Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Darling, I Want To Destroy You

Matt's name glared up at me in angry red letters on the skin above my barely protruding hip bone. "That's by far the stupidest thing you've ever done," Ana told me with a smirk. "You could have at least carved my name into you, but no, it had to be his."
"My name's on him," i answered lamely.
She snorted. "Your name is in my heart; can you say that much about him?"
"Maybe," i said with a shrug.
She just shook her head. "Whatever."
My hands shook as i reached for the diet pills and water bottle she handed to me, and i couldn't help but smile. "I'm shaking," i told her proudly.
She smiled softly. "I know. That's progress."
I agreed. "How many Calories today, Ana?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't been giving you a maximum number for a long time. Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing and stick with as few as you possibly can?"
"Ok.... Can i have breakfast?"
Another shrug. "Can you avoid eating much during the other mealtimes?"
"I think so. I don't think i'll be eating lunch at all and i'm not going to eat dinner with my parents; i never do."
"Then fine; eat some breakfast."
I nodded and began to make my way into the kitchen.
"Oh, but Jo?" Ana stopped me. "Not to much, right?"
I smiled. "Of course not."
She returned the smile. "Good."


  1. Sometimes it's hard to tell if you're cheating ON Ana, or cheating WITH her. A dangerous love affair, indeed.

  2. Ahh, I've been doing that lately. Writing words into my skin, I have ANA in red scar form on my hand and it's a pain to hide. But the rest are hidden..So I don't think it's stupid.

    Good luck with restricting today, you've been doing amazing lately! (:


  3. you are doing so well! you have so much control.

  4. Aw, please don't cut too deep at least. *hugs*
    It's sounds like you're doing great with not eating much :)
    Stay strong <3

  5. Keep up the good work. You are thinspirational too!
    Stay strong.

  6. You should be published.
    I could use some of your control. Send it in the mail? (yeah just weird like that)
    You are doing lovely and ana knows we could all do lovelier, it is annoying and necessary to me and I guess to you.

  7. I'm heading out like right now, but I just had to say that this title made me happy <3.

    I'll read fully/reply later if my interwebs is working. Sorry I haven't been commenting back or writing much here lately. My internet is still failful.

    Hugs <3

  8. i wish i could be as good to ana as you, it seems that i let her down everyday, but you are a true inspiration to me.

  9. wow, i just read all of your blog and it is amazing. i know how it feels to fall into a binge and its like your not in control of your body. i heard somewhere that if you eat only at breakfast then you lose weight a whole lot quicker. your doing great.


  10. Oh darling. I've carved words into me before.. ANA, FAT, etc... it will fade mostly, but try not to do any more. I know how hard it is to beat the urge, I really do, but it will feel even better when you beat the urge and leave your skin flawless, I promise. Do vent your feelings on here before you feel you need to harm again!
    I hope things are getting better
    love Ophelia xx