Friday, June 11, 2010

Selfish Me...

I don't want to eat... but i do... Do you all feel that way too? I'll go all day without eating a thing, enjoying the hunger pangs that keep me going, and then Jacob comes home from work and offers me some food. He never insists that i have to eat it. He's more or less OK with me not eating anything all day as long as i'm not hungry, and usually by the time he asks me, i'm not feeling the hunger anymore. It's not that he likes it or fully approves, but he knows that sometimes i'll just start crying because i ate something, and he hates that more than seeing me being ridiculously happy from not eating for a while. Regardless of the fact that he never forces me to eat, 9 times out of 10 i eat... and then i hate myself for it. The food enters my mouth and i feel worthless as i chew for giving in to my stupid eating desires, and yet, that doesn't stop me from continuing to eat. I eat as much as a person without an eating disorder probably eats for one of their meals, and even though that's all i eat until the next time the next day, Ana insists that that is too much. Together, she and i pinch the fat on my stomach and say that i am far too fat to have eaten at all. Jacob, however, is happier when i do eat. I love making him happy, but i hate having to make myself and Ana miserable to do so. It just seems to me like a no-win situation. I know, i sound like a selfish bitch. Anyone else would gladly eat to make the one they love happy... but i struggle between that and making myself and my disorder happy.
Last night while Jacob was asleep, i pinched my fat so hard i thought it might leave a bruise and silently cried. I'd eaten a 6-inch sub sandwich and a few chips a few hours before we went to bed. That was all i'd eaten all day, but i felt like it was far too much for a fatty like me. When he woke up and saw my tears, i told him it was because my hip was hurting intensely from the accident... I felt like a liar, even though my hip hurt like hell, because that wasn't what had started the tears; it was just what made them keep coming. We were spending the night at our friends' house, so he insisted that we gather up all our things and come home so i could get my pain-meds after his massaging my hip only made it hurt more. It was so sweet of him... He's so perfect; he deserves much better than a lying, selfish, fat girl like me... But once again, my selfishness comes out, and i will never, ever let go of him.
Am i as horrid of a person as i feel that i am? How can i stop Ana? I want rid of her... but at other times i want to hang on to her as if she were my life. How can i stop being deceitful to Jacob? I know i could tell him the truth all the time, but it would upset him to know that Ana still has such a grip on me, and sometimes, it would cause him to make me eat. Ugh, i hate this! I need help... but do i want it? No, i'm too selfish and worthless...
My new blog background is based on the fact that this eating disorder--or any eating disorder--is hell. The flames of hunger for food and the sparks of hunger for hunger surround the one who has the disorder, burn her, and singe her clothes and hair beyond repair. Should they not have fully consumed and killed her by now? No, that would be far too kind... Instead they will last and torment her for all of eternity.
We have a new girl joining us in our community. Blogging about her hellish experiences as well as the rest of us. Her name is Blake. Go check out her lovely blog and support her in her attempts to make it through this hell happily. We all know how much support from others helps; give some out if you have a kind heart.
Sorry about the depressive post... Don't let it get you down. Remember that i love you all so much. Stay strong. I know we can find a way to get through this happily if we just keep trying to.


  1. hey,
    thanks for the lovley comments...
    i feel like i have a love hate relationship with ana... i guess we all have that.

  2. I know it may be hard, but you have to be able to be strong enough for yourself. By yourself. As much as possible. I was a leech for two years, never being stable.
    Even now I am slipping
    But I do not want to leech to my current b/f. I want to marry him, and I want us to have a good relationship. If my ED puts a hold on that, than so be it.
    I love you, just remember! Feel better

  3. i hear you. i'm the same way sometimes. hang in there, darling.


  4. Hey, I know exactly what you're talking about. Avoiding food all day long, feeling great about that, hardly even feeling hungry anymore, having someone offer you some food, and you somehow, seemingly beyond your own will, say "Yes." I know it's hard and it always sucks.
    But I know you can get through this, we all have faith in you. Good luck!

  5. I know you'll be able to work through this. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do, but everything will sort itself out. It's also really cool you picked that dress. You're going to make such a beautiful bride.