Thursday, October 22, 2009

I think i have an addiction...

And it's not drugs or alcohol or caffeine. It's not food, and it's not even Ana. No, it's cutting! I did it again today, and i don't even have a reason. Sure, i'm stressed and sad about the Matt/Brandon situation. Sure, i'm pissed at myself that i keep failing at food goals. But that stuff wasn't even in my head when i cut. I just wanted to see my blood... Is it just me or does that make NO SENSE? And i'm too stupid to cut some where that isn't my arm. (You know, like somewhere i could more easily hide.) Don't ask me why; i have no idea. I thought about it, but then decided, no i like cutting my arm and started carving away. There are now 5 new shallow cuts on my arm and 4 new deeper ones. That's what it took to satisfy my bloodlust...I really think i have a problem... I mean sure, my ED is a problem too, but this problem i actually don't want to accept. I wanna fix it, but i don't know how. :'( Life is crap...

Oh, but don't worry, that picture isn't of me. I just found it online and thought it was pretty. Holy shit, i'm twisted!


  1. :( be careful hun. I regret my cutting. and i'm going to have a nasty scar on my arm because of it. it still hurts and its been over 2 months

    and i still think about cutting sometimes

    because its additing

    No you aren't insane. And i love you

  2. I have that addiction too. It's strange isn't it, how it can make you feel better. I've cut in ever place excet my lady places.

    It's always hard to explain to someone who doesn't do it themselves. The best place to do it though is your legs if you tend to wear trousers alot, not that I mean that as advice because I don't promote self harm.

    I have this theory on it though if it helps you. I was watching a film about this bulimic girl called Sharing the Secret, and one of the women trying to help her was talking to her mum and she says 'It's about emotion. They stuff the bad feelings down with food and release them by purging. Then the endorphins kick in and they feel great. They need that feeling again and again.' - Or something to that effect.

    I think perhaps it's the same with self-harm. It gives an adrenalin rush or something so you get addicted to that feeling. Cos I reckon for myself as much as I like seeing my blood (it makes me know I'm really here and alive), I think I'm more addicted to the warm tingly feeling I get in whatever part of me I've cut.

    But there you go. I think it's probably a different reason for every person who does it.


  3. It isn't that weird to want to see your own blood, I promise. For some people it releases serotonin in the brain, so it acts almost as a stress reliever. I used to have problems with cutting myself too, but I've stopped now.
    It's not easy, and it takes a long time, but you need to find something else that provides the same sense of relief from stress. Exercise is a great one, since it also makes your brain release serotonin :)
    I hope you start feeling better dearie, and good luck with everything.
    All my best wishes,

  4. I totally know how you feel. I've been self harming for about 5 years and I'm permanently scared because of it.. which is kinda sad :(
    And yeah, I end up doing it for no reason. Even more so when I'm depressed.
    And arms are easy that's why, they cut deeper, heal faster etc My arms are a sloppy mess :P

    I do hope you feel better though *cuddles*
    I love you :)

  5. cutting sucks .. i struggled with that and burning myself. it feels good temporarily, but in the end .. the scars are just reminders of not-so-happy moments.
    i still have the impulse to do it, but i use BLUNT objects .. like pencils or keys .. they cause pain which numbs feelings(stress/anger/anxiety/depression), but leaves no scars. It took me 4 years to get to this point but it can be done.

    just breathe, when you feel the urge just focus on something else and keep busy. Exercise (like Margaret said) is a good alternative.

    stay safe love.

  6. I think you need to ask yourself WHY you do it now. Is there anything that sets it off? Or do you just like the feel of it?

    Honestly, if you're doing it because you like it, rather than because you want to punish yourself, it's two differnet things.

    But as Margaret mentioned, it's a matter of chemicals. It really does become like an addiction, because your body begins to crave the chemicals you produce when you cut. So naturally you feel better afterwords. That's what makes stopping hard.

