Another Sleepless Night

I flipped from my right side to my back, back to my right side, carefully (so as not to mess up my tattoo) to my left side, then to my stomach. I sighed in frustration and sat up to untangle the sheets from my legs. There was no getting comfortable tonight; no sleeping either. I looked at the clock. 1:45 AM. "Shit," i whispered to myself. "I have to get up in the morning too..." My stomach growled; i smiled.
My closet door slowly creaked open. I watched it, wishing i didn't know what to expect. C's chubby little face peeked around the door. "Guess who's hiding in your closet," she giggled.
I was not amused. "What do you want?"
"A binge buddy," she answered simply. "I know i can always convince you, especially on sleepless nights."
I shook my head. "No, not tonight you won't."
Her eyebrows raised. "Is that a fact?" she said slyly. "What if i hand you this peanut butter jar and give you a spoon?" She proceeded to do just that.
I groaned and put the monstrosity down. "Don't make me wake Ana," i threatened.
"Oh please," she scoffed. "You won't. You'll join me like you always do."
"Are you willing to chance that?" i challenged. "Go the fuck away."
She sniffed. "What? You hate me now?"
"I always have," i replied, reaching over to shake Ana's bony shoulder and wake her up.
"No!" C said quickly. "Please, Jo, don't wake her... I'll go."
And just that easily she was gone. I wondered why i had never been able to do that before. It was so easy this time... I closed my eyes and finally fell asleep.

Depression

"I really don't want to talk about it," Shaun said in a voice that i could tell was full of hidden hurt.
"Is there anything i can do?"
"No."
"Shaun, hun, please, just work with me here. I'm depressed too, but i'm trying my damndest not to let it get to me, and i'm trying to help you."
"I'm sorry," was his only answer.
I sat there clutching the phone receiver in silence, wishing for words to come out of it, but none came. "Ok, bye," i said. I hung up the phone and then turned it off. I was tired of trying. How was i supposed to deal with his depression when i was still struggling with my own?
"That was the wrong thing to do," Ana pointed out.
I nodded and burst into tears.
"There, there, sweetie," Ana crooned and put her arms around me. "It'll all get better in time."
"If i hadn't let myself go and get so damn fat, he wouldn't be depressed," i managed between sobs. "It's my fault he's there, and now i can't even fix it."
"Shhhh..." she whispered. "You're gonna be skinny soon."
I clung to Ana like she was my last breath, and in reality, she was my last hope.

Letters

Dearest Ana,

Where have you gone? It seems you've taken a vacation of some sorts without telling me. I realize that it must be hard working with someone as failure-prone as myself, and i also realize that you certainly deserve a wonderful relaxing vacation for putting up with me for so long. However, i'm writing to you on your lovely little food-free vacation island to implore you to come back to me. I really can't go on without you. I fail even worse when you're not next to me screaming at me to put the bad food away. I feel horrid for asking you to come back from your vacation early, but i really need you. I promise you can go back on vacation for twice as long just as soon as you've whipped me back into shape and helped me to find my control again. I'll even pay for you to go back--first class and everything! Just please, please come back to me; i need you.

Sincerely,
Jo



My Darling Jo,

The only reason i ever left was to wait for you to tell me those very words. In fact, i'm not truly enjoying this vacation as i'm too busy worrying about all the horrid things you've probably put into your mouth already. I'm on my way back as i write, and i'm sure i'll be by your side by the end of the day, just when it gets hardest for you to keep in control. Stay strong, and wait for me before you even go into the kitchen!

All my Love,
Ana

Poem and Pictures

The one good thing that does come from my depressed times is beautiful poems and pictures to go with the poems. You all probably remember my "Circus Clown: Take A Bow" post from September when i was madly bingey and depressed. Well, here's another, similar thing. The poem is called "Insane Asylum" but the pictures tend more to zombie. I'm not sure if the pictures fit the poem, but yet i kinda think they do... What do you all think?

Insane Asylum

My skin begs for the blade.
My wrists want to bleed.
Pain is my only desire,
Masochism my only need.

Blood, cuts, pain!
Give me that sweet release!
Open the veins:
Grant me that relief.

