Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Second Beginning: ABC Day 1

My thighs rubbed together at the very top, something i noticed more now that it was summer and i was hot and sticky with sweat. I lifted up my dress to glare down at the fat, white, round things that had the nerve to still be so big, as if glaring at them would shrink them into submission. It didn't. Tears welled in my eyes as i looked at the subtle stretch marks on the inside of my upper legs, the result of a lack of control. "So fat..." i murmured in self-pity.
"Well you wouldn't be if you'd just obeyed me from the very beginning. It won't all just disappear because you finally obey me for one day," Ana told me. "Now stop your sulking. You have a work-out to get through."
"I didn't know you were there, listening to me," i told her with a sigh.
"I'm always listening to you; i'm always right here with you."
I nodded. How stupid i was to have forgotten. "I'm going to obey you tomorrow too, you know?" i said in an attempt to please her.
An attempt that failed miserably. "You'd better! And you'd better do the same the day after, and the day after, and the day after for the rest of your life." She paused and sneered at me. "Otherwise, you'll be fat, fat, FAT forever."
I didn't like how cruel Ana was being. I took it upon myself to say so. "I liked it much better when we were getting along," i stated simply.
She laughed bitterly. "Believe me, sweetie, so did i... But it seems this is the only way you'll learn that you can't rebel against me, that you can't lose me."
I'd best start behaving again; no cause to make her more angry with me than she already was. I wiped the foolish tears from my cheeks and got ready for my evening work-out.


  1. it makes me so sad reading your blog.
    like.. its one thing for myself to go through it.. but to watch someone else in this light. the embarassment, the hatred, the guilt.. the shame. how awful. :( but c'est la vie. it is what it is.

  2. Like I believe that I've said, you have some skills at portraying the story, and really portraying it, if that makes any sense at all.

  3. This blog is painfully, beautifully, disturbing. I don't know how to say that I try to send you something that gives you strength, knowledge, determination, and slight comfort, but I don't really know how to say that so I'll just feel it and trash words for a while.
    Sometimes I imagine my flesh flying away in kind of bird-like forms. When I am disturbed (Um when am i not disturbed?) I see the fleshbirds flying back to me and down my throat. It creeps me out and then makes me laugh like a maniac cause I am such a lolo. Maybe you should try it sometime cause laughing is a fun way to burn calories

  4. There is totally a difference in your picks! I know you don't see it, but I'm serious. There is a difference!
    Whenever I look at my thighs, I just want to start chopping off the fat with a knife. The only reason I don't is because it would leave scars and I already have enough of those : /
    Everyone says your blog is sad and heartbreaking, and maybe I'm just mean and warped, but I think you're just really honest. I think I really relate to you though, so it seems normal to me....
    Honestly, I don't know how you deal with abc's. I could never do it. I would feel out of control because it's not decided by me....so I'm really impressed with anyone who can last a day on it! : D
    You WON'T be fat forever. You will reach all your goals! You are so beautiful already, just imagine how gorgeous you'll be once you get where you want : D
    Stay strong <3 Xoxo

  5. THIGHS. Argh. Why do they exist??