Thursday, November 29, 2012

I really need to get up to date on all the blogs i'm supposedly following. I'm sorry lovies...I haven't read any of your posts in probably about a month. I guess i was just trying to not trigger myself. But the trigger is already there: stress and confusion leads to Ana apparently.
And since a lot of people i know are against my Ana issues know where my blog is...i feel as if i can't explain fully. I've been kicking around the idea of opening a completely new blog account and username and everything for quite some time, and i really think i'm going to make that happen. I'll get back to those of you who i know at least fairly well with my new blog address and such once i have got it set up. To the others...i apologize in advance for disappearing from this blog. Hopefully you will be able to find my other blog. *hugs and love* This is such a big undertaking.. i'm kind of scared to begin, but i might as well start now while i still have the time.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Short Rant

I don't really have anything to post about. Sunday and Monday i ate next to nothing, and yesterday i felt like a sexy lady....until i actually ate something with some sort of substance. From there it was just munchies for the rest of the day. Blarg! I need to get my shit together and just eat like a normal person! Seriously, Ana, i don't want you in my life anymore... Wait, yes i do... No, really i don't... Kind of. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Frak! I'm so bloody confused right now. About so many things. This post is more to just let you all know i am still alive and kicking than anything else. I feel as if i've been very busy lately, therefore i couldn't post sooner, and i can't post about anything intelligent at the moment. Just don't ask me what i've been too busy with because i have no idea!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I haven't eaten anything with any sort of nutritional value today. Cookies and cheese. That's it... Ugh! I feel like this "eating better" goal is kind of like Jesse and I's "make our marriage like it used to be" goal. It's good for a couple days, and then it goes back to not happening... Not that i'm having issues with my marriage...we're just both different than we used to be. I blame stress. No one ever said marriage was an easy thing to maintain... And i never expected it to be. I just wish it would be. I'm not going to go into details... let's just say it's a rough patch. Likewise with my relationship with Ana.
I haven't caught up on any of your blogs yet either. I haven't done anything and i don't know why.
All you other American girls, Thanksgiving is Thursday... I hope you all manage to deal with it ok. I'm going to do my best, not because of the food this year, but because of the family. I just don't want to put up with them.
I'm hitting another depression for no reason that i can find... and i don't know what to do...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Caffeine is my Vise

I can't go without drinking 5 cups of coffee every morning. I've tried. I'm a bingey bitchy brat. This is another of my highly caffeinated rambly posts. The crazy part is i don't even like coffee that much; i tolerate it for it's lovely effects. Energy drinks are far too expensive for me to be drinking 2 every day, so i must stick with the coffee. I guess i could do what my new friend Gene told me and shoot caffeine into my veins--just kidding of course...kinda. Lol. No, trust me, i hate needles far too much for all that.
I have been eating an awful lot. An awful lot of junk food, nonetheless. I feel horrible about it even though i seem to be neither gaining nor losing weight, which is pretty much what i'm aiming for right now. I don't know though. It just feels like i'm eating too much. Especially too much unhealthy food. We get our food stamps today, so i'll make sure there's actually some healthy food in this place. As of now, there really is nothing but ramen noodles, which are absolutely horrible for you. Now that roommate is out, we should be able to maintain our food better. Having him gone has so many positive side effects. :)
Speaking of positive side effects, little miss Fate is about to have her own bedroom rather than share mine and hubby's! I'm so excited about this. I'm going to make it so pretty. The plan is to decorate it in books, since she's a bookworm just like her mama. It's either books or princesses... I'm thinking seriously about doing both together since they'd blend quite nicely. What do you all think? Hopefully, having her own room will help her to sleep through the night now. I think it will, but maybe it's just wishful thinking... Whatever. At least there will be toy-storage space other than my toy-cluttered living room! I'm pretty excited. Can you tell?
I miss you all! I really need to get caught up on your blogs and stay caught up! AND i need to post more. I don't know why i never do. I have no real reason... Well, other than cleaning like a psycho on any free time that i have, but that brings us back to the positive side effects of roommate being gone: stuff will actually stay clean so i won't have to clean everything every day! Therefore, it is my new resolve to keep you updated on my life and stay updated on yours. (That sounds a little creeper-ish doesn't it? Fuck! It's not meant that way!)
Another of my new resolves is to do more miscellaneous writing. I enjoy writing, so i don't know why i haven't in so long. I'm going to pick it up again, and share some samples of my writing with you all at some point.
On a completely random side-note, here's a pic of me in my halloween costume. This is what i look like now.. Haven't let you all see me in quite some time, so i felt the need to do so. Sorry it's sideways. My damn computer wouldn't let me rotate it for anything. Grrr!
Here i'll end my caffeinated random ramble with love and hugs to all of you. In other words, Fate demands my attention now. Haha. I love being a mom!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Good News for Real This Time!