But they took my knives
And hid them all away.
“This is for your own good,”
I heard them say.

But they lied to me
In their pretty white coats,
And they couldn’t see
That what I needed was a rope.

The man in the pretty white coat
Told me a pretty white lie
And tried to convince me
That I didn’t want to die.

But I’m not convinced,
And I still want to hurt.
They’ll never persuade me
That I don’t belong in six feet of dirt.

Load me up on pills
To kill all my pain.
Fill me to the brim with medication
Until I’ll never be the same.

Call me crazy:
It’s all too true.
Label me “clinically insane”
As I make my face go blue.

You can’t make me breathe
Though you took all other forms of death.
I can still suffocate myself;
I don’t deserve breath.

Away with your lies,
Away with your cures!
Bury me in a deep grave,
And I’ll rest forevermore.

So Depressed!

I spoke too soon about my period yesterday. Apparently i was just spotting or something cuz there's nothing now... TMI, sorry. I was just glad to have something to blame my bingyness and depression on, and i snatched up the period to blame, but guess what: no deal!
I'm honestly so depressed, and i really have no idea why. It started 3 days ago and just keeps getting worse. I hate myself; i love everyone else, but i HATE me. I just want to curl up in a corner and die. And the worst part is there's no reason! What the hell is wrong with me?
Shaun has been in a depressive mood as well. That started two days ago. I can't help but think that if his girlfriend wasn't a fat, bingey cow he'd feel a lot better.
Yesterday at work the conveyor belt at my checkout line (i work in a grocery store) wasn't working right, and honest to God, my first thought was "what's wrong with me that this thing isn't working?" Then when the computer froze twice on me, that too was my fault in my mind.
They also told me that my obviously khaki pants weren't khaki and i needed to buy new ones. Well fuck if i have the money to do that! They don't give me many hours and only pay minimum wage. I can't do anything right; i can't even buy the right pants.
This morning i woke up and went straight to the damn refrigerator and binged. Wonderful way to start the day. I just want to cut... I don't have a fucking knife! I need antidepressants or something; i'm sure of it, but i don't have insurance and i certainly can't afford those if i can't afford new pants.
I'm tired of life. I'm trying to fight it; i'm listening to really upbeat music, but even that makes me want to cry. I try to be strong and keep it hidden, but i just have to vent somewhere. Sorry for being such a downer to ya'll. *sigh* Stay strong, even though i haven't.

Thinspo and Whining

If i could stop being a bingetastic failure, i'm sure i'd feel a lot better. I'm on my period so, no, that doesn't really help, but it's also NOT an excuse. I've got to get my act back together somehow. Any idea's anyone? What helps you get your motivation back when all you do is depressively eat?

Here's a thinspo to make up for my whining and general fail-ness. Enjoy, my dears:































And Just So Ya'll Know:

Nothing Would Fill Me Up, Whatever I Ate....

My hands were numb and my vision was blurred as i opened the refrigerator door. "Green beans," Ana said in my ear. "Just some green beans."
I nodded and snatched them with my unfeeling hand. The microwave whirred for thirty seconds to warm them and then my untasting mouth swallowed them up. I opened the refrigerator door again. "Control," Ana whispered. "Find your control." But i was too numb to find my control and i reached for the yogurt.
Next thing i knew i was sobbing into the hands that had shoveled all the food i could find into my greedy mouth. "I just wanted to eat; to live; to feel..." i sniveled.
"That's no excuse!" Ana's voice had gone from whisper to shout, and she threw the spoon that i had used first for yogurt, then for peanut butter, then for cereal, and lastly for ice cream. I'd used only one spoon and one bowl to hide how much i'd really eaten from my mother. That would work for my mother, but not so for Ana. Ana knew what i'd done and she was raging mad.
"Ana, i was so numb; i couldn't feel anything! Is that no excuse at all?"
"Is what you feel now better than nothing?" she shot back.
I thought about that for a moment. My stomach ached from too much food; my mouth was burnt from inhaling food without waiting for it to cool; my head throbbed from self-hatred; my wrists begged for a knife; my heart was broken... "No," i answered her. "It's far worse."
My phone buzzed and i ignored it. I was so not in the mood to talk to anyone. I felt beyond antisocial and beyond failure. I was still numb, just now i was numb with self-loathing and weakness.
"Seriously, Jo, what is your deal lately?"
I shook my head. "I don't know, Ana," i said through a fresh flow of tears. "Sometimes i scare myself."

