Sunday, June 27, 2010

Fitting Room

"Fuck," i said softly inside the fitting room, staring down at the pants that refused to button because of my thickness. "These should fit! They're a size 3... That's the size i usually get."
Ana rolled her eyes. "They don't fit because you ate lunch and have been doing that and much more for the past several weeks." She threw a size 5 at me. "If you're lucky those will fit you."
I caught the larger pants and tried them on. Even they were tight, but they did button. I sighed. "Should i go with a size larger?" i asked myself.
Ana shook her head violently. "Definitely not. First off, do you really want to tell the lady working here to bring you a larger size?"
I shuddered at the thought. "No."
"Right. And secondly, you are going to work hard and get that size 5 that's tight on you now to be entirely too big. They'll be your thinspiration for the time being."
I nodded. "Ok."
"What size?" Jacob asked me as i emerged from the fitting room.
For the first time ever, i glared at him. "Do NOT ask me that," i hissed, biting my lip to keep the tears from coming.
He looked a bit hurt, and i felt bad. He simply said, "Ok, baby. I'm sorry," and paid for them for me.
As soon as we were out of the store i said, "Do you know what i'm going to do now? I'm going to stop eating again. I can't handle this. I'm growing and growing and growing; it has to stop." Once again, i blinked back the tears.
"No," he said. "You promised me you wouldn't do that."
I felt bad... but Ana was muttering in my ear "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat," so i replied to him with, "I need to!"
"Honey, we can work out every day. I promise to work out with you every day. Just please, eat once a day. Please."
I sighed. He'd made that promise before, and it hadn't happened, but i couldn't not trust him, not with as honest and earnest as he sounded. "We'll try it," i conceded.
"Good enough, i guess," Ana said. "But you'd better make it work, because if you don't lose from this, you're going to stop eating!"

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sing With Me

"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-Eminem "I'm Not Afraid"

That man is a genius when it comes to writing incredible lyrics. I'm downloading some of his music to take along with me when i go for today's run right now, and i just found those lyrics suitable for what we do here on our blogs. We walk this road together and let each other know that we're not alone. That's what helps us not to be afraid.
Anyway, to update you all on what's happening with me... not a lot. I only ate one meal today, but it was the worst possible meal ever: 2 pieces of pizza and 1 breadstick. I know that is disgustingly fatty. I feel horrid for eating it, but it's what Jacob wanted for lunch, and i can't tell him no when he wants something. To top that off, it's just messing with my stomach so badly... I really feel like i'm going to be sick, but i can't make that happen. That seems to be the case no matter what i eat anymore though. Even last night, i ate an apple and thought that it was going to make me sick. What's wrong with me that's making that happen? Ugh! I just want it to stop.
Seriously, i want this whole disorder to stop. I wanna be able to eat like a normal person: eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, and not feel guilty about eating anymore. Jacob says that i could learn to control my mind and stop letting it control me, and then Ana would go away and leave me alone... But i really don't see how i could do that... Plus, half of me wants to hang onto Ana for dear life, despite the fact that i hate her sometimes.
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm just feeling kind of blah and don't have a clue as to why. I was perfectly fine earlier today, but then Jacob wanted to take a nap before he went to work because we stayed up all night last night. I wanted him to stay awake with me so i could spend that time with him, but he went to sleep, and i blew it out of proportion and felt rejected. Pathetic, clingy and controlling of me, huh? Now he's at work and a few of his friends are here... I should be hanging out with them, but instead, i'm feeling antisocial and hiding away from them. I'd rather be on here with you all because i know you understand me.
Ok, i'll shut up and not make ya'll listen to any more of my pathetic whining... I love you, and hope you're doing better than me. Stay strong, and as Eminem says, stay unafraid.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Random Update

I just put up my story-form post like 5 minutes ago.. but i've got so much other stuff to tell you all. Ok, it's not really a lot, but it's enough to get it's own separate post... i think. Wow, i'm indecisive, huh?
First off, i just wanted to tell you all that i love you very very much. You're comments made me feel better, even after i was all depressed in my last post. Especially Jillian-Amedee! You all are absolute angels that have all of my love.
Secondly, i'm going to give you all a quick update on how i've been doing as far as eating and exercise goes... which unfortunately, isn't the best... I'm sure if you compared how much i've been eating to what a "normal" person eats, i'd still have the upper hand, but i really have been being pretty weak these past two days. I eat small(ish) portions about three times a day, and the calorie intake is probably around 1,000 every day. That is ENTIRELY too much. I truly need to crack down and stop eating so much. Any tips or ideas on how to thinspire myself? And the exercise... has been completely neglected the past two days as well. Hopefully the fact that i got my old workout routine papers and my stability ball and weights from my parents' house today will get me more motivated in doing that daily now. I'd love to be strong and at least have a few muscles again since i've promised Jacob i'm not going to become skeletal. I felt so pathetic when i picked up the 5 lb weights and thought they were quite heavy. I just need to get back to doing at least 30 minutes of any kind of exercise every day and then bump that time up to an hour.
And lastly, i just needed to brag on my Jacob a little bit. Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary. Not a big time-marker, right? Not even something to be taken notice of by most people. BUT guess what he did! Guess! Go ahead, take a guess! Hehe. Have you guessed yet? Ok, i'll stop keeping you in suspense and tell you. He went to a work meeting that morning, and seemed to be taking forever, but when he came home, he had flowers and a card for me! :) Daisies (because i want a daisy tattoo) and purple carnations (because those are his favorite flowers in his favorite color) mixed with a bit of baby's breath and ferns. They're beautiful! And the card is so sweet. He even took the time to write a nice long note to me inside it. I was totally surprised by it, which made it all the better!
Oh! One last thing.. I really think i'm going to try to write a book, based on my story form blog entries. I get a lot of comments telling me that i should do that, and it's always been a dream of mine to get a book published. I'll do a bit of editing and perfecting and try to figure out a happy ending to put to it and then go around to publishers. What do you think? Should i really try that? Do i really have a chance? I wanna try... But am kinda scared of not actually getting it published. I also am not quite sure how to get it to publishers once i get it all perfected. Any tips on that?
Well, that's enough of my random rambling. I hope you all are doing well. Stay strong!

Large Underwear

I shuffled through the pile of completely disorganized clothes in frustration. "I can't find anything in this mess!" i grumbled. "Jacob, please help me fold and organize these soon."
"There's not really a point in that, hun," he replied. "They'll just get all messed up again in no time. Besides, it's really not that hard to find something in them."
I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Oh, really? Would you like to find me my red tank top then?"
He laughed. "Ok," he said, putting down his video game controller. "I'll find it for you."
I continued rooting through the clothes at his side. When i spotted something red, i snatched it up, only to glare at it in disgust. It was a pair of Jacob's sister's underwear--size large. "Ugh," i said as my face turned to a shade very much like that of the underwear. "Baby, does my ass really look big enough for those to be mistaken as mine?"
"Yes!" Ana chirped in triumphantly.
"I wasn't asking you," i told her.
Jacob shook his head. "No, sweetheart," he said gently. "Nothing about you looks big at all."
I wasn't sure if i believed him... I knew that i believed Ana though. "Then why did your mom put them in with my clothes when she was doing laundry if they don't look like they could be mine?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, love." He paused and got a teasing grin on his face. "Why don't you go ask her if your butt looks big?"
I rolled my eyes and playfully slapped his shoulder. "Oh, shush." Then i sobered and responded, "I'm sure she'd say it does... because it'd be the truth."
He got a frustrated look on his beautiful face, but still managed to patiently reply, "No, not the truth at all. I just wish you could see how beautiful you really are."
"But i'm not beautiful," i protested.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and held me close, red tank top search forgotten. "You really are."
Ana shook her head. "No, she's really not. She could be... if she'd stop eating. But that has yet to happen."

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Tears... Because of Water

"Oh my goodness. Look at yourself! You're a bloated whale!" Ana shouted at me.
"Shut up," i replied. "It's only from water. I haven't eaten a thing today."
She rolled her eyes. "Well then, you shouldn't drink so much water. Ever heard of water-weight?"
I looked down at the water bottle in my hand, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. "I have to give a urine sample for this stupid pre-employment drug test. I can't do that if i only drink as much as i normally do. You know i usually only pee like twice a day because i don't drink enough."
She snorted. "Actually, i believe you usually drink too much. Even what little bit you do drink adds water weight to you."
"Would you please, shut up! This is not the place to have an argument about stupid weight that doesn't even count for anything with you," i said softly from my seat in the testing facility. I'd been there for roughly 20 minutes, wasting the time of the poor woman working there because even after 3 bottles of water i didn't have to take a leak at all. "I'm usually madly dehydrated apparently," i said, continuing the argument i'd said i didn't want to have, "seeing how my body's hanging onto so much water that i feel like throwing up."
"Well throwing up would do you some good right now, seeing how bloated your disgusting stomach is!" Ana countered.
"Screw you," i said. "I'm gonna go try to pee again."
When i finally did manage to fill the cup to the line the lady testing me had indicated, she looked at me with sorrowful eyes. "Oh, honey, i'm so sorry. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, but i just looked at your form and you were supposed to be here within 24 hours of your employer telling you to. You're 4 hours later than that. I'm sorry, but i can't test you."
"Seriously? They never told me that," i replied, fighting back tears that threatened to come more from the thought that i did indeed look like a bloated whale from all the water i'd drank for nothing than the potential that now i wouldn't get the job.
"I'm sorry," the woman said. "I wish i would've looked at that before i put you through the trouble of drinking all that water."
I shook my head. "No, i'm the one that should be sorry for wasting your time." With that i raced out to my Jacob in the car, where i burst into tears.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asked in surprise.
My reply wasn't to tell him that i wasn't getting tested and that i probably wasn't getting the job. My reply was, "I've gained like 10 lbs in water weight and i look so fat and bloated."
He held me tight and tried to tell me that i looked no different than i did before i drank the water, tried to tell me that water weight didn't count for anything, tried to tell me that i was beautiful... But Ana countered everything he said with the truth, and i just kept crying.

