Saturday, April 2, 2011
Sometimes Ana is Still Here
"Holy shit!" the loud profanity escaped my tongue when i looked at the number on the scale in the doctor's office. The nurse gave me a disapproving glare, but didn't say anything. Ana, on the other hand, just so happened to be there with me at that moment and spoke her mind. "Well, aren't we gaining awfully fast there, darling? Maybe you should cut back on the food intake for a bit. I'm sure the baby doesn't require you to gain 15 pounds within the first 9 weeks." I tried so hard to ignore her, but her words stuck with me. Was i gaining too fast? And if i was, why? I was certainly not eating everything in sight. I ate four small portions of food a day on a munchie day, and there were some days when i only ate one. Plus, i was sticking to only foods that Ana would approve of without even trying to. Sweets, fried foods, and red meats were simply out of the question. The smell and look of them all made me feel like i was going to be sick. All i really wanted was vegetables, sea food, and a tiny bit of chicken every once in a while. I bit my tongue and fought back the urge to ask the doctor how much or how little i should have gained. I made it through the doctor's appointment, learning hardly anything i didn't already know, and then suffered through the ride home without mentioning to Jesse my worry that i had gained to much. Once i was home i got a lovely, steamy shower to relax. I felt fine again once i was done... until i wiped the fog from the mirror and noticed my first stretch marks. Once again, Ana was at my side. "Goodness, you'll never look good again with those! They're on your breasts for pity's sake; that's even worse than your stomach. Now part of whatever bit of sexual appeal you had is gone forever." I pushed her away with one hand and hurredly pulled a t-shirt over my head with the other. I put my shorts on in record time and ran away from both her and my reflection as quickly as i could. Jesse was in the living room playing some sort of video game, so i went over and sat on the cedar chest next to him. "Will you still love me when i'm all saggy and stretch marked?" i blurted. He dropped his controller and wrapped me in his arms. "You know i will." "Will you still think i'm pretty?" He squeezed me tighter and then pulled back to look me in the eyes. "You will always be beautiful, no matter what. And you're not going to be saggy and stretch marked anyway." I shook my head. "You don't know that." Then the little girl we were babysitting walked in, and in all her blatant honesty, said, "Jo! You can't sit on that; you're too big. You'll break it." Ana jabbed my ribs. "Yeah, you're too big; you'll break it," she whispered into my ear. That's when i lost it. I pulled away from Jesse's embrace and bolted to my room, biting back tears. "Sweetheart, wait," he called after me. "She didn't mean anything like that by it." "I'm way too sensitive for this shit right now, so don't even fuck with me!" i shouted back, and locked the door to my bedroom where i collapsed onto the bed and cried until there were no tears left to cry.