"Please don't hate me, Ana," i whispered. "I didn't have a choice in the matter."
She put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I know... It's not too bad. It's ok this once, i suppose. Just do better tomorrow."
"I will," i promised. "Who would've thought that once can't even get a low calorie salad at a resturant?"
I'd eaten lunch with my boyfriend and his family, browsing the menu for as long as i could without making myself seem like a crazy only to find nothing that could help me stay at 300 Calories for the day. Fortunately, i had only had two baby carrots for breakfast and i wasn't planning on eating anything else, but i'd still gone over my Calorie limit for the day, and that upset me.
I drew some dotted lines on my fingers with a pen lying on my desk. "Cut along dotted line..." was all i could think. Oh the cuts and the blood and the pain would all be so good. Just what i deserved for failing two days in a row, too. It'd leave lovely scars, i hoped. It'd been ages since i'd cut. I wasn't particularly sad; i was quite happy, in fact. I'd been with Matt all day! Nothing could be better than that! But i still wanted to feel pain. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to punish myself for what had been beyond my control.
"You're twisted," Ana accused, but she didn't try to stop me.
"I won't cut too deep," i promised and picked up the knife.
Ana kissed the small incision i made in my left thumb as i drew a line of blood on my ring-finger with the tip of my too-dull knife. "You're strong against pain," she told me.
I threw my head back in the extasy that came from the pain and her compliment. It was all so very good.