**I didn't get the job... but i did get one that pays less than that one would have, so fortunately i'm not jobless, and i'm feeling a bit better now that i managed to pee off all of that water weight. However, i find it absolutely pathetic and ridiculous that it was drinking too much water that made me cry like an idiot... God help me and my disordered mind.**

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Progress and Love

"I'm hungry," i whispered.
"Shut up and just go to sleep," Ana shot back. "Hunger is a good thing."
Jacob looked up from the cards in his hand. "What'd you say, baby?"
I shook my head and put down one of the cards from my hand. "Nothing. I'm just getting sleepy. I think i wanna go to bed after this game."
"OK. You can do that. I think i'll stay up for a while and play a video game or something though," he replied.
"Good girl," Ana said, patting me on the back. She pointed to one of the cards i held. "This one will win you the game."
I smiled at her. "Thanks," i said.
She wrapped her arms around me. "Any time, sweetie. Especially since you've been doing so well with listening to me. I mean, sure, you're eating a bit more than i'd like, but none of it is bad food anymore. All fruits and veggies and a tad bit of chicken from time to time. You've even lost 3 pounds in 2 days, and you have finally found that adamant resolve to exercise every day and let nothing get in the way. I'm proud of you. I'm even happy with Jacob for helping you out with it a bit. He could do more of that helping... but i know that even the tiny bit he has done is more than anyone could ever expect."
I leaned into her embrace and played the card she'd showed me.
Jacob groaned and made a face in response to my card.
I giggled. "Sorry, love, but i gotta do my best to win."
He faked an angry scowl. "You'd best be planning to make it up to me somehow!"
"Will this do?" i asked, and circled my arms around his neck to kiss him.
He responded to my kiss and said, "Maybe if you give me about a million more of those."
I smiled. "I believe i can do that."
He returned the smile. "I love you so much."
"And i love you so much," i replied.
Ana's arms went around the both of us. "And somehow, i love you both."

Monday, June 21, 2010

Grocery Store Trip--And For Once, Not In a Bad Way

I'm feeling uncreative tonight, so ya'll are gonna have to deal with a non-story-form post. Sorry. But thank you all so much for your beautiful, uplifting comments. They truly make my day. I always smile to hear your encouraging words. I figured i'd reply to them all right here for once, just because i felt the need to respond to you.

Lacey-What kind of challenge would you like? I'm up for almost anything involving the workout thingy, but have made a promise to my Jacob that i won't count calories, so that can't be involved, but i always love a buddy and a challenge.
WannaBskinny-You think my posts are poetic? That's the hugest compliment ever! I'm in love with poetry.
Ana's Sarah- We shall both get there soon! Stay strong, and i will too.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-You leave some quite lovely comments yourself. You made me smile.
Gummy Bear-You're just a doll. :) I'm very glad to hear that you're not struggling in the same way that i am, and i'm also glad to hear that you enjoyed my blog anyway.

Anyway, as for what's going on with me, i'm doing insanely well. I'm actually pretty happy. The other day, Jacob did ask me what was wrong, and, as i threatened Ana, i told him the absolute truth. You all will never guess what this amazing man did in response. No, he didn't get mad. No, he was not frustrated. No, he was not even slightly upset. He took me to the grocery store--i know that sounds awful right there, but just wait, there's more--and bought me almost every single kind of fruit to be found there. He bought me a bunch of vegetables too. AND he told me that i don't have to eat red meat at all anymore. He's ok with me being insanely picky about what i eat, as long as i am eating something at least once a day. I found that incredible. I knew there was a reason i was in love with this man. Lol. But no, seriously, it's incredible. Today, he went walking with me for roughly 2 hours too. I know that's not the best of workouts, but hey, it's a glorious start, especially with him at my side.

I hope you all are doing well too. Stay strong, reach your goals, but most importantly, do your very best to be happy. I love you!!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fading Smile

