"I eatin' chicken nuggets!" the 2-year-old my mom was babysitting announced proudly. I looked away and ignored her. So she decided that it would be best to scream. I looked over at her. She smiled and stuffed a chubby, ketchup-covered hand into her mouth. "I eatin' chicken nuggets," she repeated through a mouthful.
"Good for you," was all i could say. I turned to Ana. "I will burn in hell for this... but that kid does not need chicken nuggets. She has a double chin."
Ana only laughed.
"I'm serious. Her thighs are really big too." I knew that what i was saying was cruel and wrong on so many levels; the kid was only 2! But i really couldn't help it. It was just what i thought. "Maybe she'll lose it; maybe it's just baby fat," i murmured, trying to be kinder and feeling bad about being so mean. It didn't last long. "But she'll never lose it, baby fat or not, if all she eats is chicken nuggets like she does now."
Ana laughed again. "Your'e wicked... but you're starting to think like me." She winked at me. "I like it."
I smiled. I wasn't particularly sure that i liked thinking like Ana, but i did know that i loved her praise.
I glanced over at my cell phone, which was vibrating with a new text. I didn't want to talk to anyone; i wanted to become a recluse with no one for company except Ana, the pro-ana people who followed my blog, and the boy who made me feel beautiful and OK about myself. I reached for my phone wearily, flipped it open, read over the text quickly. It wasn't Timmy, so i ignored it. "There's something wrong with me, Ana," i said. "I never want to talk to any one anymore."
She waved her skeletal hand dismissively. "That's only bbecause your'e sick of people telling you lies."
I nodded. She had a good point. People were always telling me that i was thin, that i should eat, that i needed more food than i ate in order to live, that i exercised too much. All lies. And Ana was right; i was sick of being lied to. "You never lie to me," i said, smiling at her.
"Of course i don't, sweetie," she answered. "I never lie, and i always love." Then, for the first time since my miserable binge, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her.
It felt so good; i wanted her to never let me go.