Breakdown Monster:2 Me:0

Yepp... That's right. I've had two fucking breakdowns in the past two days. The first one wasn't so bad because i was at the shithole (aka the place i'm living) by myself, and i was able to hide it. The second one, however was at work and almost got me suspended, which i CANNOT afford. I totally overreacted... but it was stressing me out to an insane level, and i didn't even know what i was doing as i did it... I guess i should elaborate on this second breakdown a bit instead of making you all just wonder what my psycho ass did, huh?

I felt dizzy and like i was going to pass out from the start... Don't know why... But then i got thrown onto three of the most difficult positons (all at one time), and no one was helping me. Then some guy wanted me to carry his three trays of food out to the dining room for him. No problem man; i'll just grow six more arms and leave my clone back here to make all the sandwiches, get all the fries, and coordinate all the trays while i juggle your shit out to you. Yeah... I snapped. I threw his one tray back toward the fry station and yelled, "I can't do everything! A little bit of help would be really really nice!" (I'd only nicely asked for someone to help 5 or 6 times before that only to be ignored.) and i stormed into the crew room. The General Manager told me to clock out and go home, and take the week off (aka a week suspension) "because you just fucking earned it!" So i clocked out and stormed out.

Then on the drive home, i realized what i'd done and pulled over at a rest stop to cry my eyes out... I ended up using quite a bit of self-harm by any means that i could. I punched my arm; bit my arm, scraped the skin off with my nails, then i broke a CD case and used the sharp plastic to scrape more skin, all the while telling myself "i hate you so much!" I couldn't help it; i didn't know what else to do...

Fortunately, Jesse talked to the GM for me and managed to get me only a write-up instead of a suspension while i was having my spasm in the car by myself... He wasn't so happy when he saw my arm though... I told him i didn't do it on purpose, and that's the 100% truth. He was fairly understanding... but i know it made him angry.

Le sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is just building up awfully and coming out even more awfully.

I wanted to go home and sleep it all off, but as soon as i laid down, the cat was playing with yet another mouse. That's the third one within a week. And my "bed" is a mattress on the floor. The mouse was waaay too close to crawling into bed with me for comfort, so i'm back at work. Sitting in the dining room with my laptop. I want to go home... but i don't know where the hell that is.