I woke up feeling fatter than ever. Ana woke up next to me, prodding at the disgusting pudge that made up my stomach. "Tubby," she accused. "You just keep gaining."
I pushed her away and hurried into the bathroom, doing my best to not even look at the scale. It scared me to think what number i would see if i got up the courage to step on it after as much as i'd eaten yesterday. "My friends were making me eat," i told myself.
Ana rolled her eyes as she stood next to me. "Bullshit. They simply put the food on your plate. They didn't tell you that you had to eat any or all of it."
I frowned at her. "Rob did too! He put that second piece of pizza on my plate and said 'you have to eat that.' When i asked him why, he told me because i was skin and bones." I paused. "It made me smile... even though it was a lie."
"You're damn right it was a lie!" Ana replied. "You may have skin and bones, but the skin is dimpled with cellulite and the bones are covered up with fat."
I rushed away from the bathroom and back into the bedroom, hoping vainly to leave Ana behind as well as the scale as i crawled into bed beside my Jacob. He opened his beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning, gorgeous," he said.
"Good morning, love," i replied, unable to return the smile as Ana hissed in my ear that i was far from gorgeous.
He wrapped his arms around me and said with concern. "Why do you look so sad? I wanna see a smile."
I tried to smile, but failed. I blamed it on the cramps from my period causing me pain. But i was so tired of lying to him... "Tonight i'm going to tell him the truth if he asks me what's bothering me," i told Ana, who just rolled her eyes in response.
"I don't wanna go to work today," Jacob said, holding me tightly. "I hate work."
"Why?" i asked, a little bit shocked. "I thought you liked your job."
"I would if it didn't mean having to be away from you," he said.
Ana snorted from her place beside me. "I'd think it'd make him happy to get away from a fatty like you."
"Please leave me alone," i whispered to her.
She shook her head. "I'm not going to do that and let you keep getting fat. I love you too much." Then she began to softly sing the chorus to a song i loved, giving it all new meaning. "Fate fell short this time. Your smile fades in the summer. Place your hand in mine; i'll leave when i wanna." blink182 had never had such meaningful lyrics to me as they did just then.

**My new goal is to stop eating whatever whenever. I will eat ONLY once a day, and drink ONLY water unless i am parched and there is no option of water--which, most likely, will not ever happen! I also will start working out every single day with no exceptions or excuses of any sort. I MUST get back to truly being skin and bones.**

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Rude People Only Tell the Truth

"Wake up with me!" i said, playfully kissing Jacob's closed eyes.
He opened one eye a crack and said, "I'm awake."
I laughed. "No, you're not. Wake up with me. I gotta walk to the post office and get this bill in the mail."
"You could drive there," he said through a yawn.
I shook my head. "No need to waste the gas like that. It's less than half a mile. Come walk with me."
His turn to shake his head. "I don't wanna walk, baby girl. It's gonna be hot... and i wanna sleep."
Once again i laughed. "All right then, go back to sleep and be ready to wake up with me when i get back."
He mumbled something incoherent as was his tendency when he was half asleep and kissed my lips. "Love you."
"And i love you," i replied and headed out the door.
As i walked along, i looked down at the ground, but got distracted by my fat, white, jiggly thighs. "What was i thinking, wearing short shorts?" i growled to myself. "Maybe i'm glad Jacob isn't here to see this disgusting jiggling mess of fat."
Ana nodded as she appeared beside me. "They do wobble with every step, don't they? You need to get some daily exercise and not eat so much."
I sighed and tried to ignore her as i finished my trip to the post office. On the way back home, i heard a sarcastic voice say, "Here comes a hottie!" Its owner smirked as he waved his hand in my direction.
"Oh, dude..." his companion groaned softly, putting his head in his hands after looking at me.
I did my best to keep my chin up as i walked past the both of them, and once they were out of sight, i sprinted the rest of the way to the house, hoping that i wouldn't encounter any other people at all.
"They had a perfect reason to mock you, fatty," Ana said as i opened the door and blinked back a few tears.
"Shut up," i responded and headed back to the bedroom where Jacob was.
I didn't say a word as i crawled under the covers next to him, hoping he'd stay asleep and not see my pain, but his beautiful eyes opened and his arms wrapped around me. "What's wrong, gorgeous?"
I cringed at that pet-name that i knew had to be a lie and shook my head. "No, i'm fine."
He frowned. "You sure?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
"Ok," he replied, but the worried look didn't leave his face. His hands moved gently over my back and sides.
I buried my head in the pillow and prayed that he didn't touch the disgusting fatness of my stomach. "I'm going back to sleep," i said, fighting to hide my hurt from him. This was not an experience i wanted to share with him.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


My fingers trembled as i reached into the refrigerator; Ana helped the trembling by smacking them as hard as her petite, bony hands could. "Would you stop?" i asked her. "I haven't eaten anything yet today."
"But are you hungry?" she asked.
My gaze fell to the floor. "I... It's just..."
She shook her head. "That's what i figured."
C crept into the kitchen and stood next to me. "Oh, Ana, please. This girl is stressed out," she defended me, reaching for the luncheon meat and Miracle Whip.
I nodded. "That's true. I don't know if i'm going to be able to pay all of my bills on time. And Jacob has his fine payments coming up too. We're so short on money it's ridiculous."
Ana just stared skeptically without saying a word as C and i both put together a sandwich.
"On top of that, her Jacob needs a couple teeth out so badly that it's infecting the rest of his body," C chipped in. "They need the money for that too. And she's tired of not having any organization to her clothes, feeling like she always looks mismatched and blah."
"And i feel as if Jacob's sister who lives with us really dislikes me. She's always looking at me with this 'i'm better than you' look on her face even though i've never done anything to make her feel that way."
"Enough of the excuses! Stress is no reason at all to eat." Ana shouted at both of us. "You," she screamed, pointing her finger at C, "get out! I told you to never come close to Jo again."
C whimpered. "I was only going to have her eat a single sandwich, not a full-out binge," she defended herself.
"Out!" Ana insisted. C obeyed with a disappointed look and a tiny wave in my direction. I waved back. "And you!" Ana's finger was in my face now. "You'd better eat nothing more than that stupid sandwich today."
"You're as moody as i am," i muttered and bit into my sandwich, half hoping she'd hear me, and half hoping she wouldn't.
But she heard; she always heard. "It's your fault," she hissed. "If you'd stop eating, i'd be perfectly happy--and so would you!"
I nodded. "I know... I'm tired of eating... but i'm tired of not eating..." I looked her straight in her angry eyes. "I'm tired of not knowing what to do!" And then i burst into tears.


