I stared blankly at the computer screen in front of me, trying to think of a good way to start my blog entry for the day, but there was no good way because it had been anything but a good day.
"Type," Ana snarled from behind me. "Confess. You've got it to do."
She was right. Just a few minutes ago, Ana had caught me red-handed (or more like brown-handed), standing in the kitchen for the millionth time that day, chocolate melted on my fingers, my right hand reaching for the bag of cookies in the freezer because, as it turns out, frozen cookies are even more tempting than unfrozen ones. My too-full stomach lurched at the sight of her and i dropped the cookie i was holding in my left hand.
She just shook her head. "What the hell?' she said softly, almost heartbrokenly. "What the hell?"
I couldn't answer, couldn't say anything. My mouth was full... But even if it hadn't been, my shame would have kept me from speaking. My stomach ached from too much food--all high carb food, i might add--and yet my tongue ached for more food. I swallowed hard, nearly choking. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Ana," was all i could manage to say.
"Sorry for what? Getting caught?" Her voice was still soft, which was even worse than if she had yelled.
"No..."
"Why? You weren't even hungry." This time i even had Ana baffled.
"I don't know. It seems like i do it every time i have the house to myself," i answered. My parents had gone out for the day, so i was excited, thinking it would be an excellent opportunity to eat nothing at all all day. It turned out to be just the opposite: an opportunity to eat everything in the house. I had sworn i wouldn't binge like i usually did when the house was only mine, but i had broken my oath, and now i would have to start the ABC again...
Tears dropped from my face as i began to type my confession:
"My dearest followers,
I have never been more ashamed in all of my life. It seems i have let you all down yet another time. I hope you will forgive me, give me another chance to prove that i am strong, that i can follow Ana faithfully. It seems i've fallen into the cycle of having one good day and then having a binge day, but i promise to change it. I promise to be better. Please accept my apology and give me just this one more chance. I WILL NOT FAIL again. Or if i do, i beg you to please just kill me before i become a fat ass with no control at all. Better to make a semi-skinny corpse than a fat person...
Sincerely, Ana's Girl."
Aww I'm sorry. Sometimes your blog posts are really heart breaking because I can feel your pain. Its ok binges happen, especially when you are alone and bored. Thats when I binge the most. No worries, everyone knows you can do it. Cookie dough is a horrible temptation it would have gotten me too. Just stay strong, and fast tomorrow. If the ABC gets too hard just avoid meals if you can and snack on fruit. You can do this! I'm rooting for you <3
ReplyDeletebeautiful girl, we've all been there, we all know what you're going through.
ReplyDeletemy advice;
get out of the house, occupy yourself, stay busy!
that way you shouldnt even think of food
:)
xxxx
Yes, I'm the girl that eats frozen muffins and feels the horror at having to confess.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is one in a million.
Stay strong, you've got what it takes to do this
xx
Maybe ABC is just too hard for now? Maybe you need to do ABC + a couple hundred calories? Then you'll be better prepared for ABC. I dunno. That's probably a dumb idea.
ReplyDeleteNo death. Just trying again and again until...perfect!
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your lovely comment, really made me smile.. dont worry, ill never leave you entirely, ill still read/comment every post you make
ReplyDelete<3
Xx
hey, im now following ur blog!! look forward to reading...
ReplyDeleteThat feeling that you have been in the kitchen a million times I have so felt this weekend as the whole world knows because once I start confessing I can't stop. The way Ana acted was unsettling like bingeing like a total maniac when the only thing you want to do is not binge is just too incomprehensible. Ana doesn't get it, you don't get it, I don't get it. Why do we do it?
ReplyDeleteLove Sunny (yes the fat faced one)
I'm exactly the same... it's because both binging and fasting are such secretive things, and you have to make a choice at that moment as to which to choose. Binging is far more exciting and immediate, so it often wins over fasting. Even though you know fasting will make you happier in the long run.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should try a different diet? Like 2 4 6 8 then a fast on the 5th day?
Good luck x
heya sweetie, dont be too hard on yourself. :o
ReplyDeleteyou're doing really well, i planned to start abc last week and still haven't gotten to it yet...and binges do happen to everyone, so don't worry about it. just pick yourself up and keep going strong.
<3 xx
i'd really love to do abc with you, i'll start tomorrow. i'll be a day beind, but we'll support each other.yay!
ReplyDeleteomg, i'm so happy to hear you liked my post! sounds stupid but to hear it from you is like..wow, lol
your blog is like the best one i've ever come across. i read it EvEryDaY!!!! its so inspiring! :P
stay strong hunni <3 xxx
Your blog is absolutely amazing and you are such an awesome writer! You write in a way that I can picture everything in my head and I don't wan to stop reading...I wish I had half your talent! I'm inspired to go write! :)
ReplyDeleteTry again, girlie.
ReplyDeletePick your chocolate stuffed body up and try again. That is all you can do. :)
I will continue to follow.
I will continue to support.
You're still amazing. And you haven't failed.
Just try again. <3
You're not made of stone, you're a normal person with weaknesses like everyone else. Forgive yourself, everyone else has :) so glad your blog's coming along well. Good luck. Stay healthy. xx
ReplyDeleteI doubt anyone is alone in this.
ReplyDeleteWhen I go to the cupboards, freezer, and fridge I am numb until the guilt slaps me in the face and reminds me of shame.
nice blog :)
Jeepers Creepers Man! Your posts mirror my life so much it's eery. Are you peeking through my windows Mrs. Kravitz? Have you been "sticking up" my Bank of Memories?
ReplyDeleteAmazing.
So have you tried snacking on fruit? Ever eaten a frozen banana? It's delish! If you're craving sugar it's always good go for fruit. When sugar levels drop-things go beserk in your body which is probably why one "good day" is followed by a bad one....
Just sayin'.
Will not stop reading your blog.
The only person you can fail is yourself.
XO
Flushed