Wednesday, October 17, 2012

There is no Black and White; it's all Grey

"But i don't want to be a skeleton!" i shouted as the argument elevated.
Ana remained so calm, and that pissed me off more than if she had screamed back at me. "Why would you not want to be beautiful? You've always worked so hard for beauty, and now you don't want it. What's up with that?"
"It's not beauty to be nothing but skin and bones!"
"You always agreed with me before that it was."
"Fuck off!"
She shook her head and waved her finger in the obnoxious admonishing way that she always did, as if she owned me and could always tell me what to do. "You don't want me to do that. You'd be so sad and lonely and fat without me."
She was right. I was terrified to be without her. I wanted her control over me because i didn't trust myself to have any control at all. But i couldn't let her know if she didn't know already. What a fool i was! "Please just leave me alone to think on it for a minute, ok?" It was the best answer i could come up with.
She smiled sweetly, making me even angrier. "Ok," she said, her voice dripping with sugar-coated honey, as she snatched the single piece of fudge i had been about to eat from me and bolted out the door with it.
I sat there alone, sulking and pondering over what to do.
It wasn't as if i had been eating badly. I hadn't binged in forever, and i wasn't eating very much junk food at all. It wasn't as if i had been eating exactly well (on Ana's terms anyway) either. I had been eating three small meals a day and sometimes a snack thrown in there somewhere. I had eaten a couple sweets here and there, but not to an excessive amount, but even a bite was an excessive amount according to Ana. I'd just been eating whatever i felt like whenever i was hungry, which was so much like eating "normally" that it scared the shit out of me, and i called Ana back in for help. The thing was, i didn't even know if i wanted her help, but i didn't know if i wanted to be without her help either. I took her help anyway, and for a week, we got along just fine. She only asked that i eat absolutely no sweets or chips and do a simple 20 minute yoga routine daily. I listened to her, and found myself losing weight that i didn't even care if i lost. (My main goal was just to maintain.) Then one day i looked in the mirror as i was changing and thought i looked sickly, disgustingly skinny. I got a sick thrill out of it, but at the same time, i decided i should probably gain a little bit of weight back, so i ignored Ana and began eating anything at all that i wanted. Then i noticed the tiny bit of weight coming back, and i hated it. I wanted rid of it, but simultaneously i wanted to keep it.
And that's where i was. No clue what i wanted or if i even wanted anything. Ana was angry with me, and i was upset with her. We loved each other still, but perhaps we shouldn't, like the married couple that does nothing but fight and fuck. I didn't know... I just didn't know...
So i buried my nose in Edgar Allen Poe, and tired to forget the world.


  1. Why the fuck Ana thinks grey, lanugo-furry skin and a shrunken brain are desirable I'll never know. Probably because her favourite accesories are NG tubes and hospital gowns and gucci coffins.

    Moderation is the thing she doesn't understand.

    I wish she'd bugger off and stop trying to steal you away from Fate.

    To save yourself gym fees the best places for home training and nutrition are and You'll be able to sweat yourself into some shape and strength in no time!

    One problem with training is your ass WON'T fall off-your builds gluteal muscles instead of having your body dissolve them to feed heart/brain/liver etc. Strong butt for KICKING BUTT! WOO YEAH! You'll have muscle curves instead of straight lines, and muscle weighs more than fat and need more energy to maintain itself. (Can you say METABOLISM BOOST?)

    Ok, off track now. Sorry! Sending you many hugs and lots of love <3

  2. P.S.
    Man that would be so cool. I'm horrible with kids though >.< I swear too much and would be a really bad example for Fate! Dye your hair blue, knit and ride a motorbike >.<

    I'm implementing the plan and it's fucking hard. The lollies make me feel so sick since I'm not used to that much sugar. Blech. This had better work!

    Why yes I am addicted to Cardboard Crack/M:TG. Why do you ask? XD YAY ANOTHER GIRL PLAYER! I taught Jaq to play but she moved to Australia D: We totally need to get together with our menfolk and have a girls vs boys match. What's your favourite colour? I swing blue/black or red. NecroNinja or flamethrower XD

    I had a talk with Miles and we're still going out but a breakup may be on the cards at some point. Gah I hate emotions and romance and stuff. Why is it so haaaaaaaaard? (You can tell I hate chick flicks)

    Lol, long-distance bromance? How the hell do you feminise 'bromance'? 'Homance' just sounds trashy -.-;

    Lol, unless you look like this, I sincerely doubt that you are a creeper

    Love <3

    1. Lol. All of that sounds kick-ass to me, although i'd prefer purple hair to blue hair. ;P Hubby and i really are trying to stop swearing so much for Fate's sake, but as for the rest of it, we're pretty laid back.
      Anything sweet always makes me feel sick too! I thought i was the only one! It tastes so good that i eat it anyway sometimes though...
      I prefer green or black. I've got a pretty impressive elf deck that is my pride and joy at the moment. Haha.
      Long distance .... ummm... yeah, we're just gonna have to go with "feminine bromance" because i've got nothing.
      :) Love those web-addresses you left for me. You. Are. Awesome.!

    2. I usually end up a blue/green colour, coz the bleach makes my hair yellow and when the blue starts washing out I look like a mermaid. I have no idea what purple would do. Hmmm going to have to mix it up a bit.

      Try using Hobbit-swears. "Blast and bebother" and stuff like that ^.^ Or Balderdash, bollox, blast it. Lots of explosive b-sounds to get the frustration out.

      Omg green/black elf decks are fucking EVIL. You officially scare me :p

      Sweet! Feminine bromance it is XD

      I've never seen Despicable me. MUST SEE IT NAO!

      Be aware that 'legit' workouts like the bodyrock ones will make you gain muscle weight and boost your metabolism which will make you hungrier. Pillage the food section of their website for Training Fuel, ok? Lol you can always play 'Benchpress Baby' with Fate like we used to do with L&L's baby girl XD I can actually hold Lauriespawn up for longer than his Mum can! (But he's going to be built like a brick shithouse when he grows up)

      When Ana tries to make you weak, tell her this:
      I'm training for the Zombie Apocalypse :p

      Lots of love and many hugs to you <3

  3. ugh! i hate ana! ive dropped 6lbs since saturday and im loving it, but what happens when i keep losing, will i ever be happy?

  4. This post was fantastic! Totally understand the horrible divide Ana brings in us - logically, you understand how bad or unattractive super skinny is, but Ana isn't logical.

    Love your blog, it has been really inspirational in starting up my own proana blog. I'd love you to check it out here:

  5. i've been in that place time and time again , not sure whether i want to live the ana life anymore . just spend a little time doing some introspection , look inside yourself and decide what you truly desire (and this might just be me , but from the sound of your post it really sounds like you just want to stay the weight you are and live a normal , happy , healthy life , but you know yourself better than i do) . when i was in that place i decided i was still too fat and not quite ready to walk away . but you're probably a lot stronger than i am ; you could probably stand on your own without ana's support and go about life just fine . and just remember , whatever you choose , we're all still here to support whatever life you want to lead , whether you walk with ana or not . i'm actually really proud of you for getting back to a "normal" eating pattern with the three meals and everything and maintaining your weight , i still freak out if i eat more than once a day and i'm still addicted to losing . so kudos to you , girly !! again , I'M PROUD OF YOUUU !!!!!! :)

    stay strong,