Roommate is moved out for good! He left on saturday, and i am beyond happy. The depression is fading because of it, and i fucking love it. Last night i had issues getting to sleep because i was so excited about cleaning everything today. How crazy is that? Haha. I've been scrubbing all the walls in the house throughout the week. Not really sure why other than the fact that those walls would still remain clean while he was here. But now i can clean everything else and have it stay clean! Is that odd? Am i too much of a neat freak? I think i am getting pretty crazy with it... I don't know. Tell me honestly if i'm obsessing over cleanliness to much.
On the food front, i'm actually eating a lot of unhealthy stuff, and i'm planning on fixing that this week. Along with trying out the yoga routines you all suggested to find out which one i like. I'll get there.
Sorry this is so rambley.. I'm kind of REALLY caffeinated right now. 6 cups of coffe will make me a crazy, happy, rambling idiot.
Love to you all!

Monday, November 5, 2012


Do any of you lovely people have a challenging yoga routine to pass on to me? I'm bored with the one i have, and it's getting too easy for me. I can't do a lot of normal workouts because of my bad knees and back... yoga seems like the best option. Any help or suggestions would be fantastic.

Friday, November 2, 2012


Sorry i haven't been on lately... i've hit the worst depression in my life. I'm pretty sure it's because roommate came back the saturday after he left. He didn't explain why he left, but he's been just as messy if not more so, and any time he's confronted, he argues that he did clean up whatever mess he's being confronted about. Yeah, because it so looks like you cleaned it up when it's still there, dicktwat. I can't stand him.
I put up sticky notes everywhere to remind of the house rules, and since then it seems as if he is purposely disregarding them. Yesterday i closed the bathroom door after him once, the trash closet door after him twice, cleaned up the bathroom sink after him, threw away trash he left lying on the kitchen counter, and cleaned the shower after him. He also left his shoes on for 20 minutes after coming through the door. Seriously? All of that within an hour of him getting here after work. So i waited until Jesse came home so he would back me up and i told him about it...somewhat nicely anyway.
When he argued with me, i called his bullshit and told him he did not, in fact, clean up after himself EVER, because i've always cleaned up after him. He tried to tell me "i have to sit down to take my shoes off."
I responded with, "ok, fine, but why couldn't you sit down and take your shoes off as soon as you came in?"
"I don't know..." he mumbled. "But i noticed that black mark on the shower before i got in."
"BULLSHIT! I got a shower today too, and it was NOT there when i got out. I've been in the bathroom many times today, and that black mark magically appeared AFTER your shower."
"I tried to scrub it out when i was in there."
"Bullshit. It's not that fucking hard to get out. If you had tried, it wouldn't still be there."
He had no response to that.
"I closed the bathroom door after you once and the trash closet door after you twice."
"I forgot."
"That's why there's sticky notes on them."
"Well i thought i did close them."
"Yeah, well you didn't."
"And i do try to clean up after myself."
"Really? Because i've cleaned up after you countless times."
"Like what?"
And i listed off 5 different instances without even thinking. "You might pay half the rent, but i do ALL the cleaning. I'm not asking for big help, just a little bit of respect and responsibility from you. If you don't feel like giving me that respect, you can leave."
"Ok," he said in annoyed tone and went back to his room.
I'm not sure if i affected him at all with it, but i tried. I'll talk to him once more if it doesn't change, and the third time i have to talk to him, i'm telling him to leave. I'm not being mr. nice guy anymore. It's putting me in a depression to put up with his shit, so i'm not putting up with it anymore.
Jesse just laid there on the couch pretending to sleep through the whole conversation though. Asswipe. I told him i wanted his support and that's what he gave me? Fuck it. I did it on my own, and i'll continue to do it on my own if i have to. I'm not putting up with it. I CAN'T put up with it.
Jesse did come up with some bullshit story telling roommate he has to get out by the 15th because we're going to be moving out and we need to get the place fixed up, especially the carpet in his room, so we can get our security deposit back. That's partly true, but we're not planning on moving all that soon. I wish Jesse would quit sugar coating it and just tell him how it really is, but he "doesn't want to lose a friend". Whatever, at least he told him to get out eventually. BUT i will kick him out earlier than that if he doesn't listen to what i said. I'm trying my damndest to get out of this depression, and if that's what i have to do to do so, i'll do it. Wish me luck...

Friday, October 26, 2012

Good News!

