Monday, July 27, 2009


"Please, please, please," i begged my body. "Please, just throw up!" But it wouldn't, and i couldn't make it. "Mia!" i screamed, though she was standing right there. "You have to make this work!"
"What on earth do you want me to do?" Mia asked.
"Tell me how to make that God-damned food come back up," i sobbed. "Just help me."
"I haven't any idea. You're the one who put it in there. Why can't you get it back out?"
"I don't know." I leaned my head on the side of the toilet bowl. "I wish i did." I raised my head slowly and stuffed the first two fingers on my right hand down my throat for the millionth time. A little gag... nothing else. Why wouldn't this work? My stomach hurt; i felt sick; i wanted to puke. So why couldn't i?"
"Because you're weak." The sound of Ana's voice brought a curse to my lips. "Leave us, Mia."
Mia kissed my hot forehead, her rotten breath blowing in my face as she did so. It almost made me retch... but i couldn't be so lucky as that. "I'll see you later, hunny," she whispered and left me to face Ana's wrath alone.
It had been such a good day until roughly half an hour ago. I had been fasting, not even so much as wishing for a bite of anything. I'd even made cookies without allowing so much as a granule of sugar to slip between my lips. Then the binge monster came out and slapped me around, making me ravenous. I ate anything and everything i could find.
"5 cookies?!" Ana shouted at me. "Seriously, Jo, 5?! What the hell? No one--not even a gluttonous hog--eats that much!"
I just hung my head. I couldn't very well argue; it was true.
"Oh, and that was just the beginning of it. What all did you eat, dammit? Tell me!"
"I don't even know," i admitted.
She made a disgusted sound in the back of her throat. "I'm nice for one day, give you a break for one freakin' day, and this is how you repay me? You ungrateful bitch!"
"I'm sorry, Ana. I'll fix it. I'll do better. I promise." I was barely able to get the words out between hiccups and sobs.
"Well, you'd better," she spat, "because there's no saving you if you don't. Obviously, you can't even be turned over to Mia. You're starting the ABC over again tomorrow, and this time, NO BREAKS!" She paused, a cruel smile curling across her lips. "No breaks, or you'll have to be broken."
I put my head down on the toilet seat and sobbed, and this time, Ana did not comfort me. I'd have to either prove that i deserved her comfort or never be wrapped in her beautiful, bony arms again.


  1. I have entirely too many pets. I have two more cats aside from those pictured. Haha. And I do like blue, a lot. : )

    And I loved this post, your writing style is amazing, but I'm so sorry you had a bad day. : ( I hope tomorrow is better for you.

  2. Wow.

    I know that feeling. Start to finish.
    Reading this I felt like I was right there with you (and the frienemies).

    Your blog should be a book.

  3. I have a question for you - is it okay that I put a link to your blog on my blog? Just let me know, by leaving a comment on my post, "blogs i read".

    Sorry you had such a rotten day. I can never get anything up - cursed with short fingers...

  4. not that im encouraging mia, i hate the bitch, but next time, if you really have to - drink, no skull, about 2 litres of water. This should make your stomach protrude enough so that you barely have to force eveything to come back out.. gross, but it works.
    Sorry you had a bad day,hoping it gets better for you.

  5. Oh sweetie! :' ( <3 I'm so sorry. But honestly, it's best you didn't throw up. You don't want the mia path. You know it won't make you thinner, it's just a false sense of security to get the food up. And it will just make you more hungry. The food will probably give a little boost to your metabolism too! Throw it off and trick it! If not, it's nothing a day of fasting can't fix ; ) Don't be too down on yourself beautiful. You are probably one of the nicest people on here. You deserve to be thin, and you will be <3
    Stay strong <3

  6. I never use my fingers.. I use a toothbrush. I got a sweet spot like halfway down my throat that if I touch it and hold it there, its crazy. BUT DONT DO THAT.. its horrible horrible for you. It will keep you fat. I can promise you that. You're lovely and beautiful, and you will overcome this. :D

  7. I hate that feeling.
    Of just knowing that you fucked up.
    You'll do better though. Sometimes a binge
    just helps pick up your metabolism a bit.

    You have a rather wonderful way with your words.

    Be safe.

    Yasmine. xx

  8. I'm with Dot on the metabolism and the fasting.
    I'm loath to give tips on purging, because it really is not a good place to go and it's alot better not to. It fucks you up healthwise more than just ana, it's more noticeable and to be quite honest, it's really rather painful. But sometimes it has to be done. Try standing up, like your body bent at 90 degrees to the toilet and wrap one arm tightly around your stomach. It's the only way I can do it.
    In the words of Gone With The Wind, 'tomorrow, is another day!', and you can get back on track =] x

  9. I agree with Dot. That's the trouble with Mia...she's even more full of lies than Ana. :S Proof is in the pudding, as they say.

  10. Hugs and love. It's hard, but you'll get there. Mia is a temptress, but I couldn't do it her way either.

    I just wanted to comment and say I realllly love the style of your blog, and I need to get into the archives to catch myself up. x

  11. yes, i can be nice sometimes :)
    and lol @ trying to find something funny to say. it is just TRUE. and thats it. cut it off. its gone! :) love!

  12. heya hun. sorry about the rough day you had.
    you can do it though. i know you can.

    and thanx for your lovely comment. i am slowly getting back into a routine that suits me.
    i will be a fatass no more, :D

  13. Hi your blog has been included in the top ten ED blogs of 2012 on Borderline-fatally-attracted
    On tumblr :) xx