I stared blankly at the computer screen in front of me, trying to think of a good way to start my blog entry for the day, but there was no good way because it had been anything but a good day.
"Type," Ana snarled from behind me. "Confess. You've got it to do."
She was right. Just a few minutes ago, Ana had caught me red-handed (or more like brown-handed), standing in the kitchen for the millionth time that day, chocolate melted on my fingers, my right hand reaching for the bag of cookies in the freezer because, as it turns out, frozen cookies are even more tempting than unfrozen ones. My too-full stomach lurched at the sight of her and i dropped the cookie i was holding in my left hand.
She just shook her head. "What the hell?' she said softly, almost heartbrokenly. "What the hell?"
I couldn't answer, couldn't say anything. My mouth was full... But even if it hadn't been, my shame would have kept me from speaking. My stomach ached from too much food--all high carb food, i might add--and yet my tongue ached for more food. I swallowed hard, nearly choking. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Ana," was all i could manage to say.
"Sorry for what? Getting caught?" Her voice was still soft, which was even worse than if she had yelled.
"Why? You weren't even hungry." This time i even had Ana baffled.
"I don't know. It seems like i do it every time i have the house to myself," i answered. My parents had gone out for the day, so i was excited, thinking it would be an excellent opportunity to eat nothing at all all day. It turned out to be just the opposite: an opportunity to eat everything in the house. I had sworn i wouldn't binge like i usually did when the house was only mine, but i had broken my oath, and now i would have to start the ABC again...
Tears dropped from my face as i began to type my confession:
"My dearest followers,
I have never been more ashamed in all of my life. It seems i have let you all down yet another time. I hope you will forgive me, give me another chance to prove that i am strong, that i can follow Ana faithfully. It seems i've fallen into the cycle of having one good day and then having a binge day, but i promise to change it. I promise to be better. Please accept my apology and give me just this one more chance. I WILL NOT FAIL again. Or if i do, i beg you to please just kill me before i become a fat ass with no control at all. Better to make a semi-skinny corpse than a fat person...
Sincerely, Ana's Girl."