Finally, i have some good news to share! I think i unintentionally kicked roommate out. Either he got offended by the "House Rules" i posted in a prominent place or he overheard my rampage about how he never cleans up after himself after i found his hair dye mess all over the shower AND Fate's bath loofa. Whatever the cause, he just rushed out the door with his bike, phone, and a blanket (maybe with something else in this blanket?), mumbling "See you someday/Sunday," (i couldn't tell which) as he went out. I don't regret what happened at all. At first i felt a little bit bad because i hadn't said what i said about him to his face, but then i thought about it and realized he would have argued that i was wrong, and i would have gotten extremely angry and blown up in his face, so it probably would have ended more badly that way. I hope he's gone; i really do. This place will be so much cleaner and safer for my daughter without him. It will be much more pleasant for everyone too, since i won't be constantly depressed about cleaning up after his lazy ass. He also enjoyed using up all the more expensive groceries Jesse and i bought and never buying anything we could use. He was just freeloading the whole way, and i know it! I'll be so sad if this is just false hope, because i'm so excited about it. I'm not worried at all about paying his half of the rent and the electric, because i'm sure we can do it somehow. It might get hard sometimes, but it'll be better than living with him. He is, however, the one paying for internet, so that might end soon... Oh well, it'd be worth it.
On the food side of things, my diet has consisted of sweets, sweets, sweets... Horrible. That's going to stop after this weekend, and i'm going to go back to no junk food and yoga daily. Maybe if i feel up to it, i'll throw a tougher workout in there somewhere, because the yoga is really just getting too easy for me. Perhaps a more difficult, longer yoga routine so i don't make my knees commit suicide... but if i feel up to it i'll do a legit difficult workout that's not yoga at some point. Maybe. Haha. I'm so very good at making decisions, aren't i?
Random tidbit here: I got this comment on my last post, and i want to share it with you all:
"hey! i need your help my ex discovered my blog so i had to delete it and start fresh. ill tell everyone who i use to be once i get some followers back! lol"
Jump over there and giver her some lovings.
Love to you all! I wish you the best day possible today, because it's pretty friggin' awesome for me too! hehe.

Edit: Never-fucking-mind. He came back at 9 this morning. Fuck my life.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not Sure Anymore

All i've been wanting to do for the past week is eat, and eat, and eat. And i have been. Now in a normal person's eyes, my overeating would be considered normal eating, as i guarantee i haven't gone over 2000 Calories in a day, but that's entirely too many Calories in a day for me! What the fuck am i doing?! I tell myself i'm fine with it. I'm not gaining weight, so i should be fine with it, right? ...But i'm not fine with it! I don't even know what to do. I'm always hungry, and i don't know why. This needs to stop.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

There is no Black and White; it's all Grey

"But i don't want to be a skeleton!" i shouted as the argument elevated.
Ana remained so calm, and that pissed me off more than if she had screamed back at me. "Why would you not want to be beautiful? You've always worked so hard for beauty, and now you don't want it. What's up with that?"
"It's not beauty to be nothing but skin and bones!"
"You always agreed with me before that it was."
"Fuck off!"
She shook her head and waved her finger in the obnoxious admonishing way that she always did, as if she owned me and could always tell me what to do. "You don't want me to do that. You'd be so sad and lonely and fat without me."
She was right. I was terrified to be without her. I wanted her control over me because i didn't trust myself to have any control at all. But i couldn't let her know if she didn't know already. What a fool i was! "Please just leave me alone to think on it for a minute, ok?" It was the best answer i could come up with.
She smiled sweetly, making me even angrier. "Ok," she said, her voice dripping with sugar-coated honey, as she snatched the single piece of fudge i had been about to eat from me and bolted out the door with it.
I sat there alone, sulking and pondering over what to do.
It wasn't as if i had been eating badly. I hadn't binged in forever, and i wasn't eating very much junk food at all. It wasn't as if i had been eating exactly well (on Ana's terms anyway) either. I had been eating three small meals a day and sometimes a snack thrown in there somewhere. I had eaten a couple sweets here and there, but not to an excessive amount, but even a bite was an excessive amount according to Ana. I'd just been eating whatever i felt like whenever i was hungry, which was so much like eating "normally" that it scared the shit out of me, and i called Ana back in for help. The thing was, i didn't even know if i wanted her help, but i didn't know if i wanted to be without her help either. I took her help anyway, and for a week, we got along just fine. She only asked that i eat absolutely no sweets or chips and do a simple 20 minute yoga routine daily. I listened to her, and found myself losing weight that i didn't even care if i lost. (My main goal was just to maintain.) Then one day i looked in the mirror as i was changing and thought i looked sickly, disgustingly skinny. I got a sick thrill out of it, but at the same time, i decided i should probably gain a little bit of weight back, so i ignored Ana and began eating anything at all that i wanted. Then i noticed the tiny bit of weight coming back, and i hated it. I wanted rid of it, but simultaneously i wanted to keep it.
And that's where i was. No clue what i wanted or if i even wanted anything. Ana was angry with me, and i was upset with her. We loved each other still, but perhaps we shouldn't, like the married couple that does nothing but fight and fuck. I didn't know... I just didn't know...
So i buried my nose in Edgar Allen Poe, and tired to forget the world.

Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm Alright.... I Think

I've hit a depression... for no apparent reason. I really have no idea what is wrong with me. There are several things bothering me, but none of them should be big enough to throw me into this horrid mood. I never feel like doing anything. I never even feel like blogging--and that is strange for me! I'm constantly exhausted and irritable. If you don't mind the rant, i think i'll put down all the things that are bothering me and see if i can't figure out what my problem is.
First off, i can NOT live with roommate anymore. He's so fucking pathetic and lazy. All he ever does is come out of his room, mess something up, and go back to his room when he's not at work. Literally, 30 minutes after i clean ANYTHING he comes out of his room and messes it all up. I've gone on cleaning strike because i can't take that. It takes me an hour to clean something and it takes him 20 seconds to destroy that clean and be too lazy to do anything about it. I cleaned up a horrific coffee grounds mess this morning just so my daughter wasn't eating coffee grounds off the floor. What the fuck, dude? You live with a mobile baby who eats everything. The least you can do is try to clean up after yourself to protect her! And the worst part is if i say anything to him, he just denies that it was him. Hello, idiot, i KNOW it was you! Jesse cleans up after himself, and so do i, and i'm pretty sure Fate didn't make that mess. Ugh!
Second, like i said before, i'm going on a cleaning strike because i can't keep anything clean, so the apartment looks like shit. I'm feeling like a dirtball because my home is dirty, but i also feel like i can't do anything about it. I hate feeling helpless, which is exactly what this is doing to me.
Third, my parents are shoving God at me from 60-some miles away. Yeah, i gotta hand it to them, that's some skill, but it's also incredibly annoying. Here's where i stand on that: i believe in God, but i do not believe in religion. I think religion is all a bunch of hypocrites doing what they think they have to do to get to heaven, and hating every minute of it while trying to draw other people into their misery. (Ok, not all religion, but the religion my parents are all about. I guess it would be called "Baptist".) I'm sure that there are some people who truly believe in their religion, and honestly want to do what their religion calls for, and that's fine, but the majority of religious people i have met are hypocritical and judgmental, and i don't appreciate it at all. I don't like being looked at like i'm a terrible mother just because i have a couple tattoos and piercings. Stop judging a book by its cover, or at least be fair and judge your own damn book by its cover too. My parents called a pastor from a nearby church and he came and visited us (while the apartment needed cleaned, i might add, so i was rather embarrassed as his religious judgmental eyes looked all around) and invited us to his church, and offered us his fucking pity money since we're poor. Yeah, no thanks on both of those things, dude.  I feel judged and pressured to be someone i'm not because of this.
Fourth, since i am in this depressive state, i've been beating myself up about not being as good a mother as i know i could be. I feel like doing nothing, so i don't pay enough attention to my daughter. Granted, i do pay more attention to her than most parents my age do to their own kids, but i still just don't feel that it's good enough. I want to fix it, but i'm feeling so blah that i really don't even know how. Once again, i feel helpless.
Fifth, money money money. I hate it, but i need it to live. It's being extremely elusive right now. Jesse JUST got a job, which he starts on monday, so at least i won't be the only one bringing in money. Hopefully that will clear that issue up for me. I just feel so completely broke, and i hate feeling like i'm poor because i then feel like i should look like "trailer park trash". I'd rather die than look poor and dirty, but i feel like i should look that way because i feel poor.... if that made any sense.
Sixth, maybe i can blame it on being sick, but i've felt so exhausted and zombie-like the past week. It kind of feels like i'm on the outside of my body watching myself go about my daily life. And no, i'm not on any sort of drugs... but it kinda feels like i should be, just so i could explain why i feel this way. I don't understand it, and it's kinda freaking me out.
Seventh, chronic pain. It's been part of my life for quite some time now with no real explanation...well maybe if i had the money to get to a doctor there would be an explanation... The pain is depressing, and the depression is painful. Kind of an endless cycle there, and i hate it.
And eighth, Ana. Enough said there. I'm sure you all can understand how she affects everything without an explanation.
I don't think there's anything else that could possibly be contributing to my depression. I really don't even see why these silly little things would affect my depression, but i guess they are. If you have read to the end of this ridiculously long rant, i give you giant hugs, and hope you'll leave me a comment, even if it is just to tell me to shut up and stop complaining. :) Love to you all, and thanks for listening to my whining and crying. Here, i'll leave you a link to a song that i just found on YouTube that makes me feel like i'm not alone in my outlook on religious people:

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


I stepped off the scale and waited for it to go blank, then stepped onto it again.
I couldn't believe it. Last time i'd weighed myself i'd been 123 lbs. Once more, i stepped off, waited for it to go blank, and stepped back on.
"How is that possible?" i muttered to myself. "I haven't even been trying."
"What are you complaining about then?" Ana asked. "You're losing without really trying or concentrating..." here a bitterness crept into her voice.. "or even listening to me."
I stepped off the scale and turned around to face her. "Well what are you complaining about? What you want to happen is happening, even though your upset that i'm not following all of your ridiculous plans."
She rolled her eyes and said nothing.
"I looked in the mirror last night as i was changing my shirt and thought that i looked gross, not because of fat, but because of the lack thereof. I am nothing but skin and bones. It's not attractive, not nearly so attractive as you would have me to believe anyway."
"Oh stop it," she laughed. "You're excited by the fact that you're so small and you know it. Stop denying it."
Here i frowned. She was partly right, but also, she was partly wrong. I wasn't really completely sure how i felt about it. "I want to stop losing," i murmured, half hoping she didn't hear me.
"What?!" her tone was beyond patronizing. "You stupid thing you. Why would you ever complain about losing with minimal effort?"
I shrugged. "I'm ok with staying the way i am right now. I don't want to lose or gain anything. I just want to stay put."
"Hmph!" she snorted. "You're a fucking idiot," she said so softly that it cut deeper than if she'd screamed it at me. Then she floated out the door.
I looked back at the scale and cautiously stepped onto it.
All i could do was stare at the number. I didn't know how to feel about it, or what i wanted to do about it. Confusion was all i felt.