Quick Update... Too Tired for More

Tomorrow i'll begin ABC yet again, but this time, i've got a rewards system all planned out. For every day i succeed, i'll buy myself a new song for my iPod; for every week i succeed, i'll buy myself a new album for my iPod. Even better: i can only listen to my iPod on days when i work out. I think it was a stroke of brilliance! Hopefully i'll stick with it this time. Stay strong, my dears.

Also, E's blog, Shooting Silver for the Moon is now going to be private. Her parents found it. If you follow her or would like to begin following her, send her an email at shootingsilverforthemoon@gmail.com.

Rant and Lack of Contol

I have fucking binge eating disorder.... Ana used to be stronger, but now i don't even know. What is wrong with me? That's so embarrassing to even think that i have BED, let alone say it, let alone type it and post it for all to see, but i deserve it. I'm a pathetic, fat, control-less binge eating machine and i hate it. How can i stop. Someone make me stop! I just want to die...

Mirrors and Smoke

"The mirror hates me," i muttered.
Ana laughed bitterly. "Oh, don't you blame the mirror for your failures. The mirror can only reflect what's in front of it."
I stared at my reflection. "Fine. I hate the mirror."
"For telling you the truth? Now, that's not very logical," she pointed out.
I sighed. "Ok, i hate me."
"Now we're getting to the truth of the matter." She put her bony arm around my too-wide shoulders.
I watched her movements in the mirror; she was so tiny and graceful. Then my eyes moved back to my own reflection; i was horrid and fat. My stomach wasn't the concave, beautiful thing i'd wished it to be; it wasn't even flat. My thighs still touched at the top. My arms were still huge, gelatinous beasts coming from my torso. My cheeks, chubby squirrel cheeks. Even my skin had broken out in a pimply protest. "I've got to fix all of this," i said softly.
"Let me help you, sweetie," Ana offered. "You can't do it all on your own."
I nodded. "ABC day 1 all over again."
"Good girl," she said, patting my back.
"I wish i wasn't craving peanut butter..."
She shook her head violently. "NO! You ignore that and don't even go into the kitchen where the peanut butter is."
I nodded again. "I'll try."
"Not good enough."
"Fine. I won't even look at it."
"Much, much better. Welcome back to starvation, love."

binge

I made it through two days of ABC and then failed miserably on the third. I went to the mall with Jacob, who insisted we share a pepperoni pretzel (really tasty, but 480 cals for the whole thing). I think i had roughly half of it before i found out how many calories were in it, but when i got home and found out the Calorie count, i had a minor panic attack. "How is it even legal to sell something that high in Calories that doesn't even fill you up?" i wondered out loud. "There should be a law against it; i'm not kidding."
Ana didn't respond, so i turned around to see if she was behind me like i thought she was. I'd thought wrong: she was nowhere to be found.
I knew i'd already had the limit of my Calories, but my stomach rumbled. Hunger was really upon me; this wasn't C taunting me; i was hungry. Surely it'd be ok to eat something, just enough to make my stomach stop growling. So i carefully put together a delicious, satisfying 250 cal sandwich. I ate it and was full.
But the day was ruined and so was the ABC, so i reached for the peanut butter, and the yogart, and the ice cream... And anything else i could get my greedy, thoughtless hands on.
That night, i lay in bed, tossing and turning in fits of self hatred and disgusting, overstuffed fullness. Sleep was not going to come.
"One of these binges," Ana said from her place next to me, "your stomach's going to split open from being too stuffed and all the nasty food's going to spill out, all through your insides. And you know what?" She paused for the dramatic effect. "I'm going to laugh my ass off."

