I've hit a depression... for no apparent reason. I really have no idea what is wrong with me. There are several things bothering me, but none of them should be big enough to throw me into this horrid mood. I never feel like doing anything. I never even feel like blogging--and that is strange for me! I'm constantly exhausted and irritable. If you don't mind the rant, i think i'll put down all the things that are bothering me and see if i can't figure out what my problem is.
First off, i can NOT live with roommate anymore. He's so fucking pathetic and lazy. All he ever does is come out of his room, mess something up, and go back to his room when he's not at work. Literally, 30 minutes after i clean ANYTHING he comes out of his room and messes it all up. I've gone on cleaning strike because i can't take that. It takes me an hour to clean something and it takes him 20 seconds to destroy that clean and be too lazy to do anything about it. I cleaned up a horrific coffee grounds mess this morning just so my daughter wasn't eating coffee grounds off the floor. What the fuck, dude? You live with a mobile baby who eats everything. The least you can do is try to clean up after yourself to protect her! And the worst part is if i say anything to him, he just denies that it was him. Hello, idiot, i KNOW it was you! Jesse cleans up after himself, and so do i, and i'm pretty sure Fate didn't make that mess. Ugh!
Second, like i said before, i'm going on a cleaning strike because i can't keep anything clean, so the apartment looks like shit. I'm feeling like a dirtball because my home is dirty, but i also feel like i can't do anything about it. I hate feeling helpless, which is exactly what this is doing to me.
Third, my parents are shoving God at me from 60-some miles away. Yeah, i gotta hand it to them, that's some skill, but it's also incredibly annoying. Here's where i stand on that: i believe in God, but i do not believe in religion. I think religion is all a bunch of hypocrites doing what they think they have to do to get to heaven, and hating every minute of it while trying to draw other people into their misery. (Ok, not all religion, but the religion my parents are all about. I guess it would be called "Baptist".) I'm sure that there are some people who truly believe in their religion, and honestly want to do what their religion calls for, and that's fine, but the majority of religious people i have met are hypocritical and judgmental, and i don't appreciate it at all. I don't like being looked at like i'm a terrible mother just because i have a couple tattoos and piercings. Stop judging a book by its cover, or at least be fair and judge your own damn book by its cover too. My parents called a pastor from a nearby church and he came and visited us (while the apartment needed cleaned, i might add, so i was rather embarrassed as his religious judgmental eyes looked all around) and invited us to his church, and offered us his fucking pity money since we're poor. Yeah, no thanks on both of those things, dude. I feel judged and pressured to be someone i'm not because of this.
Fourth, since i am in this depressive state, i've been beating myself up about not being as good a mother as i know i could be. I feel like doing nothing, so i don't pay enough attention to my daughter. Granted, i do pay more attention to her than most parents my age do to their own kids, but i still just don't feel that it's good enough. I want to fix it, but i'm feeling so blah that i really don't even know how. Once again, i feel helpless.
Fifth, money money money. I hate it, but i need it to live. It's being extremely elusive right now. Jesse JUST got a job, which he starts on monday, so at least i won't be the only one bringing in money. Hopefully that will clear that issue up for me. I just feel so completely broke, and i hate feeling like i'm poor because i then feel like i should look like "trailer park trash". I'd rather die than look poor and dirty, but i feel like i should look that way because i feel poor.... if that made any sense.
Sixth, maybe i can blame it on being sick, but i've felt so exhausted and zombie-like the past week. It kind of feels like i'm on the outside of my body watching myself go about my daily life. And no, i'm not on any sort of drugs... but it kinda feels like i should be, just so i could explain why i feel this way. I don't understand it, and it's kinda freaking me out.
Seventh, chronic pain. It's been part of my life for quite some time now with no real explanation...well maybe if i had the money to get to a doctor there would be an explanation... The pain is depressing, and the depression is painful. Kind of an endless cycle there, and i hate it.
And eighth, Ana. Enough said there. I'm sure you all can understand how she affects everything without an explanation.
I don't think there's anything else that could possibly be contributing to my depression. I really don't even see why these silly little things would affect my depression, but i guess they are. If you have read to the end of this ridiculously long rant, i give you giant hugs, and hope you'll leave me a comment, even if it is just to tell me to shut up and stop complaining. :) Love to you all, and thanks for listening to my whining and crying. Here, i'll leave you a link to a song that i just found on YouTube that makes me feel like i'm not alone in my outlook on religious people: