it hurt. That's how she had gotten me to follow her, by telling me the truth about my body. "So today was crazy," i said. "I can't believe so many people go through life thinking they need food. I mean, i worked my butt off today, all on only 75 Calories from breakfast."
And i really had worked my butt off: 5 1/2 hours of farm work. It was Ana's idea; she'd told me to get a job that involved a lot of physical labor. I'd gone from there and chosen a farm. Today was my first day working, and i'd spent it learning the true meaning of physical labor. I'd toted two 5-gallon buckets (one for each hand) full of cheese around for what seemed like forever, my arms screaming at me to stop. When i finally did stop that, i was busy carrying 50 pound bags of grain, and then i'd milked the cows and cleaned up afterward. "It's just as good as going to the gym, don't you think?" Y'vonne, the girl i was working with, had joked. I agreed with a bitter smile; i knew Ana would have me on the treadmill tonight anyway. Not that it was a bad thing; Ana always knows best.
"That's exactly what i've been trying to tell you," Ana said, bringing me out of my musings. "Food isn't really necessary, but i guess you just had to experience it to understand." She smiled at me as she picked up my food journal and read over the day's entry. "300 Calories and a shit-ton of work. Not bad, not bad at all."
Then she said four words that made me want to dance. "I'm proud of you."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Day Two: I Need Ana

I stood in front of the mirror. "This sucks," i muttered to myself. "I suck."
"You're not fat," my dad had told me only hours before, but standing here, looking at my reflection in the giant mirror in my room, i really couldn't believe that he'd meant it. My thighs were touching up at the very top (how disgusting!), and my arms were entirely too thick also, like those tubes of Pillsbury biscuit dough, all soft and white and wobbly. I turned to get a sideways view of myself and groaned softly. Last night's little binge and this morning's bowl of cornflakes showed themselves in my stomach, trying to bulge their way out of my sweatpants. My butt... lets not even go there, and leave my hips alone too. The only thing small enough was my breasts, and it still would be ok with me if they'd shrink a little bit once everything else was smaller. I was fat; forget what dad had said. There was no way he could possibly have meant it.
"Ana!" i screamed. "Ana, i need you."
Just like that, she was at my side. "I'm here, sweetie." She took my hand and squeezed it lovingly. Entwined in her tiny, bony fingers, my hand looked like a huge fat gorilla paw, and yet somehow, she was the strong one. "It's OK," she said as if she'd read my mind. "I'll help you."
I smiled at her. "I know."
She returned the smile. "I love you, Jo," she reminded.
"I love you too," i answered. And i meant it!
"Good," she said, setting my iPod on the speaker system i had for it. "I'm going to help you. 500 Calories is the max today."
I scribbled that down in my food journal as the opening bars of a Rascal Flatts song began to play.
"Listen to the words," Ana told me. I did.

*"You feel like a candle in a hurricane,
Just like a picture with a broken frame,
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight,
But you'll be alright;
You'll be alright.
Cause when push comes to shove,
You taste what you're made of.
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up,
Decide you've had enough.
You get mad; you get strong;
Wipe your hands; shake it off.
Then you stand......
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race,
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place......"
*Rascal Flatts: Stand

The song ended, and Ana turned of the iPod and speakers. "Now, lets get you to the gym."
I smiled and nodded.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Beginning: Ana's Love

"Ana, please don't be angry with me," I begged. "I know it was stupid and selfish of me, but... look, I'll share it with you."
I held out a spoonful of ice cream to her, but she recoiled as if it would hurt her, a look of disgust on her pretty face. "You ought to know me better than that by now, Josefine," she almost snarled. "I won't touch that crap, and neither should you."
"I know," i muttered. "It just looked so good and tempting sitting there in the freezer, and i couldn't--"
She cut me off. "Just shut up and listen to me." Tears filled her eyes. "You promised!"
I hung my head; she had a point. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I had promised... and then i'd failed her. My mental calorie counter clicked away. I'd promised her 400 Calories today, and this made 800. "Ana," i began, but then fell silent. There was nothing i could say. The bowl was empty now, my rebellion complete, and yet somehow I CRAVED MORE!
"Don't even think about it," Ana warned me, but my mutinous hands reached for the bag of "fun size" candy bars. (Ironic that something so dangerous should have the word "fun" in the name.) A Snickers bar made its way out of its wrapper and into my mouth. "You're such a lying bitch," Ana sputtered angrily.
But that only forced me to put another chocolate bar into my mouth as i whimpered, "Please don't say that."
"Why not?" she snapped, knocking the bag of candy out of my hand. She stuffed it into the trash can i kept next to my bed. "We both know it's true." My stomach ached from the harshness of her words--and the truth in them. I was so very sorry; i wanted to take it all back. "Come on, Jo, you've got to do better."
"I know," i said sullenly. "I'm sorry, Ana."
"Sorry? You're sorry?!" She laughed bitterly. "Great, Jo, just great. Because sorry can totally get rid of the Calories you just shoveled in. Because sorry can totally help you get rid of that pudge around your stomach. Damn, you're just so worthless. All i want to do is help you, make you skinny and happy. But all you want to do is fight me. How can i help someone who won't listen to me?"
Tears coursed down my cheeks. "I'll change; i'll do better," i vowed.
"well, you'd better." The Sharp features of her bony face made her seem so menacing as she said, "If you do this again, i just might have to turn you over to Mia."
I choked, sho shocked that i stoped crying. "Oh no, please dont," i begged. "I'm not strong enough for Mia... and Mia... Mia KILLS!"
Ana smiled almost kindly. "So do I sweetheart." She wiped a tear from my chin. "But it's all for your own good." She kissed my cheek. "Don't eat anything else tonight, OK? I really do love you."
And then she was gone, leaving me alone to deal with my failure and the candy that i couldn't even bear to look at anymore.

Just for starters....

If you're reading this blog and you are not pro ana or are against pro ana, please leave and do not read any further. Also if you are trying to recover from any eating disorder, this is not the place for you. This site is for those who know about and support or want to know more about in order to support anorexia as a lifestlye. If that's not you, please go away. Not to be rude, I just made this for my fellow pro ana people to help them and thats who i want reading it. No one else.

Now for those of you who don't know the "lingo" of eating disorders:
Ana= anorexia nervosa
Mia= bulimia nervosa
Coe= compulsive overeating disorder
Ednos= eating disorder not otherwise specified
ED= eating disorder
MiAna= having both anorexia and bulimia
Thinspiration= a collection of pictures of thin people used to inspire one with an ED.

Also, before you start thinking i'm totally crazy, all my "conversations" with Ana are completely fictional. I don't actually sit around and talk to Ana... often. The conversational format is only for the sake of making it more story-like.

And now I'll begin my story.