Edit: in the words of Fall Out Boy, "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realize two out of three ain't bad." Stay strong, loves, but try your best to be happy no matter what happens.

iPods and Tattoos

The alarm went off for the tenth time, and i rolled over and turned it off, switching the time it would go off yet again. "Jo!" Ana protested.
I sighed. "What?" i asked sleepily.
"You have to get up so you have time to work out before you go to hang out with Jacob."
I shook my head. "I'm too tired. You had me up all night last night with your damn insomnia."
"Up now!" she insisted
"Ana, i can't work out. I'm too tired. Besides, if i work out, i might rub something against my new tattoo* and mess it up." Lame excuses.
"Get up!"
"Shut up. I want to go back to sleep for another half hour." It was rude and horrid of me, but i'd said it anyway. I'd never been much of a morning person.
Ana looked injured, but i barely noticed because i was still in the process of closing my eyes. "Fine," she muttered. "You go right ahead and go to sleep; we'll see who wins this."
But i was already gone and didn't hear a word she said.

The alarm went off for the final time, and i finally accepted the fact that i had to wake up. I got to my feet, rubbing my eyes. I stumbled out to the kitchen sleepily and took care to touch only the water. Then i went back and got in the shower. It never crossed my mind or seemed odd that Ana was being so quiet until i reached for my iPod.
"Ana, do you know where my iPod is?" i asked.
She laughed. "Same place your workout is."
"What's that supposed to mean."
"It means, dumbass, that you can't have your iPod unless you work out."
I groaned. "Are you kidding me?! You're crazy. I can't do my makeup without my music."
"Well, then you're going to have to learn. Or perhaps, you could just listen to me from now on."
She'd struck a sore spot, something more sore than the new tattoo on my side. I couldn't function without my iPod and she knew it. Tomorrow i would most definitely be listening to and following every word she said.

*the tattoo is the thing i was so excited for a couple days ago but wouldn't say. I guess it doesn't much matter as i put up pictures of it on myspace so anyone can really find out. The only issue is that my parents just might kill me if they find out. Lol. Anyway, here's a couple pics of it (ignore my fatness; i'm working on fixing that):


Brandon has his tattoo license, so he did it for me. Once he gets his new, more expensive ink, he's gonna go over it again. Can't wait! I love the feeling of the needle vibrating against my skin... Hmm maybe i should only allow him to go over it again if i don't fail Ana. Excellent motivation!

I'm BAAAAACK!

"Ugh, Ana, i'm not working out today..."
She sighed. "Lazy ass," she muttered just loud enough for me to hear.
"I'm tired and still sore from yesterday's workout," i said. "Besides, i finally stuck with ABC yesterday, and i'm going to stick with it today too. Don't you think that working out ever other day would be enough?"
She shrugged. "I guess so, for the start, but i expect you to do better in the future."
I nodded. "Of course. Just let me build up some strength."
It was such a relief that she was letting me rest for a day. Every muscle in my body ached and felt so tight from yesterday's intense sweat-session, a workout that i only made it through by some miracle of willpower combined with beat-y music.
Ana wrapped her arms around me. "I'm so glad you're finally TRYING again, sweetie. You really had me worried for a while, with all that binging and barely caring."
"I worried me too," i answered, returning her hug. "That's why i'm back to stay."

Soo Tired

I'm exhausted, but today was just as awesome as i'd anticipated AND i stuck with the ABC. Stay strong, all my lovelies. I'll post properly once i've gotten some sleep.

Randomly Happy Post

Today was horrid... But somehow, i'm in an insanely good mood. I have no idea how it happened, but i'm not gonna complain. Maybe it's because i know tomorrow is going to be absolutely fantabulous! It is: i swear it is. I'm gonna skip the stair-step diet and jump right back into the ABC because this time, i KNOW i can do it. Ana will help me, and i will blog about all the exciting things that happen to me on the ABC diet. YAY! I'm actually really excited to start it, which hasn't happened in a while, so that's definitely a good sign, right?
It rained all day today; i let the rain wash away all my past failures and now i am new, clean, fresh, and a-raring to go. :)
I'm also writing up a grocery list of stuff i want my mom to buy for me when she goes grocery shopping tomorrow (unfortunately i can't do my own grocery shopping). I'm putting all kinds of veggies and fruits on it. She's really good about buying me stuff i ask for when it comes to food, so that should be awesome.
Even better, tomorrow i'm going to hang out with Brandon, who it turns out, i am more compatable with in terms of friendship than in terms of dating, so we'll have a good time there. And i have to be careful what i say on here because certain people have found this and are reading it, but i'll just say that something else very exciting is going to be happening for me tomorrow as well. It's something i've been wanting for a long time, and finally am getting, so yay!
I hope you all are doing great and feeling as happy as i am. Stay strong, think thin, and keep trying. I know we're all gonna reach our goals soon!
I'm going to leave you with some eye-candy, which is much better than actual candy that packs on nasty, nasty pounds. Here's a lovely picture of my lovely man. He's beautiful; i don't care if you agree or not. Lol

