Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fading Smile

I woke up feeling fatter than ever. Ana woke up next to me, prodding at the disgusting pudge that made up my stomach. "Tubby," she accused. "You just keep gaining."
I pushed her away and hurried into the bathroom, doing my best to not even look at the scale. It scared me to think what number i would see if i got up the courage to step on it after as much as i'd eaten yesterday. "My friends were making me eat," i told myself.
Ana rolled her eyes as she stood next to me. "Bullshit. They simply put the food on your plate. They didn't tell you that you had to eat any or all of it."
I frowned at her. "Rob did too! He put that second piece of pizza on my plate and said 'you have to eat that.' When i asked him why, he told me because i was skin and bones." I paused. "It made me smile... even though it was a lie."
"You're damn right it was a lie!" Ana replied. "You may have skin and bones, but the skin is dimpled with cellulite and the bones are covered up with fat."
I rushed away from the bathroom and back into the bedroom, hoping vainly to leave Ana behind as well as the scale as i crawled into bed beside my Jacob. He opened his beautiful brown eyes and smiled at me. "Good morning, gorgeous," he said.
"Good morning, love," i replied, unable to return the smile as Ana hissed in my ear that i was far from gorgeous.
He wrapped his arms around me and said with concern. "Why do you look so sad? I wanna see a smile."
I tried to smile, but failed. I blamed it on the cramps from my period causing me pain. But i was so tired of lying to him... "Tonight i'm going to tell him the truth if he asks me what's bothering me," i told Ana, who just rolled her eyes in response.
"I don't wanna go to work today," Jacob said, holding me tightly. "I hate work."
"Why?" i asked, a little bit shocked. "I thought you liked your job."
"I would if it didn't mean having to be away from you," he said.
Ana snorted from her place beside me. "I'd think it'd make him happy to get away from a fatty like you."
"Please leave me alone," i whispered to her.
She shook her head. "I'm not going to do that and let you keep getting fat. I love you too much." Then she began to softly sing the chorus to a song i loved, giving it all new meaning. "Fate fell short this time. Your smile fades in the summer. Place your hand in mine; i'll leave when i wanna." blink182 had never had such meaningful lyrics to me as they did just then.

**My new goal is to stop eating whatever whenever. I will eat ONLY once a day, and drink ONLY water unless i am parched and there is no option of water--which, most likely, will not ever happen! I also will start working out every single day with no exceptions or excuses of any sort. I MUST get back to truly being skin and bones.**


  1. Everyday workouts! That's my girl. Wanna do a little buddy/challenge thing for July?

  2. wow .. your posts are so poetic and i just love them :)

  3. I am with you.
    I will be there again soon.
    I will be almost transparent.
    I know I can.
    It's hard but worth it.

  4. you're such a good writer, and thank you for the lovely comments :)

  5. thank you. I hope I get some great results...
    you doing if very fine lovethe way you handel the abc

    Kate Lunacy

  6. sweet girl,
    I just spent 3 days reading your entire blog while on my breaks from work. I'm not sure if I should comment or not, but after reading everything I can't help but feel like I know you and am obligated to comment. You are beautiful, I know Ana probably disagrees and so do you, but you are truly a beautiful person, inside and out. I am not anorexic, I stumbled upon your blog while looking at a recipe website for school (I'm a culinary student) and was entranced by your words. Seeing as how I'm so passionate about food as a career and a hobby, I obviously do not struggle the same way you do and I could not possibly know what you go through other than what you type. I just wanted to tell you to be strong. Take that as you wish, but you are a wonderful person and you have what it takes to accomplish whatever it is you desire. I will forever keep you in my thoughts.

  7. I am reading through your entire blog as well, and though I am still 6 months behind on your posts, I just figured I'd comment anyway. :) Maybe instead of drinking water, you should drink green tea. That is one of my biggest secrets. I used to drink water like a fiend and then drink about 3 cups of green tea. Now, I drink almost entirely green tea, and when I can't drink green tea, I drink white tea. Green tea is very high in antioxidants and depending on the flavor, vitamins as well. It boosts your metabolism, and simply drinking 3 cups per day can help you burn an extra 100-200 calories. if you sweeten it with splenda it has no calories itself, and if you use fiber-enhanced splenda you will be burning even more calories because fiber burns more calories to digest than it has in it. Your blog has been very inspirational to me and I just wanted to say thanks so much for writing. You are amazing.