Friday, October 5, 2012

So now everyone in my home is sick, except roommate who only comes out of his room long enough to eat, make a mess of my clean bathroom, play the same damn video game for hours on end, or leave for work. Poor little Fate is miserable, which makes everyone else super-miserable. I wish i could take that sickness for her. The apartment needs cleaned quite terribly, and no one has the energy to do it.  I've got to be at work from 6 pm until 2 am.
AND on top of all that, my parents are insisting on coming over to my apartment tomorrow to give Fate her late birthday gifts. Why they couldn't just come over on her actual birthday, i'll never know. Honestly, i don't even really want them to come at all. I let them in Fate's life in very small amounts. They only "loved" me until they found my blog and discovered i wasn't the wonderful little churchy do-good daughter they thought me to be. Maybe that's partially my fault for not being fully truthful with them about my doings, but i really couldn't have been truthful with them because they still would have hated me for it. I tried to get help from them with my mental issues before they got bad, and they didn't do a single thing, so i just hid it all from them. They also think i'm a horrible person for having sex before marriage, for smoking cigarettes, and drinking alcohol. Let's just say they've said some horribly hurtful things to me before, and leave it at that. I just really don't want them doing the same to my daughter. Sure, they think she's fantastic now...but what happens when she does something they don't like? Will they even love her then?
All i can think about when i see my mother's face is her telling me that it was my fault that i was molested since i'd had sex with one person without being married before the molestation happened. That hurt. It hurt me more than you can imagine since i blamed myself a bit for it anyway. It's perfectly fine that that man molested me, especially since he's "changed his ways" and become a pastor, but it's not alright that i'd had sex with one person without being married to him even though i'd dated him for 2 whole years?! Yepp that's a true mother's love right there. I don't think i can ever forgive the person who did that to me, and i know i can never forgive my mother for being alright with him doing it to me. It will eat away at my brain until i am buried, and then it will eat away at my soul.
Oh dear, there i go with glum posts again. I'm sorry, lovelies. I hope you're all doing better than i am.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


So i've come down with some sort of cold, and i'm absolutely miserable. I can't breathe sitting still, let alone doing yoga, so that's out until i've recovered. Trying to keep up on the housework is exhausting, and i feel like my head is in a bubble because i'm not  fully comprehensive of i hope this post even makes sense. I'm hoping that i don't end up giving this cold to Fate, but i'm really not quite sure how to make sure of that other than a ton of handwashing. Any ideas? On the positive side, it's taken my appetite away almost completely, so no worries of eating junk food.
You'd think with me being sick, Jesse would pick up some slack and do some of the housework to help me out. No such luck. I had to beg him to even do the last couple dishes that i couldn't find the energy to pick up last night. Then he came into the bedroom banging around loud enough to wake both Fate and myself up and got pissy when i told him to put her back to sleep. I ended up sleeping on the couch, partially because i was mad at him, and partially because it's the only place i could comfortably sleep propped up enough to breathe. He also said something along the lines of "i don't even think you're sick" last night. Ugh! He's lucky i love him so much, because honestly, i think i do better when it's just Fate and me.
Sorry for the complaint post. :( I guess that all i do when i'm sick is whine and cry about it, seeing as i'm out of things to say now that i'm done complaining. Ugh. i'm pathetic sometimes.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Story post!

"What on earth are you eating?!" Ana's stern voice whispered in my ear.
I turned around guiltily to face her. "Apple pie," i muttered.
"No shit, Sherlock," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Let me rephrase that question. What on earth are you thinking?"
I shrugged. "I thought we decided that Sunday was a treat day when i didn't really have to worry about what i ate as long as i didn't get ridiculous with it."
"Well you just did get ridiculous with it. Seriously, apple pie?!"
I hung my head as my brain reeled throughout it searching for some sort of plausible excuse. "It's been sitting on the counter so long...and i don't want it to go to waste. Besides, it's low sugar." That was the best i could come up with.
"Low sugar doesn't mean low fat," she countered, "and who really cares if something so pointless goes to waste?"
"I was just really hungry and it was the fastest thing i found," i admitted. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I just thought it would be ok since i hadn't eaten for 24 hours on top of working my butt off."
"You used to do that on a daily basis and you never bitched out on me like that."
My turn to roll my eyes. "You're supposed to stay nice and not turn into a monster again."
"Ugh!" was all she had for a response, and she slowly faded out of the room, leaving behind only a mild case of guilt.
It doesn't matter, i thought to myself. Sunday IS my day off, and it's not like it was a full out binge. That pie is really all i'm going to eat for lunch anyway. I worked hard enough to earn it.
"Stop making excuses," Ana's voice reached me from an unknown source, and i had to agree with her. It was rather pathetic to make such excuses when i could have chosen something much better to eat... "But it's in the past. I can't change the past by sulking about it. I'll do better now," i promised myself.
And i really will do better now.