Smiles and sunshine to all of you lovely people.

Rant

I'm useless; i'm pathetic; i'm a complete and total failure at every-fucking-thing. I'm sure there has to be a bright side to today, but i don't care; i don't want to see it. just let me wallow in my self-hatred and wish i was slowly killing myself with starvation while i know i'll never be strong enough. I hate food; i hate me; i hate life.
I'm gonna go try to sleep this off and start over again tomorrow... Oh, i'm such a failure.

So.. I've been binging all day... I'm a fat useless cow. Someone please kill me.

Cassie Massacre posted this "Staircase diet" on her food blog recently, and i'm thinking i should try it:

Day 1: 1300 calories
Day 2: 1200 calories
Day 3: 1100 calories
Day 4: 1000 calories
Day 5: 900 calories
Day 6: 800 calories
Day 7: 700 calories
Day 8: 600 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: 400 calories
Day 11: 300 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 100 calories
Day 14: 0 calories
Day 15: 100 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: 300 calories
Day 18: 350 calories
Day 19: 400 calories
Day 20: 450 calories
Day 21: 500 calories
Day 22: 550 calories
Day 23: 600 calories
Day 24: 650 calories
Day 25: 700 calories
Day 26: 750 calories
Day 27: 800 calories
Day 28: 850 calories
Day 29: 900 calories
Day 30: 950 calories
Day 31: 1000 calories
Day 32: 1050 calories
Day 33: 1100 calories
Day 34: 1150 calories
Day 35: 1200 calories
Day 36: 1250 calories

I know the first and last few days are extremely high, but i've been binging and getting probably that much, so maybe this will give me a control boost and get me back on track. I might restart ABC when i get past the 0 calorie day here, or maybe when i reach the 500 calorie day... or maybe after i finish? I don't know. What do you all think? I just know that i'm definitely starting this tomorrow (because today has gone to pot.) Wish me luck.

Also, i just wanted to say thank you to all of my lovely followers--yes, all 236 of you! You all are my inspiration and the reason i can get through the days when i'm depressed. I love you all more than words can even begin to say.

