Wednesday, July 29, 2009

ABC Day 2

"I eatin' chicken nuggets!" the 2-year-old my mom was babysitting announced proudly. I looked away and ignored her. So she decided that it would be best to scream. I looked over at her. She smiled and stuffed a chubby, ketchup-covered hand into her mouth. "I eatin' chicken nuggets," she repeated through a mouthful.
"Good for you," was all i could say. I turned to Ana. "I will burn in hell for this... but that kid does not need chicken nuggets. She has a double chin."
Ana only laughed.
"I'm serious. Her thighs are really big too." I knew that what i was saying was cruel and wrong on so many levels; the kid was only 2! But i really couldn't help it. It was just what i thought. "Maybe she'll lose it; maybe it's just baby fat," i murmured, trying to be kinder and feeling bad about being so mean. It didn't last long. "But she'll never lose it, baby fat or not, if all she eats is chicken nuggets like she does now."
Ana laughed again. "Your'e wicked... but you're starting to think like me." She winked at me. "I like it."
I smiled. I wasn't particularly sure that i liked thinking like Ana, but i did know that i loved her praise.
I glanced over at my cell phone, which was vibrating with a new text. I didn't want to talk to anyone; i wanted to become a recluse with no one for company except Ana, the pro-ana people who followed my blog, and the boy who made me feel beautiful and OK about myself. I reached for my phone wearily, flipped it open, read over the text quickly. It wasn't Timmy, so i ignored it. "There's something wrong with me, Ana," i said. "I never want to talk to any one anymore."
She waved her skeletal hand dismissively. "That's only bbecause your'e sick of people telling you lies."
I nodded. She had a good point. People were always telling me that i was thin, that i should eat, that i needed more food than i ate in order to live, that i exercised too much. All lies. And Ana was right; i was sick of being lied to. "You never lie to me," i said, smiling at her.
"Of course i don't, sweetie," she answered. "I never lie, and i always love." Then, for the first time since my miserable binge, she wrapped her arms around me and held me close to her.
It felt so good; i wanted her to never let me go.


  1. I know what you're saying about how you're becoming more aware of people's weights and it making you feel like a bitch : / I'm the same way now. Like the girl L I'm living with. I call her fat when most would just call her average, but I think I'm fat, and she's bigger than me, so I think of her as huge. It's like I'm now hyper away of people's bodies....I don't know if it's a bad thing though. It kind of just is ; )
    Who feeds a two year old chicken nuggets is what I want to know? That's so unhealthy. Ugh. I loath fast food.
    People do lie. That's why we have to hide our habits, because they will lie to us. I just don't tell anyone anything about my eating/exercise habits. I think I like this community and my ed so much because they are so much more "real" than reality.
    We are so much alike! I have a feeling we really dress the same too : D
    Stay strong <3

  2. I love your blog.
    I'm not sure what to say because, like you, i have th same deal where I don't wanna talk to people and I wanna support you and I love ya but damn, I just don't know what to say! UGH
    Just keep up the good work, love. Thin is just around the corner.

  3. There's a song by Lyle Lovett called "fat babies" your post reminded me of that song. The chorus is: "Fat babies have no pride"

    What your doing, you've gotta be so secretive. Suddenly your whole life revolves around it, soon (at least for me) there's nothing to discuss with other people, b/c nothing else matters. I sppose thats the sad side of all this, but theres so many positives too. I dunno, it's just my experience.

  4. I always note how/what people eat and relate it to their weight. Bad, bad habit. I do it kids too but then I get irritated with their parents for teaching their child fatty, unhealthy ways so young. YOUR MAKING AMERICA FAT!!