  7. Ahh it isn't weird! I kinda do the same.. I like how I feel kind of weak and shaky after and for some strange reason it gives me a sense of pride? But yeah, it's a bitch trying to hide arm scars so I do it on my legs/hip area, not trying to promote it but that would be less noticeable. But if you like that color maybe you could get paint like that and do some crazy abstract painting with blood red paint, and it'd be pretty!

    But whatever you choose to do, good luck (:

    love you!

  8. i used to cut too. it was really bad; i'd have sessions every night with 15-20 new cuts from a razor. the addiction lasted for 2 years before my friends intervened. i still have to wear sweatbands and bracelets over my scars, and they'll probably never go away. find something, or someone, worth stopping for, and find a new outlet. the endorphine high you get from cutting is the same as you'll get from running (or any aerobic exercise) or laughing. if you ever want someone to talk to abt it, i'm here to give advice or just listen. you can get through this, i promise.

  9. If you really want help, get into therapy if you aren't already. If you are, talk to your therapist about it. Need to take it a step further? Admit yourself somewhere. I know all of this sounds kind of stupid saying it so plainly. You've probably thought about all of this before, but if you can do it. Do it. I used to cut. It's been a little over 6 months now since I last have, and I didn't want to stop. But that's a different story.

    When my cutting really got in the way of my life, a friend admitted me (against my will) to the hospital. They put me in a DBT program that really helped me to figure out how to deal with my problems in way other than cutting. I stopped just long enough to get out and back in school, because I didn't want to stop in the first place. But I was addicted. For me, cutting WAS a drug. Was, and to be honest, still is. But I never would have been able to stop, to gain control over it had I not gone. Do this for yourself.

    Maybe you're cutting your arms because you want someone to see. Maybe you're doing it because you want help. I started by cutting my legs and ankles, when things got really bad, I started on my wrists and arms. When I had reached my breaking point, I stopped trying to hide it.

    Hang in there. You have all of us to help you. If others don't catch on, forget them. Don't wait for them to get help for you. Do this for yourself.

    -Pro <3

  10. I don't know. I cut pretty heavily for five years. I tried to stop, then I decided trying to stop wasn't worth it. When I want to cut, and if I can cut, I'll cut. I just let myself have that one thing, especially because I don't get the urge to do it often. And I'm not sure what I can say to you when all I did about my cutting was let the urge fizzle out.

    It's hard to pinpoint the reason people cut. There's just so much good shit about it. It's like even the bad shit is good shit. I dunno. Just learn your limits and don't push them, keep yourself safe, you know all of this already. Love you dear.

  11. Hey, Im a big fan of your blog, and I think you are amazing.
    When you said you cut on your arms, even though you knew it would be hard to cover, it made me think that maybe theres some part of you that realises you needs help with this, that its more than you can handle alone and that by doing it where theres a chance someone might see it, you are subconsciously hoping someone will notice, and care enough to help.
    If this sounds stupid to you, just delete my msg, its only my opinion...
    I really hope you feel better soon xx

  12. i suppose i can't really relate to this post much, because i've never been into the cutting thing...

    all i can say is that your blog is so inspirational, and i love to read it. So be careful <3

  13. i know too well how you feel theres no reason to like the pain and cuts but you just cant stop. upper arms hipps and ankles are easy places to hide

    -lots of love S.j

  14. i also cut myself i dont do it that much at least i dont think i do every few nights there not that deep or anything but they cover from my knee up or wrists up when i'm not cutting i drink just enough to get me tipsy if i went a long time with out drinking smoking cutting i get really like paronide and stuff and i wont eat if i do i throw it back up i love blood have all my life my brother thinks i'm a freak my mom knows i cut but she thinks its just to fit in its not she thinks i only scratch myself alittle she also thinks that i only do stuff to fit in with people but i dont she says i'm gonna be just like her 5 kids with 4 men drop out of high school cuz shee got pregnet do drugs and sleep with every man who looks at her she cheated on her husband a few times