Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Beginning: Ana's Love

"Ana, please don't be angry with me," I begged. "I know it was stupid and selfish of me, but... look, I'll share it with you."
I held out a spoonful of ice cream to her, but she recoiled as if it would hurt her, a look of disgust on her pretty face. "You ought to know me better than that by now, Josefine," she almost snarled. "I won't touch that crap, and neither should you."
"I know," i muttered. "It just looked so good and tempting sitting there in the freezer, and i couldn't--"
She cut me off. "Just shut up and listen to me." Tears filled her eyes. "You promised!"
I hung my head; she had a point. I couldn't think of a single thing to say. I had promised... and then i'd failed her. My mental calorie counter clicked away. I'd promised her 400 Calories today, and this made 800. "Ana," i began, but then fell silent. There was nothing i could say. The bowl was empty now, my rebellion complete, and yet somehow I CRAVED MORE!
"Don't even think about it," Ana warned me, but my mutinous hands reached for the bag of "fun size" candy bars. (Ironic that something so dangerous should have the word "fun" in the name.) A Snickers bar made its way out of its wrapper and into my mouth. "You're such a lying bitch," Ana sputtered angrily.
But that only forced me to put another chocolate bar into my mouth as i whimpered, "Please don't say that."
"Why not?" she snapped, knocking the bag of candy out of my hand. She stuffed it into the trash can i kept next to my bed. "We both know it's true." My stomach ached from the harshness of her words--and the truth in them. I was so very sorry; i wanted to take it all back. "Come on, Jo, you've got to do better."
"I know," i said sullenly. "I'm sorry, Ana."
"Sorry? You're sorry?!" She laughed bitterly. "Great, Jo, just great. Because sorry can totally get rid of the Calories you just shoveled in. Because sorry can totally help you get rid of that pudge around your stomach. Damn, you're just so worthless. All i want to do is help you, make you skinny and happy. But all you want to do is fight me. How can i help someone who won't listen to me?"
Tears coursed down my cheeks. "I'll change; i'll do better," i vowed.
"well, you'd better." The Sharp features of her bony face made her seem so menacing as she said, "If you do this again, i just might have to turn you over to Mia."
I choked, sho shocked that i stoped crying. "Oh no, please dont," i begged. "I'm not strong enough for Mia... and Mia... Mia KILLS!"
Ana smiled almost kindly. "So do I sweetheart." She wiped a tear from my chin. "But it's all for your own good." She kissed my cheek. "Don't eat anything else tonight, OK? I really do love you."
And then she was gone, leaving me alone to deal with my failure and the candy that i couldn't even bear to look at anymore.


  1. Damn! You are a hell of a writer... Honestly, you are amazing! You gave me chills just reading this first entry...
    I'm not Ana nor Mia but I'm not against you guys. I really do think that this is a lifestyle... Just not mine. I read lost of this blogs because (please, don't be offended by this) I'm truly fascinated with the way your mind works. I'll keep reading...
    Kisses and hugs from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

  2. I agree with Juliana. It's just so interesting to hear your writing, it really helps me understand how you think. I just stumbled across your blog and I'm starting at the beginning, because you are a fucking fantastic writer.

  3. Just found this blog. I'm already in love w the format. Thank you for sharing this story... OUR story.


  4. I think that maybe you could compile this into a book. I had read the end of you posts and am going back to the beginning just now cause I just found this blog. I don't know if you are into recovery yet or want to be but I think if you wrote a story like this about you and Ana it could really sell and offer some help to those living with eating disorders. It really shows the rest of the world how we think. It's more than a diet. Just a thought.