Monday, October 4, 2010

Epic Fail... As Usual

Well... Posting more often hasn't exactly happened, now has it? I've just been working so much that once i get back from work, i want to avoid all human contact--not you all, but the people whose houses i'd have to go to to get internet access. I'm sorry. I've been picking up all the extra work hours i could because Jacob no longer has a job (he didn't get fired; he quit because his boss kept not paying him), so i'm the one supporting us until he can find another one. Talk about stress... I don't know how the hell we're paying our rent this month... I don't know how we're buying anything that we actually do need. I mean, i guess that's good on the food front, but then again, not really... because all the food that we can afford is the fattening stuff. Have any of you noticed that healthy food is expensive and unhealthy food is cheap? It sucks... But enough of my whining...
A posative thing that has happened is that Jacob finally bought me a mirror--i know, i know, we couldn't really afford it, but i NEEDED it! So at least i know what i look like now. Not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not as fat as i feel, but i'm not as thin as i wish to be either. I'm that dreaded word: "average" and that's the last thing i want to be... Well, maybe it's better than being fat... but i don't know. I think they're about equal. Oh dear, there i go whining again! I'll stop that now, i promise. You're probably thinking, "Just shut up, stop the crying, and tell us the story now, Jo!" So here it is, the story form part of the post that you all were waiting for.

My hands trembled as i went into the bathroom. I could feel it, something that i should NOT be feeling. "If you weren't such a fat, greedy food whore, you wouldn't be feeling this at all," Ana told me. "If you'd just listen to me and stop eating 'normal' amounts, you'd be fine."
I shook my head. "I know," i whispered shamefully. "Can you hand me that box of tampons?" My period had come back. There was enough fat on my body to bring it back.
Ana rolled her eyes and did as i had asked her with a scronful snarl. "When are you going to start listening to me, and stop listening to your stomach?"
I shrugged. "Now, i hope...."

Sorry... That was short... but my creativity is kind of dead at the moment... I'll try to post more often, and better. I love you all!
Oh! And here's my newest goal: I want to be a skeleton for Halloween, and i really don't mean by a costume.
Here's a poem i randomly wrote one night. Please, don't take it the wrong way; i really am only talking about Ana. I could never cheat on my Jacob with someone else.

What am i doing?
I'm cheating on my true love
With my first love.
I've got to get away from her;
She's wrecking my life.
She slaps, she bites, and keeps me
under a fucking knife.
I've got to leave her,
But i can't because she says she'll die,
And for some reason,
i've got to keep her alive.


  1. It's good to hear from you again.
    I can imagine it must be hard for you these days. But keep on fighting, honey. It will pay off, in the end.
    I wish you so much luck and support,

  2. haha i wanna be a skeleton for halloween too! and dress u as lady gaga.
    hun, stay strong, you'll get through this.
    i knw its such bullshizz that healthy food is so overpriced, especially since most of it comes straight from the earth naturally.. yuck.
    good luck hun!! with everything!

  3. I missed your posting. Sorry things aren't going too great. I seriously hope you reach your goal by Halloween. That's my new unofficial goal too.

  4. i love the stories you write there really very good! i look foward to reading more of them

  5. You are so poetic, its wonderful. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but its so strong of you to be able to support both you and Jacob. You're an awesome girl!

  6. It's been too long since you last posted.

  7. ah i know exactly how you feel. damn average. everyone says its a "good" thing to be average but i just think its absolutely horrible. to me its only skinny and fat.
    but that little poem you wrote was lovely, I really really liked it.
    good luck with jobs and rent and everything(: