Thursday, May 26, 2011

I'm still here

I suppose i'm doing alright. Nothing's much easier than it was in my last post, which is why i haven't posted in so long. My typed complaints about the same things will not make them any better, so why should i trouble all of you lovely people with reading them, especially when i have been too wrapped up in my self pity to read and comment on all of your beautiful blogs? I feel like a waste of space in this blogging community right now. I'm fat as anything... and i can't so ANYTHING to fix it right now. In fact, i'm supposed to be gaining weight. I truly despise that part of the pregnacy... I miss Ana and all of her ways so badly...
This past Monday, i went to the doctor for a routine checkup on the baby, and everything with the pregnacy is going well, i suppose. The heartbeat was quite strong, and the little one is kicking up a storm, even kicked at the doppler device (the thingy they use to hear the heartbeat) a couple times while it was on my belly. I will be 22 weeks along this coming tuesday, but i'm not finding out the baby's sex until the 20th of next month, which is very disappointing to both Jesse and myself because we're so ready to know what we're having, and we should be able to know now, but the stupid doctor didn't set up the ultrasound appointment asap like i wanted. But i suppose i can wait a few more weeks without dying of curiosity. The only problem the doctor had when i went for the checkup was that i hadn't gained any weight from the last visit about a month before. I really don't see how that can be possible; i feel like i'm eating enough to feed an army...but i guess in my mind that's probably equal to what the non-disordered American eats when they're not pregnant. I know that my belly has gotten much bigger in the past month though, so how the hell have i not gained anything? ...The number on the scale is still horrifying: 144 lbs. That's approx 12 lbs more than what i weighed before i knew i was pregnant, and i know that's pretty much on track as far as what i should gain with the pregnacy, but i still hate it. I don't think disordered women should be able to get pregnant; it fucks with their minds waaaaay too much.
The job situation is looking better for now. Jesse got a job through a recruiting agency, and his first day is today. He's working a 10 hour day right off the start--at $10 per hour pay! So that really is looking good. Hopefully nothing goes wrong there and he can keep that sort of work up. I managed to get unemployment since no one around here wants to hire someone who's pregnant. I just have to go through all the grueling paperwork that recieveing that money requires. After the baby comes though, i am SO going back to work, not that i want to leave my child, which i really don't, i just want to feel like i'm not useless and making Jesse bring in all the money while i mooch off the government. I hate feeling like a mooch. :(
Living situation is still the same: living out of a one bedroom, one bathroom, one living room with a teeny tiny connected kitchen (and no other rooms) appartment with another couple. It's hard on me, but hopefully it will change soon since Jesse has a job. I'm really trying to be posative with this post so i don't bore you all with my depressive attitude. Did i succeed? I hope so. I'd like to be a posative kind of person, but i'm naturally just not. I wonder how one goes about changing that? Any ideas?
I'm off to try to catch up on some of your blogs before Jesse gets back home and i get to spend a bit of time with him. Wish me luck, and do forgive me for not staying as caught up as i could have. Love and hugs to you all from both me and baby.


  1. Remember that it's the baby gaining weight, not you. Right now your little one is building all those lovely muscles and baby fat (they need that!) That will help baby survive the squeeeeeeeeeeze of being born and the vigors of adjusting to life outside that superprotective womb.
    Your body, all women' bodies, feed baby first and mom second. So please don't freak about the weight. It's the baby, not you. Eat for the baby!
    And congrats on a healthy little one thus far!

  2. Considering how much you're going through, I'd say you're staying pretty positive! It's a tough situation, but you guys can get through it.

    And you definitely would not be a horrible person for wanting to work after the baby comes, for any reason. I couldn't imagine having to stay home with children 24/7; I think I'd lose it!! My older sis used to want to be a stay-at-home mommie until the first kid was like a year old, but after that she couldn't take it anymore...

    I wish I had more comforting words about the weight gain, but like Honor said--it's just weight that the baby needs! Once Baby is born, you'll lose it. <3

    You better post sonogram pics when you get them. :D


  3. If you need to vent, do so. It will do you and the baby to good to bottle it up inside! You still have succeeded in sounding positive :p I'm glad little things have started looking up.

    I haven't forgotten about you, I try to send you good vibes at least once a day :p I've looked up some super-easy bootie patterns (Since I've never made anything other than lidwarmers for spawns before!) I don't know if I can attempt anything fancier than a singlet or two, though. Kids grow bloody fast! Since you don't know the gender yet, I'll try to knit things in gender-neutral colours (Although all baby yarns seem to have SOME pink in them!)

    Woop woop JOB! So happy for you guys :D

    YES the scale is going up, but NO its NOT fat! What you are gaining is:
    1) Growing spawn
    2) Placenta
    3) Amniotic fluid (There is a SHITton of this!)
    4) Boob milk-making systems
    Trust me, if you gain any fat it gets sucked straight out through your tits as soon as you start breast feeding. Of course, breast feeding means you're eating like a fucking T-Rex and turning ALL of that food into milk! Milk takes energy and raw materials to make, all of which come from fucking food :x

    If it won't trigger you worse, stay the fuck away from the scale except from appointments to check on the growth of the little one. It may help your head :)

    Lol @ kicking the doppler! My friend who is due around the same time as you got really grumpy coz the baby was kicking her insides and her husband was poking back from the outside XD Poor abused Kimmeh!

    You're not evil at all for wanting to work! Everyone and every family is different. Don't feel guilty for following your heart!

    Lots of love to you, Jesse and Teh Spawn. Love you so much, you Yummy Mummy, you!