I'm proud of myself! I actually found some motivation and wrote you all a story post! Does that give me license to rant a bit now? Pleeeease? Oh well, i'm doing it anyway. I live with two men. This life has brought me to the conclusion that men are worthless, lazy pieces of annoyance that are really only good for the occasional sweet action. Seriously, i worked my butt off the past two nights and the men of the house can't even take out the garbage? All hubby's been doing today is complaining about how tired he is--which i might add, he really is so tired by his own choice of staying up late when he didn't have to. I'm trying to get some housework done and only asking him to watch Fate. He is doing it, but not well. Roommate on the other hand has done nothing all weekend except sit in front of the TV playing his retarded video game. Ugh! Seriously, i wish i was a man so i didn't have to do anything of value.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

No Time to Post Anything Intelligent... Here, how about some pictures instead

Funny faces with me and Fatie

Lounging with Fatie.
 Neither pic is particularly attractive, but i think they're funny, and i thought i'd show you all some of my more laid back side. I love how in the bottom picture Fatie and i both look like we're pissed at the world. Haha.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Yesterday and Today

I need to start writing in story mode again. I was proud of the fact that i did that because i felt it made my blog unique...but i've just gotten lazy. I've thought about it several times since i started posting again, but i sort of have a problem writing that way now that Ana isn't so prominent in my life. I'll have to ponder on it a bit more, and  hopefully soon i'll figure out a way to get back to my old writing style.
Writing hasn't been the only thing i've become lazy in these past several days. I haven't done yoga since monday, even though Fate is constantly reminding me to do it by tugging at my rolled up yoga mat and trying to mimic what she's seen me do on it. It's adorable, really, and i think she enjoys watching me and trying to copy my movements. That alone should be enough motivation...but damn depression had been making me lose all motivation to do anything.
Jesse had to quit his job on tuesday because we were losing money getting him to and from work with the ridiculous price of gas and such a long drive to get there. He says he thinks he should be able to receive unemployment compensation because just before he said he needed to quit, they ended his assignment for lack of work anyway, so my fingers are crossed that he can. I like having him home...but for some odd reason i seem to be more motivated to eat well, exercise, clean the apartment, and spend all day doting on my little lady when he isn't here. I think it's just because i know i have help with everything since he's not working, so i rely to strongly on that help and lose all motivation to do anything on my own. Foolish, since he certainly doesn't even do half of the cleaning and playing with Fate that i do, but i hold onto my false hope of a day to just relax with determination. Oh well...
Yesterday was a horrid day, but that was mainly my own fault for not drinking my pot of coffee in the morning. The day just started out awful because i got my check from the insurance company in the mail and it was $1000 short of what it was supposed to be. I thought i was going to get screwed over so badly when i saw that, and i freaked out. Thank goodness that when i called in, my agent readily admitted that he had made a mistake and told me he'd put the check in the mail with the rest of the money he owed me on it. I thought for sure i'd have much more trouble getting what i was owed than i did. The only down-side is that i've got to wait even longer to get a new car now, but it really could be much, much worse.
The rest of the day was horrid because even though the situation that threw me into spaz-out mode was easily cleared up, it left me in a depressive state because my brain likes to linger in such states for no apparent reason. I also was hurting all over... I swear i have arthritis in my knees, and there is something wrong with my neck and spine... I don't know how to fix it though because i don't have a family doctor to see about it, or the money to get one. Pain always puts me in an awful mood since there's nothing at all i can do to fix it.
On top of that, i just gave up caring about not eating junk food and ate a piece of pie. Also, as before mentioned, i failed to do my yoga. So all of that made me sulk and feel like a failure.
BUT today is a new day, and it will be better. I'll make sure of it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Fatie had a fantastic birthday. :) She smashed her cake and figured out how to open and play with all her gifts. I ate some cake today, but that was to be expected anyway, so ana hasn't said anything at all about it. Hope you all enjoy the pics. There's a couple with Jesse in, and a couple with me in, but most are just Fate by herself.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Depressive Post.... Fuuuck

