Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Careless People Say They Love You

I'm feeling a bit down, so do forgive me as i give a bit of a rant on how i don't feel loved by most everyone in this world...
It really feels like my parents don't much care about me. When they found my blog, they got mad at me for drinking and smoking and having sex, but barely mentioned the eating disorder. You'd think that they'd be concerned that i was barely eating and that was what i wanted. I mean, that's supposedly unhealthy, right? The only thing they got mad about that had to do with the eating disorder was that i'd lied to them about what i ate from time to time. They never said i needed help in that area or anything... They didn't mention the cutting at all either.. I try to tell myself that that's just because they really didn't know how to handle it, but it seems so much more like a sign that they don't care about my physical or mental health at all. I sort of believe my mom when she says she loves me, but in all honesty, i really don't believe my dad at all. My dad doesn't want me to be with Jacob even though he's the only reason i stopped drinking, cutting, smoking, and am trying to stop Ana, and my mom just follows what my dad says... I don't understand that. How can they love me if it would make them happy to take the one thing that makes me happy away from me?
My pastor and his wife were the ones who found my blog and passed the address onto my parents. I really don't believe they cared much either. They wanted to talk to me about it, but all that they talked about was the alcohol and sex. Sure, as soon as "blog" was mentioned, i began to tell them that the eating disorder was not a problem, but they instantly agreed with me. It was fine with them that Ana was taking over my life. I just needed to not have sex and not drink. As long as that happened, eating nothing was perfectly fine. In fact, as i went to walk out the door after talking with them about it, my pastor's wife decided to make a nice little joke. "Don't eat too much at lunch," she said. I fake-laughed and tried to ignore it, but it cut deeply. It was just proof that i was far too fat.
Now, as i live with Jacob and his family, his mom seems to constantly think that he's being rude to her even though that's the last thing he ever wants to do. It's probably because all of her other kids are always rude to her and using her for money, but Jacob never has been, nor will he ever be. Somehow, i blame myself for that situation and believe that if i wasn't here, she'd be just fine with him. It's just that she doesn't like me. She seems to like me to my face, but i really don't know... Everyone who lives here is constantly being hateful to everyone else who lives here, and it really gets annoying to see people just longing to hurt each other. It gets me in depressive moods just to hear the constant yelling about any little thing. I know it's senseless to blame myself for any of that, but it's how i work anyway.
Last part of the rant right here, i promise: Jacob. No, i don't believe for a minute that he doesn't love me just as i am. I know he does... Just yesterday, he hurt me for the first time. I was catching up on reading and commenting all of your blogs, and he was by my side, reading a bit of what i read and all of what i said. I trust him enough to let him be with me as i read and comment and post because i know he's not going to be disrespectful of me or of any of you. But yesterday, he criticized me for some of my comments. "Why do you encourage them in not eating?" he asked. "You yourself have admitted that it's not healthy, and you're trying to stop. You said that you wished they could quit as well, so why encourage it to go on?" I did my best at explaining to him, but he really didn't listen. Then he said, "If they wanna get skinny quickly, just tell them to take some crystal meth... or crack would work as well." I refuted that with, "I love them i don't what them messed up in any of that crap." His reply was, "How can you love them and encourage their slow suicide by hunger." I almost cried. He doesn't understand even though he says he does... But i didn't tell him he hurt me. I knew he didn't mean to, and it would hurt him to know that he'd hurt me so i acted as if nothing at all was wrong. Still, it hurt...
Sorry about the whining, everyone. Hopefully my next post will be much more worth reading... I love you all who have had the patience to read through all of this with all of my heart. Stay strong, you beautiful people who i know really do love me.


  1. Honey, sometimes it can feel like people don't care about you, but really it's just that they care about you so much, they cannot bring themselves to admit to how much you're hurting yourself. Your parents won't be able to bear the idea of you hurting yourself, and them not being able to protect you, so I guess to protect themselves they turn a blind eye, not realising how that feels to you. My parents are the same.
    As to Jacob, it's amazing that he supports you so much, and I guess it's quite alot to expect him to understand everything about this - I'm sure he'd be really apologetic if you told him it upset you.
    Anyway, sorry for the long and rambling comment!
    Stay strong, love xxx

  2. Hanz, no need to apologize. I love long rambling comments more than anything! Thank you so much for you encouraging words.

  3. I'm sorry, I don't have anything very insightful to say...I just wanted to let you know I've read this, and we're all here for you whenever you need to rant <3

  4. *hug* I think your parents and pastor were in shock.

    As for Jacob... Well, he wasn't trying to hurt you. He doesn't get it. It's not encouragement that we offer each other, it's camaraderie.

    How many people live in that house?

  5. Ah sweetie. So much I have missed you too, I'm so glad you came back to blogging after your brief hiatus, so I came back and here you are! Big hugs <3

    I understand all of what you're saying. People don't get it, and sometimes they're just really awful at showing their love. I wonder about all the people in my life all the time... but I have to keep telling myself I must just be imagining it... Even though, I'm not so sure...

