I sat nervously glancing around my Sunday School classroom, hoping no one but me could see Ana's skeletal figure in the chair next to me, her hand on my shoulder. There were 7 girls (not including Ana and myself) in the class. 3 were overweight, 2 average, and 2 painfully thin. I turned in disgust from the overweight and average girls and let my gaze rest on the skinny ones, counting how many bones i could see, imagining how their ribs must show. That must be such a beautiful sight. Wasn't i supposed to be learning about God? Instead i was obsessing over bodies. This had to be some sort of sin.
The lesson, however, held a point of interest to me. It was the ancient, over-used story of Adam and Eve and the fall of mankind. As many times as i'd heard the story, this one time, it held something new. FOOD had been the downfall of mankind, his first failure, his first sin.*
Ana took my notebook and quickly scribbled down:
Food was man's first downfall (Adam and Eve in Eden), and it continues to be just that: a downfall, a weakness, and an unreasonable sin.
"Hang that up on your wall," she whispered to me.
I nodded. How fascinating that no one had ever mentioned it quite that way before. Obviously it was the truth. Why had no one seen it before me?...
Later that day, as i sat pondering this new and interesting venue and fussing with my belly button ring, Ana came and sat next to me. i felt like a bloated hippopotamus beside her. She'd given me a break-day from the ABC. I was allowed to have 1500 Calories today, and i'd had every last one of them (but not over, thank goodness). "How do you feel?" she asked.
"Fat," i whispered the abominable word, then quickly changed the subject. "I think this is starting to get infected." I pointed at my new piercing, which was a bit sorer than it had been yesterday and now had a little pink at the top. "I don't know why. I've been cleaning it like crazy."
"If you'd be stronger and stop eating, it wouldn't hurt," Ana mocked.
Some crazy part of me believed her. "I'll fast tomorrow instead of eating the Calories i can for the ABC," i told her.
"Excellent. That ought to fix it."
I shouldn't have believed her; i knew better than to think food was infecting my piercing. The piercing was on the outside of my tummy, the food inside. But i did believer her; i always believed her. Ana would never lie to me.
*Further reading on this subject can be found in the Bible, in Genesis 3.
You are a very poetic writer. I like it!
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting how so many can find a friend in "Ana" when they speak of her she is so wispy (for lack of a better word) and yet she is so knowing.
At worst, she's a frienemy.
I've never really considered myself to be "ana" although in retrospect it does look like it but when you are bulimic you KNOW. So many are and yet nobody talks about "Mia", she's the skeleton in the closet. The secret friend you don't want anybody to know about and be associated with...
I digress.
I like the whole "mans first sin was food". New way of looking at it. And often times fasting is a religious thing. I've always found this to be strange but interesting.
XO
F...l..u.s.h..e...d
I've never thought of the apple of sin in such a way before ; )
ReplyDeleteAnd I completely relate on the whole blaming everything on food thing. I know I'm convinced that most of my problems are caused by my weights even though "logically" they have no connection.
I really do love reading your blog. I relate to it so well so it's kind of like reading a story about my thoughts, but with just different events....? I don't know if that made any sense ; )
Stay strong <3 I'm fasting too! So tomorrow we'll be fasting together
: D Yay!
Im terrible when theres only a few skinny people in the room - i tend to stare..
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your fast tomorrow!
x
I do the exact same thing with making stuff while fasting! haha! That's so funny you do it too. I'm telling you, we think exactly the same ana wise ; D
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're doing well on your fast too! <3
Stay strong <3
This is amazing, i'm not just saying it, you should write a book.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the bit about adam and eve is so true, i cant believe i didn't realise it before.
Good luck x
Your writing skills strike me as being similar to marya hornbacher. I was about to say you should write a book -- but Katherine James beat me to it!
ReplyDeleteWow.. I never thought of it that way.
ReplyDeleteYou are so creative girl. <3
I agree, you should write a book. You have a very special way of writing.
As I've many times wished that food would just go away entirely, I can totally wrap my brain around the idea of food as original sin. Great analogy.
ReplyDeleteAnd take care of that navel ring. That can be a right nasty mess if it gets infected.