I been so moody lately... I'll be happy one second, sad the next, and then after that i'll be mad. What in the world?! Last night i was even slightly bitchy with Jacob when all he was trying to do was be funny. Somehow his attempt at humor made me annoyed. I apologized right afterwards because i felt so bad about it, and he said he didn't mind and that i wasn't bad at all. But seriously, the tiniest things make me so annoyed. Even now, i'm getting annoyed as people make a huge fuss over Jacob's year-old niece. She's always here; it's not like it's a treat, people. But how is that annoying to me? Ugh! Shoot me now.
I'll post better later. Just too moody at the moment. Sorry...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Selfish Me...

I don't want to eat... but i do... Do you all feel that way too? I'll go all day without eating a thing, enjoying the hunger pangs that keep me going, and then Jacob comes home from work and offers me some food. He never insists that i have to eat it. He's more or less OK with me not eating anything all day as long as i'm not hungry, and usually by the time he asks me, i'm not feeling the hunger anymore. It's not that he likes it or fully approves, but he knows that sometimes i'll just start crying because i ate something, and he hates that more than seeing me being ridiculously happy from not eating for a while. Regardless of the fact that he never forces me to eat, 9 times out of 10 i eat... and then i hate myself for it. The food enters my mouth and i feel worthless as i chew for giving in to my stupid eating desires, and yet, that doesn't stop me from continuing to eat. I eat as much as a person without an eating disorder probably eats for one of their meals, and even though that's all i eat until the next time the next day, Ana insists that that is too much. Together, she and i pinch the fat on my stomach and say that i am far too fat to have eaten at all. Jacob, however, is happier when i do eat. I love making him happy, but i hate having to make myself and Ana miserable to do so. It just seems to me like a no-win situation. I know, i sound like a selfish bitch. Anyone else would gladly eat to make the one they love happy... but i struggle between that and making myself and my disorder happy.
Last night while Jacob was asleep, i pinched my fat so hard i thought it might leave a bruise and silently cried. I'd eaten a 6-inch sub sandwich and a few chips a few hours before we went to bed. That was all i'd eaten all day, but i felt like it was far too much for a fatty like me. When he woke up and saw my tears, i told him it was because my hip was hurting intensely from the accident... I felt like a liar, even though my hip hurt like hell, because that wasn't what had started the tears; it was just what made them keep coming. We were spending the night at our friends' house, so he insisted that we gather up all our things and come home so i could get my pain-meds after his massaging my hip only made it hurt more. It was so sweet of him... He's so perfect; he deserves much better than a lying, selfish, fat girl like me... But once again, my selfishness comes out, and i will never, ever let go of him.
Am i as horrid of a person as i feel that i am? How can i stop Ana? I want rid of her... but at other times i want to hang on to her as if she were my life. How can i stop being deceitful to Jacob? I know i could tell him the truth all the time, but it would upset him to know that Ana still has such a grip on me, and sometimes, it would cause him to make me eat. Ugh, i hate this! I need help... but do i want it? No, i'm too selfish and worthless...
My new blog background is based on the fact that this eating disorder--or any eating disorder--is hell. The flames of hunger for food and the sparks of hunger for hunger surround the one who has the disorder, burn her, and singe her clothes and hair beyond repair. Should they not have fully consumed and killed her by now? No, that would be far too kind... Instead they will last and torment her for all of eternity.
We have a new girl joining us in our community. Blogging about her hellish experiences as well as the rest of us. Her name is Blake. Go check out her lovely blog and support her in her attempts to make it through this hell happily. We all know how much support from others helps; give some out if you have a kind heart.
Sorry about the depressive post... Don't let it get you down. Remember that i love you all so much. Stay strong. I know we can find a way to get through this happily if we just keep trying to.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Random Stuff

