Saturday, April 2, 2011

Sometimes Ana is Still Here

"Holy shit!" the loud profanity escaped my tongue when i looked at the number on the scale in the doctor's office. The nurse gave me a disapproving glare, but didn't say anything. Ana, on the other hand, just so happened to be there with me at that moment and spoke her mind. "Well, aren't we gaining awfully fast there, darling? Maybe you should cut back on the food intake for a bit. I'm sure the baby doesn't require you to gain 15 pounds within the first 9 weeks." I tried so hard to ignore her, but her words stuck with me. Was i gaining too fast? And if i was, why? I was certainly not eating everything in sight. I ate four small portions of food a day on a munchie day, and there were some days when i only ate one. Plus, i was sticking to only foods that Ana would approve of without even trying to. Sweets, fried foods, and red meats were simply out of the question. The smell and look of them all made me feel like i was going to be sick. All i really wanted was vegetables, sea food, and a tiny bit of chicken every once in a while. I bit my tongue and fought back the urge to ask the doctor how much or how little i should have gained. I made it through the doctor's appointment, learning hardly anything i didn't already know, and then suffered through the ride home without mentioning to Jesse my worry that i had gained to much. Once i was home i got a lovely, steamy shower to relax. I felt fine again once i was done... until i wiped the fog from the mirror and noticed my first stretch marks. Once again, Ana was at my side. "Goodness, you'll never look good again with those! They're on your breasts for pity's sake; that's even worse than your stomach. Now part of whatever bit of sexual appeal you had is gone forever." I pushed her away with one hand and hurredly pulled a t-shirt over my head with the other. I put my shorts on in record time and ran away from both her and my reflection as quickly as i could. Jesse was in the living room playing some sort of video game, so i went over and sat on the cedar chest next to him. "Will you still love me when i'm all saggy and stretch marked?" i blurted. He dropped his controller and wrapped me in his arms. "You know i will." "Will you still think i'm pretty?" He squeezed me tighter and then pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You will always be beautiful, no matter what. And you're not going to be saggy and stretch marked anyway." I shook my head. "You don't know that." Then the little girl we were babysitting walked in, and in all her blatant honesty, said, "Jo! You can't sit on that; you're too big. You'll break it." Ana jabbed my ribs. "Yeah, you're too big; you'll break it," she whispered into my ear. That's when i lost it. I pulled away from Jesse's embrace and bolted to my room, biting back tears. "Sweetheart, wait," he called after me. "She didn't mean anything like that by it." "I'm way too sensitive for this shit right now, so don't even fuck with me!" i shouted back, and locked the door to my bedroom where i collapsed onto the bed and cried until there were no tears left to cry.


  1. Well, I just finished my workout. 3 hours. Only 1300 calories. What do you know about that? Not much, I presume. Forgive me for any typos, i'm a bit shaky tonight. Dazed. My legs and abdomen are sore. My comfort? Knowing you and billions of other girls are GAINING. While I, and Ana's BLOOD daughters are not. Most of us losing, actually. Constantly. So i'm fine. And if it hasn't been clear until now, I find utter happiness in knowing you're not. Face it, fatass. You are the perfect victim. Oh, its fucking GLEEFUL! You are going to be hideous! Night-night, chew-toy.

    1. Who the fuck says something like this?! She is pregnant! Honestly if you think you can handle it so well then don't even fucking comment.

  2. Oh, and nice touch cursing while a child was around. You're going to be an awesome mother.

  3. Where might i ask was the child i supposedly cursed in front of, other than in my stomach? Of course i'm gaining, dumbass; i'm not trying not to at this point in time. Go ahead and brag about all your lovely accomplishments. Soon enough, i'll be able to brag about my own.

  4. Girl, you will be fine, its possible to get rid of stretch marks and your going to be an amazing mother. I'm impressed your holding on being strong and still holding back, not letting yourself go, with food. I'm sorry ana was there in your head being such a pain. I know it gets tough sometimes.

    Wow Danni, way to be a trashy ass bitch. Really. Honestly thats incredibly insicure of you to say to any. And ana's blood daughter? She's a voice in your head you twat. Unless your mothers name is ana and she's a gohst.

  5. Jeez, I don't know what this Danni's problem is. She must have some real demons to take pleasure in other people's supposed short-comings.
    Ana's Girl, don't stress about the gaining weight. It's not good for you or the baby. Just continue to talk with your doctor to make sure you're gaining the appropriate amount of weight as your pregnancy progresses.
    And if you're really concerned about stretch marks, I've heard cocoa butter is supposed to help with those. Good luck and stay strong!

  6. yikes. danni is kind of a creeper. your baby is going to be so freakin cute. since gaining weight is inevitable i hope you can find a way to make peace with it. stay strong, darling.

  7. Danni's probably really fat and ugly, so don't even worry.
    You have a husband that loves you for you. It's so clear he's not going to leave you or stop loving you. Don't go back to Ana, your baby does not need to be around it when he/she's born. Just be healthy. Easier said than done I know. Keep your chin up. We're all here to support you - well most of us. ¬_¬

  8. Well alright, karmically Danni is going to come back as a woman with a thyroid problem who can't help but gain weight no matter what. She will only have her personality to rely on and if she doesn't change somethings she is heading for a very miserable and unloved next-life. I'm Jamaican, I can do voodoo like that. So don't mind her, she's probably already living a miserable life.

    I think the best way to combat this is to ask those questions that are on your mind. Because of all the ana-ing it seems like talking about weight is a taboo subject no matter what but for a first time pregnant woman it is completely reasonable to ask your doctor if you are eating too much or enough and if you are gaining at the appropriate rate. Next time please,please,please do ask. Then you can shut ana up with some facts.The paranoia looses power when it is voiced. Also, I have stretch marks and my skinny-ass sister has stretch marks. I haven't gotten rid of them [although the application of cocoa/shea butter and constant moisturizing has reduced their visibility] but I decided to own them. The slang for them is "tiger stripes". You are a hot, fierce, tiger mama and you rule your world. Rawr.

  9. Wow. I know people on the internet can be nasty, but wow...

    I'm sorry that you weren't able to ask the Dr. about how much to gain, he or she probably would have put your mind at ease a bit. The amount of weight that they want you to gain depends on how thin you are when you get pregnant. From your wedding pictures (OMG your dress is GORGEOUS!) you are thin. Plus, if you were gaining more than they wanted you to, they would say something. And breastfeeding burns a LOT of calories; the weight will just come off after the baby.

    I've heard the same as Alice about the stretch marks. Also, vitamin E oil from the capsules is supposed to help.

  10. This Danni-twat, who ever the fuck she (thinks she) is, is just mental. Like legit mentalcase. Not to mention fucking rude as hell.
    Really recommend her to seek for professional help.

  11. hey girl, dont listen to that danni girl. i took a nutrition course for massage school and learned that when your pregnant you need 200-300 extra calories a day in your diet. When you get cravings give in, it may mean the baby is lacking something. Eating anything pickled will help with cravings. Ps: when i call someone fat it is because im jealous of how beautiful they are. so if i was you, id take it as a compliment