"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-Eminem "I'm Not Afraid"
That man is a genius when it comes to writing incredible lyrics. I'm downloading some of his music to take along with me when i go for today's run right now, and i just found those lyrics suitable for what we do here on our blogs. We walk this road together and let each other know that we're not alone. That's what helps us not to be afraid.
Anyway, to update you all on what's happening with me... not a lot. I only ate one meal today, but it was the worst possible meal ever: 2 pieces of pizza and 1 breadstick. I know that is disgustingly fatty. I feel horrid for eating it, but it's what Jacob wanted for lunch, and i can't tell him no when he wants something. To top that off, it's just messing with my stomach so badly... I really feel like i'm going to be sick, but i can't make that happen. That seems to be the case no matter what i eat anymore though. Even last night, i ate an apple and thought that it was going to make me sick. What's wrong with me that's making that happen? Ugh! I just want it to stop.
Seriously, i want this whole disorder to stop. I wanna be able to eat like a normal person: eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, and not feel guilty about eating anymore. Jacob says that i could learn to control my mind and stop letting it control me, and then Ana would go away and leave me alone... But i really don't see how i could do that... Plus, half of me wants to hang onto Ana for dear life, despite the fact that i hate her sometimes.
Sorry this post is such a downer... I'm just feeling kind of blah and don't have a clue as to why. I was perfectly fine earlier today, but then Jacob wanted to take a nap before he went to work because we stayed up all night last night. I wanted him to stay awake with me so i could spend that time with him, but he went to sleep, and i blew it out of proportion and felt rejected. Pathetic, clingy and controlling of me, huh? Now he's at work and a few of his friends are here... I should be hanging out with them, but instead, i'm feeling antisocial and hiding away from them. I'd rather be on here with you all because i know you understand me.
Ok, i'll shut up and not make ya'll listen to any more of my pathetic whining... I love you, and hope you're doing better than me. Stay strong, and as Eminem says, stay unafraid.
I know you might not want to hear this Jo... but have you considered some kind of therapy? Of course this would be difficult since it's expensive and you are no longer in touch with your family... Aren't they things we should be afraid of?
ReplyDeleteWhatever you choose to do or would like to talk about, please don't hesitate to email me honey, I'm always there to listen. Just remember it's okay to want to be alone, it's okay to be scared and it's okay to change your mind a million times, to be a little crazy, to break down. All I want for you is happinness, no matter how you achieve it, I'll always support your decision.
Thanks for being there; when I feel alone in the world, I know there's at least one person who cares. :)
Love you bigger than the sky! Feel better soon hun.
eminem is amazing. his songs give me goosebumps. the best ana eminem song is til i collapse. its the best song to run to. it makes you feel like you cant stop running. ps: i feel the same way about my disorder. i eat icecream get upset and then get even more depressed that im upset about food. it would be nice to be normal, not worry about calories and fat. ugh! i have been talking to an online counsellor jo@samaritans.org its like email counselling. it really helps.
ReplyDeleteIt's normal that you feel scared; I am scared too. It's a big change in your perspective of things, wether you like it or not. Maybe if you choose to go, you can make sure this whole therapy thing is done on your own terms. Maybe you can bring Jacob along, he will protect you and make you feel safe. But don't do anything you aren't ready to do of course.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to sound kind of lame but maybe you can try finding a hobby? Haha it does sound lame. I know blogging makes you feel better, but I bet if you could do something completely unrelated to your disorder (if it's even possible to get entirely disconnected from it), you might find it soothing or something. I play the guitar and sing, and it makes me feel sort of happy. Or I go for a run in the woods, out of the beaten paths, it's very exhilarating. Anyways I'm just babbling here.
Love you bigger than the sky! You make me smile everytime I read what you've written.
I'm sorry things aren't going so well for you. Just know that it'll get better; Jacob loves you so much, and you have many friends on here. Maybe things right now suck, but one day it'll make sense.
ReplyDeleteOh I LOVE Eminem! And dont ever be sorry if you're posts are "downers" we ALL have those days! And I love hearing about all you're days!
ReplyDeleteSoph <3
Even when you have a "downer" post you still inspire me. You were the reason I started blogging! Thanks Jo!
ReplyDeleteI love the the song lyrics so good! and i know love its so hard and frustrating its different for everyone i just want you to know your not alone no matter what your going through were always here for you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteyour such a great writer and never feel bad about sharing what you feel this your blog! lol and we read it cus we love you!
Sorry your going though all this! i think your amazing!
stAy stroNg! thiN(k) thiN!
xoxo lyndee
Along the lines of what some others have said...
ReplyDeleteAlthough you felt as if this post was a downer, it was uplifting for me. Look at the comments you've received, and the followers who consistently read your blog-
These people are like companions.
We all have accounts, we're all dealing with the same issues in some form of another, and we're all thrilled to know that (even with the anonymity of the internet) we are not alone in our struggles.
I just thought you should know that through *your* frustration you brought *me* some clarity. <3
i'd be more than happy to take Ana off your hands, it seems my beloved Mia hasleft me and the repulsive C has visited me every day this summer
ReplyDeletebtw i love your blog.I just found it 2 days ago and i've been unable to stop reading it.You're my thinspiration,matter of fact, the name of my blog is from a post you wrote sometime last year (I gave credit to you in a blog)
I wish you all the best and thanks for being so thinspirational