I got a lot of questions in my comments on my last post, so i figured i'd just devote this post to answering them and giving a few little updates on myself.
Well, i'm sure ya'll remember the last post where i let myself decide whether i would eat or not while Jacob was at work without listening to either him or Ana. I did end up eating something--but it was not a lot and not unhealthy. I ate a bowl of potato soup. And that was that. I'm half proud, half ashamed, but it's alright either way.
And yes, Jacob definitely loves me. The other day and even for a little while this morning, i was being clingy and moody and ridiculous, but he stuck by me and did his very best to make me feel better. I don't know how he puts up with me. Lol. But he does, and he does so very well.
As for which dress i choose for the wedding, it's the one we have to buy. It's just so beautiful and i've wanted it so much since i first laid eyes on it. Perhaps it's just me being selfish... but i want it too much not to get it. Besides, it's not like it's super expensive anyway. Jacob's outfit is more expensive than mine, so i don't feel bad at all.
The wedding, Jacob tells me, should be by the end of next month. We'll both be working by then, so it should be no problem to get the bills paid and get our outfits... I'm not positive we'll be able to do it that soon though. I mean, our outfits put together are going to cost a good chunk of change. I'm guessing the middle of the month after that, but maybe that's just my pessimism, and Jacob is right. I hope so! I can't wait to not hear people say "he's not your husband yet" when i refer to him as my husband.
... Now for bad news... My weight has gone up 3 pounds in the past 2 days... I half blame that on the fact that i've just been eating as hunger tells me to and not as Ana tells me to, and i half blame it on the fact that i've been taking pain killers for the aches that have stuck with me after the accident. (Pain killers are notorious for causing constipation... which is exactly what they're doing to me right now. Why?! There's no happy medium! I'm either unable to stop pooping or unable to poop. ...Sorry for that too much info.)
Anyways, i hope you all are doing well. I really do love you so very very much. Stay strong, my dears. We'll all be beautiful somehow, someday.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Decision Making...

"I'm hungry," the words slipped out of my mouth before i could stop them.
"Wow, baby, i've never heard you say that before!" with a surprised smile was Jacob's response.
Ana's response was simply smacking me as hard as she possibly could.
"I didn't just say that though," i said swiftly, burying my face in Jacob's shoulder and praying that our friends hadn't heard my confession of weakness. "Ugh, kill me..."
He shook his head at those last words, but said nothing, not wanting to embarrass me in front of his friends that i'd just met any more than i'd already done to myself. "Give me a couple minutes and we'll go home and find something to eat," he told me.
"No," Ana hissed at him. "Feeding this fat girl is definitely unnecessary." But only i heard her; he never could hear what she had to say... and if he did, i'm sure he would have killed her.
I nodded, and Ana made sure i wasn't rushing him. It was 4:45, and he had to leave for work at 5:30. If we waited long enough, Ana would be satisfied and there would be no time to eat when we got home. Her wishes were fulfilled.
We made it home at 5:25, and Jacob hurriedly got together his work clothes. As he kissed me goodbye, he said, "Promise me you'll eat something today?"
I shook my head. "What? We're low on groceries around here. There's really nothing to eat."
"Mom just went to the store. She'll come back with something you can eat, i'm sure."
Ana shook her head more violently than i had. "No eating! Another fast day will do you some good." she told me.
"What if i just wait for you to get home from work?" i asked Jacob.
His beautiful brow furrowed up in a frown. "At 12:30? That doesn't count as today. That's tomorrow."
I shrugged. "There's just a lot of signs that i'm not supposed to eat today."
He rolled his eyes and kissed me again. "Sweetheart, that's not at all what all of this means." I gave him my sad eyes, and he sighed. "Ok, i'm not going to make you promise to eat... but i would like it if you did."
I smiled softly. "Thank you, love."
Ana kissed his cheek. "Yes, dearest, you are the best!"
I made no promise to eat to Jacob, nor did i make a promise to not eat to Ana. The choice was mine alone. It felt good to have a decision to make alone for once.

**This decision has yet to be made... Hopefully i'm strong enough to decide on the best option**

Saturday, June 5, 2010

How Ana Got A Hold of Me

I'm currently reading Marya Hornbacher's book Wasted for the third time through. I find it so crazy how much of myself and my own situations i find in her telling of herself and her situations, yet somehow it's comforting to me to see that someone else experienced exactly what i went through and what i am still going through. But that's not what i wanted to say with this post.
This is. Just a few minutes ago i came across a few paragraphs that i'm almost posative explains in a nutshell why i turned to Ana, and for some reason i found it incredible to finally have at least some small, posssible--or should i say probable--explanation for how Ana got a hold of me. I also felt the absolute need to share it with all of you. I jumped up from my comfy spot on the couch and shot to the computer with my book in hand, looking like some lunatic, i'm sure, just so i could type it out and let you all know because i've always shared everything with you, and i know you're actually interested in me and that you do love me, so of course, i must share my huge discovery with you. Anyways, here they are:

"An environment that supports autonomy, quoth the shrinks, will foster a greater sense of self-esteem, of self-determination, of separateness from other people--in short, if your family assumes that you are capable of doing things yourself, you will internalize that assumption and act accordingly. You will develop a firm sense of self, a belief in your own capability. Whereas if you grow up in a controlling environment, where your ability to make decisions and act independently is constantly being undermied, you are likely to internalize a deep level of self-doubt and 'develop a sense of self-worth contingent upon extrinsic rewards and the evaluation of others.'
Too often the shrinks assume an eating disorder is a way of avoiding womanhood, sexuality, responsibility, by arresting your physical growth at a pubescent state. But more recently, some insightful people have noticed that some of us may be after something quite different, like breathing room, or, crazy as it sounds, less attention. Something like power. An eating disorder appears to be a perfect response to a lack of autonomy. By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to which other people can access your brain, your heart. .... The shrinks have been paying way too much attention to the end result of eating disorders--that is, they look at you when you've become utterly powerless, delusional, the center of attention, regressed to a passive, infantile state--and they treat you as a passive, infantile creature, thus defeating their own purpose. This end result is not your intention at the out set. Your intention was to become superhuman, skin thick as steel, unflinching in the face of adversity, out of the grasping reach of others. 'Anorexia develops when a bid for independance on the part of the child has failed.'...."