Life Before Ana

I had never been, by any stretch of the imagination, a fat child. I shed my baby fat the instant i shed the title of baby, and upon entering preschool, i was pronounced to be a "thin little girl." All throughout elementary school i was one of the lightest girls in my class despite the fact that i was not an inch shorter than the tallest of them. i can remember sitting in a bi circle with the girls in my forth grade class, discussing our weights. we went around the circle and each of us disclosed our weight. most of us were sixty-something, myself being on the lower end of that group of "average." Adina, seventy-one pounds (and we were all so shocked at this immense number), insisted self-righteously that muscle weighed more than fat, and she ought to know because her mother was a doctor. We believed her, but still wondered how she could weigh so very much and gazed in wonder at poor little Lauraine, who had been in and out of the hospital a hundred times for her rare stomach condition, as she announced that she was only forty-something. The unfortunate little thing medically couldn't even eat except through a feeding tube in her belly button and was much shorter than the rest of us. I can still remember feeling resentment that someone was so much lighter than me.
By the time i reached fifth grade, i was the outcast of my class, hated for no other reason than the fact that my parents weren't as rich as everyone else's. It was frustrating. No matter how hard i tried, i simply didn't fit in. On the rare occasion that the other girls allowed me to play with them at recess, i always had to be the "bad guy," and i believe this began to take its toll on my self-image. "I wish i was pretty," i'd say over and over again to my mother.
She, of course, would insist, "But you are pretty."
"You only think that because you're my mom," i'd say skeptically. "Moms have to think their kids are pretty."
Sometimes she'd further argue her point. "No, really, if i saw you walking down the street, not a clue who you were, i'd still think you were a pretty girl." But other times, she'd accept the fact that there was nothing she could do to convince me and just shake her head in defeat.
Those were dark days. I can remember countless afternoons getting into our white Pontiac and just letting the tears roll down my cheeks as i told my mom how awful the girls had been to me at recess. my poor mother had no idea what to do, so she brought me snacks, treats to help me feel better. I gobbled them up with abandon and washed them down with my tears. The food seemed to heal the wounds, and i'd be alright until the next recess period came around when their cruelty pushed me to drown away my pain with more food.
One day at recess after chasing after Kathleen, shouting in my best "bad guy" voice that i would catch her and cook her in my stew, i realized something awful: i had a belly! I'd stopped to catch my breath, and for some reason, my shadow on the ground caught my eye. There it was, all distorted and strange as shadows usually are, the proof that i was ugly. My belly bulged out of my middle. I looked down at my actual belly to see if the shadow had lied. anyone in the world would have told me that it had. I was still a very thin little girl. But my eyes saw a fat flesh-belly, even worse than the fat shadow-belly. "I'm fat," i whispered in horror, and i resolved to do a lot more exercise from that moment on. When i got home from school that afternoon, i quickly changed out of my school shirt--a lovely, coral Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen knit that i had been so proud of before my awful realization--and into a nice, baggy t-shirt. Then i asked if we could go to my grandma's house. She had a treadmill, and i knew she'd let me use it. (Grandmas let their grandkids do anything they want, right?) I never wore that pink shirt again.
My exercise plan soon went away as i was a lazy child who only managed to remain thin through some miracle of a fast metabolism, and i forgot about worrying about my belly for a while. After all, it was so much more fun to play with the fat jiggling on my thighs, but soon, even that lost its interest and i somehow just forgot that i'd thought i was fat... at least for a while...
I don't think the person who introduced me to Ana meant for me to fall so deeply and irrevocably in love with her. I'm sure that whoever-it-was (i don't actually remember who it was) told me she was bad, harmful, even a mental disorder, but i was far too intrigued by her mysterious smile to simply take their word for it. I needed to get to know her more; find out for myself.
Her thinness made me remember that i'd thought i was fat, and it made me think it again. She held her hand out towards me. "Hi, i'm Ana, and i can make anyone skinny and beautiful."
Her forwardness startled me, but i clasped her bony hand in a friendly handshake anyway, shivering at the icy thrill her skin brought over me. "I'm Jo," i told her. "And i'd love for you to make me skinny and pretty."
And thus began my lasting friendship with Ana.

Last Night

Ana's deep, sleep-filled breathing filled the silence of my room. Her concave stomach slowly moved up and down as air filled her lungs; even with full lungs and air puffing her stomach up, she was perfection. A slight smile graced her gaunt face. I smiled at her and tossed a blanket over her bony shoulders then rolled over and tried to get some sleep myself.
But what was that? Footsteps in the hall? It wasn't my mother; she'd gone to bed hours ago and there was no reason for her to be back in this section of the house. It couldn't be my father; he'd gone to work the nightshift just half an hour ago. I'd heard him leave. Was it my imagination? No! My doorknob moved, and the door slowly creaked open a crack. I froze in terror. Blue fingers slipped through the crack, and the door kept slowly opening more and more. Then a face peered through, and i screamed in horror.
My scream should have awoken my mother at the other end of the house. It should have awoken Ana, who was sleeping on the floor right next to my bed. It should have made my little dog who was sleeping pressed up against me jump up and go into a barking frenzy. But no one heard me; no one woke up; no one even stirred; no one could save me now.
C's cold hand wrapped around my wrist and she led me out into the kitchen... And then it was all over. I was lost; i was stuffed with fatty foods and sent back to bed a failure.

