Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Depressive Post.... Fuuuck

I'm trying not to be so glum and moody in my life, and in my blog... But i've hit another depressive day. We're losing money with Jesse going to work because we don't have our car. It was totaled trying to miss a deer. The only help we could get was from his aunt, who lent us her truck, which gets terrible gas mileage and has needed over $200 in parts that WE had to replace. His work is over an hour away from our home, and he gets paid $8 per hour. So we're spending all the money he makes on gas. The car was wrecked roughly 2 weeks ago and we still have not received even the paperwork from the insurance company, so we have no way of getting a car. On top of all that, Jesse is pretty sure that the truck is about to break down again, so he's just going to have to request a leave of absence at his job and hope he doesn't get fired for it. This is all just a bit much on me right now. I can't handle it.
Fate is screaming her head off because she's sleepy and refuses to sleep, and the dude that lives with us is on the phone yelling, so of course that's keeping her awake. Thanks for your consideration, asshole. He does this kind of shit all the time. Not to mention that he doesn't even clean up after himself, so i feel like his mother, always cleaning up after him. It's ridiculous. I need to get out of here.
I haven't done my yoga today.... I've been too depressed. Maybe if i actually did it, it would help me to get more focused and less depressed.
*Bursts into tears*
Sorry... Let me come back and try to post later.
Fuck my life. 

7 hours later i am feeling much better. I stayed in my depressive mode for quite some time, and even ended up having a bit of a junk food binge (3 cookies and one snack cake. ugh!) and completely skipping out on my yoga because i just couldn't find the motivation. But Ana really isn't kicking my ass too bad for it. She's been so nice lately. "Everyone makes mistakes. Just start over, and it'll all be alright," she told me after the binge. It's actually so much easier to listen to her when she's pleasant like that; maybe that's why she's been so nice.
After Fate woke up from her nap, she gave me cuddles and lovies and smiles. I think she could tell that i was upset and she wanted to help me feel better. It definitely worked. She's such a little angel. We searched through Netflix together until we found a show that she liked and we watched that for a while, then read stories and played toys until dinner. Jesse gave her her dinner, and then i gave her her bath afterward. More cuddles and toys, and a bedtime story, and then she went to bed perfectly. I don't know what i'd do without that child.
Then i started cleaning the entire apartment. It had to be cleaned for her birthday party tomorrow. I will NOT have guests coming to an untidy home for my baby's birthday party. There's really something very therapeutic about cleaning for me. No matter how awful a mood i'm in, if i clean, everything is so much better. I have no idea why. It's spotless now, and i'm quite proud of myself for not half-assing cleaning on a depressive day like this.
All of your lovely supportive comments helped me out too. I really do feel 100% back in the game.

Tomorrow is Fatie's birthday!!! I'm so very excited. That's when i'm going to post the new pictures of Fate and i for you all to see because i'm sure you'll all want to see her birthday party too. I can't wait! :)
Thank you for all your love and support. Hugs and love right back at you all. :) 


  1. Aww hun please get to a better place.

  2. I can't believe you're back: I've missed you. I wish you never had bad days. I have loads more to say but I've got this stupid flu that's clouding my brain so it's not gonna happen just now.

    Love you big like the sky, forever&always.

  3. thngs will be better..financial ups nd down..we all face it at some point..btw ur's daughter's name is Fate!..its just sooo beautiful..even i was feeling low but today morning i literally drag myself out of my bed to do yoga,stretches..otherwise i wud hv felt more bad..take care..stay strong.xoxo

  4. Sorry everything's been crazy lately..hoping you'll be able to get a new car soon!

    Seriously lets hope that asshole shuts up soon too.
    I've been reading your blogs for a while now and it's been so helpful.. Thankyou. It's so encouraging to read about someone who understands the whole anorexia thing. I don't even know if I understand it. But just reading your blog lets me know that I'm not the only one. So just..thanks.

    I'm not sure if I know how to use this blog site either. Ha. Hopefully this comment will show up. I really have no idea. Hoping things get better!


  5. AUGH transport issues SUCK. Especially when they cost you a bomb! *Hugs* Is your area pushbike friendly? Would it be feasible to hire a bicycle or a scooter (Suzuki SJ50 type) for work transport until your car can be fixed? It might work out cheaper than the truck. Gah that suck balls *Hugs*

    What a DOUCHECANNON. If there is a small spawn trying to sleep YOU ARE QUIET SO THE POOR THING CAN TRY TO SLEEP. And not clening up after himself? He can pay extra rent to compensate you for the loss of time. You're a Mum, not a bloody housekeeper!

    (Sorry! I call all my mates kids spawns >.< We have LaurieSpawn and CassieSpawn and BrianSpawn and JasonSpawn at Games Night. When they misbehave they get the Dreaded Full Name and are given a Time Out for repeated offences)

    Cleaning is a good way to get moving and improve your mood :D I rageclean. Take the anger out on the mess. With loud shouty music on my headphones ^.^;

    Omg she sounds ADORABLE! I can't wait to see pics. How long will you be at this place? I didn't get to send you baby gear so I should definitely send presents. Every kid needs a buzzy bee! She can pull it along while getting the hang of running around and irritate the living hell out of the loudmouth housemate :3

    Thank you so much for the comment *Huggles* Going by his behaviour he probably has very small balls, so the over-inflated head would be a better target XD

    Love you so much <3

    1. :) I love you. Haha. We're trying to get moved as we speak, but saving up any money for a security deposit elsewhere seems to be impossible. Any time we get a bit saved up, something happens and takes it all from us. The main reason i want to move is to get away from douche. Jesse refuses to just tell him to leave, though i would have no problem with that, but Jesse doesn't clean up after him or have to try to put our baby to sleep during his loudness either. Ugh. Men... they're horrid creatures, aren't they? I'm not even kidding when i say if anything happens to Jesse and i have to keep living for Fatie's sake, i will be with a woman.