Saturday, August 8, 2009

All I Want To Do is Cut

Tears rolled down my face. Damn tears, signs of weakness. A bowl that i'd emptied of ice cream sat next to me on the bed. Stupid ice cream, sign of weakness. They'd forced me to eat at the family picnic, and then i'd gone home only to find out i'd lost the boy i'd only just caught. He had been such a good catch too. So i fucked myself over more and ate more! Ana had seen me eating the ice cream (which NO ONE had forced me to eat) and left me alone for a while. "I'll be back when you can handle me," she'd promised. I needed to be able to handle her now. I needed something to control since i obviously couldn't control Jimmy's feelings. But i couldn't control my eating without Ana, and she wasn't going to help me now. Everyone had left me. Everyone. Even the bastards that had made me stuff my face.
"Eating never ends well," i told myself through the tears. I wanted my knife. I wanted to feel it bite the skin of my wrist, break it, split it open. I wanted to feel the warm, red beauty of blood oozing out over my skin, but i couldn't. There was no way to hide the marks, not in the heat of the August sun.
"Dammit, if i wasn't so fucking fat, Jimmy would still want me!" i said, wiping my tears away angrily with the back of my hand. "It's my own stupid fault." I hurled the empty bowl across the room. "Fuck food. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to make myself better. I AM."
Mia stepped into the room and took my hand in hers. "Come along, darling," she said, her sickening breath blowing in my face and making me gag. "You're going straight to the treadmill, since you can't seem to be sick."
I clung to her like she was my last chance at life, and followed her down to the basement where the treadmill and weights awaited my teary-eyed arrival.


  1. sigh. cutting isn't worth it. but can't talk. I cut myself last night after promising myself i'd never do it again.

    stay in there hun. keep fighting


  2. awe I'm sorry. There is always tomorrow.and remember that although you may have already had calories today, eating more will just make it worse. every calorie, even after a binge, counts. and you'll feel better tomorrow if you stop now! good luck, don't beat youself up too hard about it. it happens to the best of us

  3. Making yourself sick is highly overrated. I'm so glad that you chose the treadmill instead. :)

  4. I'm sorry you feel helpless. I'm sorry you feel bereft without the (stupid) boy.

    I used to go to overeaters anonymous. Do you know why I quit? Because they wanted me to turn everything over to a higher power. You don't need a higher power, all you need is yourself. -You- can choose to eat or not eat, -you- can choose skinny, and -you- can flaunt it in front of some twit named Jimmy.

  5. Hope you worked your ass off on the treadmill. That always makes me feel better. :) And screw Jimmy, you will show him. Just keep trying honey.

  6. Sweat it out, don't bleed it out.