Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bones and Beauty

I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my hips and thighs. They were completely awful for the skinny jeans i was wearing, but then again, they'd be awful in anything else i could wear too. No use changing into something different. "Eww," was all i said, poking them.
Ana laughed. "Still not good enough, are you?"
I shook my head. "Never will be, but check this out." I pulled my shoulders back so i was standing up perfectly straight. "You can see my ribs a little bit."
She nodded and put a thin hand on the bones that were beginning to show through my pale skin. "Yes, yes i can. How beautiful. Perhaps there is hope for you." She shuffled through my closet a bit and then tossed me a black t-shirt. "Here, try this. It should look alright."
I smiled and pulled the shirt over my beautiful ribs. I spun around in a circle in front of Ana. "How do i look?"
Her eyes ran over me skeptically. "You'll do," she finally consented.
They weren't exactly the words i wanted to hear, but they were better than a downright insult. I slipped back out of my skinnies and grabbed the pair of scissors by my bed. "Just in case..." i murmured as i cut out the size tag. In case of what, i didn't have any idea, but it did make me feel better to get rid of the tag that could betray me by letting on that i was more than the size 00 that i wanted to be.
Ana chattered to me as i straightened my hair and went through the process of putting on my make-up, telling me over and over that under no circumstances was i to eat today. It was a fast day. No cheating.
"Yes, yes, of course," i said and ran out to my car.
On my way to Matt's house, i sang with the radio. "Confidence," i told myself. "He'll like that." But then my heart leapt into my throat. "What if he thinks i'm too skinny?!" I'd never had such a thought before, and it made no sense at all, seeing as i was so certain i was fat, but i knew i'd been losing weight since starting the ABC. "Stop it," i told myself. "You're being ridiculous. Yesterday he said you were beautiful. He'll think the same today." I pushed aside my fears and pulled into his driveway.
To my relief, his first words were not "you're so fat," nor were they "goodness, you're way too skinny. Instead, a smile rested on his glorious face. "You look so beautiful," he said to me.
I smiled, and i'm sure i blushed. "Nonsense," i muttered.
"Total and complete nonsense," Ana agreed.
"No, really you do," Matt insisted. "You're beautiful."
I smiled again. I didn't believe him, and Ana wouldn't ever let me, but still it was so very nice to hear...


  1. Awww he sounds adorable!! Keep a hold of him for a while ;)
    Well done today! Im sure you did look absolutely beautiful

  2. Maybe when someone compliments you, you should believe them, and punch Ana in the face. Just a suggestion.

  3. believe the boy :) you are beautiful!!

  4. I always have those thoughts conflicting like worried that people will think I'm too thin and too fat at the same time... weird huh?
    Yay for ribs... some of the most beautiful bones I think. They seem to scream thin.
    Good luck with your fast xx

  5. Lol, yay ribs!!!
    I love how you put my comment about confidence into this entry. I musta made a tiny impact =P But it is totally true. And awww, how sweet of him. Compliments are always lovely! Of course we will never believe them ourselves, but they are still flattering, nice words that give us a tiny spark of happiness as they bounce off our hardened exterior..

  6. hey, well done.
    hunni, you are beautiful, and you should listen to those compliments from that lovely boy and see them as progress. see it as confirmation that your efforts are showing!

  7. Awe, you are so beautiful darling. And I hope that boy appreciates you ; )
    I'm so glad to hear you are doing well. I think this is the most positive post I've read of yours <3
    Stay strong <3

  8. This is one thing I don't understand...Why don't you tell Ana to shut the fuck up? Ana is not your friend, obviously. You are beautiful, and you are fit. You have your choices, though, which I completely support.

  9. haha compliments on your story-telling!

    nice to hear about the boy and hooray for the ribs of course!!! Beautiful! Keep it up, girlie)))