Thursday, October 8, 2009


I came home from work, and as soon as i stepped through the door, i knew it was over. There she stood, grinning at me, a little bloat already on her stomach, but she wasn't done yet. Oh no, she was never done. "Jo!" she cried, throwing out arms that should have been enormously, disgustingly fat but somehow weren't for a hug.
"C." I said her name with only a bit of disdain. I didn't recoil from her touch as i should have.
"How have you been, my dearest?" she asked.
"Hungry," i replied.
"Oh, yes, me too!"
And together we raided the entire kitchen without bothering to count a single Calorie or stop when we felt as if our stomachs would burst. I had come home in full-blown binge mode, the hungry little monster inside me tearing at my stomach and shrieking for food. I tried to silence it by crushing it under the immense weight of all the food i could find. C encouraged me all too much. But the beast would not be so easily destroyed. Now it tore at my insides, trying to get out from under the disgusting mess i had shoveled in on top of it, but with no success. My poor stomach ached so badly; all i wanted to do was be sick, but i could not.
"Oh, Mia, please come to me, just this one time," i begged, but she wouldn't even show her face to me as i bent over the toilet in shame.
"Tsk, tsk," C clucked. "No room for more food? Whatever is the matter with you? I've still got plenty of room. Why don't you just eat past the pain? It'll go away then, i promise."
I shook my head. I'd already tried that. I was past that point. There was entirely too much food in my system. "I've gotta get it out of me somehow," i murmured.
She shook her head. "Fine, whatever. I'm leaving then." And she abandoned me just like that, taking herself and her anger out the door, but not before she grabbed the last couple of cookies.
"Oh, Jo," Ana whispered. "Why would you listen to C? She always leaves you after she makes you miserable; i'd never do that to you."
I shook my head as tears started down my cheeks. "I wish i knew."


  1. The silver lining is that you know that no matter how much you eat, it doesn't make the pain stop.

    I'm really sorry you're feeling so miserable. It's a cycle - we feel bad so we eat, and then we feel worse. We've all been there.

    One of my favorite Ana quotes: Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    I know you can pick yourself again.

  2. I know that feeling, those tears and regrets you feel after realizing what you've done to yourself. But don't be too hard on yourself. I know you can do this and you will forget that horrible moment in a few days...!
    Stay strong.

  3. :( i'm sorry. it gets really hard to break the cycle. But you can break it eventually, if you really set your mind to do so.

  4. I've been reading your blog and I really enjoy it. I'm sorry to hear you had a rough time =/ We all have those days *hug*