Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mirrors and Smoke

Guess what, everyone! I'm back again--that's two days in a row! Well, i'm excited about it. Oh, and i got Jacob to promise me that i'd be able to have computer access at least once a week but closer to every other day. I can update you all and catch up on you and comment and everything again now. Do you know how friggin excited that makes me?! I got 3 comments on my last post and started geeking out just because you all's words make me so happy. I love you all INSANE amounts. Seriously, you make my days much brighter than they would have been without you.
Unfortunately, my update on myself isn't the best this time around... I've definitely got some mental issues... but i'll give you that update in story form.

I'd gone so long without a mirror that would show me my body that i'd forgotten what it looked like, how awful it really was. Sure, Ana reminded me all the time that it was horrid, but Jacob was always telling me that it was beautiful. I'd decided that they both had a prejudice opinnion and that i must be in between the two: just average. But as i wandered into the bathroom at work to clean it while closing down the store, the mirrors caught my eye. They would show me from my hips up! I walked over in front of one and shivered. Did my stomach really look like that or was it just the shirt bugging out and making it look like there was a lot of fat there.
"Don't blame the shirt," Ana whispered in my ear and lifted my shirt . "It's all of your body."
I stared in horror. "I don't eat enough for it to look like that," i said. "And Jacob always tells me i'm beautiful--"
"He's lying, trying to take you from me," Ana told me.
"Jacob wouldn't lie..." i countered, but as i looked at my reflection, i knew that he must be. I look horrible.
"You've got to come back closer to me, Jo," Ana said. "I'll make you skinny, so that you deserve his compliments."
I nodded. "I will," i told her.... but then on the ride home, i binged while driving, C (also known as Compulsive Overeating) whispering in my ear that it was fine. "It doesn't matter; you're fat already," she said.
I cried. This had to stop. I threw the rest of the food out the car window. "Get away from me," i hissed at C. I'm going back to Ana; i swear it!"
C glared at me. "I wanted that food, you dimwit!" she shouted.
"Leave!" i shouted back.
And with one last dirty look, she left. Mia took her place. "Pull over, throw up alongside the road. I know you feel full enough that it'll probably work out just fine. Come on, at least try."
So i did.
"Good job, hunny," she said patting my back and kissing my cheek. "Good job." Then she too was gone.
"Ana!" i screamed. "I need you!"


  1. I'm sure that you are as lovely as you have ever been. Think of it this way, Jacob isn't lying to you but you both have different opinions. What he thinks is beautiful (you!), you have different expectations for. It doesn't mean what he sees is a lie, lovely.

    Head up, you've got this! I hope you can find whatever makes you truly happy and stick with it. Lots of love!

  2. insane amounts? we love you too.
    i adore the way you write your days in story form. i absolutely adore it.

    don't worry too much about Ana, i know you can be strong and be whoever you want to be ... with Ana. It will take time, but i'm sure you WILL get there.

  3. :( I know the feeling. All of it. <3

  4. silly girl.. ur married now. let the fuck go.

  5. I'm having so much trouble.
    I can't throw up =( Tried so many times, but nothing comes up.
    Can't afford diet pills either.
    I just keep overeating...It's horrible.
    just keep getting fatter and fatter...
    I look pregnant...HEEEELPP please! O_O

  6. I agree 100% with what lovelybones commented. You know what I call your blog in my saved links menu? PROse. ;) Beautiful writing, pro ana.

  7. hey girlie.. i remember once a long time ago, you had posted up your picture and your measurements.. we are the same size.. like legit the same size! im sure my boobies are way bigger (they are always bigger than anyone elses..) but, if i am not fat, you are not fat. :)

  8. we love you, and i'm happy you will be posting more regularly. i missed your posts.
    hope you start feeling happier. all my love. xxx