Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm Alright.... I Think

I've hit a depression... for no apparent reason. I really have no idea what is wrong with me. There are several things bothering me, but none of them should be big enough to throw me into this horrid mood. I never feel like doing anything. I never even feel like blogging--and that is strange for me! I'm constantly exhausted and irritable. If you don't mind the rant, i think i'll put down all the things that are bothering me and see if i can't figure out what my problem is.
First off, i can NOT live with roommate anymore. He's so fucking pathetic and lazy. All he ever does is come out of his room, mess something up, and go back to his room when he's not at work. Literally, 30 minutes after i clean ANYTHING he comes out of his room and messes it all up. I've gone on cleaning strike because i can't take that. It takes me an hour to clean something and it takes him 20 seconds to destroy that clean and be too lazy to do anything about it. I cleaned up a horrific coffee grounds mess this morning just so my daughter wasn't eating coffee grounds off the floor. What the fuck, dude? You live with a mobile baby who eats everything. The least you can do is try to clean up after yourself to protect her! And the worst part is if i say anything to him, he just denies that it was him. Hello, idiot, i KNOW it was you! Jesse cleans up after himself, and so do i, and i'm pretty sure Fate didn't make that mess. Ugh!
Second, like i said before, i'm going on a cleaning strike because i can't keep anything clean, so the apartment looks like shit. I'm feeling like a dirtball because my home is dirty, but i also feel like i can't do anything about it. I hate feeling helpless, which is exactly what this is doing to me.
Third, my parents are shoving God at me from 60-some miles away. Yeah, i gotta hand it to them, that's some skill, but it's also incredibly annoying. Here's where i stand on that: i believe in God, but i do not believe in religion. I think religion is all a bunch of hypocrites doing what they think they have to do to get to heaven, and hating every minute of it while trying to draw other people into their misery. (Ok, not all religion, but the religion my parents are all about. I guess it would be called "Baptist".) I'm sure that there are some people who truly believe in their religion, and honestly want to do what their religion calls for, and that's fine, but the majority of religious people i have met are hypocritical and judgmental, and i don't appreciate it at all. I don't like being looked at like i'm a terrible mother just because i have a couple tattoos and piercings. Stop judging a book by its cover, or at least be fair and judge your own damn book by its cover too. My parents called a pastor from a nearby church and he came and visited us (while the apartment needed cleaned, i might add, so i was rather embarrassed as his religious judgmental eyes looked all around) and invited us to his church, and offered us his fucking pity money since we're poor. Yeah, no thanks on both of those things, dude.  I feel judged and pressured to be someone i'm not because of this.
Fourth, since i am in this depressive state, i've been beating myself up about not being as good a mother as i know i could be. I feel like doing nothing, so i don't pay enough attention to my daughter. Granted, i do pay more attention to her than most parents my age do to their own kids, but i still just don't feel that it's good enough. I want to fix it, but i'm feeling so blah that i really don't even know how. Once again, i feel helpless.
Fifth, money money money. I hate it, but i need it to live. It's being extremely elusive right now. Jesse JUST got a job, which he starts on monday, so at least i won't be the only one bringing in money. Hopefully that will clear that issue up for me. I just feel so completely broke, and i hate feeling like i'm poor because i then feel like i should look like "trailer park trash". I'd rather die than look poor and dirty, but i feel like i should look that way because i feel poor.... if that made any sense.
Sixth, maybe i can blame it on being sick, but i've felt so exhausted and zombie-like the past week. It kind of feels like i'm on the outside of my body watching myself go about my daily life. And no, i'm not on any sort of drugs... but it kinda feels like i should be, just so i could explain why i feel this way. I don't understand it, and it's kinda freaking me out.
Seventh, chronic pain. It's been part of my life for quite some time now with no real explanation...well maybe if i had the money to get to a doctor there would be an explanation... The pain is depressing, and the depression is painful. Kind of an endless cycle there, and i hate it.
And eighth, Ana. Enough said there. I'm sure you all can understand how she affects everything without an explanation.
I don't think there's anything else that could possibly be contributing to my depression. I really don't even see why these silly little things would affect my depression, but i guess they are. If you have read to the end of this ridiculously long rant, i give you giant hugs, and hope you'll leave me a comment, even if it is just to tell me to shut up and stop complaining. :) Love to you all, and thanks for listening to my whining and crying. Here, i'll leave you a link to a song that i just found on YouTube that makes me feel like i'm not alone in my outlook on religious people:


