Friday, July 31, 2009

Bitter Tears

Ana put a comforting hand on my shoulder as i sat in my car and watched the rain. Lunch break was always so very long and boring, and i had nothing to do but sit and think about how fat i was as i pinched the blubber that still resided on my stomach. "Why won't it go away?" i asked her. "i can see my ribs, but my stomach still has this damn fat-layer on it. I don't get it."
"It's only when you raise your arms that you can see your ribs," Ana reminded. "That may be progress, but it's only small progress. The fat will leave once you've listened to me long enough to see big progress."
"Ugh. How long?" I really wanted results, and i wanted them now!
"That's up to you."
"Only you can decide how far you're willing to go, how little you're willing to eat, how much you're willing to exercise."
"I'm willing to do anything," I muttered. "I just want results!" Being thin seemed so much more important than anything else, even more important than life itself.
The cows started lumbering by. It was almost time to go back to work. As they walked along, i stared at them. I could see enormous rib-cages without difficulty. "Holy crap, Ana," i whispered. "I'm fatter than the cows!"
Ana only nodded, being the supportive, loving personality that she was. "Yeah, kinda."
So i finished up work, and when i got home, i promptly binged away my sorrows of being fat, as if it really made sense to do so. Half a loaf of white bread magically jumped first into the toaster and then into my mouth, and then a container of yogurt followed the bread in its journey to my stomach, all of this after i'd already eaten my salad for dinner. I screamed for Mia.
She came. "Use your toothbrush instead of your fingers this time," she encouraged once i was next to the toilet. "You can do it."
I accepted the toothbrush from her hand and stuffed it down my throat. Nothing, not even a gag. I looked up at her, my eyes begging her to give me further instruction, to tell me i was doing it wrong, to tell me how to make it work.
"Wiggle it around until you find the right spot," she suggested, blowing her horrid breath in my face to try to help me.
I obeyed, finally finding the spot that made me gag. I held the handle of the brush there for what seemed like hours, gagging, but unable to get anything up. "I can't do it," i whimpered, tears and sweat matting the hair i hadn't bothered to pull out of my face.
"Keep trying," Mia said. "How's your stomach feel?"
"Like i could throw up... But i know i can't."
"You're getting there."
I went back to wiggling the toothbrush and gagging. Finally i coughed up a teaspoon of whiteness--the beginning of the yogurt!
"That's it, hunny!" Mia shrieked. "Keep it up."
I tried. I tried so hard, but it didn't work; i could not, for the life of me, get anything else to come up. At last, i turned my bloodshot eyes to Ana, who was standing by just observing the whole thing. "I'm so sorry," i murmured. "So very, very sorry."
She just shook her head and turned her back to me. I looked to Mia, trying to find support somewhere, but she just handed me a piece of toilet paper for my runny nose, said "better luck next time" and joined Ana. I stared at their backs, tears streaming down my face. I had failed them both. AGAIN.


  1. :' ( I'm telling you we have some kind of mental connection because we both binged! And on simple carbs too! Which we NEVER eat! : P
    But we will do so well now! And I know Mia is tempting, but it's just not worth it. Please trust me when I tell you that. <3
    We will do this my little fairy friend ; )
    Stay strong and that you for all your beautiful support <3

  2. Dot is so right. Mia is just not worth it. Read any of the bulimics only makes things worse. I know from experience (unfortunately).

    Just be strong and stick with Ana. But if your bingeing because of an intense craving it probably means that what you are consuming is not balanced.

    Just sayin'


  3. I'm sorry. : (((
    I think sometimes when your body needs food it just acts without your mind's approval. But throwing up is just really a vicious cycle. If you can do it, you do it more, then you eat more, then you do it again, etc, etc. When you binge just try not to beat yourself up about it. Think about it this way, when you binge, you get a lot of nutrients that you wouldn't have otherwise. So now that you have a surplus of nutrients in your body, they'll carry over for the next few days and will give you energy while you restrict.

    My logic may be way off on that, but thinking about it that way always makes me feel better.

  4. Awh well I'm glad I could help! I have a problem with cutting too, and on some days when I've failed eating-wise it's hard not to cut. Stay strong, I know you'll do better in the coming days. : )

  5. thanks for your comment :) It sounds like you've had a really bad day :( But we can both start over new tomorrow. I'm excited to start ABC tomorrow. It'll be alot easier doing it with someone to. good luck tomorrow. :)

  6. Uggghh I just had the same problem with flat bread X the throwing up. I'm trying to put a ban on grains because they are so easy to get carried away with. Ribs are so nice though. I almost get angry at how good they feel. Anyway yogurt is good for me to stop cravings. Try blue bunny yogurt. It comes in a fairly large container, but still only has 80 calories.

  7. It really is better not being able to purge... like everyone else has said, it's a terrible cycle to get stuck in. You don't even lose weight properly either!
    And I think I read somewhere that it's even worse to use a toothbrush than your fingers. Causes more damage to your throat or something?

  8. I've tried making myself throw up after binges too and I am the same I just can't do it. Nothing seems to work for me. I try and try and try and still nothing....

  9. im glad you can't throw up.
    you do not need to go down that path. it will only make you fatter. mia is a disguise. at first you'll lose ten pounds.. but you will get dehydrated. and your electrolytes will get messed up. and your teeth, or death.. its not a pretty sight. :(

  10. What do you want? To be beautiful, right? Mia does not make you beautiful. Mia makes you a snotty mess with bad breath and sub-conjunctival hematomas (bright red blots in the whites of your eyes, burst blood vessels that fade like bruises). If you forswear ana, just work out and start over tomorrow. Mia is no lover.

  11. I'm sorry you had a rough day. The only way I can ever get anything up is with a toothbrush, but it really tears up my throat. You really don't want to tangle with Mia. I fell into a b/p cycle, and i'm grateful i'm out of it now. It's always sooo tempting to go back to it, but the side effects are too nasty. (eyes that stay red, sore throat, rotten teeth, etc)