Reading that just amazed me... It seems to perfectly describe me and my cause for wanting Ana so very much. My parents were controlling and didn't let me make my own decisions for the longest time. In fact, if i was still living with them, i guarantee i would not be allowed to make some of my own decisions even now, regardless of the fact i am legally an adult. Since i'm out of their home, i even still have issues making my own decisions about anything, and you all know i have very much self-doubt. I've always wanted to become that superhuman with skin thick as steel too... That control certainly had a powerful effect on me! Who would have thought i would react like that.
Marya's reason for her disorder is just the same as mine. We were put under too much control, so we had to create our own control. I really do feel truly enlightened just by knowing why i wanted Ana and why i still do. That control had such a lasting effect on me that even though i am now able to make all of my own decisions, i still cling to that one thing that was the first for me to fully control.

Wow... I ramble, don't i? Haha. Hope you all don't mind. I love you!

Please Excuse My Excuses

"When Jacob goes to work, you have to go running!" Ana's words split through the silence of the air. "Stop slacking. Stop being so lazy."
I groaned. "But it's so hot outside..." i whined. "And the blisters i have already are killing me. I don't want to make them worse and get more."
"Would you please just stop arguing with me? Just for a moment? Just for one fucking thing?! Seriously, everything i tell you to do you find millions of reasons not to do it. Why can you not listen to me about even one simple thing?"
I hung my head. She was right... I couldn't eat as little as she wanted me to because of all the excuses i came up with not to. I couldn't count my calorie intake anymore because i'd promised Jacob i wouldn't. I couldn't do strength training exercises because i didn't have a routine or equipment. I couldn't run because... i was so stupid and lazy. I hadn't run the last time Jacob went to work, and now here i was again trying to get out of it.
"All you do is sit around in front of the TV or reading a book or cuddling with your Jacob or sleeping. You never get any exercise, and yet you eat every time you're hungry or are offered something you think looks good." She paused and put a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Sweetie, what has gotten into you? There's something wrong with you that you don't listen to a word i say anymore."
"I do listen!" i countered. "...I just don't follow instructions... I'm sorry, Ana. I'll do better. I promise. I'm only going to eat once a day from now on, and i'm going to run every time Jacob goes to work... and i'll even try to get some equipment together so i can strength train."
She nodded. "Good. That's more like it. Now go get your running shoes and let's take off."

Friday, June 4, 2010

Hold Me Away From Her

The music played softly from the speakers on the computer monitor, filling up my heart with its lovely sound. "So beautiful," i whispered. "I wish that i could be even half as beautiful as that music."
"You could be if you didn't eat more than what i tell you you may," Ana smirked.
"You're far more beautiful than anything else in this world, my love," Jacob said, wrapping his strong (but slender) arms around my all-too-large waist.
"Oh shush," i told the both of them, believing Ana as i wished to believe Jacob.
"I mean it!" they said simultaneously.
I ignored Ana and asked Jacob, "How can you think i'm beautiful even though you can see my pudge?" I pinched the excess of my stomach just to prove my point.
His hand moved over my stomach, pushing my own hand away. "Stop that. There is no pudge."
"Lies," i retorted. "I know you can feel it."
He shook his head and looked me in the eye. "I would never lie to you, and you know it. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You'd see the most beautiful creation in this entire world. " His glorious brown eyes held nothing but truth.
"I wish i could too... And i wish Ana could as well."
He smiled with a hint of sadness, but kissed my lips with all the love in the world. "I'm going to find a way to make that happen somehow, sweetheart. I really am."
Ana snorted mockingly, but i clung to him as if my life depended upon it. "Just hold me," i whispered to him. "Hold me away from her."
She rolled her eyes and left the room. "I heard that," she said as she went through the door. "But don't worry. I'm not hurt; i know you'll be back to me soon as you always are."
I blinked back tears. How could she say i always came back when no matter how much i wanted to i never, ever left her in the first place?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Phobias Collide

