Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Now What?

"I just don't have the motivation to do anything today," i whispered in horror.
Ana rolled her eyes. "Then find it; you're pathetic. It's 10 o'clock in the morning and you've already binged. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"That's all i'll eat all day," i promised vainly. I knew i'd probably fail and inhale more than the 550 Calories i'd had for breakfast-binge.
That made me angry. "I mean it!"
"No you don't. You know you'll end up failing."
So what if i did? She hadn't any right to say things like that to me. "I'm going to do it."
She tossed her head. "I'll believe it when i see it."
"Why don't you just shut up?"
She raised her eyebrows and looked at me in shock. "Well, well, well, someone's in a bad mood this morning."
"Fuck you," i muttered.
Her face crumpled into a mask of hurt. "What is your problem?"
"I don't even know," i answered. But i did know. I had no idea what to do. Matt wanted me back. I wanted him back too, but i wanted Brandon too and i didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't help but think it'd be much easier if i just disappeared from both of their lives.
"Jo," Ana whispered gently, putting her arms around me. "Please don't take it out on me. Just listen to me for once and you'll be happy, no matter who wants you or doesn't want you."
I shook my head. "But what do i do?"
"You have to figure that out yourself. The only advice i can give you is to exercise and starve."


  1. dang that is triflin. I think Matt wants you back because someone else wants you more. And it is your ultimate decision..but I'd hope if you did get back together with him he'd not use you again. You seriously deserve so much more, I hope Ana hasn't told you otherwise. Stay strong! 550 is good. IF you feel like you might eat more just do some really low cal stuff. Drink lots of water. Good luck!

  2. i'm glad you and matt are together...i've been silently rooting for him the whole time! : ) and i hope you do better today, food-wise.

  3. well i think u should tell brandon about ur mixed feelings. dont pick either one yet. just wait it out. maybe even wait a month. it will become more clearer. personally i think brandon sounds like a perfect guy. and matt has already hurt u, and was using u for money and as a taxi remember. isnt brandon the one who makes u feel thin and beautiful

  4. i hope ana wasent right and you did manage to stay srong.
    and thanks gor your comment, it really helps to see that someone cares.
    about the boy problem i think you just have to think really hard who you want more and who is best for you because you deserve the best. Making a desision is hard but i know you will do the right on.

    stay strong

  5. Team Brandon all the way! =) I hate boys like Matt. They only want you when you finally okay without them. But whoever you choose, I hope he makes you happy!

    550 is not bad at all. I had a terrible day filled with chocolate, pizza and cereal. Of course I threw it all up and popped laxatives. But still...its a fail for me.