Saturday, October 10, 2009

I Can't Even Do This...

This is a picture of me: how fat i've gotten, how much i've let myself go, how much i need to stop eating, and how much i truly hate myself.

What's wrong with me? Where has my control gone to? I've been doing horribly for almost a month now. I say i'll get back to Ana and then i don't! There's something wrong with me. I'm not recovering because i'm far from happy with the way i look, and i binge a lot of the time. (It's like there's no in between--it's either extreme restriction or binging.) I just want to get back to Ana. Really, i do. How can i? I need help. Someone smack me; tell me i'm fat, lazy, and good-for-nothing. Tell me i HAVE to stop eating, and i HAVE to get thin. Help me. I must get motivated somehow... I just don't know how. Can anyone help me at all? Please, i'm begging you.


  1. Motivation is something you have to find in yourself. It has to click and you realize you want this and you need this. I don't know what to say. I'm in a depressing mood so I don't think I'll be much help. When I look at hipbones, that's my personal motivation. They're my favorite bones and pictures of beautiful hip bones always inspire me to do better. Try and stay out of the house a lot, try and throw away food, get away from the food. Think of how you feel after you binge before you're about to binge. Count to 100 before you eat anything and during that 100 count get yourself back in control. Remember that eating something lasts like 2 minutes but stays in your body and adds like 5 pounds. Is it worth it? Food is a drug and we need to quit it, we're all addicted. It's our crack and we have to try and get out. You'll be happy when you're thin, you'll be beautiful and so happy. You've done it before, you saw your ribs, and you were thin and you had great control. You can do it again, you know you can cause you've done it before. You need to have faith in yourself, believe it with everything you have, you can do this. You can do this. And not only that, but you will do this. You're going to and you're going to do it amazingly well. You know this, and I know this, and every one of your followers knows it. You don't need harsh Ana, but your own form of Ana. A gentle voice in your ear reminding you how happy you could be, a soft voice asking kindly if you really need this. Just don't give up. I believe in you.


  2. i get the exact same way sometimes. what helps me is telling myself that the empty feeling is what keeps me at my happiest and if it hurts, it works. go to the extreme when exercising. run til you think you're going to die and just keep running. or doing sit ups. or lifting weights. just keep going. keep going til there's sweat pouring off you. and when you're done, you're so tired you don't even want food. you don't even want to move. and by the time the day is over and you get through one empty night, it gets easier from there.
    think of all the cute little clothes you can wear when you're empty and not bloated :)

    you will come through. i believe in you :)

  3. honestly speaking, i think you look really good. the only advice i can give you
    in the words of the famous Dori "just keep swimming"
    you might have been pushed a step back by a binge, however instead of giving up and being pushed 10 steps back by more bingeing, why not take that step forward despite how you're feeling.
    guranteed you'll feel much better.
    you can do it babes, coz ur awesome! seriously, you're a motivation

  4. Aw, honey, you have NOT gotten fat. Believe me, I've been fat before, and this is not fat. Maybe not super thin but definitely not fat. Just keep trying. :-D

  5. Girl I've been in the same place. Like this has been going on for almost a month, and it's fucking RIDICULOUS. I kind of think things always have to run their course, and they will no matter how hard you try to affect them. Like I think eating disorders have to run their course and you can't recover until it's done. I also think episodes of horrible failure like ours also have to run their course. And I think we are long past due to get on track! We BOTH have to stop eating. We both MUST stop eating or we will never be happy. Never, ever. Nothing will ever make us happy until we're skinny and to become skinny we have to stop eating. We're GOING to be hungry, we're GOING to be moody, we're GOING to feel weak from time to time, but we'll deal with ALL of that without complaint because we know this is a sacrifice that will eventually lead us to THIN, the absolute happiness. I know that I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me, "EATEATEAT, starving isn't healthy!" and maybe you have that voice, too, so it's time for us to say FUCK YOU! to that voice because it's LYING TO US and it's holding us back from our goals that we DESPERATELY have to achieve. You want to be happy, right? I do too. So let's just CHOOSE to be happy, and therefore naturally CHOOSING to go back to restricting. Our awful binge episode has run its course, I can feel it. We're GOING to start restricting again, like complete champions. Thin, floaty champions.

  6. I'm in the same exact place. Sorry, I wish I could help, but I honestly can't. We'll get through it! I know we can.

    With love,


  7. Aww hunny :(
    Part of me, as a fellow Ana wants to say that you're bad, that you need to work harder.
    But the other part of me, the friend part of me just wants to tell you to not worry.
    You've been through alot of stuff recently with Matt and things.
    I'm the same. I've been abc-ing for over a month and I've lost no weight.
    You shouldn't worry.
    You and I should do this together.
    Email me if you'd like.

    Ily xoxoxox

  8. youlook alright.
    but i can see your stomach.

    so try and fast tomorrow. okay?

    apart from that, i love your legs

  9. girl, you are beautiful!! why do you want to hurt yourself?
    eat and be healthy, you are lovely, ana is NOT worth it.

  10. You hang in there. We all go through bad patches where things fall apart, but you can get back on track again, don't let yourself believe that this is how it goes from now on. Remind yourself of all the things you have achieved and can achieve beyond xxx

  11. The motivation will come in your own time! i promise. don't worry, you still look beautiful dont despair. ana will come back and your life WILL improve :) everyone goes through cycles of feeling apathetic and this is one of them for you. it will pass, i promise

  12. Don't start with huge goals, do light restricting til you ease your way back into less and less, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for failure.

    DON'T EAT. But don't be unreasonable.

    That's what worked for me anyway, good luck.

  13. Maybe you can't get back to ana because of the stress? And maybe you're binging because you have such big expectations and you can't cope with that? I guess so. And no, you're not lazy and you're not good-for-nothing! Only you can change that! You -can- stop eating, you can get thin. I know it. I have faith in you, you know?
    We just have to get back on track. I'm here if you need me :)
    much much love and hugs and whatnot <3

  14. I am feeling exactlythe same as you, I am trying to get back to restriction now, and today I've had 2 apples. It's a start.
    We can do this, you know we can.
    You don't look fat btw x