I'm trying not to be so glum and moody in my life, and in my blog... But i've hit another depressive day. We're losing money with Jesse going to work because we don't have our car. It was totaled trying to miss a deer. The only help we could get was from his aunt, who lent us her truck, which gets terrible gas mileage and has needed over $200 in parts that WE had to replace. His work is over an hour away from our home, and he gets paid $8 per hour. So we're spending all the money he makes on gas. The car was wrecked roughly 2 weeks ago and we still have not received even the paperwork from the insurance company, so we have no way of getting a car. On top of all that, Jesse is pretty sure that the truck is about to break down again, so he's just going to have to request a leave of absence at his job and hope he doesn't get fired for it. This is all just a bit much on me right now. I can't handle it.
Fate is screaming her head off because she's sleepy and refuses to sleep, and the dude that lives with us is on the phone yelling, so of course that's keeping her awake. Thanks for your consideration, asshole. He does this kind of shit all the time. Not to mention that he doesn't even clean up after himself, so i feel like his mother, always cleaning up after him. It's ridiculous. I need to get out of here.
I haven't done my yoga today.... I've been too depressed. Maybe if i actually did it, it would help me to get more focused and less depressed.
*Bursts into tears*
Sorry... Let me come back and try to post later.
Fuck my life. 

7 hours later i am feeling much better. I stayed in my depressive mode for quite some time, and even ended up having a bit of a junk food binge (3 cookies and one snack cake. ugh!) and completely skipping out on my yoga because i just couldn't find the motivation. But Ana really isn't kicking my ass too bad for it. She's been so nice lately. "Everyone makes mistakes. Just start over, and it'll all be alright," she told me after the binge. It's actually so much easier to listen to her when she's pleasant like that; maybe that's why she's been so nice.
After Fate woke up from her nap, she gave me cuddles and lovies and smiles. I think she could tell that i was upset and she wanted to help me feel better. It definitely worked. She's such a little angel. We searched through Netflix together until we found a show that she liked and we watched that for a while, then read stories and played toys until dinner. Jesse gave her her dinner, and then i gave her her bath afterward. More cuddles and toys, and a bedtime story, and then she went to bed perfectly. I don't know what i'd do without that child.
Then i started cleaning the entire apartment. It had to be cleaned for her birthday party tomorrow. I will NOT have guests coming to an untidy home for my baby's birthday party. There's really something very therapeutic about cleaning for me. No matter how awful a mood i'm in, if i clean, everything is so much better. I have no idea why. It's spotless now, and i'm quite proud of myself for not half-assing cleaning on a depressive day like this.
All of your lovely supportive comments helped me out too. I really do feel 100% back in the game.

Tomorrow is Fatie's birthday!!! I'm so very excited. That's when i'm going to post the new pictures of Fate and i for you all to see because i'm sure you'll all want to see her birthday party too. I can't wait! :)
Thank you for all your love and support. Hugs and love right back at you all. :) 

Monday, September 24, 2012


"Saw your face, my hand you took, just like in a storybook, and, you got me. Yeah, you've got me. I can't even argue, couldn't cuz it's true. Now you've got me. Yeah, you've got me, got me wrapped up in your pocket. Don't know how you won my heart cuz i locked it. Yeah i locked it...."
-She and Him: Got Me

She's back... not full-force yet, though i know she will soon figure out how to get there. I keep telling myself i'm not going to let her take control like she used to. I mean it, really i do, but i'm not even sure if it's possible. I don't even understand why i want her so badly. When it comes to sexual attractiveness, i prefer a woman with some nice proportionate curves... so why on earth would i want to be a stick figure!? 
As of right now, her plan for me is something that i don't think anyone could really object to. She wants me to cut out all junk food, do a short yoga routine daily, and not worry about anything else. I don''t see how this is a bad plan at all, so i'm going with it. How could i not go with it? She's my first love, and there's not a reason to object to such a harmless plan. I've been doing it for about a week already, and i had a couple slip-ups, but she didn't freak on me, just told me to try again. This was how it started when i first met her though...she seemed so harmless and turned into a monster beyond belief. But i won't let her turn into a monster this time... i think. Wish me luck.

On a side note, i seem to have lost a lot of the bloggers i followed. They've just stopped posting out of the blue. This makes me so sad. I'm hoping they're in recovery or too busy with a wonderful happy life to worry about blogging, but i'm still worried about them. If i follow you and you haven't posted in a while, but you're still here, please leave me a comment telling me you're alright. 
The positive side to this is that it gives me some time to check out new blogs. If you need a new follower, comment me with your link and i'll check you out.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


The title kinda says it all. :) So i'll be updating on a more daily basis and trying to get back in touch with all of you and caught up on all of your blogs. I'm so very excited! I  don't have very much time to myself in a day with my daughter taking up all of my time in her adorable-ness, but with the time i do have, i will get caught up and back in touch and update way more often. You all know i've missed you horribly.
To update on Ana, she is slowly creeping back into my life. I should have known better than to think i could be completely rid of her... I'm welcoming her back, and pushing her away in equal amounts. It's al so confusing. I love her, but i hate her. I want her, but i don't want her. But i'msure you all know how that goes.
To update on my lovely little Fatie-baby, she is doing wonderful and growing up so fast. She's going to be a year old on the 26th, for goodness sake! She's walking by herself now, and repeating what she hears so much (calm that potty-mouth, momma!). She gives hugs and says "i love you" now, and she gets more beautiful every single day. I'll have to post some recent pictures of her soon. I'll have to post some recent pictures of ME soon. It's been so long since you all have seen me or heard anything at all from me. Oh i missed you! But i'm really back now. I promise. Love to all of you!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Baby Pictures!

