Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm Scaring Myself

I looked in the mirror today and thought, "Oh, wow, i'm not as fat as Ana says i am." Then i thought about not listening to anything she says at all.
But then her skin and bone reflection appeared next to mine in the mirror, and i realized that i was wrong. "No," she whispered in my ear. "You can't leave me that easy. Look at yourself again." She pinched at my thigh, "Chubby there." Then she poked at my stomach, "Pudge there." She kissed my cheek. "Could be a bit bonier there..."
I sighed and conceded, "You're right."
"You've been trying to approach taking me back in a much too healthy manner," she told me. "Wanting to start out with just making sure you cut back to 1000 calories a day, then slowly edging it back down without even a single workout planned. Come on, Jo, that's not like you. You need to jump back into this quickly. Fuck that healthier approach. Fuck your thinking 'oh its fruit, it doesn't count'. Jacob has gotten far too into your head with this whole health thing. Food is not healthy; it makes you fat."
I couldn't help but agree. I really was trying to ease myself back into Ana's lifestyle far too slowly. That was never how i'd done it before. Why should i start now?
"Honestly, sweetie, you're scaring me with this new 'healthier' side of you," Ana told me.
I nodded. "I'm scaring myself with it too." It seemed so sick to be healthy. "I promise i'll stop right now. Tomorrow i'll start the 2468 plan and find some way to work out."
She smiled. "That's my girl."

P.S. To all of you who follow me, yes every single one of you, i love you very very much. And to those of you who leave me comments, thank you very very much for your words and encouragement and support. They mean the world to me.


  1. Tough day
    I haven't posted for a couple will do tomorrow with weight :)

    I an't bear my reflection at the moment it actually makes me want to hurl in fact I sat under the show yesterday for half and hour staring at the loo but I was to weak to go through with it. :(

    You keep me strong xxx

  2. I started reading your blog and older entries a few weeks ago. I'm not anorexic, and I hope I'll never be, but I find the story-form really interesting.

    - Nina

  3. I love this post. I tried the so called "better" way my boyfriend always throwing at me but the faster the better I'm doing the ABC boot camp plan. Tell me how your plan goes you have my support.

  4. I wish you all the best, you can achieve anything if you just really want it. You still got Jacob, he'll support you by not going too far. Health is very important as well.
    Love, Megan ♥

  5. I just wanted to say you're a complete inspirtation to me. I seriously have sat here for hours and read all of your blog entries. You are truely a gifted writer and thinspo for sure. :)

  6. Kat is true- you are inspiring, in so many different ways. I only wish that as the object of my admiration you would realize how wonderful you are. Stay strong, Jo. You are worth it!

    I love you bigger than the sky, always!

  7. I started reading you blog and I really like it, it's inspired and helped me stay strong.

    thanks :)

  8. OMG I NEED HELP. Please tell me how much you lost on abc?

  9. good job starting 2468! I'm still on ABC, (day 28 and I've lost over 20 lbs so far...) but I am going to do 2468 when I'm finnished. I was gonna do like a 1 day binge to celebrate finishing... but that seems really backwards right? and I'm too scared I'll get fat.