Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I still update every once in a great while

I doubt any of you even still read my posts. It's been so very long since i posted anything. I miss it so very much, but i just don't have any internet access ever. And we're always too damn broke to get internet connection at our home. Jesse's been through about 4 jobs since i last posted and is currently looking for another one since he doesn't have one right now. I'm about sick of it. He swears it's not his fault every time, but i don't know. Don't get me wrong: i love him very much, and i want to believe everything he says, but... sometime's it's a bit difficult.
Fate is doing very well, and growing so fast. She's partially mobile now (rolling pin style). She's a complete mama baby and won't have anyone who isn't mommy or daddy, but most of the time she won't even have daddy. It makes me feel special. :) She's starting to say a few words already too! I didn't know they could start talking at 8 months! Seems way too early, but she's a smarty i guess. She calls me "mum mum" and Jesse "dad". I love it. She tries to immitate so many of the sounds we make now too, so i guess i should start taming my tongue a bit, huh?
Ana was threatening to come back to me a while ago. In fact, at one point she was even telling me to cut if i didn't stick to her ridiculous diet plan, but then something amazing happened. Maybe it's a bit unconventional, but i never claimed to be a conservative. I got a job as a dancer in a club because the hours fit my schedule very nicely since Fate would be sleeping almost the whole time i'd be working, and the pay for so few hours is also quite nice. It pays the bills with me working only two nights a week, so i really can't complain at all. That job makes me feel so wonderful about myself. I feel beautiful for the first time in my life! My sister-in-law looked at me as if i'd lost my mind when i said i wanted a BIGGER butt. I've never wanted anything bigger in all of my life! I almost feel like i'm doing something wrong because i don't want to shrink anymore, but it feels wonderful at the same time. I don't exactly suggest it for those of you trying to get rid of Ana, but it's worked wonders for me. For the first time ever i'm satisfied and happy with my body. I never thought that would happen to me. I really hope it lasts. It has lasted for almost 3 weeks now, so let's see if it keeps up!
I hope you all are doing well. I love you so very much, and you are always in my thoughts.


  1. I will NEVER stop reading your posts Jo! I thought maybe you'd left us (which would be good.. right?) It's SO nice to hear from you and your little angel. I bet she's beautiful :) Congrats on the job! I'm no conservative either, but, to me, any job that makes you happy is a good job. And if the pay and the hours are good, even better! It's good to know things are going well enough. Don't worry, no one blames you for going away for a while, it isn't your fault if you can't get on the internet.

    Whoa, I'm rambling, but I missed you! I hope you're just having a great time always. Though that isn't very realistic, you truly deserve the very best.

    Love you big like the sky!

  2. I still read - you're in my google reader! I'm glad it sounds like things are looking up! If you want to post more with out a computer there's a way to email your posts in from your phone - I've done it

  3. Wow... nightclub dancer? You are brave!
    I have read that dancers do get paid well and most seem to like their jobs (so long as the bouncers bounce the grabby types). I don't think I could do it but I totally support the ladies who do want to.

  4. Awww Fate sounds adorable! One of the wee girls at Knitting Squad is at the stage of repeating words other people say endlessly. . . I'm having to watch my language REALLY hard XD

    If Ana tries to come back tell to fuck off and lie on the train tracks. You're too good for the likes of her! Woot dancing! Glute exercised will give you a nice round butt :3 I;m lucky enough to live in a hilly-as-all-get-out town so I've always had a big firm butt from walking up the hills :/

    I think about you all the time. I'm going to email you when I get a chance. If you don't have internets we could be penfriends? I'm a shitty correspondent but I'd try really hard.

    Love you so very much. All my love to you and Fate *huggles*

  5. I'm so proud of you, girl. I have read your blog from the beginning, always reading and worrying for you. I am so glad that you are getting through this and you are finally feeling as beautiful as you are. You are a beautiful girl, and your daughter is gorgeous. Everything will work out. :)

  6. your daughter is beautiful. I am glad to hear you are coming to terms with your self. I sincerly hope you can escape it for good. Keep your chin up love!

  7. an exotic dancer? im not brave enough to do that, but i think that would be kinda fun! im so happy that you have finally accepted yourself as the beautiful mommy that u are! :) ps: ill never stop reading

  8. How did you get over Ana? How did you do it? I have no hope of ever becoming normal with food because I feel like its a part of me's inside of did you do it?