Here's a picture of Fatie-lady when she first sat without support a few months ago. This is the most recent picture of her i had on my computer.

And here she is pretending to play her daddy's video game. :) She so ridiculous cute!


With Jesse right after she was born.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I still update every once in a great while

I doubt any of you even still read my posts. It's been so very long since i posted anything. I miss it so very much, but i just don't have any internet access ever. And we're always too damn broke to get internet connection at our home. Jesse's been through about 4 jobs since i last posted and is currently looking for another one since he doesn't have one right now. I'm about sick of it. He swears it's not his fault every time, but i don't know. Don't get me wrong: i love him very much, and i want to believe everything he says, but... sometime's it's a bit difficult.
Fate is doing very well, and growing so fast. She's partially mobile now (rolling pin style). She's a complete mama baby and won't have anyone who isn't mommy or daddy, but most of the time she won't even have daddy. It makes me feel special. :) She's starting to say a few words already too! I didn't know they could start talking at 8 months! Seems way too early, but she's a smarty i guess. She calls me "mum mum" and Jesse "dad". I love it. She tries to immitate so many of the sounds we make now too, so i guess i should start taming my tongue a bit, huh?
Ana was threatening to come back to me a while ago. In fact, at one point she was even telling me to cut if i didn't stick to her ridiculous diet plan, but then something amazing happened. Maybe it's a bit unconventional, but i never claimed to be a conservative. I got a job as a dancer in a club because the hours fit my schedule very nicely since Fate would be sleeping almost the whole time i'd be working, and the pay for so few hours is also quite nice. It pays the bills with me working only two nights a week, so i really can't complain at all. That job makes me feel so wonderful about myself. I feel beautiful for the first time in my life! My sister-in-law looked at me as if i'd lost my mind when i said i wanted a BIGGER butt. I've never wanted anything bigger in all of my life! I almost feel like i'm doing something wrong because i don't want to shrink anymore, but it feels wonderful at the same time. I don't exactly suggest it for those of you trying to get rid of Ana, but it's worked wonders for me. For the first time ever i'm satisfied and happy with my body. I never thought that would happen to me. I really hope it lasts. It has lasted for almost 3 weeks now, so let's see if it keeps up!
I hope you all are doing well. I love you so very much, and you are always in my thoughts.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ramblings--oh i missed you all soooo much!

Wow... I haven't been able to get internet access for forever. I missed you all so much. So much is going on i don't even know where to begin telling you. Well, i guess i could start off with my little angel, who is pretty much my entire life now.
Fate is growing like crazy! She's now almost 4 months old! Holding her head up perfectly fine, sitting up with assistance, standing up with assistance, smiling, giggling, and making my life awesome, even when she's fussy. :) This little girl has made me sane, which i thought was an impossible feat.
Jesse and i are going through a bit of a financial dry spell. Some jerk he was working with told him "i hope your fucking wife dies in a car accident." We all know how protective Jesse is of me, so he flipped out. He didn't do anything to the guy on company property--technically he didn't even do anything to him anywhere. He told the dude to get out of his car so he could pound his face in right outside the company gates, but he didn't have the nerve, so all that happened was that Jesse yelled at him and kicked his car door--not hard enough to dent it or anything. But dude knew the boss outside of work, so the boss felt like being a complete douche and firing Jesse over it all.... Yeah, fabulous, right? He had another job for a month after that that didn't pay very well, but helped us scrape by, but the bosses just didn't like him there and came up with some random bullshit reason to fire him. So, once again, he's jobless. He's looking everywhere, but not really finding anything. We're hanging on by the grace of God... but yeah...
But i'm not in a bad mood about it. I actually believe him when he says we're going to make it through this.
Oh dear, i'm rambling... but i have so much to tell you all!!!
I think i've partially kicked Ana out of my life too! I'm currently breastfeeding her, so i'm eating whatever and still losing weight, which is pretty awesome. The crazy thing is, i can honestly say that i don't want to look like a skeleton anymore. I mean, no way am i going to just let myself go: i still want to look good and be thin, but not sickly thin. I never thought i'd be able to say that!
I'll stop the rambling now, but here's the link to my facebook. I can get on that on my phone, but the phone won't let me get on the blog because it's a cheapy. Hit me up on there--there's lots of pictures of Fate on facebook too! I miss you, and love you all bunches. I want to be able to keep in touch so bad. Just send me a friend request with a note saying you follow my blog, and i'll add you. I just ask that the facebook account be kept Ana-free. You can message me with Ana conversations, but please don't post such things on the wall. Love you bunches!