Ana put a comforting hand on my shoulder as i sat in my car and watched the rain. Lunch break was always so very long and boring, and i had nothing to do but sit and think about how fat i was as i pinched the blubber that still resided on my stomach. "Why won't it go away?" i asked her. "i can see my ribs, but my stomach still has this damn fat-layer on it. I don't get it."
"It's only when you raise your arms that you can see your ribs," Ana reminded. "That may be progress, but it's only small progress. The fat will leave once you've listened to me long enough to see big progress."
"Ugh. How long?" I really wanted results, and i wanted them now!
"That's up to you."
"Only you can decide how far you're willing to go, how little you're willing to eat, how much you're willing to exercise."
"I'm willing to do anything," I muttered. "I just want results!" Being thin seemed so much more important than anything else, even more important than life itself.
The cows started lumbering by. It was almost time to go back to work. As they walked along, i stared at them. I could see enormous rib-cages without difficulty. "Holy crap, Ana," i whispered. "I'm fatter than the cows!"
Ana only nodded, being the supportive, loving personality that she was. "Yeah, kinda."
So i finished up work, and when i got home, i promptly binged away my sorrows of being fat, as if it really made sense to do so. Half a loaf of white bread magically jumped first into the toaster and then into my mouth, and then a container of yogurt followed the bread in its journey to my stomach, all of this after i'd already eaten my salad for dinner. I screamed for Mia.
She came. "Use your toothbrush instead of your fingers this time," she encouraged once i was next to the toilet. "You can do it."
I accepted the toothbrush from her hand and stuffed it down my throat. Nothing, not even a gag. I looked up at her, my eyes begging her to give me further instruction, to tell me i was doing it wrong, to tell me how to make it work.
"Wiggle it around until you find the right spot," she suggested, blowing her horrid breath in my face to try to help me.
I obeyed, finally finding the spot that made me gag. I held the handle of the brush there for what seemed like hours, gagging, but unable to get anything up. "I can't do it," i whimpered, tears and sweat matting the hair i hadn't bothered to pull out of my face.
"Keep trying," Mia said. "How's your stomach feel?"
"Like i could throw up... But i know i can't."
"You're getting there."
I went back to wiggling the toothbrush and gagging. Finally i coughed up a teaspoon of whiteness--the beginning of the yogurt!
"That's it, hunny!" Mia shrieked. "Keep it up."
I tried. I tried so hard, but it didn't work; i could not, for the life of me, get anything else to come up. At last, i turned my bloodshot eyes to Ana, who was standing by just observing the whole thing. "I'm so sorry," i murmured. "So very, very sorry."
She just shook her head and turned her back to me. I looked to Mia, trying to find support somewhere, but she just handed me a piece of toilet paper for my runny nose, said "better luck next time" and joined Ana. I stared at their backs, tears streaming down my face. I had failed them both. AGAIN.