Dinner Out

I stared at the screen of my cell phone in horror. I'm buyin u lunch/dinner for ur birthday. And u gotta get something other than a salad. His words seemed impossible. "Damn, Jon, i thought we were friends..." i muttered as i replied with an Ok to make it seem like no big deal.
"What am i gonna do, Ana?" i asked as my hands shook. (Panic attacks over food are not fun at all.)
"First off, settle the fuck down! Breathe."
I nodded, and did my best to obey. "Ok, but then what?!"
She laughed a little bit. "You're not listening to me, sweetie. Chill. It's not that hard. You just gotta pick a restaurant and do your research on it. Find the most low-cal, non-salad and get that. You can even eat only half of it if you need to. Now settle yourself down and pick a restaurant."
I nodded and typed a restaurant name into the search bar on my computer. "Nutrition," i whispered and clicked the button. "Low fat options. Awesome." I clicked that button. "Woah... How does something with 760 Calories make it into the low fat section? 480... That shouldn't sound like a lot, but it does..." I kept browsing. "Ok, best option that i'd actually be able to get away with at Olive Garden is the Venetian Chicken at 280 Calories at lunch or 380 Calories at dinner."
I typed in another restaurant name and browsed those options. "Ugh. Forget it. I can't find anything. He won't let me get soup."
Ana laughed again. "Jo, CHILL! Just go with the chicken and you'll be fine." She hugged me. "You can do this, girl. You'll be fine."
I sighed. "Ok. You're right. I've got this."

Food Journal:

Yet to come...

Birthday, Status Updates... Blah

"So, how does it feel?" Ana asked me.
"How does what feel?" was my confused answer.
She rolled her eyes. "How does it feel to be the oldest, fattest, laziest, AND most useless that you've ever been?"
The day before had been my 19th birthday, and it'd been yet another binge day. I knew i hadn't worked out in over a week, and i knew that to Ana, i was completely useless. "Not so great," i said softly.
"I didn't think so," she answered bitterly. "We need to get you skinny. What do you say to a new plan?"
I nodded. "Yes, please."
"Good. Three meals a day; no snacks. Every day under 1,001 Calories. Breakfast and lunch should average out to be no more than 500; so should dinner. Your food journal gets posted on your blog every evening at the end of that day's entry. You're going to take up running again, and you're going to do strength training. An hour of some sort of exercise every day. Mondays are results days now. You'll post 2 pictures and all your measurements on your blog. We'll see if the loss goes fast enough with this diet and alter the plan when or if we need to. Yes?"
I nodded again. "Ok."
"Not so hard, right?"
"Not hard. It might even pass by Shaun."
She snorted. "Who cares if it passes him or not? In the end, no matter what, i'm sure he'd rather have a skinny girlfriend."
And i couldn't help but agree.

So... Pictures (Try not to throw up...):




Measurements (Try not to mock me):

Chest: 34 inches Waist at belly button: 29.5 inches Hips: 34.5 inches
Butt: 36.5 inches Thigh: 19.5 inches Calf: 13.5 inches
Bicep: 11.5 inches Forearm: 9.75 inches Wrist: 6 inches

Food journal (Yep, i eat really random stuff at night):

Breakfast- 1 egg & 1 piece toast- 130 Cals
Lunch- 6 oz light yogurt & 1 apple- 160 Cals
Dinner- Peanut butter sandwich, Cheerios w/ skim milk, Dill pickle- 480 Cals
Total: 770 Calories

Exercise: 60 min resistance training and stretches

You Really Got a Hold on Me

An old song by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles; it's so very relevant to Ana:



I don't like you, but i love you.
Seems that i'm always thinkin' of you.



Though you treat me badly,
I love you madly.



You really got a hold on me.



Baby, i don't want you, but i need you,
Don't wanna kiss you, but i need to.



Though you do me wrong now,
My love is strong now.



You really got a hold on me.



Baby, I love you, and all I want you to do is just
Hold me, hold me, hold me.



Tighter, tighter!



I wanna leave you, don't wanna stay here,
Don't wanna spend another day here.



Though i wanna split now,
I can't quit now.



You really got a hold on me.



Baby, i love you, and all i want you to do
Is just hold me, hold me, hold me.



Hold me...