  1. I love you, dear, you deserve better than this. And Fate is lucky to have you as a mother :)

  2. Well, I'm not a mother so I have no idea about things like that. But what I do know is that you need to look after yourself first. because if you are doing well, then your daughter will be doing well. I have no idea what the answer is, but I am here for you if you want to rant and cry. Also, there is no way of measuring your abilities as a parent, but I doubt, I highly doubt that you are anything less than a loving awesome mom. You just happen to have some issues, which you acknowledge. And yeah, I know what you mean about money. also not an easy question, but it will get better :) It has to. Xo

  3. You are so strong.

    I just found your blog a few days ago and have read it all the way through,and I feel like I know you as a friend. Depression sucks, but the fact you are there for your little girl is amazing. Please don't ever shut up. From somebody who is also suffering from depression, know that your words make me feel not so alone, and that may not sound like a whole lot, but it means the world to me.

  4. Part of it is the seasonal change. I always start to get worse as it gets darker.

    And lack of money makes everything suck. Ugh.

    And Baptists are crazy. :D

    Sending you good wishes.

  5. Damn, that is a massive pile of stuff to make you feel like shit! *Huggles* I hoped getting it out helped you feel a bit better *More hugs*

    1) Is he on the lease? Can you kick his bum ass out? It sounds like he's still used to having Mummy Dearest look after him, is this his first flat/ He seriously needs to pick his game up!

    2) Maybe your room and Fate's room can be your islands of cleanliness-sanity? The piggier my flatmates are the cleaner my room tends to be, lol!

    3) Damn that's a special talent! I wish it wasn't directed at you, though :( I seem to have only met christ-followers of the type you describe, unless they're Salvation Army. Sigh.

    4) You can recognise that you're doing it, which is good. Do little things, ok? I'm not a Mum so I don't know what >.< I do annoying Aunty things ^.^;

    5) Money is such a pain. I hope this job sticks and you guys can get your heads above water soon <3

    6) *Huggles*

    7) Oh man do I know what you're talking about. You need to get your ass to the doctors for that as soon as you have the money to. Or MAKE the money to do so. A few dollars every week until you have enough? I don't know how much doctors cost in the states.

    8) More hugs.

    You may like Tim Minchin, just a thought :p Dad got to see him life. Fucking BASTARD.

    Love you to bits <3

  6. Really enjoyed reading your blog...I spent a bit too much time going back. :p I never got the whole 'blogging' thing but I can see myself in your posts. I've struggled with Ana for years now and the only time I stopped was at 19 when I was pregnant. My daughter is 3 now and I can feel myself falling slave to her again. Guess you never can really get away. Best of luck to you and your beautiful family, bad just remember, the most important thing in the world is the love between mother and child, and your baby girl will always think you're the best thing no matter what the scale says.

  7. hey dear..*Hugs*..sometimes it doesn't need any single big reason to feel can be d most trivial of thngs..jamming together,driving us crazy..
    firstly about ur take on religion. u knw i totally agree wid u..its not wid Baptist only..i mean most of the religions be it hinduism.etc.etc,what do they really do? giving us a vague figure of 'God'..coiling infinite number of rituals around it..if u follow them ur 'Place' in heaven is insured..otherwise who d hell we r(accodng to them),absolutely non existent entity/sinner...they only divide.
    now coming to ur other is a very imp thng,no doubt..but u said that Jesse has got a new i thnk evrythng will get better in a while, patience.
    but i knw u cant hv patience as far as ur self centered ,stupid roommate is concerned..
    nd hey dnt ever thnk that u r an inadequate mother,u love her a lot,,we all hv sen ur beautiful pics wid Fate..all that special moments u share..u certainly is a doting mother..u r so young.
    & Ana..well, is there anythng to explain..ED thoughts..constantly knocking..whispering..i knw it can get really bad at times..but in my case,right nw,nothng else holds more importance than Ana$ ana plans..loosing weight is d only reason to feel motivated these days..
    Take Care dear..luv u..try to stay strong!!

  8. Hey girlie,
    You've got a lot on your plate right now, you're completely in your right to feel depressed. I've dealt with a lot of the same crap throughout my life and am currently in the same boat as far as the doubting my parental awesomeness. If you ever want to chat email me at
    Smile, hug your daughter and spit on your roomate's toothbrush ;)

  9. You roommate sounds like he needs a kick out the door. That's no way to behave when there's a baby in the house.

    I'm sorry about your parents. :/ I definitely sympathize with that. I'm pretty religious I guess, but my dad is like one of those uber-Christians and he always tries to make me feel like I'm doing it wrong. I hate that.

    I hope things get better for you. You have every right to feel depressed; you've got a lot of stressful things piling up. But you're strong, I think you can get through this to better days ahead. xoxoxo