My breath came in short gasps as my feet pounded against the pavement. A car drove past me, blowing a nice breeze of cool air into my red face. The music from my iPod filled my ears as pain filled my legs. "I hate this!" i said between heavy breaths. "I'm going to get shin splints, and i know i've got blisters."
Ana rolled her eyes from her position beside me. "Weakling," she muttered. "How are you so out of breath so easily? It's not that hard to run."
I shook my head and slowed down to a walk. "My lung collapsed in that car accident, remember? It is hard to keep my breath, and running is something i've always hated."
"Would you just shut up? I'm so sick of your constant whining and weakness. We've only been out here for 15 minutes. Come on!" She got behind me and gave me a push. "Run!"
I reluctantly obeyed. Running was not fun, no matter how much i told myself it was. I hated it, no matter how much i told myself i loved it. I didn't want to do it, no matter how much i told myself i did... but it was really the only weight-loss related thing i could do. I didn't have my weights, stability ball, or resistance band to do strength training exercises, and walking certainly didn't count as an exercise, so i had to run. It wasn't a choice. Even my own mind sided with Ana in this area.
A gypsy moth caterpillar crept its way across the road in front of me, and i grimaced but kept running. (Caterpillars were my worst fear.) When i saw the second caterpillar, i was prepared to turn back toward home, but Ana stopped me with these words, "Which are you more afraid of, caterpillars or that fat on your torso?"
I shivered and carefully thought it over. Both were terrifying to me, but finally i answered her. "Fat," i said.
"Then keep running, and don't start your stupid crying just because of these hairy little worms."
I nodded, blinked back the tears and pressed on for another hour and a half.

**Thank you all so very much for you lovely comments on my last post. I was feeling so down, but ya'll made me smile so much. I love you!**

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Careless People Say They Love You

I'm feeling a bit down, so do forgive me as i give a bit of a rant on how i don't feel loved by most everyone in this world...
It really feels like my parents don't much care about me. When they found my blog, they got mad at me for drinking and smoking and having sex, but barely mentioned the eating disorder. You'd think that they'd be concerned that i was barely eating and that was what i wanted. I mean, that's supposedly unhealthy, right? The only thing they got mad about that had to do with the eating disorder was that i'd lied to them about what i ate from time to time. They never said i needed help in that area or anything... They didn't mention the cutting at all either.. I try to tell myself that that's just because they really didn't know how to handle it, but it seems so much more like a sign that they don't care about my physical or mental health at all. I sort of believe my mom when she says she loves me, but in all honesty, i really don't believe my dad at all. My dad doesn't want me to be with Jacob even though he's the only reason i stopped drinking, cutting, smoking, and am trying to stop Ana, and my mom just follows what my dad says... I don't understand that. How can they love me if it would make them happy to take the one thing that makes me happy away from me?
My pastor and his wife were the ones who found my blog and passed the address onto my parents. I really don't believe they cared much either. They wanted to talk to me about it, but all that they talked about was the alcohol and sex. Sure, as soon as "blog" was mentioned, i began to tell them that the eating disorder was not a problem, but they instantly agreed with me. It was fine with them that Ana was taking over my life. I just needed to not have sex and not drink. As long as that happened, eating nothing was perfectly fine. In fact, as i went to walk out the door after talking with them about it, my pastor's wife decided to make a nice little joke. "Don't eat too much at lunch," she said. I fake-laughed and tried to ignore it, but it cut deeply. It was just proof that i was far too fat.
Now, as i live with Jacob and his family, his mom seems to constantly think that he's being rude to her even though that's the last thing he ever wants to do. It's probably because all of her other kids are always rude to her and using her for money, but Jacob never has been, nor will he ever be. Somehow, i blame myself for that situation and believe that if i wasn't here, she'd be just fine with him. It's just that she doesn't like me. She seems to like me to my face, but i really don't know... Everyone who lives here is constantly being hateful to everyone else who lives here, and it really gets annoying to see people just longing to hurt each other. It gets me in depressive moods just to hear the constant yelling about any little thing. I know it's senseless to blame myself for any of that, but it's how i work anyway.
Last part of the rant right here, i promise: Jacob. No, i don't believe for a minute that he doesn't love me just as i am. I know he does... Just yesterday, he hurt me for the first time. I was catching up on reading and commenting all of your blogs, and he was by my side, reading a bit of what i read and all of what i said. I trust him enough to let him be with me as i read and comment and post because i know he's not going to be disrespectful of me or of any of you. But yesterday, he criticized me for some of my comments. "Why do you encourage them in not eating?" he asked. "You yourself have admitted that it's not healthy, and you're trying to stop. You said that you wished they could quit as well, so why encourage it to go on?" I did my best at explaining to him, but he really didn't listen. Then he said, "If they wanna get skinny quickly, just tell them to take some crystal meth... or crack would work as well." I refuted that with, "I love them i don't what them messed up in any of that crap." His reply was, "How can you love them and encourage their slow suicide by hunger." I almost cried. He doesn't understand even though he says he does... But i didn't tell him he hurt me. I knew he didn't mean to, and it would hurt him to know that he'd hurt me so i acted as if nothing at all was wrong. Still, it hurt...
Sorry about the whining, everyone. Hopefully my next post will be much more worth reading... I love you all who have had the patience to read through all of this with all of my heart. Stay strong, you beautiful people who i know really do love me.