Sunday, October 18, 2009


Ugh. I'm sorry... I failed. Again. Sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder... I mean one minute, i'll be like "fast fast fast, no food for two months" and almost cry when i see a skinny girl cuz i wanna be her and then the next, i'm like "omg CUPCAKES!" chomp. I'm fucking horrible at this! I can't do it; but i NEED to! I need to be skinny! I need to see my ribs. I don't need to binge, but i do it anyway. What is wrong with me?!
Oh and i now have to wear long sleeves all the time becuz i have this beautiful (but rather enormous) cut running along the length of my forearm. Don't freak out on me; it's not deep, it just looks bad. But i don't really know why i did it either. Sure, i'm stressed from the Matt and Brandon drama, but i don't even think that's why i did it. I accidentally cut my finger a little bit while opening a CD and saw my blood so i just wanted to see more. I'm losing my mind.
Another trigger to the cutting was my dad brought home this book: Biblical answers about tattoos, body piercings, and cuttings (how those three fit together, i'll never know but whatever) (and where or why he got it, i'll also never know but whatever), and it's been laying on the counter for a few days. Every time i see or hear the word "cut" it makes me want to do it, so seeing that book right there every day just pushed me over the edge.
I'm just like, eww i'm a horrible blogger and a horrible follower of Ana, and i'm just pretty much useless... Again i apologize.


  1. Ouch! I know it's not great advice to give, but next time you have to cut yourself, do it on your hip or upper thigh so you can hide it easier. And then once it heals, get some vitamin E capsules, cut the top off and smear the contents on the scar, which will make it fade.

    Of course, the BEST advice is to just never do it, but I understand what you're saying here--sometimes you just feel like you HAVE to.

  2. Aww hunny, you don't apologise *cuddles tight*
    It's ok. I get that with cutting. Whenever I watch a program, hear about it, or see something like that I get the feeling "I need to do it." It's like a drug. I completely know how you feel.
    Don't worry about the food. As I said before, you've been going through a lot of stressful shit. I've been doing the same. I'm good all day and then I get to about 11 o'clock at night and I eat about 700 calories.
    It's shitty.
    I'm here for you babes :)
    Love yooou xoxox

  3. omg i know exactly what you mean about the fasting and then all of a sudden you just lose it and screw up. That's why I don't go into my kitchen anymore...if i see it, i'll eat it.

  4. honestly last night i was at an extremely low and just bawling uncontrollably and i saw the pain in my boyfriends face from seeing me like that. and i just knew i was so fucked up and that this wasnt normal so i cut myself last night on my thigh. and my boyfriend was like crying and asking me what was wrong and he finally got it outta me that i thought i might be bipolar.

  5. You are not useless. I go through phases where I lose all control. And its scary I know. Try and just cut back to maybe 800-1000 a day at first and slowly work your way to fasting. It has helped me before


  6. Aawww. Sweetie. Don't cut yourself. =/ I know the mental urge to do it. I've been there...Ive never actually broken the skin because I am too weak...But Ive wanted to do it so bad that Ive locked myself in the bathroom crying for hours for no reason. Ive found that crying releases the stress and best of all, no scars to hide. :)

    As far as the food, I am right there with you. I don't want to binge, but god, its so good going down. Once I eat one thing, I physically/mentally cannot stop myself. Im fasting tomorrow and tuesday to make up for today's giant mess. Let's fast together. :)

  7. If you want to eat less then slowly cut down on food, this way less people will realise and you will be able to hanndle cravings. Also up the excercise, it worked for me till the doctor made me put on weight :(

  8. No need to apologize, darling. Just be your lovely, creative self : )

  9. About that book....a lot of people, even some in the psychology world, consider bodmod to be self-injury.

    (The books sounds pretty stupid in my opionion. We KNOW what the Bible says about cutting - don't do it. Why would it say anything else? If you want to know what the Bible says, read the Bible. Otherwise you're just hearing what some guy THINKS the Bible says.) (Er, rant there.)

    I'm sorry you're feeling so shitty.

    Maybe try fo some balance. I kno wit's hard with food on one side and Ana on the other, both trying to tell you what to do... you're your own person! Tell them both to take a hike! Try to make deals with them. Say, look Food, I’ll eat SOME of you to live, but then leave me alone, okay? Ana, I’ll exercise for an HOUR, but NOT longer.

    It’s always a struggle, but remember how far you’ve come! We know you can do it!

  10. Grrr, I started a post and then managed to lose it annoying! Anyway I was going to say that I totally get you but not when you're cutting yourself. I reckon we're both very similar in a way -we cannot control the circumstances which are external to us but which affect us profoundly on such a regular basis. Thus, we are forced to try to control those elements which are within our power to control i.e. our food intake and our bodies. However, I believe that your self-harm is essentially a method of beating yourself up because you didn't achieve your eating goals today or over the past number of days. Essentially I believe that it's self flagellation and I really believe that you're effectively distracting from the issue at hand by cutting yourself! Give yourself a little bit more space and time -I KNOW YOU CAN REACH YOUR GOALS xxx