Sunday, October 4, 2009

Brandon? WTF?!

"You're so tiny!" Brandon said, laughing as he picked me up and twirled me around.
I giggled. I knew it was because i hadn't eaten anything all day. It felt good to be called tiny. I even felt tiny when he picked me up. When he set me down, my smile faded. "Is Matt doing ok?" i asked.
His face fell too. "Hun, i don't wanna tell you this 'cause it'll probably hurt you, but he's fine. He broke up with you, not the other way around, remember?"
Brandon was Matt's best friend and next-door neighbor. It seemed so odd that i should be hanging out with him, but it was what Matt had asked me to do. His opening break-up line had been "I think you should date Brandon." Of course, i had no intention of doing so. I was still in love with Matt, after all, but Brandon had been there for me, talking to me since the break up, telling me i'd be alright when i felt that i never would, so when he'd asked to hang out with me, i accepted.
I sighed. "Ok. That's a good thing...that he's fine."
"Don't get me wrong, Matt's my best friend, but seeing him use you like he did just pissed me off. You don't deserve that," Brandon said.
I knew that he thought he could do better than Matt had, but i really didn't care. "He didn't use me," i murmured, still in denial.
"All he talked about was 'my girlfriend will buy me any-fucking-thing,' 'my girlfriend will have sex whenever i want,' 'my girlfriend will drive me anywhere i want to go.' It wasn't about how amazing and beautiful you are. It was all about what you'd do for him. That's not how a relationship should be."
I shrugged. I'd seen it too, the whole time i was dating him. He just wanted me to drive him places and buy him shit, but i wanted to do that for him! Maybe if he saw all that i was willing to do, he's actually love me. Or maybe i'd just ignored it, not wanting to see the truth. Who knows what was going on in my mind.
"You gotta go home, don't you?" Brandon asked.
I looked at the clock. "Yeah... but i don't want to."
Brandon wrapped his arms around me in the most protective of hugs. Why the hell did i feel safe? Was i just using Brandon to get over Matt? I didn't want to do that! I didn't want to hurt him. He really seemed to care about me. "I don't want you to go either," he said in his beautiful southern accent. "You don't know how much i want you to be my baby."
I didn't answer. I was afraid that i might want it too. "Tomorrow," i said. "I work tomorrow and then after that i'll come see you."
"Good." He finally released me from his arms, looking into my eyes as if he really did care.
"Stop caring," i whispered to him. "I'm nothing."
"Little girl"--my heart jumped and Ana clapped at those two words--"i will argue with you about that until i die from arguing. I want you to be my everything."
I bit my lip, gave him another hug, and climbed into my car. "I'm afraid of hurting you and being hurt," i said.
"Then i'll wait until you feel safe," he answered, closing my door and waving as i drove away with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't want to leave...


  1. tiny dancer!! sorry..had to get that out of my system. for some reason that's what the word timy reminds me of lol. brandon sounds superduper perfect. i hope this story has a nice ending :)

  2. omg that made me tear up. it is very good that he is willing to wait. IF you havent told him about ana already, he honestly seems like the type of person that you could tell him about it. if u dont want to tell him thats fine too, but after i told my boyfriend it made things easier, cuz when i binge and hate myself he picks me up so i can try again.

  3. So, tell me now how you can have "a super low self esteem" when boys want you? Hm? That just seems extremely self-sabotaging.

  4. That is just... *cry*
    My boyfriend and I are breaking up.

    Sad times all round.


    He sounds like the boy that I have liked forever. Protective hugs and southern accents, awh. I think Brandon would be much better for you, but maybe just ease into a relationship so that you know you're not just doing it to get over Matt, y'know? Awh good luck honey. *hugsss*

  6. To anonymous: was that supposed to be a rude comment? if it was i think you should hold your tongue

    Jo- I'm glad you were able to feel safe. I'd take it slow. i hope you get feeling better

  7. Aww first of all I'm so sorry your going through this! But Brandon sounds like someone that won't use you and will always be there, and that's the best kind of boyfriend. Like strawberry said, he seems like the type that you could tell, I really hope it works out and I hope that you forget about Matt cause your so happy with Brandon!

    And anonymous is fucking retarded, depression or low self esteem isn't just made up thoughts in your head, it's an imbalance of certain chemicals in your brain, like serotonin, and even if people are nice or whatever and like you it doesn't help that you don't have enough chemicals in your head, that's why they have anti-depressants which make the level of chemicals more balanced to help fight low feelings and etc.

  8. It is odd how it feels best to give when you haven't been asked

  9. Things like this never seem to happen on a convenient schedule.
    No wonder life is so goddamn complicated.

    I stumbled upon your blog today and couldn't stop reading it. You are quite the writer, that's for damn sure.