Wednesday, August 19, 2009


"Please don't hate me, Ana," i whispered. "I didn't have a choice in the matter."
She put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I know... It's not too bad. It's ok this once, i suppose. Just do better tomorrow."
"I will," i promised. "Who would've thought that once can't even get a low calorie salad at a resturant?"
I'd eaten lunch with my boyfriend and his family, browsing the menu for as long as i could without making myself seem like a crazy only to find nothing that could help me stay at 300 Calories for the day. Fortunately, i had only had two baby carrots for breakfast and i wasn't planning on eating anything else, but i'd still gone over my Calorie limit for the day, and that upset me.
I drew some dotted lines on my fingers with a pen lying on my desk. "Cut along dotted line..." was all i could think. Oh the cuts and the blood and the pain would all be so good. Just what i deserved for failing two days in a row, too. It'd leave lovely scars, i hoped. It'd been ages since i'd cut. I wasn't particularly sad; i was quite happy, in fact. I'd been with Matt all day! Nothing could be better than that! But i still wanted to feel pain. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to punish myself for what had been beyond my control.
"You're twisted," Ana accused, but she didn't try to stop me.
"I won't cut too deep," i promised and picked up the knife.
Ana kissed the small incision i made in my left thumb as i drew a line of blood on my ring-finger with the tip of my too-dull knife. "You're strong against pain," she told me.
I threw my head back in the extasy that came from the pain and her compliment. It was all so very good.


  1. I have no idea what that feels like so i'm not really in a position to say much. just take care ok? you can't have been very far over your limit. much love.

  2. Ahhhhh no!! Please dont start a habbit of cutting, you're worrying me darling!
    Sometimes we get moments in life where food is literally unavoidable, such as your luncheon.. We just have to deal with it.. Just make up for it tomorrow :)

  3. Anything is better than the mental anguish from eating.

  4. Oh, be careful with the cutting. That scares me way, way more than the ana.

  5. :-( Don't do it! I know it's hard not to. I know the cuts and scars are like a badge of honor. You can see the pain then. The pain is real. It's on your arm, or leg, or ribs. But, it's not worth it. Have a good cry. Run till your lungs hurt. Anything but that .... My scars are no longer a badge or honor .... They're a reminder everything I had to hide from people I love ...

  6. hey, i'm new reading your blogs, and on blogspot. lol
    Aw, I know what your going through though.
    Just be careful.

  7. I know the feeling, and I cut pretty bad last sunday. Its a release, but in the end nothing changes. Just be careful. I am trying to stop for good

    Skinny Fat: When you look skinny, but maybe you have a pooch in the stomach. Or you fast for x amount of days, weigh less, but you only look famished in the face, not skinny. Weight training is important to build the muscle, and as you incorporate cardio and the fat goes away...VIOLA!!

    Don't be too hard on yourself hun. You're wonderful

  8. Yeah... Pls take care, don't cut! U'll do better tomorrow with the diet...

    <3 Pi

  9. Restaurants are so stupid! People always bitch about the obesity epidemic in America, but then hardly any restaurants even offer anything remotely healthy! But you have to try not to punish yourself for things that are out of your control. : (

    I don't get the same feeling from cutting. It's weird, because you're supposed to get endorphins from the pain or whatever. But I don't feel anything when I cut. It makes my body stop feeling, my mind stop thinking and most importantly it makes my mind stop thinking. I can never remember feeling pain when I cut. I wish I could in a way, y'know? Well I can't tell you "Oh honey please don't do that!" considering I just cut the other day, but the advice I could give to both of us is to not let it become a crutch, not ever again. Cutting at all is horrible but I feel ok about it if I keep it down to every couple of months. Who wants to get dependent on something itchy and messy? I don't know. Umm, I'm rambling. But take care of your cuts, you know what to do, feel better, and in the future try and look up restaurant menus before you go. : )

  10. Do better so you won't cut anymore. Learn from your mistakes.

    Be Strong.

  11. Thanks for all your loveley comments
    i am so clad that you have this guy in your life you are so lucky i wish i had someone like that...

    tomorrow is another day and you will do better that you did today i am sure of it...

    stay strong

  12. That was a strange night! You seemed like a crazy person towards the end there, you're losing it girl LOL. Just be careful okay sugarbabes? <3

  13. aw girl dont cut. i guess i shouldnt say much cuz ive never actually done it myself but inflicting pain on yourself doesnt seem like the right way to got to make up for your day. next time try correcting yourself with a good fast the next day. i dont like to hear about you hurting yourself hunny ! :( please be careful and remember to stay strong because i know you can do it girl. do it for us, your followers. i mean you inspire us :) good luckk