I'm currently reading Marya Hornbacher's book Wasted for the third time through. I find it so crazy how much of myself and my own situations i find in her telling of herself and her situations, yet somehow it's comforting to me to see that someone else experienced exactly what i went through and what i am still going through. But that's not what i wanted to say with this post.
This is. Just a few minutes ago i came across a few paragraphs that i'm almost posative explains in a nutshell why i turned to Ana, and for some reason i found it incredible to finally have at least some small, posssible--or should i say probable--explanation for how Ana got a hold of me. I also felt the absolute need to share it with all of you. I jumped up from my comfy spot on the couch and shot to the computer with my book in hand, looking like some lunatic, i'm sure, just so i could type it out and let you all know because i've always shared everything with you, and i know you're actually interested in me and that you do love me, so of course, i must share my huge discovery with you. Anyways, here they are:
"An environment that supports autonomy, quoth the shrinks, will foster a greater sense of self-esteem, of self-determination, of separateness from other people--in short, if your family assumes that you are capable of doing things yourself, you will internalize that assumption and act accordingly. You will develop a firm sense of self, a belief in your own capability. Whereas if you grow up in a controlling environment, where your ability to make decisions and act independently is constantly being undermied, you are likely to internalize a deep level of self-doubt and 'develop a sense of self-worth contingent upon extrinsic rewards and the evaluation of others.'
Too often the shrinks assume an eating disorder is a way of avoiding womanhood, sexuality, responsibility, by arresting your physical growth at a pubescent state. But more recently, some insightful people have noticed that some of us may be after something quite different, like breathing room, or, crazy as it sounds, less attention. Something like power. An eating disorder appears to be a perfect response to a lack of autonomy. By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to which other people can access your brain, your heart. .... The shrinks have been paying way too much attention to the end result of eating disorders--that is, they look at you when you've become utterly powerless, delusional, the center of attention, regressed to a passive, infantile state--and they treat you as a passive, infantile creature, thus defeating their own purpose. This end result is not your intention at the out set. Your intention was to become superhuman, skin thick as steel, unflinching in the face of adversity, out of the grasping reach of others. 'Anorexia develops when a bid for independance on the part of the child has failed.'...."
Reading that just amazed me... It seems to perfectly describe me and my cause for wanting Ana so very much. My parents were controlling and didn't let me make my own decisions for the longest time. In fact, if i was still living with them, i guarantee i would not be allowed to make some of my own decisions even now, regardless of the fact i am legally an adult. Since i'm out of their home, i even still have issues making my own decisions about anything, and you all know i have very much self-doubt. I've always wanted to become that superhuman with skin thick as steel too... That control certainly had a powerful effect on me! Who would have thought i would react like that.
Marya's reason for her disorder is just the same as mine. We were put under too much control, so we had to create our own control. I really do feel truly enlightened just by knowing why i wanted Ana and why i still do. That control had such a lasting effect on me that even though i am now able to make all of my own decisions, i still cling to that one thing that was the first for me to fully control.
Wow... I ramble, don't i? Haha. Hope you all don't mind. I love you!