    That's why I'm so grateful for this community. Here, I *know* that everyone understands. And the love here is undeniable. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that we love you a ton. And we're better than most at showing it ;]


  6. From reading your post all I can think is that you are unhappy... And when I was unhappy like that (like with my job, my parents (just because I'm almost 29 it doesn't mean I get along just fine with them), my love life, my body and such) a dear friend of mine took the time to talk to me about something that really change my life... I don't know, maybe it will help you too. Maybe it won't. But it is worth to try...


    Lots of kisses and big hugs! (And I do love you)

  7. Aww I'm sorry what Jacob said hurt. I understand completely how you must be feeling, I'm in a very similar situation!
    Hope things get better hun.
    xx LOVE to you.

  8. I understand Jacob. From anyone else's point of view encouraging people is wrong. But this is how we are, encouragement keeps us going until we find our own way out. We either get skinny or we reconcile ourselves to our size. It's difficult to understand that the friendship you get through support can sometimes be the thing that helps you stop.

    As for your family, you don't need them. I don't have the support of mine either. It makes us stronger people.

    Take care :)

  9. my mom did the same thing when i told her about my ed she basically was like so thats why you've been eating all my food and she's sending me to a therapist but only because my bf told her i needed one and i pretty much had to beg her for it. all she ever focuses on is the bad things i do and the food i eat she doesnt even care that im hurting inside. its almost like she had kids just to do all her shit for her and to be little mindless robots.
    well fuck you im not your fucking robot. ugh.
    im so sorry about jacob :/ i can see where he is coming from though, but at the same time, i understand cheering people on for not eating and for losing weight because it's what helped me in the past, and i always leave people comments congratulating them or encouraging them. its part of the community. this is the oly place we can do this and be understood unfortunately :/
    i hope things get better for you! try talking to jacob about how you feel, it seems like hye would listen way better than anyone else, i think its worth a shot.
    stay strong hun <333

  10. the same thing happened to me, but a little different. when i got caught so completely wasted i told my parents about my eating disorder and the cutting. the next day my dad asked me if any of what i had said was true and i just started crying. you'd think any parent would be so very worried! but nope, nothing. no help, no invtervention. yeah, i know what its like to be unloved too

  11. Oh honey... It makes me so angry that people don't care enough, because you're such a lovely girl! Part of it is ignorance, maybe, because most people don't know enough about eating disorders to even start to understand them, but you deserve so much more. I suppose the same goes for Jacob, because even if he tries his best, he can't completely understand you, can he? It's a lonely life... But I'm here for you darling, anytime you need to talk, send me an email to rant and I'll send you my love :)

    I'm enclosing all the love you can give virtually in this message. Take care Jo!

  12. I kind of understand what Jacob means... you know about you yourself wanting to stop Ana... but I understand what you mean more... you could be encouraging us to do far worse things... and we have our blogs expecting people to encourage us to not eat!! please don't stop.... I have almost reached my 14's... and I have reached my 220... but I want to make sure I haven't put it on before I let everyone know I've reached those goals!!! You were my first real insiriation... and you will be my inspiration for a long time to come!

  13. Lacey, there's 7 people living in this house including Jacob and myself... Yeah, it's a lot.

  14. Heyy sorry this comment is a little late but I do that too. When I tried to get better I still encouraed others and the way I thought about it was #1 anorexia is a stance thing a person can't be made to quit. If they do it is either by force (which usually causes a spiral later) or by choice. Everyone with Ana is aware of the unhealthiness so there's nothing that can be said to help them. #2 wether I was or wasnt taking part in the anorexia I was happy for them. I was happy they'd accomplished something they were proud of. Happy they were happy because we all know just how little can really make us happy with ourselves.

    It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it so I see hoe that was probably hard to explain to him but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. Idk. :)

  15. hey jo... its em. i've finally finished reading you're entire blog. this post really got a hold me. seriously, theres no way i'm going back to the church. they said we could help in the nursery, but they want to run background checks. woooow really? is that necessary???? so i found a better church =) one where they actually accept you if you don't wear a dress or skirt!! imagine that!! but i can;t believe sarah said that to you. you know if she wouldda said that to me, something would have went down. even andy found a new church. thier nonsense has gotten a little ridiculous. i just hate that after 17 years of going to RGBC, i had to leave because of nazis taking over. they never liked me and i have no idea why. i never did anything to them. oh wait i lied, i dated someone who wasn't a christian. but yet, i took him to church and he got saved and he reads his bible and goes to a better church in tyrone. one he really enjoys. but you know what, its been more than a year and i love him to death. i think were gonna get married after i get out of college. but hey, i have some other stuff to tell you about my personal ED. it's getting worse... ugh... i'll explain so txt me when you have the chance. id tell you here, but i don't want sarah calling me fat too. love ya babe!

  16. The pastor's wife reminds me of those people who say "go eat a sandwich!"