Saturday, June 12, 2010


My fingers trembled as i reached into the refrigerator; Ana helped the trembling by smacking them as hard as her petite, bony hands could. "Would you stop?" i asked her. "I haven't eaten anything yet today."
"But are you hungry?" she asked.
My gaze fell to the floor. "I... It's just..."
She shook her head. "That's what i figured."
C crept into the kitchen and stood next to me. "Oh, Ana, please. This girl is stressed out," she defended me, reaching for the luncheon meat and Miracle Whip.
I nodded. "That's true. I don't know if i'm going to be able to pay all of my bills on time. And Jacob has his fine payments coming up too. We're so short on money it's ridiculous."
Ana just stared skeptically without saying a word as C and i both put together a sandwich.
"On top of that, her Jacob needs a couple teeth out so badly that it's infecting the rest of his body," C chipped in. "They need the money for that too. And she's tired of not having any organization to her clothes, feeling like she always looks mismatched and blah."
"And i feel as if Jacob's sister who lives with us really dislikes me. She's always looking at me with this 'i'm better than you' look on her face even though i've never done anything to make her feel that way."
"Enough of the excuses! Stress is no reason at all to eat." Ana shouted at both of us. "You," she screamed, pointing her finger at C, "get out! I told you to never come close to Jo again."
C whimpered. "I was only going to have her eat a single sandwich, not a full-out binge," she defended herself.
"Out!" Ana insisted. C obeyed with a disappointed look and a tiny wave in my direction. I waved back. "And you!" Ana's finger was in my face now. "You'd better eat nothing more than that stupid sandwich today."
"You're as moody as i am," i muttered and bit into my sandwich, half hoping she'd hear me, and half hoping she wouldn't.
But she heard; she always heard. "It's your fault," she hissed. "If you'd stop eating, i'd be perfectly happy--and so would you!"
I nodded. "I know... I'm tired of eating... but i'm tired of not eating..." I looked her straight in her angry eyes. "I'm tired of not knowing what to do!" And then i burst into tears.


  1. Money. Gross. I wish it would all burn.

    I wish I could help. Hang in there, you aren't alone

  2. I can totally understand the being-moody-thing. It happens from time to time and you just don't know whats going on with you... I'm sorry to hear that you feel... confused (i dont know how to put it) and that you don't know what to do. Maybe some distraction would be good to get your head all clear and sorted? Hope you feeling better today, stay strong, beautiful! :)

  3. I feel like that all the time... I eat when I'm not hungry, and don't eat when I am hungry... so weird.... however it was really difficult to read this post with the new background. I had to highlight it. Just thought I'd let you know. :) Things will get better I promise... maybe not right away but they will. And I will be here supporting you every step of the way.

  4. I can so relate to this internal struggle. The only difference is the conversation involves me, mia, and ana. I love reading your blog because of your creative and awesome way of expressing you struggle. Stay strong babe <3 <3

  5. I really enjoy reading your blog, you are an excellent writer.
    I'm sorry about the trouble your dealing with! Money issues are always very stressful, and it's hard to not let that effect your eating. Hope everything works out for you.
    Stay Strong.

  6. I love you! You are so amazing my dear. I have completely missed reading your blog. But, I'm back!!! And I know you are super busy, but I think we should definitely keep in touch. My e-mail is, or you can always comment me. We both live in pa, so maybe I could meet the beautiful you? You are so lovely. Thank you for all of the support. :))))))))))))))) lovely lovely little thing!


  7. Thanks for your comment :)
    Hope everything is fine with you? Havent seen a new blog post in the past few days from you...
    stay strong! :)

  8. Completely unrelated, I found this:
    And felt like I had to get it to someone in this little circle. Because its exactly the kind of insanity we fall for.

  9. beautiful writing

    what does C stand for?

  10. i am also confused as to who C is?