Here's what my last whiny post was all about: I told you i'd give you the details and reasons, so here they are.
I wake up, and i don't want to. I don't want to be awake, don't want to move, don't want to function. But i have to...
So i get up, get dressed and get into Sherry's car to go to work (because once again, my car is broke down). I'm tired of her bitching, tired of her pointing out what everyone else does wrong, tired of her in general. But she's nice enough to put a roof over my head and give me a ride when my car is down, so i deal with it... and hear her tell me that the man i'm more proud of than anything is "slacking" and should have got up early in the morning to fix the car. I do my best to defend him, but i know she's not listening to my defenses. She's only listening to herself as usual.
Then i get to work and have to fake a smile while i'm there. I have to pretend to be normal and happy, all the while feeling so much inexplainable emotional hurt. Top that off with Sherry (who is also one of my bosses) making me feel as if i don't have a clue what i'm doing as manager (i just got promoted about 2 weeks ago) even though i've told her a million times that i do know. I've done it myself for an entire week now; i've got it down. It just makes me feel helpless:
I mean, think about it, i'm incapable of having the money for my own home; incapable of being a normal person in many regards; incapable of following Ana as i should; and according to her, i'm incapable of doing to paperwork and positioning the crew... and then...
I come home, still feeling helpless, mind you, to see Jacob hurting, and there isn't a damn thing i can do to ease his pain. I really AM weak and helpless, the exact opposite of what i really long to be. To top that all off, i'm so weak and selfishly helpless, that rather than try to focus on him and his hurt, i focus on me and my own and break down crying for an hour and a half. All eyes on me!
But wait, there's more!
On the ride back from work, Sherry planted some odd seed of distrust in my already aching heart. She talks about her past drug usage--don't ask me why, i don't have a fucking clue, but she always talks about it with me. "I don't mean to worry you," she says, "But i think Jacob might be doing something behind your back."
"Don't be ridiculous," i reply. "He doesn't hide anything from me. He tells me absolutely everything. And even if he did hide things, there's no way he could do that; he has nowhere to get the money for it. I have access to all of his money, and he has access to all of mine. We both know exactly where all the money goes."
She shakes her head. "There's been a few times when mike and i have just watched him and thought he's on something. You've gotta admit, the other night when i mentioned this to you before, he was definitely acting weird."
I shrug. "He just wanted to sleep because he didn't sleep much the night before. He wouldn't do that to me," i say, but my brain argues with itself. Should i talk to him about it? no, i know better than to think he'd do that. that's just dumb... i don't know...
When i first walk through the door,that's still on my mind. I watch him suspiciously (how awful! I should be so much more trusting of the one i've given my hand in marraige). Is he acting odd? a bit sluggish, but he's just tired. it's late. clumsy... he must be fucked up! and then i find out it's because he's hurting. I overreact to everything; look at that: another sign of stupidity and weakness. What the hell is wrong with me?